What i want in 2008

Here are my prayers and wishes for the coming new year, 2008

1) Health.
I pray that everyone in my family and my friends to be in good health and be happy. Personally, I am wanting to return to my pre-pregnant figure which was previously between a size s and m. I must make time to exercise, to run and be back to 48kg again. I miss my previous gorgeous and sexy figure. It was good enough for me to secretly wish be a lingerie model. BUT i know my parents will double flip so I never mention it to anyone.

2) MUSIC
Music makes me feel alive. I started to learn the violin in Aug 2007 and this year Rachel will embark on her musical journey. I want to play so much better in terms of tone, bowing and expressions. I also wish to attend a few really GOOD violin concerts at the esplanade. I will also add to my current collection, more violin DVDs especially those of Anne Sophie Mutter and Yehudi Menuhin.

3) Beauty.
Now this is important to me. To believe I am beautiful. The fact is I never consider myself a beauty even when i was 48kg and had nice hair. To me, the very deep seated belief is that I am not beautiful enough!! No one can be perfect but I want to be near my own levels of attainable close to perfection standards. I want to be beautiful whatever it takes, without surgery OUCH, one caesarean is enough, pills or chemical injections. It takes GOD man!!

4) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
With rising inflation and single family income, I really ask God for PROSPERITY. Now that I truly understand the value of money, I really pray God will BLESS our family so we can be in a position to GIVE and BLESS others. We need a new apartment as our lease ends Aug 2008 and I think a car and weekly home cleaning would be bonuses.

5) Travel
The furthest i travelled in 2007 is Seng kang. And since the cab fare hike, travelling within the island of Singapura became more a chore. I wasted my life the most in 2007 waiting for and then travelling on crowded buses and nursing Rachel on the journeys some more!!!!! Come 2008, I pray we will go for a short family get away, Bintan will do and NO I do not like Malaysia.

6) Rachel
This one is the most tricky. I want to stop breast feeding 2008. ENOUGH already!! Rachel is turning 3 in a couple of days and I need my breasts back so to speak. Now she owns them!!!! I also prayed hard that she will understand and be efficiently toilet trained soon. As of now, she is very apt at eating on her own and learning new things but she still prefers to do all her businesses with Huggies and Pampers and boy, in secret!!!!

7)Friends
I need some new friends. I would like to share my life with other muscially inclined parents of young children and those that had started or wish to home school their young children.

Reflection

It's the time of the year again. Christmas came and went with no party this year and the wonderful post christmas sale is on.

I remembered a time not too long ago when i would clear my wardrobe of ex-fashion items to the Salvation army so as to make space for new purchases. I loved to wear "in" items be it the mini skirts, ( i love mini skirts that showed off my rather slim athletic legs) espadrilles and lots of tube tops. I had so much stuff that i had wished for bigger wardrobes during past Christmases. Now my current wardrobe is not yet filled but i love to splurge on Rachel. It does not matter that i have nothing to wear or match with, I want to make sure that she is well provided for physically, emotionally and materially from clothes, shoes toys to educational material.

I remembered when i was in my late teens and early twenties, I enjoyed colouring my hair brown with highlights and i stood out among the crowd. Some even assumed i was a "bad" girl as i was dressed very fashionably with accessories like bangles and earrings even. Now i am back to my asian ebony black hair that had not been coloured or permed or rebonded for 5 years i think.

In the past, christmas meant more than Jesus. It also meant a time to be remembered as the most generous giver. Ha. I mean i made sure i give the best gifts that i can afford to reward worthy business clients and friends. Talking about friends, I was the natural leader of the small pack of girls that hungered and thirst after my directions and companionship.

I was easily the most charismatic, confident gal, and yes, i excelled academically, had a good sexy hour glass figure with slim legs and a super generous heart and some say sexy almond eyes. I was always treating "friends" to expensive lunches, coffees and even buffet dinners. I took pains to "surprise" them with birthday gifts and parties even. No wonder i had a lot of "loyal" friends. Looking back, most of them were fair weather friends and when calamity strikes, like when i was heart broken and subsequenly when i was financially broke, these friendships EVAPORATED into the thin air. Sigh................................


Fast forward 5 years......Now I married and became a full time mother. With no income, its no surprise then that I had only a few friends. Family members takes priority and for the first time i actually see my family members as friends too. Wonderful friends. I married my best male buddy and Rachel too, she's such a joy to be with, i love her companionship.

In the past when i noticed young people, both male and female checking me out, I am comforted to acknowledge that I am a good looker and quite desirable as well. That adds to my super ego confidence!! But now, if i see anyone looking at me, I assumed it was because i am now carrying some excess baggage, looking tired and worn out with Rachel and had no make up or proper clothes or shoes or bags on. As a result i prefer to avoid eye contact and i DO NOT talk to strangers any more. I became a different person, a back ground person so to speak. I no longer want the lime light or any attention.

When i go shopping i prayed i will not run into anyone I used to know. Its kind of sad, the person they used to see had degenerate much, from hottie to auntie. Life moves at a much slower pace now that Rachel is part of the family and the days and nights are much longer with endless tasks and chores. Apart of learning the violin, and working a frenzy to keep the house clean and to re gain my figure and complexion, I do not have any major project except to ensure that Rachel is well brought up, academically and muscially. Of course, needless to say spiritually and relationally which is the foundation of life itself.

National Piano and Violin Competition

It's the time for the biennial national piano and violin competition again.

This time round i managed to catch the junior and intermediate violin performances from the semi finals to finals and the quarter finals for the artist category

Well i can say that i've enjoyed myself a great deal, as i sat alone in the recital hall in Esplanade while Yan accompanied our beloved child at home or in the near by shopping malls. As a beginning violin student myself, I am greatly encouraged by the performances particularly that in the artist category where the china PRs who play alike are of a higher standard than the locals. The better violinists were able to engage the audience right from the very first note.

In these 2 days of competition, I was given a foretaste of what it is like to be a part of this exciting event. During break time where teachers and parents mingle one can easily tap into their conversations and learn much:

One parent was shocked when her child told her he wanted to take part in the competition. She discouraged him as she feared her child may embarrass her. It was the violin teacher who had to persuade the parent for a week before she finally agreed that the competition exposure will do more good than harm. Another parent was sharing loudly how her child was practising with the metronome past mid night into competition day and she had butterflies in her stomach and broke out in cold sweat when her child's turn to perform came.

Yet another very proud mom of 5 boasted of her child's talent and how her family "invested" more than $1000 monthly on both piano and violin lessons monthly for 2 of her kids.

The teachers too had their time comparing notes-teaching notes in particular. One was happily sharing that the contestant a very young girl was her student since 2 years old. Another pointed out 2 excellent players - a boy and a girl whose performances were well above the others who had only NAFA standards?????

Any way, so much for "tuning in" to those who spoke quite loudly near me, I personally had nothing against sending children for competition. I think where music and arts are concerned, exposure is a very inspiring and stimulating part of one's continual learning. As a serious musician, one should always seek to improve one's art and competition is one platform where the performing standard can be easily gauaged. This is especially important if one aspires to develop professionally as a musician.

Well. Rachel is starting violin lessons next month when she turns 3. As a parent and violin student myself, I realise the importance of starting very young especially where violin is concerned. I know she will do well in music since the environment she was born into and surrounded with is always a very musical one. In our house, music cds, dvds are played daily and she understands that her daddy teaches others kids and teenagers how to play the piano better.

Since she was a baby, Rachel's interest in music was evident since she started playing with all sorts of musical toys. Already she sings disney princess songs like Reflection and A Whole New World, her pronounciation may not be there yet but her "sings" in tune and with the correct rhythm much to our delight. If i were to reminisce my pregnancy days, oh yes! , she did move a great deal when i sing whether praise and worship songs or karaoke. She seemed to be "dancing" when i attend SSO concerts and watches performances on the DVD.

Now, I cant wait to catch the finals for the artist - both piano and violin next week. The funny thing is I do not feel weird attending concerts alone. Yan will be baby sitting Rachel since her ad hoc nanny charges $10 per hour and this money can be better off "invested" into music lessons and materials. I am hoping to attend the master class as well as a observer to learn a thing or two. After having watched Itzhak Perlman conduct a masterclass on you tube, I am hooked by the "magic improvement" in the participants playing when corrected by a extraordinary teacher. My busy schedule permits me to attend just one masterclass and i've chosen that of Natalie Boyarsky whose teacher was a student of Leopold Auer, celebrated as a legendary violin teacher. Hopefully, the tickets are still available. Pls LORD...........

Finally, our family's collection of music cds, dvds and rachel's collection of cartoon, vcds and dvds are screaming out for storage space. Besides, I recently started my collection of violin books adding that to yan's vast collection of scores and piano books. I am now dreaming of a whole wall of shelves for books and cds etc in our next place of abode. Again, my God provides........i believe He sure will. Thank you Jesus!!!

Nurtured by Love

Wow..its been a long time since i blogged!!!!

Been really busy lately. On top of playing with my ever active and demanding toddler, I had to finish to near perfection all household chores and practice at least 30 mins daily on my beloved...violin.

Well, musically speaking i am improving and am excited by my ability to learn more new songs. Been reading for a second time now, Nurtured by Love which details the life of Mr Shinichi Suzuki and his Talent Education Method. I am totally inspired by his exemplary life and kindness to young children.

Mr Shinichi Suzuki worked in his father's Suzuki Violin Factory in Japan. And at the age of 17, he taught himself to play the violin as he was touched deeply by a beautiful piece of music which he then tried to imitate the sounds as he had heard them on the record player. That was Schubert's Ave Maria played by Mischa Elman. Eventually his ability to learn helped him progress far in his musical career and he spent time learning the instrument in Europe. Later on he went on to coach young children like Koji Toyoda, Toyoshi Eto when they were about 3-4 years old. I am particularly struck by Mr Suzuki's compassion and passion as a teacher. He actively seek out through national broadcast his former child student Koji Toyoda when the later's parents were killed by the War. He gave Koji Toyoda a good violin education and a home.

Many of his children students became violin performers and teachers of international renown. Koji Toyoda became the first concertmaster of the Berlin Symphony Orchestra after graduating from the Paris Music Conservatory in only 6 months when he was a young man. Today Koji Toyoda not only performs but conducts and trains many renown violinists and is the head of the Suzuki International where the Talent Education Method continues to positively impact the lives of children and adults globally. The Suzuki Violin cds i listen to daily were played by Koji Toyoda who started to learn from Mr Shinichi Suzuki at the tender age of three and a half.

Similarly Ms Akiko Suwanai, whose teacher Toshiya Eto was one of Suzuki's earliest child students at age 4. Ms Akiko went on to win the 1990 International Tchaikovsky Compeition in 1990 at the tender age of 19.

Mr Suzuki even learned to teach a totally blind kid the art of violin playing out of compassion. I know most teachers would prefer to teach only healthy and normal pupils.

Well, to Mr Suzuki, every child can be trained to play the violin and violin playing trains a child to learn appropriate behaviour and fine tune their characters. The fact is that nobody is ever born with talents but as babies, young children and adults, we improve on our natural ability to learn whatever: mother tongue, knowledge, skills, hobbies and music. A clever baby can even learn to sing out of tune if that is what he had been exposed to in his environment which he imitates... his mother's out of tune singing!!! GASP!!!

In addition, according to the Suzuki Method, to lament our lack of talents and to GIVE UP is FOLLY indeed. Step by step, without rushing and without ceasing, one WILL develop excellence through repetition.

I am now learning to play the violin using the Suzuki method materials. In fact the more i learn, the more my ability to learn progresses and I am confident i am en route to playing well confidently.

As Suzuki Method seeks to train young children from age 3, I have decided to send Rachel for lessons once she is 3. Its not just the violin playing, it is also the crucial conditioning of body and mind and the developing of the ability to learn both music and good behaviour.

Already Rachel has been listening to both parents practice on their instruments, daddy -piano, mummy- violin, and the many cds and dvds that we play for the whole family daily.I know the environment, the good musical environment is preparing her heart and soul for a excellent musical education for life.

One day we may even play duet together and perhaps start a music school. Hee

God's preparation and timing

Yan is visiting his mum in Malaysia and our princess is now taking a nap. While I very much want to play and practise the violin, I do not want to risk waking her up prematurely.

As i write this, I am reflecting on the goodness of God. I remembered when I was young and was very exuberant and enthusiastic about the prospect of learning music, many including my ex church pastor Paul would discourage or "rein me in" citing the "lack of monetary prospects of being a musician".

My mum was against me learning music. I asked her 3x when i was in primary school and each time after some general reprimanding I was asked to study hard and graduate with a university degree and quickly help support the family finances.

It also did not help much that I was quite good in my academics. So this dream of wanting to learn music, something i felt very strongly I was made for, was shelved and visited occasionally during school holidays and in between job episodes.

With time, my temperament mellowed much. I was no longer boisterous and bubbly a teenager. I realised especially when sad things happened like the death of my diabetic grandfather, who was wheel chaired bound for a long time after a leg amputation and likewise the death of my grandma who had stomach ulcer turned cancer, I felt more and more melancholic.

Its not depression or just being sad but I feel more and more deeply within my soul so to speak. Its like i could listen to Mozart's Requiem for hours and carry within me the sorrow and sadness for days yet I was going about life normally, shopping and catching movies.

I became a more patient person and i do not rush the decision making process as much. I developed what personality temperament traits studies say "stability".

Anyway, with time, especially after the major disappointment with a potential guy, I became more withdrawn, reserved and melancholic. Its no longer adequate to express myself and my deep feelings with words, which i normally do along with some painting. I need music.

I had been in the worship ministry for almost my entire christian life though more significantly as a vocalist for about 5 years. Yes there were definitely moments where you willed yourself to sing and worship despite personal heartaches and troubles and time and time again God restores the soul and strengthens us to go through the difficult painful moments. I clearly remembered the moment when i lost all voice so to speak, my soul was so tormented I just could not sing or praise God though I can say it, I just cannot sing. If I open my mouth there was no voice and i needed to "sing" through an instrument and be connected to my dear Lord again.

I could not even cry, perhaps the tears had ran dry but right there sitting at my digital piano one eeriely late night, through the headphones, I "sang" my heart out, playing the piano as if I can play it that well, I just focused on the sound i made and the mixed up feelings just gave way to blissful peace. I was ministering to my soul like David did in the Bible and allowing God to restore the broken spirit and heart through music.

From that moment on, it did not matter whether others think I am cut out to be a musician or not, I know I need to express myself musically. Its like breathing and living, I want to make music from deep within my soul.

Compassion and Passion

One of my earliest act of compassion involves the school stray dog. I remembered buying chicken for the dog near the primary school canteen because it looked skinny. Then there was this boy in lower primary that had no $ for food. I do not remember how he looked like or what is his name but i remembered buying him $1.00 noodle for lunch for quite some time. After all, its so uncomfortable eating in the near presence of an obviously hungry kid around my age.

Soon, I started to give $ to an old man in a near by block on the way to school. Well, he begged even little children like me and i thought, i was in a much better position than him. However, once i caught him smoking and buying cigarettes with a lot of money, I decided to donate else where.

The NKF saga hit me really bad as I was one active donor, via GIRO since i started working and also became by default an active fund solicitor for them during my insurance sales days. Well we were given envelopes to raise funds for their many a Walkathons or new Dialysis centres etc and we were also given high targets from our bosses, (at least $200 per envelope ok!!!) so after each sale, I had to beg my new customers to PITY those in less well off position. Most customers will give $2-10 and my church congregation gave more $20-50, plus my own savings, I was one of those that consistently collected more donations. Imagine my heartache when it was discovered that only a small portion of the funds collected went to help those desperate and needy patients, I was quite furious. I had been made use of, so to speak.

After the NKF saga, I am now more careful with giving money and donations. Beyond the regular tithes and offerings, I would like to see that my family, my extended family needs are indeed well taken care of before I reach out to the "unknown" less fortunate both in this country and without.

In the past i had a problem with prosperity. I was taught that being rich is no good, that with more money will surely come more troubles and some how God prefers to bless his people non-financially rather than money wise. But now I fully understand and want God's prosperity for our family so we can help others too. My family had experienced lack before and going through the hard times made us stronger. We understand that money is only a resource and we now trust God for abundant provisions on a daily basis. He is a wonderful generous provider Father God.

So now, when its comes to our family's musical pursuits, I fully trust God will supply all the funds needed for the music lessons and materials and instruments. I no longer worry about Rachel's future education needs, I know our family is under God's grace and he will take care of it all including blessing us with an apartment cum music studio. Frankly, I can't wait to practise violin in the comfort of an air-conditioned sound proofed home studio and yan may practise his piano in yet another air-conditioned sound proofed room. It shall be done. Soon.

Thank you Lord.

Youtube and violin practices

Been watching a lot of you tube videos recently, thanks to Rachel. She just loves to sing along the disney songs so much that I created playlists after playlists for our convenient viewing. Other than Disney, she has Shrek category and her favourite POKEMON.

I enjoy viewing my David Garrett playlist, along with Nigel Kennedy and other classical music ones like Beethoven. I also fell in love with Beethoven's violin concerto in D and had been watching the DVD over and over again and again. I found my classical violin HERO in Itzhak Perlman. His violin sounds so heart-warming and despite his polio affliction, he mesmerises me each time he performs any piece.

Yan even goes to the extent of buying me the Beethoven Violin Concerto in D- score. "One day you will play this", he encourages me as I felt blown away by it all. Afterall, I am only starting out, living my "making music" dream for only 2 months although i know deep within me that this is my instrument.I love to sing as well but it exhausts me so much physically and emotionally. I prefer to work with an instrument.

AND..I must say this: I really enjoy playing the violin. I love to handle the equipment, rosin the bow strings, fix the shoulder rests and YES...even TUNING it. I am getting the hang of it, as i play, I improve the sound along the way having already memorised the pitch of some notes.

I recently prayed that I may be able to practice daily, something that both my young teacher Amy, 30 and myself wanted and guess what, also immediately the next day onwards, after I communicated my desires to Yan, well, the impossible happened. Each evening, Rachel spends some 15-30 minutes with Daddy in the estate premises, while i practice what i learnt, actually its only 3 songs to date with some variations in that classic beginner song Twinke Twinkle little star.

I long for the day when i can practice in our home studio, sound proofed and air conditioned. For the time being, its close all the windows and switch on the fan and ENJOY making music without disturbing the neighbours (unlike that whoever is learning the trumpet in my block). hee

I dare say it...I know I will play well for the glory of my heavenly father, GOD.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity. Indeed I am under your divine GRACE

Politics and a better focus

Been really busy with baby and violin despite an inflammation of at least one tendon in my right shoulder that hurts badly sometimes.

In the midst of all these, I found myself trying to help a dear friend who's family is clearly suffering much from broken relationships and really bad communication.The worse part is it involves the church and the whole episode becomes really ugly with all the unneccessary politics.

Without delving into the issues involved, I can say that I am a easy scape goat as the organisation puts procedures and reputation over and above the more important aspects of the issues - the hurting parents and rebellious children. Its also convenient for them to skip everything refering the entire issue to "private family saga" that had nothing to do with the church despite the implied "condoning" of many a wrongs.

Any way, why be a busy body, my husband retorted!! Why get yourself busy and upset over things like this. Well, he is different from me and do not feel as strongly about helping others like i do. After this "stupid" episode, I find my heart strangely yet predictably hardened.

Yes I wish for the best of the family but i can see I am not "pastor" material. I have too much empathy and will go all the way to help those really close to my heart. But OUCH!

I find that life is already "tough" so to speak, there is not need to worry about other people's problem. So what about the situation in Myanmur, what can i do? Other than praying why should i burden myself with unneccessary "heartache".

Its only wise to enjoy a happy family life, in making good violin music and in getting back into my former shape.

Movie Magic

We first exposed Rachel to cinema when she became 2. Her first movie was Mr Bean Holiday and though she did not laugh at all the funny scenes, she amazed us by staying awake for the entire movie.

Fast forward 3 months and many movies later, she now enjoys catching movies; a past- time that both her parents loved. So far she had watched: The Simpsons Movie, 811, Secret, Ratatouille (TWICE!) and the latest was Evan Almighty.

She even watched the New York Metropolitan Opera high definition screening of The Magic Flute with us.

The best part is that she watches all these movies - FREE since she is way below the 90cm regulation even in her thick- soled Dora the Explorer shoes. At the screenings, she loves to help herself to the pop corns and has since indicated to us that she wants to watch MORE movies - especially cartoons. Already she owns more than 60 vcds and dvds - all original cartoons since we are quite against piracy and enjoys "acting out" some scenes in them.

Her favourite is the rated 5 star "Rat can cook "cartoon which I love too. It also spark off a Ratatouille craze! She now owns a Ratatouille sticker book, a read aloud story book and a water bottle that she had decided to drink chocolate milk with. Each morning she reminds me to BUY Ratatouille T- shirt, (she owns 4 simpson cartoon t shirt now) and Ratatouille helium balloon which are currently not available in the retail scene yet. Indeed both of us are eagerly on a watch out for these much coveted items. Ha

I am looking forward to attending a classical concert as a family once she is 6. In the mean time, she loves to watch the violin and piano concert dvds that daddy buys or borrows from the Esplanade library. I very much would like to bring her to this years SSO's Baby's Prom - a classical concert for children under 6.

If not for the steep pricing of Swan Lake on Ice, I would have brought Rachel to see the graceful professional ice-skating to the beautiful music of Tchaikovsky.

Physiotherapy time!

I've been really busy caring for Rachel, cooking and practicing the violin on top of diligent house-keeping. In fact, it was during my previous violin lesson that i realised i had developed a frozen shoulder!!!

I now remembered that i had strained my right shoulder working out with weight machines some time in april when Rachel was still in child care. At that time, I did not seek treatment immediately as the pain was limited to extreme shoulder movements. I sincerely believed it will go away and refrained from exerting that particular group of muscles. Now I know that was a wrong move!! By not using the muscles involved I had caused to membranes to be inflammed and now the whole shoulder was less mobile or rather mobile with help from the left hand and with some pain.

No it was not a dislocation nor was it likely to be a muscle tear. It was probably tendonities. Anyway, the physiotherapist applied heat and electric current to "thaw" it after helping me with various exercises and stretches to determine the exact part that was injured. She said probably i need some 6 sessions to regain complete mobility and should refrain from carrying rachel now 10.3kg on my right side.

I am believing God that I will be completely healed soon. And able to draw the full length of the violin bow smoothly without feeling "jammed" or "immobile" or "numbed at the fingertips".

Imagine if not for violin lessons,and the pain that indicates that something is wrong, I probably will ignore the injury despite the area feeling so warm for a long time and end up with a more serious case of frozen shoulder.

Ouch! Pain Pain

Sigh! Last Friday one of the most feared happened. Well, just when i thought that Yan was finally free to help mind our darling while i do some shopping, I returned home to see them both in pain and traumatised.

According to the daddy, he had opened the door to let the baby await my return. That was after they had waved at me from the bedroom window while I was walking back home from the bus stop. However, he had left the bedroom window opened and so a strong gush of wind blew a helium balloon out of the front door. Immediately the dad went out to catch the child's beloved balloon and soon, he witnessed the strong wind slammed shut the door on our baby's right hand. The cry from the child was heart wrenching and there was blood on the white door near the hinges.

As soon as I reached home with my groceries and ice cream from the estate supermarket, we dashed to the hospital. As a pianist, daddy was worried about his little girl's fingers; both the ring and pinky on the right hand were badly bruised and swollen. I did not have time to think, all i could do was to comfort the wailing child and trust God that she would be alright. In the cab, i touched her swollen joints ever so tenderly to see if they were working and I thanked God, the fingers were still responsive and seem not at all broken. I called her pediatrician and was glad she was around to attend to Rachel. Thankfully the Xray showed no fracture or hair line fractures and Rachel was given a bandaged to protect her injured hand while she goes about playing. What a traumatising experience and what a miraculous protection from the Lord.

Today, she is no longer in bandage and her hand together with the dexterity of her tiny fingers seemed normal. Except for the few bruises, everything is OK! Thank you Jesus!

Childhood Injuries
About childhood injuries, it seemed every kid had their fair share. I was a toddler and I almost drown now once, twice but thrice. According to my mum, I had fell into the family's eco pond and twice in the huge dragon flower pots used to collect rain water. Once I was blue and was rescued by my grandpa!!! That explains my unknown fear of deep waters and thankfully now that I can swim I am better equipped and less fearful of being in the sea or deep pool.

I remembered too, the traumatic day when my parents pulled a tape worm out of me when I was a pre-schooler. It was so bloody painful. Apparently growing up with some chickens and ducks, I had been running about bare foot in the landed property garden that I spent my toddler days in. Never ever run barefoot on soil!!!

Then, there was this day when I was running and I slipped and landed on the back of my head. All I could see was total blackness and many a Malay voices panicking. Soon I regained consciousness.

There was this other incident when a neighbour's kid, a big girl bully tried to push me down a flight of stairs while playing and thankfully I was agile enough to grab the supporting raillings and landed on my bum instead.

Yan too, fell off a flight of stairs when he turned one. I thought that is SO SERIOUS but then again Rachel rolled off the bed when she was 4 months old and I was similarly traumatised by her inaugural fall.

In addition to many subsequent falls, she also chipped her front teeth when she fell face down while I was bathing her. Most recently she suddenly jumped from the sofa and landed on her face and cut her lip while yan was teaching. I was horrified. I was going to break her fall but I was not quick enough and was freaked out cleaning the blood from her lips and teeth. Thank God no more broken tooth. God's healing is superb. Her lips are now back to normal.

"Unforgivable" Facial Injuries
I was in primary school when this silly stupid idiotic girl ran into me and banged her head into my lips. My upper lip was cut so deeply and there was so much blood in my mouth and on my PE t-shirt. The PE teacher wanted to send me to hospital for stitching and asked me to ask my parents. At that time I remembered my grand pa was sick, really sick, in and out of the hospital after amputating his leg and my mum too went to the hospital for some surgery. Not wanting to add any financial burden, I declined going for the stitches. I washed and went home instead with the tissue pressed on the broken lip to stop the bleeding. I was angry with that girl whom I never talked to ever as she did not care to apologise. Sadly, she never seemed to be a normal kid and was often goofy. Anyway when i reached home I was horrified that the tissued became glued to the blood clot and then I had to remove the remnants of the tissue and that was not without pain and fear.

After this incident I became rather worried that I would look ugly. Thankfully, God healed the lip though upon very close inspection I can see the old scar that "damages" what would be an almost perfect pout. I just cannot stand it when people accidently hit my face. I mean why not other parts of the body but the face is so delicate and any scar can damage one for life.

Then once in a worship rehearsal. There was this fat girl that waved a jesus flag pole right into my right cheek. Boy it was an accident. I was not even standing close to her at all but in her exuberance in worshipping the Lord she had flung the flag so far back and whacked my right cheek with her might. I was seething with pain and anger and so embarrassed and worried that I may be bleeding on the cheek and sporting a tribal scar like SEAL forever. Thank God, there was no blood but a huge bruise that kept me indoors for a week or two. (I don't one anybody to think that I was abused!!!!) Sigh what remained was an obvious depression or dent on what would be an almost perfect right cheek. It is more obvious when I smiled so I hardly smile now a days.

Of course I had forgiven this fat girl but wisdom tells me to avoid "dangerous" people.

After all these facial injuries, it is no wonder that despite what many people including my husband thinks, I do not consider myself a beauty but one always in need of much beautifying.

Multi-tasking

Its not easy being a mum, maid and musician wanna be all rolled into one. 3M. Recently I had become even more organised and efficient as ever. Ever since I was in my pre-teens may be from 7 onwards I became rather conscious of TIME. I started multi-tasking so that I could DO more and play more. I am forever PLANNING my week ahead and day ahead so the less idle time is lost. I remembered I would read on the buses, usually magazines and study when I was most alert 11pm to 1am.

My family sleeps late. Anyway I felt more secure knowing my parents were home safe and sound after closing their food stall for the night. Most days they would be home around 2 am. So while studying I would pray for their safe return, the prosperity of their business and many others. In fact, I enjoyed my time with God, reading the bible and praying alongside solving math problems. Thankfully I did very well in school.

I am also a checklist person. Till this day, before i shut eye and drift into blissful sleep, I would consciously or sometimes sub consciously go through my mental checklist. Homework? check Bible? check Exercise? check Beauty? check etc. As a result,I seldom forget and yet i often finished what I planned to do efficiently with little hiccups. I am one efficient worker and I enjoyed the sense of achieving what I set out to do. Of course there are days of unexpected interruption which God allows to show me that HE is BOSS and I need to depend on him to get through the terrible chaotic messy day.

Now as a mum, i thank God for the experience in work scheduling and planning. It is why I managed to clean the house, prepare the meals, care and coach my child and yet have time for music theory, bible reading and violin practice. Now I am adding to all these my long missed French.

Someday I pray our family will live in Paris. Coincidentally Yan loves french too and had studied the language at A levels. I believe one day our family will visit Europe for a long long long vacation and best that we make it our second home country. ha

Btw, young rachel loves Ratatoullie. She is capable of pronouncing the rat.tat.too.ee so well its really French. I would prefer she study French than Mandarin as a second language. Wait a minute, we should be able to teach her some basic french ourselves. Hee

Finding Rest in Him

These days I am kept so busy with my ever active toddler. Yesterday I was learning to sing the Pokemon theme song for her and we were watching youtube disney cartoons for their theme songs. Her favourite is Tarzan's You'll be in my arms and all the Shrek songs while my favourite is Mulan's Reflection by Christina Aguilera. I want to sing like her!!! "who is the girl I see staring straight back at me, why is my reflection someone I don't know...."

The recent National Day Rally also made me somewhat anxious. Afterall, the CPI is the highest in past 12 years at 2.9% meaning that $ is losing value faster and the price of almost everything is getting higher at the same time. (If i am right it also means that in less than 50 years money more than halves its current value.)

The government is going to legislate rehiring older works, provided physically and mentally they still "can do" and deferring retirement age from 62 to 65 and soon probably 70 and above. In the papers today there were many 100+ super centenarians, OMG there are more than 500 of them in this tiny nation. GOSH!!! Pls God DON"T let me live that long. Imagine they outlived not only their savings but their children and some grandchildren.

Having left a career while pregnant at the age of 30 and having little CPF money, I kinda felt anxious. What can the measures like increasing CPF interest rate do for those that do not contribute CPF in the first place, like my dad, food seller and my hubby, freelance music teacher. Being self employed, we do not have anything to draw down at 62 let alone defer drawing down.

With the current property speculation fever and the super hike in rental, one can only trust God for his super abundant blessings. Yes, despite all these increasing costs of living, more ERP gantries and charges that add to taxi fare, we are learning to find REST in the Almighty God and worry not.

Yes, we believe that God will provide the next place for us complete with a music studio or two. Fully soundproof rooms that we can practise piano and violin and really sing aloud in. When we are not able GOD is more than able and nothing is impossible with him.

In You Lord Jesus, we put our trust. Thank you for your abundant blessings.

Latest Wang baby

My latest niece was born last wednesday. She looked so lovely and tiny (compared to rachel at birth) and is blest with obvious double eyelids. Already with her cute high nose, I think she will be yet another beauty in the Wang family.

Come to think of it, I can still remember vividly speeding down to NUH with my mum once she received my brother's call in the early morning that his wife was in labour. BOY! We were so excited, we WAITED for the birth of my parent's FIRST grand child. After lunch at the hospital canteen, the labour was still in process. After waiting almost a whole day, finally, my super elated beaming brother was carrying my first niece, Cheryl in his arms. What a lovely baby! Now I handled a lot of new borns and toddlers in church but nothing beats carrying your own niece and the first grandchild in the family until one day you carried in your arms the infant that you had been carrying for almost 10 months (40weeks and 2 days). Your own flesh and blood. WOW

Suddenly, another 4 grand children later, the NO 1 Cheryl is going to Primary One next year! How time flies! She was a tantrum throwing toddler at my wedding and now such an obedient girl and a Big sister to Celine and she loves to play with Rachel too. Rachel looks forward to meet with her Big sister and watch VCDs together at Grandma's place almost every week.

Family Movie Affair

Just back from catching "Secret" starring Jay Chou with baby and Yan between his lessons. Well the movie isn't exactly my type being in mandarin so I was reading the English subtitles throughout while Rachel slept on my lap. Another thing was the irritating Taiwanese type of casual conversation that sounded very "duh" and gave me more goosebumps than the ghostly twist in the plot.

Kudos to Jay playing the the piano in the duel scene, as many classical tunes are now recognisable only don't ask me for the titles as yet. Unfortunately the main character was no where near good-looking or handsome and everybody looked 10-15 years too old to be in school uniform. But for a rookie film director, I must say this movie is worth watching again for the many salient details. I will get the video when it is available.

Talking about piano movies, our first was Il Mare. The spa like music actually moves me and I was watching the movie in this same Lido cinema with yan who at that time was becoming more than a close buddy. Il Mare featured an architect character with a beautiful seaside apartment and Yan studied the same subject and was soon to be working in that field upon graduation.

Unlike the many girls both in university and in church who were head over heels for him mainly because he played the piano well, I was only coincidentally an older sister in christ in the same worship ministry. We had a common friend, young Daniel who was 18 at that time and who was very briefly my pop music teacher. Well I had no budget for "real" lessons and he needed more pocket money. Hahaha. The 3 of us, Yan, Dan and me, we even recorded a song or two and submitted to the worship director. Hahaha. It was the good old days, me an older sister to the two young boys age 24 the other 18.

Both yan and I we loved foreign movies and we watched a few piano movies as well. The previous "The heart that skipped a beat" French movie was particularly inspiring as the lead actor struggles with learning classical piano when he is also a gangster. What a huge contrast when he was playing the beautiful Bach Toccata and when he was threatening overstayers in his dad's apartment with huge rats. The actor who had no music background learned to "master" the piano and I think he played so well. I am totally captivated during the movie with my itchy fingers wanting to play the same piece.........One Day!

The other more serious piano show was "The Pianist" by Adrien Brody. I loved Chopin, yes beautiful romantic chopin music like the Fantasie Impromptu and the Nocturnes, I can listen to them over and over again and again. Yes, I will play chopin one day too. However this horrible war movie was quite scary to me. Those scenes where the pianist was sick and starving and Oh boy, I was munching the yummy nachos. For a moment i lost my appetite and my ex friend ate all that remained nonchalantly. She was the type that never say NO to food, any food. Hahaha

Please someone..please make a good movie or write a good book on David Garrett. My official violin idol. A childhood tantrum got him a violin at the age of 4. Soon he was performing for presidents and governments. The German government even gave him a San Lorenzo Stradivarus dated from 1718 currently worth US$4.5 mil when he was only 12. After he graduated from the prestigious Julliard School in New York, having the privilege of being one of Itzhak Perlman's pupil, he is now performing all over the world, both classical favourites like Paganini 24 Caprices and self composed crossover pieces. And WOW, this David is a handsome, tall 1.88 ex Elite model for Armani and is only 25. I will gladly pay to see him perform in the Esplanade soon. Hopefully by then Rachel is at least 6 and can get to see him play again "live" (David is currently fully booked throughout 2008...GOSH)

Delays Delays Delays

I recently found out that our princess would not be eligible to attend pre-nursery until she is at least 3.5years. That means she had to be in the waiting list of this arts kindergarten along Upper East Coast Road for almost 18months until it is her turn. GOSH!!!! I cant imagine how her Pri One will be like as there is no way I will volunteer for any school. Yan prefers she attends international school where there is less academic teaching and less time wasting CCA. Already, we felt the best education is one the gives the child more time to play and learn rather than ca,sa and exams. Most of yan's students are so busy doing nonsense CCA in school that they have no time to rest let alone practice their pianos.

I was actually looking forward to Jan 2008 when I can have 4 hours a day Mon to Fri to work out in the gym, to do some serious shopping, attend make up courses and whip out a mean western meal or two. Sigh. My plans are delayed by another 6 months!!!

Music Theraphy
The good thing is I had already started violin lessons. When I do my lesson, Daddy will play with baby usually art and craft or swimming until I finish practicing soon after the lesson. At least once a week i can breathe an hour or so. Personal time is a rarity these days. In a way I was glad i did shop a lot, bought a lot and watched movies alot and travel a whole lot while i was still single.

Now that rachel is older and much more manageable, we do shop and watch movies but really it is to buy toys, play toys, get baby items, her clothes and watch movies like Shrek 3 and Mr Bean Holiday. Before our baby came along, attending classical concerts were our favourite activity. Now we attend only select concerts and spend almost half the ticket price for professional babysitting. Afterall, until she is 6, she is not allowed into the Esplanade or Victoria Concert Hall. I am so looking forward to the day she turns 6 and our family can attend a classical concert together, for the first time!!!

In the mean time till she attends pre-nursery, Rachel will be shopping, watching dvds (cartoons, piano and violin performances) and enjoying art and craft lessons including water colour painting. Plans to let her learn violin or ballet are put on the hold for the time being until she is older, may be 3-4. After all, she is still in diapers and needs at least one night feed (3-4am) a day. Going forward, she need to be weaned off the breast and had her diapers removed permanently first before any structured lessons.

The Magic Flute
I've watched most of Mozart's famous operas with my hubby and I loved the Le Nozzle De Figaro and the Magic Flute the most. So when GV is going to screen The Magic Flute by The New York Metropolitan Opera end of this month, our family was really excited. We should be able to bring our toddler along for this event since there are no "restrictions" for the Big Screen. Already Rachel can sing the "pa-pa-pa"song that Papageno and papagena sang after watching Amadeus several times with moi. Hee. This is also the song that she sometimes sings when she awaits daddy to be home from work. "pa-pa-pa"

She's cute!! Altogether Lovely!

Happy, Happier and Happily Ever After

My happiness index is soaring.........

This is especially so since I bought a new violin, its German hand-made by Franz Sandner in 2004. I especially like its antique looking hand painted varnish and most importantly the mellow voice that seems to click with my heart.

Buying a violin is something totally new to me. While I did surf the net and seek the advice of my violin teacher, eventually its a matter of personal preference and of course the all limiting BUDGET. A word i did not like since my college days when i studied principles of accounting.

Every day I tried to practice on my new love. My heart actually warms to the sound!!! Come to think about it, I am quite sensory and auditory in nature. My dreams almost a daily affair since I was a kid were like movies, full colour, with sound track and of course my emotions. (my mum ever said her dreams were black and white which I cannot relate to since she watches so much colour TV.) Many a times, I remembered the tunes in my dream and would hum them while I brush my teeth when I wake. Other times, i just feel as I hear the music mostly classical orchestral or solo piano or violin and wake up with my feelings evoked!

Last night I dreamt that yan bought a small boat the type people use in lakes. In my dream, every where was flooded, and the waters the mad rushing waters were rising so high up to almost few metres. (now I am forever dreaming of being safe from floods since I was in my teens). So as I tried to seal the windows, I noticed on the left slip road cars, MPVs, being washed away by the torrential waters, somersaulting as they went. One car was turned turtled with the crank shaft so visible from the apartment window. While I feel sad that the weather was so freaky and people are really inconvenienced, I was feeling pleasantly peaceful that our family is safe and on dry ground and the head of the family had secured a rescue boat just in case. This dream spoke of God's protection and provison and peace in the midst of unexpected chaos. Thank You Jesus!

Now my life is simpler. Apart from cleaning the house, trying to cook a meal or two, teaching rachel through all sorts of play including water colour, its exercise and music and of course the usual must haves : newspapers, coffee, daily communion (communication) with my God.

I look forward to having more time to practice when Rachel attends pre-nursery next Jul. At this moment, she either imitates me on her toy violin or gets angry when I refuse to let her play mine. "exchange" She would say and when I say "next time when you're older Mummy buy you a violin, this one is too BIG for you." She would throw herself to the floor and wail. In the mean time, I appease her with highly supervised moments as she saws the long bow over my beloved violin on the bed for a few minutes. Seeing her chuckle with joy, she knows the huge difference between a toy violin, a spoilt old violin and mummy's new craze.

What's up?

Yan is going to be a singaporean tomorrow. Wow so exciting, our whole family will witness the "swearing" ceremony?? at ICA. I had reservations about marrying a non citizen but God told me not to worry he will be a true Singaporean one day. YES! Cheers to greater family unity and identity. Ha

After the event, I will go for my inaugural violin lesson. Yeah!!! God is good. Been watching a few violin DVDs with yan super late night when baby is asleep. Interest growing!!!

The past week we had a computer hard disk replaced free as still under warranty and I also re configured the home line, under the singtel mio system, which was a feat for a IT goondu like me!!! Feel so proud!!

We managed to reload Rachel's pictures into the computer and BOY!!! She has grown so much so beautiful,so fast for the past 2.5 years.

I am in the process of organising the pictures but alas..Rachel is awake and WANT to play water colour.

Btw, she understands that she is the baby in those pictures! previously she just points to all the pictures and say "baby", now she says "rachel baby!" So cute.

A Musical Launch

I am so happy! Finally I am about to embark on this life long journey of learning and playing music. Imagine what I always want to learn is music, much to chagrin and apathy of my parents who needed me to succeed in life meaning academic excellence.

I hated stuff like accounting, which was really boring no matter how NTU tried to market otherwise. Ya, imagine I went throught the 3 years of boring academic torture, thankfully with good friends and lots of coffee, shopping and karaoke, disco sessions and and graduated with a degree that is somewhere in one of the cabinets at home. Well, at least I understand financial statements, investing and budgeting though I always can't seem to balance any cheque book I own. Hahaha. My gifting is definitely NOT in number crunching and analysis.

Lord I really want to learn music
This has been my heart cry from ancient of days. My heart and mind are always quite keen on music and thank God, I had many musician friends in church, pianists, guitarists, drummers and singers and dancers. Ya, some of the really gifted ones compose but most compositions are so...so whether they boast of love or even exalt God much. I am talking about the musical aspect. Even the current church that we attend in a large shopping mall, well not all new compositions are really good, anointed and pleasing to the ear. Hee

After Rachel was born, and now that she is 2.5 years, the pressure and expectation for me to stop dreaming and start working is stronger. Whoever I spoke with, many would suggest, that I go find work, build a career and earn lots of money for my family. "What about your child's educational needs, retirement funds and your child's future retirement funds, you need to give them a headstart you know???" It may even sound selfish for me to pursue music, to spend money on instruments and lessons when there are other legitimate financial needs like getting a property and a car.

A common vision in marriage
Thankfully God is good. He bless me with a musician husband who had been through the same struggle. I think Yan would be so much more developed musically if he had simply refused his parents desire for him to study Architecture for 6 years when his passion for making and teaching music is so much stronger. Btw, he graduated and was on scholarship almost all his study life. So Clever!! Like I would encourage Rachel when she did right!! Any way nothing is wasted, he know more about ID, building and construction than most of us.

When I shared with him how I NEVER enjoy working life but would do well at work nevertheless, he understood. "We should always follow our heart, God wired each of us differently. We will only find true contentment when we do what we enjoy doing for a living."

Buying Musical Equipment
My first digital piano cost $2500. It came with powerful Yamaha reference speakers. This is a great asset that Yan practices late into the night with the headphones when baby and sometimes me too, had retired for the night. His latest day time TOY was the ipod which he immerses himself with really classical music when he commutes for work. He likes Horowitz, Glen Gould, Listz. and Opera I mean Mozart's opera like Le Nozzle De Figaro, Don Giovanni etc. many that I had also learnt to appreciate.

Yan's upright piano is a re-conditioned Yamaha that is more than 30 years old. The music school that he works with Harvest Music in Katong, well, they did the job so well, it looked as good as almost new and more importantly to a seasoned pianist, the quality of the sound and the touch or feel. I like it too, but I play with the soft pedal one, not wanting to disturb any neighbour with my feeble attempts.

Next year we will start serious lessons when Rachel goes to pre-nursery. Afterall, one can't play anything when she is around demanding that she be the one to tinker away. She has a cute way of imitating Daddy, playing with slow and sudden fast movements, fingers, clenched fists rotating wrists ????and all. I think she will do well musically too. Already she runs to the piano. or picks up her baby toy violin to "accompany" any music on TV, especially cartoons on Kid's central or her collection of more than 60 vcd cartoons.

Our Latest Musical Instrument
We bought a violin yesterday!! I love it. Well with limited budget, I had prayed earnestly that God would bless us with one that sounded good, had much potential that will see me through all the grades and must look good. I don't know why but i do not like red fiery wood or orangey wood. Rosewood? acadia wood??May be I had long associated it with pagan worhip altars.

My new violin teacher who also resides in the same estate, well she had grade 8 piano and graduates from Queensland Conservatory of Music with a bachelor in violin pedagogy. She is also part of a quartet that performs mostly for govermental meetings and dinners. She's only 30 I saw too that she was good with kids may be she may teach Rachel one day. Actually I prefer Rachel to start later, at her age now she need to change violin every year!! Although we can get used violins easily, we may end up house full of violins and cases. We could use them to decorate the walls of the new apartment when God blesses us with it., nevertheless! We are now asking God for a new place with enough rooms to be converted into sound proof studios that Yan can teach, rent piano studio for practice and we can each learn our craft.

Choosing my next life partner
Well, the staff at Gramercy including the boss helped me choose a violin. Its like choosing a life partner!! You need to love it, the design, and the voice. Come to think of it, I never liked men with too high voices, it irritates me and like wise, i prefer a more mellow violin sound. Its German hand made and imagine the wood was air dried 10 years before the violin was made in 2004. Being in the show room also mean that some had played it before, it matters as the voice opens up with years of regular playing. I learnt from the teacher to look out for tight grained, light weight violins. With God's favour and grace, all accessories, authenticity certificate was included at a good discount and way below our initial budget of $2500.

I love it. I can't wait for the lessons next week. When i go for the lessons in the neighbouring block Yan will play sand or water with the baby and hopefully she will grow more attached to Daddy. But more likely he will take her to the new Borders (opening in September) Parkway Parade or just play toys with her at Isetan toys department, while I practice another 30 min after lesson at home before I go meet them for lunch.

Life is good when God is in it, all the time!!

Thank you Lord Jesus!!

Babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE IS ENOUGH
Yan told me today someone we know is into her 4th pregnancy!!!! Frankly, we are HORRIFIED!!!! WHY WOULD PEOPLE LIKE TO GIVE BIRTH SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!! For us one is ENOUGH!!!! In fact when someone asked us on that silly auspicious 07072007 in a church wedding when we will be having No 2, we both exclaimed "No way!!!! One is MORE THAN ENOUGH!!!!"

During our pre-marital counselling the magic number was 4, well i was thinking my mum had 4 kids and yelled and spanked all of us whenever we fought and anyway my dad managed to raise all of us through university with his food stall income. He even supported his previous wife and kids, alimony. ( I was taken along to subordinate courts when i was a kid and witnessed him sighing (not just signing) away pieces of yellow receipts at the counter that was at my eye level). Similarly he sent piles of goods (TV, BIKE) and money to his siblings in China when China was not yet an open economy. Now that China is one of the world's biggest and strongest economy, sadly, the favours were not reciprocated. May be that's why I never like CHINA. I felt robbed of more material possessions when we were kids. Imagine if there was no need to sponsor these China relatives, I would be able to learn music. It's the last place on earth that i would want to visit and like wise I was not keen to purchase cheap china made goods including violins.

Motherhood is so very tough!!!!
So you think pregnancy was tough??? boy!!! What is the few kgs that you carry within you??? After the kid is 2, almost 10-20kg later, the carrying continues!! Thankfully Rachel now walks on her own including up and down stairs and buses BUT she still naps on my shoulder when we are out shopping in the afternoon.BTW, she refused to sleep in the stroller!!! I looked like the hunch back of Notre Dame now, standing straight posture wise HURTS!!! After massages I will be ok but I think until she stop nursing and needing me not daddy to carry her, the backaches will persist. Its the upper back, the spine, or may be its due to BIGGER BREASTS, as I often heard similar complains from those that are really well endowned. I definitely prefer small breasts, like that of a ballerina. That's elegant.

Well, after the baby was born, all the pregnancy complaints seemed NOTHING!!! What is migraine, back ache, Odema (water retention) stretch marks (thank God i hardly have those), nausea???? They were being replaced with caesarean pain, breast engorgement pain, and more sleepless nights. I never thought i will have a caesarean birth let alone an emergency one. Through out the pregnancy Rachel was growing well save for one episode of bleeding as I was standing long hours working in the bank. Her position was right too, head down when I was 39 weeks. My blood pressure everything was normal the only thing was she was past her expected due date 01012005. Each day from Christmas 2004, I waited and waited, counting the endless baby movements and charting them. I still shopped a lot as a good enjoyable form of exercise and walked along the beach praying for the unborn child, at the same time I also worried that the water bag would burst and I might look most undignified in a shopping mall surrounded by curious by standers. Imagine giving birth shopping!!! GASP!!! or in a cab!! GASP!!

Well, it happened to my banking colleague a few months earlier when she was 8.5 months pregnant, on her way to antenatal check up, in a HDB carpark, she felt someone pour warm water from behind between her legs. Her husband thought she passed urine and asked why can't she wait, she was trembling!! However, this boy did not come out until almost 2 days later in the hospital.

Well Christmas came and went, then the great Tsunami 2004 on Boxing day and I pleaded with God "Pls do not let Rachel be born on this sad and horrible day." Then on her due date I saw Evelyn Tan, Mediacorp artiste, ex church member, with her new born on TV. She had married exactly 2 weeks after us.


Giving Birth the Traumatic Way
My gynae was eager to induce the overdued Rachel due to tight travel arrangements, so on midnight 03012005 we went into Raffles Hospital with much excitement and fear. In the delivery suite, we were watching on CNA, the death toll of the Tsunami. We are not supersitious, but every channel, there were headlines, bottomlines that update one on the latest death toll. Apart from that, and praying much, I was very bored waiting for the moment of birth until the nurse prepared my left hand for the drip, OUCH..that's so painful.."Pls don't let me suffer pain Lord...give me the shortest. most pain free birth pls!" I was also worried that there would be too much blood. One friend told me when his wife gave birth the smell of fresh blood lingered in the delivery room.

Up to this point I do not yet experience any contractions. All 4 previous check ups showed that while my baby's head was engaged, my cervix was still shut tight. There was no sign that birth was near even though we were past the due date. After one sleepless night, I had mini contractions, actually it felt more like the baby was moving and there was not enough space for her to twist and turn. All this while Yan slept on the couch. He is one relax guy!!

The next morning, when the gynae saw the charts, he suggested breaking the waters to speed up the contractions. When he took the long almost half metre long needle, I almost fainted. Any way there was no pain when he insert the needle to prick the water bag. In fact within split-seconds very warm fluid flowed out and the baby writhe inside simultaneously. My body was trembling much. At the same time the baby heart monitor was beeping disturbingly loud distress signals.. Before I know what was happening, I heard the gynae yelled "C section NOW!!!" He later explained after the baby was born that there was cord prolapse, or in lay man's terms the cord was around the baby's neck, strangling her causing the baby to be in distress!

I was shoved a piece of paper to sign, i caught.."hospital not liable for...." BOY that was the most stressful moment in my life, I signed something I had to and there was no time to read the conditions. This being my first hospital stay in my life made me extra fearful. I was sped down shivering away from my husband and the lights moving so fast above my head and the loud commotion made me giddy. Within minutes I had an oxygen mask on and was asked to count to 3. I remembered shivering in the cold spacious theatre (this is not the theatre I am familiar with) it was so spacious with green curtains and metal tables every where. I saw my gynae dressed in surgical gear and I past out after 2 counts! The first time I lost consciousness!

After the Operation
I was drifting in and out of consciousness and I felt someone slapped my cheek gently trying to wake me. I tried to open my eyes! I can't. It was almost another 90min later when I opened my eyes, actually I had lens on still to see the birth, I saw Yan and a friend. I noticed my tummy was visibly much smaller and yuck, I had a urine bag with bloody urine and a drip with morphine i think that made me feel rather high and super happy. In fact according to Yan I was smiling. I saw much later that on picture I looked like I had been ran over by a truck. My lower abodmen was NUMB. I did not see my baby until after lunch time.

First Impressions
My first impression of Rachel was she is very beautiful, not crumpy alien like which some new borns are. She even smiled at us. As I was on drugs I did not breast feed her until 3 days later. Her cries were gentle but that quickly changed when she was home!! The hospital menu was A class. We were so well fed. BTW, when yan saw the baby, she was cleaned and wrapped in a white towel, nothing bloody or gooey about our princess!! The maternity ward nurses were friendly and helpful and when rachel was subsequently admitted for bronchities and rota virus, they remembered us and doted on our kid.

Going Home and Hell after that
Bringing your bundle of joy home should be most joyous an event. However, ours was marred by my MIL. We had repeatedly asked her not to visit from Malaysia until the baby was older, well she insisted eager to meet her first grandkid. We met at the hospital entrance and took the cab back.The trip was pleasant. Then to our horror, in front of our white door, in her usual loud voice, she exclaimed to the baby in my arms "You are so UGLY". I was so taken aback, I could almost slap her if not for my relationship with Abba God and the painful c scar. Yan questioned her "Ma, How can you say that!!!" twice sounding hurt as well. Just a moment ago an Ang Mo had cooed the baby and commented on her beauty in the elevator. Later we learnt that she meant good and the opposite but frankly we both hoped she had been wiser with her words.

Confinement Indeed
My gynae was against the "unhygienic" traditional month long confinement where the new mums refrained from bathing, even touching water or shampooing their hair. Personally, the idea was too stinky for us to accept too. When I was in university, an ex church mate I visited during her first week confinement had tiny flies buzzing about her super oily locks and boy, she was such a stinker that her hubby slept on the sofa in the living room. I was prepared to care for my precious new born alone peacefully despite the post surgery pain while yan resume his work otherwise there would be no income. Of course I still washed my long locks daily and bathe twice daily much to the chagrin of the traditional elderly. I was breast-feeding, I must be clean. What was she thinking???

However, sadly, MIL with her uncalled for nagging and nagging and insisting on this and that, robbed me of much peace. She also had a sarcastic way of scorning my breast feeding attempts, I mean each time the baby cried she has some thing negative to say about the kid or me. I would hide in my room all day reading the papers, bible and sleeping while she blast the Mandarin TV programmes in the living room. Needless to say, her stay, meant to be 3 days initally was not at all welcomed. She added much stress. I cannot understand why she would insist I bend down or reach up the cupboards risking tearing my newly stitched scar to fetch her this pot or that ingredient in the fridge which she can't reach due to her parkinson illness, so she may prepare herbal supplement which both yan and I do not like and would pour away evenutally. We already told her countless times that we hate herbal stuff!! "She never listens", my husband would sigh.

The last straw came when I asked her when she would return as Yan need to get her the return rail tickets. She took offense and said I was chasing her outof the house. Later she called a friend or relation at the balcony and dramatised everything. I heard her say her daughter in law threatened to chase her out with a broom. Now there was not a single broom in my new home. And the way she dramatise it it made me looked like very evil indeed. I called Yan and my sister both understood my situation and came to my rescue.

Thank God Jesus knew the facts and my conscience is clear. My eyes were opened too. It became clear to me that I should NEVER stay in the same house as MIL, clearly, it was easy for her to distort the facts. I saw she was someone who compromises on integrity especially when she became a very different person when Yan is around. Add to that the loud, continous nagging and nagging that robs us of PEACE!!! We are both peace loving creatures and Yan had to remind his mum often not to treat him like a child often.

Eventually she left for her home. We had peace again, much beloved, much cherished Peace until she visits every now and then.

Conclusion
I felt I had done my national duty of pro creation.
Having our princess was very costly indeed. More than 10K in the first year!
Its ok that she is the only child she have so many cousins born in the same year and one on the way soon. If she is lonely with no one to play( read fight) with, let her then play with us, on the piano or violin.I rather channel whatever remaining energy and time I have left developing musically. In fact next week I will start my violin lessons inspired by David Garrett lovingly encouraged by my music teacher spouse. Afterall, who would want a repeat of the traumatic birth or so called confinement period.

A Musical Journey

I've always wanted to play music. As far back as I can remember, whenever there was a piano or keyboard at a school mate's place, I would find myself tinkering with the black and white keys and begging my friends to teach me a tune or two. Sadly, most uprights had gone off key with neglect and few showed much enthusiasm for learning the piano.

When we were much younger, my mum would often take us to visit her grand aunt, a christian that lives in joo Chiat. Each visit I find myself playing on the very old upright which was in need of tuning as well, only to be "scolded" by my mum. "Don't touch the piano, you'll spoil it.." Her voice still vivid in my memories. So I kind of grew up thinking I may damage a musical instrument and was very careful with my digital pianos and keyboards, not daring to venture much unless i first read the manual, which I do so I may max out the equipment.

When I asked my mum to let me learn the piano, her answer was always "NO". Her main reason was that our family was not rich enough to spend on such things and if I were to do music, I would not study. Actually, she may be right, because even as a kid, I was not very fond of studying. I would excel in exams and enrol in top schools and then university only to please my parents. They never fail to remind me that as the eldest, I must be a good example, and that if I cannot make it to university, my siblings may choose not to. Discipline in our Teochew family was usually top down and my grandma would often hit me for the mistakes of my siblings especially my sister's. My brother's mischief were often overlooked as boys were clearly unapologetically favourited.

What to study
"I WANT to learn music. I WANT to play the piano" was my heart cry for the longest time. This urge to express my feelings in music would nag me every now and then especially when I never liked what I studied. Growing up there were not much choices. My mother, would recite 6423 to me often as we sat in a small round table to do the primary school homework, often with a cane or 2-3 canes tied up on the table as well. She would cane the table if we speak unneccessarily or wander off to play when it was time to STUDY. Now 6423 was not some magical 4D number but a reminder that after 6 years of primary education, one has to go through 4 years of secondary education , then 2 years of college and then at least 3 years of university. My parents wanted me to be a Doctor or Lawyer or Accountant. To them teaching and the arts had no future.

My grades were good enough for medicine but I did not study biology. I was put off by the biology open house when the teacher dissected a cute froggy in front of me and ordered me to pin the collapsing lungs. God the frog thighs looked like woman's thighs, white and smooth and though i was not that afraid then, I had recurrent nightmares that scared the hell out of me. Needless to say, I never ate frog legs. My mum had pre-university education and she told me she wanted to be a doctor. She loved to dissect animals, insects and once did a bunny that had many bunnies inside. GOSH!!!!!How cruel!! Those days opportunities to study were limited to the well off, there were no bursaries or scholarships. She went on to learn nursing at TCM shop until she met and married my dad.

Lawyer. That's out for me. I am too peace-loving a being to win at arguments. I am not quarrelsome in nature and would 100% give in for PEACE. When I became a christian, my family was against me and sure it felt like hell when your own blood relations treated you like an alien. For 3 years I was not able to attend church services. My mum would screen my phone calls and destroy my mail and threw away my bibles. (As a result I bought 2-3 bibles for every one that was thrown away). My brother was even sent to spy me and make sure I do not step into a church. Thank God, once I go to JC, church was every where, I was zealous attending bible studies in school campus and also did bible study mail correspondence with my first ex-church. I was baptised on 30 mar 1990, when i was in school uniform at a small church in Moulmein Rd. Like wise for PEACE, i moved out to stay alone at a friend's pre-renovated vacant Bishan flat for 10 months. Also likewise I did not had a CHURCH WEDDING for the sake of having peaceful relations.

So the last choice available, Accountancy seemed acceptable. I did commerce in college and with much tuition and after dropping my interested english literature, I managed to excel in A levels to study Accountancy. It was boring and really DRY! I hated the lessons. I wanted to change to Business and I went to see the Dean. The Dean thought it was strange as my results were good, " Try another year in accountancy or you have to start from Business first year" He advised me and my mum. That was the inflexibility then. My parents thought I was foolish to want to change course of study and waste a year. Afterall, they were putting their HOPES in me to quickly graduate in 3 years time and help support the family as my twin brothers and sister were all going to university in 3 years time and finances was really TIGHT. I struggled. I Passed. I went to see the Dean again in year 2 and this time he was really Mean. "Only one year to go girl, come on, don't waste my time and yours" He said sarcastically. So off I go and struggled and passed and graduated. I studied smart. I used my mother's methodology and it worked wonders.

How to study SMART
My parents especially my mum who was considered highly educated started to teach me writing both English and Mandarin and counting before i even attended Kindergarten. In fact I was well taught in my foundation as she enrolled me a year too early so I kind of repeated K1, of course now they have K1 and K2 for me it was K1 repeat K1 as too young for primary 1. She was always getting assessment books ahead for her children to do. I remembered doing primary 3 assessment when I was in primary 2 and by secondary school i had tuition to make sure Grades B become A. When i did well in CA or SA I was often rewarded with $. Up to university, I was given $500 per subject i got an A. In secondary school i had a wind fall of $400 for 8 As at $ 50 each and i got myself a walkman and a pager, I was the most technologically advanced student in gadgets. Hee

Well, before i started Accountancy at NTU, during orientation, I bought tutorials and lecture notes from my orientation group leader for $200. Every year, i would read his tutorials and study notes before i attend lectures and guess what??? almost 90% of the time, the questions were similar if not exact. This also made me feel disgusted with these university lecturers, who were paid so much. One law tutor left his most recent pay slip in a book which he loan to me. $10000 + OH GOD. So overpaid and under worked. What a waste of tax payers money!

Prayer Helps
When i was baptised, my mum confronted my church pastor. She was reported to be really upset and fearful that I would go ahead and be a nun and not study hard anymore. Later that day, a sister in christ, mother of 3 boys came to counsel me. She advised that since my mum's main worry was my studies and getting into university, I should all the more study harder, and glorify God and honour my parents with my results and if this was hard, asked Jesus to help you, Pray. I did. I prayed each time I had to do economics, C maths and priniciples of accounting as it was so boring numerically, I day dreamed often not so much of boys but shopping. Often my mind would go on a virtual window shop up escalators even to "buy" something I really liked!

Like Carrie Underwood's song, Jesus Take the Wheel, Christ propelled my studies to university and helped me graduate in 1995. (Afterall, I was among the embarassing few that need to re-take supplementary papers or face explusion each academic year.I even had to re do 2 papers after my Europe trip) Thank God I graduated. The stress I had gone through still haunts me occasionally in nightmares. After 12 years I still dream that I did not pass the re take papers and need to tell my parents I might be expelled from Accountancy. GOSH! It was so horrifying.

Musical Cross Roads
At the back of my mind I always wish i could study what I like. I love music. I love to sing and I love to dance. I always want to learn to make music. Each time this ancient longing would nag me, HEY, why am I wasting time studying what I don't like. But the dilemna was I was good at doing what I did not like so much that to move into what I like is a BIG step into the unknown. Yes there were times that I wanted to be a musician, a singer, a model but my conservative family would not be able to take it and modelling???I stopped growing at 1.57 cm..SIGH. I even had an elite model T shirt which I wore unashamedly for 15 years until it finally fell apart. Many a times I wished my parents would understand my passion and let me study music instead of going to university and graduate with a piece of paper certifying that I was good in a subject that I had no interest in at all.

My fault was I am very limited in being rebellious and often empathise with the "oppressors" I knew I must please my parents or there would be no peace and even love. I did auditing for almost 2 years and I dragged myself to work once the honey moon season of doing something new was over. I switched at a high cost of breaking a bond to selling insurance. Now being a sales person was quite a natural thing for me except that I was not that motivated by monetary perks than "my own leisure time to do what I want."

When I was an agent, my sales were among the top few even but the satisfaction was only temporary. Yes, there were the big deal highs but also long periods of low too. I worked for free as a church volunteer for half a week 3 years so that my poor pastor can do the leading and visioning, not the bulletin, lesson plans, typing sermons etc. It was my GIFT of time for God. My national duty. In turn God gave me opportunties to learn about church music, to select worship songs, to type the lyrics etc. I particularly loved the free time to learn piano, self taught with the chord book or even some group lessons that I attended to learn a little about making music.

When I share with the privilege few that my dream was to make music. Many would consider it a waste of the accountancy degree. My church pastor even said I was "Too old" for such dreams and must be realistic. Actually hardly anyone supported my dream. So in the mean time I frequent disco, pubs, karaokes and even pop concerts to enjoy the music. I gave up asking my parents as I knew they would flip backwards.

It was only when I was serving in the music ministry of my 2nd church that I received some form of vocal training and I was exposed to band music and choir and had many musician friends. Yan (Guy #5) was a musical buddy that encouraged me to pursue my dreams and subsequently he did give up his Masters in Architecture for the passion of teaching piano music.

What is ahead
Now that I had achieved motherhood and I felt my "national duty" of procreation was done with with Princess Rachel. I really want to do what I want in life. Afterall, I am going to be 35, almost half of my life was over and this NEXT half is going to be a BETTER half because I DARE to DO what GOD had put in my heart to do, to learn music. I will continue my music journey with piano and violin till the day I return to my Creator God. And of course, I would not mind at all if rachel wants to drop her studies to do music. Her parents with 3 unused degrees fully understand that the call of music and the pursuit of it is a Lifetime Journey and that until one answers that call, there would be no inner PEACE and real SATISFACTION in life.

Idol Mania

I love David in the bible. How not to? After all, God's word says that he was handsome, sang well, was very gifted musically that he composed so many songs of praise and worship in the book of Psalms and with so many different musical instruments as well. I very much want to marry a David.

Recently i brought rachel to Paragon to watch a violinist David Garrett. This David is only 26, very handsome, ex model and previously a violin child prodigy. Imagine he started performing for presidents from 6 years (very much like Mozart) studied music at the famous Julliard Music School and was given a US$4.5 million Stradivarius made in 1718. WOW.WOW.WOW.

Any way I watched all his videos in you tube and was pleasantly surprised to see myself carrying rachel in one of them. Hahaha. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLJhQQ0UCkI

My favourites http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJMzysGZi3I and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1zmBQAg87Y
and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZhwtZjZ5eU this is my definition of "David" a handsome musician.

Canto Pop Idols
As far back as I can remember I had always been captivated by "musical male beings" and apart from musical abilities, they also need to look good. My first Canto pop idol was Leslie Cheung. I do not know why but i liked his voice so much that i picked up Cantonese singing along with the lyrics in the cassette. (ya la...during those days its cassettes then big LD thingy then CD then MIDI then ipod now iapple). Later i included Andy Lau which i had the privilege to shake his hands with at a Fan club meeting at the former news centre. Of course, I washed my hands but my classmate did not do so for a week, she boasted. YUCK!!! Needless to say, I avoided her.

A few years later I went Fire Disco to meet Leon Lai. Hahah. I did blew several hundreds possibly thousands into concerts of Faye Wong, Leon Lai, Alan Tam, and Leslie Cheung. Only the Alan Tam concert was free, I won the ticket when i entered a VHS contest (ya la, those days we buy video tapes that you need to rewind to watch again, and they turn mouldy with time too. So it was VHS, then LD, then VCD, then DVD then superDVD???? then Youtube) I also collected the Idol cards and bought huge Idol magazines with great fervency.

I have a problem with Jacky Cheung though, he sang well, better than Leon lai and Aaron Kwok, however, he certainly lacked in the looks department. So he was not my idol though i liked his songs. Aaron was too BOYISH for me.

Ang Mo Pop Idols
Few knew but i was so captivated by Tommy Paige that i wrote to his fan club complaining that I hate A maths!!! Of course I did not get any reply. I still like his "A shoulder to cry on" and I loved Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue then, the hot couple. "Especially for you"

However, i was not as crazy over the Ang mo music like I did for Canto Pop which was fuelled by the Karaoke craze. Really, each week end, some of my friends and I, singing enthusiasts, pop idol wanna be belt it out in Karaokes all over town, Happy Hour till Supper time. That was before the Singapore Idol, Campus Superstar days. Now we can only participate in the latest..what is it called? Age limit up to 70. Living a Dream??

The Other Extreme
Changes came when I entered college and my Mandarin became redundant. That was also the time when the 4 Heavenly Kings started to market Chinese albums, for some reason it ain't cool to listen to Mandarin or Canto pop music any more. May be in church we are always singing in English I started to be a devoted Class 95 listener. Soon we sang mainly English songs in karaoke, my favourites Colours of the Wind, I believe I Can Fly, and celine dion songs. i love the divas, may be by then with some proper vocal training, I discovered to my sheer delight that i am a soprano not alto. Hip Hip Hurray!!!! So I went on listening and getting inspired by Charlotte Church, Sarah Brightman, Renee Fleming etc. I also threw away all the pop idol cassettes and cards and posters after an ex church pastor preached against IDOL worship.

Worship Ministry- A CALLING
Many changes came about when i started serving God in the music ministry. Some how, along with voice improvement, I came to appreciate song writing and song composition more. I have no problem writing songs but i find adding music a challenge. Many times I would have a tune in my head only to lose it as i have not yet memorised it or put in down in paper (which i cant) I need to understand music. I need to read music, i want to be able to compose my own music to praise and worship God.

Somehow I had the gut feel since my teenage years that i would marry someone MUSICAL, and that was when i was still with a brethen congregation that was against music and clapping in worship. I really believed I would be marrying a DAVID, a man after God's own heart. So when God placed in the worship ministry in the subsequent church I knew the time was near.

Eventually I married GUY #5, my "david", one of the church keyboardists / pianists and that confirmed the musical calling in my life too. Some how, for christian couples, God gave us common destinies. For yan, its classical music and teaching, for me, I know it remains in the worship and song writing arena, for which i need to learn music. Like wise, i believe Rachel is going to be blest musically too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmDePI6YpKs

TANTRUMS of the young and old

Sigh. I love peace. Thank God I married my peace-loving buddy. And my best friend is truly another peace loving and classy gal.


Listen to WISDOM
The past few days were horrid. Well, Wisdom says that it is better to minimise liasing with people that are prone to rob your family of peace and joy. Sometimes, what these "not so peace loving beings" want is ATTENTION!!!! ATTENTION!!! ATTENTION!!! and they will do anything, everything to get what they want NOW!!!! just like toddler tantrums. I've tried being a bridge, a minister, a counsellor but a the end of the day, all these gimmicks and antics dry up my patience and tire me emotionally unneccessarily. Already I am pretty patient a person (of course my partner is LAGI patient, remember he is better than me in really almost every aspect!!!) I realised too that GIVING them the attention does not help them to be better individuals at all. Sometimes it is better to teach one how to fish than to serve them the steam garoupa all the time.

Baby Tantrums
Rachel throws an average of 2 tantrums a day. Usually it is due to the fact that she can't take "NO" for an answer or can't do things her OWN way. She gets frustrated when she can't get in position in time to participate in the Barney videos like sitting in an empty box singing and pretending along that it is an aeroplane. She has learnt now by making a few groans that Mummy with back track the video for her to start again, that there is NO NEED for any anger or frustration.

Recently she has learnt to "wait" a day!! She understands that Mummy and Daddy will get her a new video or toy Tomorrow. In fact, she will remind you the first thing she wakes up the next day. Like wise she has also learnt to say "wait...I don't want!" to bathing and meals sometimes.

SuperNanny
We learnt a lot from Jo Frost the Super Nanny. Indeed she had 15 years of precious experience minding other people's kids. Time and time again I find assurance in her advices and tips. For example she prefers that toddlers be toilet trained when they are ready usually after 30months or 2.5 years old to 3. Rachel is definitely not ready for it, we have decided to train her a couple of months down the road though she can now remove her own diaper when instructed to do so. I am also giving her some "bare bottom" moments after her Mickey Mouse bath tub sessions with a swimming Donald Duck that Ah Ma( my mum) gives. Oh!!!!She loves to bathe with Cheryl her 5 year old cousin when we do visit my mum's place. The 2 girls have so much fun soaping each other and giggling non stop that you will join in laughing. Hahaha

The elderly like to pressure you to get your baby out of diapers. "Why so slow de?" "Still not toilet trained yet??? Aiyo...my 2 kids toilet train before 1 year old. Now a days people rather their kids covered with mess whole day wor..." retorted the Super Nagger!!

First Concert Date
Anyway thank God for local Supernanny Nancy. She took good care of rachel on friday night, so yan and I could go for a concert at VCH. Our first since rachel was born!!! What a victory!!! True Freedom!!!! And the best part is i can eat my Kenny Rogers dinner with both hands and not have to feed her at the same time. The food certainly taste so much better when one can ENJOY eating!!!

The concert was amazing!!!! I particularly was enthralled by the Scarbo in Maurice Ravel's Gaspard de la nuit. Such impressive performance!!! One can't help but imagine that the pianist Minoru Nojima does nothing in his life but sit at the piano practice practice practice. Yan played mainly Ondine which i can relate to but the third movement is so demanding that it seemed to be written for the superhuman someone like Minoru.

i love going to concerts! I like the pre concert preparation, the big question. What to wear? what kind of make up to go with what i intend to wear? What bag or shoes is not such a headache as i do not own that many to confuse me, as yet. But sigh...I wish i will soon look into my future watch "closet" and sigh. Tag Heuer Aqua Racer with diamonds or BVLGARI or Omega constellation???. Yes, I am still DREAMING of starting a TIMEPIECE collection, may be i should get a REAL watch every year. Or better still as a wedding anniversary gift. To me they are better than diamond rings.

I also like the post concert debrief sessions. Usually with a drink, alcoholic or coffee but our de brief this time was to rush and fetch our princess back from the nanny's place. On the way back we were surprised by the stunning fire works display. This being the NDP rehearsal night and the last farewell to National Stadium where i re dedicated my life to Jesus at 13.

Life certainly looks good. I sincerely believe the next half will be a better half year in this Year of Abundance. All the more when i made up my mind to stop Worrying and instead trust and receive more of God's Grace! Amen

Finally Guy #3- PART THREE

Waiting kills. Especially for someone like me who like to make decisions quickly and move fast. I was now 29. I was so sick and tired of waiting ( I wanted to give up on this person but I had to wait on as it was clearly God's instruction for me). The burden in my heart was getting too heavy for me to bear. This was robbing me of much joy, I soon found it tough to laugh or even smile. I became rather inward looking and melancholic as well.

I always wanted to marry early. I don't know why but early means between 25-30, May be I grew up in the small family church since I was 13 and had attended one wedding too many. I handled babies and children and I wanted very much to have my own kids one day.

Another Romantic Dream
When I was much younger in my late teens, I dreamt I entered a bright spacious room. There was a beautiful white grand piano and a man all dressed in white tuxedo playing a very romantic piece which i now know its Chopin Fantasisie. The pianist stopped playing and came over to dance with me a waltz. The light behind him was so bright all I could see was he had very thick dark eyebrows and was also of a medium sized physique.

Again, the thick eyebrows. I was convinced I was going to marry someone with those features. I had no doubt that I will marry one day only WHEN???But I always had a premonition that I would marry latest 30.

By now I was 29 and getting very disillusioned with my single life. Suddenly I started to have a new burden, a different sort that I needed to share with Guy #3 how I had been feeling about him. Each day this burden grew and for some reasons he started to come back to church services and even voluntarily moved to sit next to me twice. Boy was I elated! Smiling from ear to ear for the whole service. There was also an occasion in the past where I was unexpectedly asked to sing with him on Year 2000 first worship service. It took 2 lead vocals to be be sick and one to suffer migraine headaches for me to fill that much coveted place beside him in his team. That service to sing alongside the one I love was most memorable. We even had to hold hands per pastor instruction as we sing worship back up. OMG!!!!!!!!!

That Note
All these accounts seemed so spiritual. Hahaha. I was pretty much unprepared for what was to come. One sunday after church service, I felt so heavy laden and sad with the burden of unrequitted feelings that i passed him a note. It was part of that sunday's church bulletin. I found a pen and wrote very briefly in a sentence that I liked him. I passed that crumpled tiny piece of paper to him instructing him to read only when he was home and fled the scene almost immediately. Strangly, I felt much much better, a heavy burden had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe easier. Suddenly he appeared out of no where said "Hi and Bye" in the same breathe and dashed to work. I don't know what to think or feel any more. I had done the Ultimate! I had let him know how I felt towards him. I wished I could share my heart in person with him but I get all nervy and tongue tied when I was with him. I was also constantly worrying if I looked my best. It was so stressful!!

Well nothing happened.

One day passed. A whole week passed. Nothing. No calls. Nothing.

By then the silence was getting deadly. Did he lose the note? Can't be.

Still nothing.

Sigh..I sort of gave up that there was going to be any reply. I mean, look, more than a month had passed. I tried to live life per normal going to work in various temporary assignments. At the back of my mind I felt sort of uneasy. Did I do the right thing??? Why am I so stupid?? I think I just shot myself in the foot etc My many a thoughts nagged at me day and night.

That Email
I was temping in this MNC. It was no joke serving Ang Mohs. As a temp admin person I had to make cappuccino for the bosses, book taxis, make air ticket and restuarant reservations and help claim the various hefty VISA and Mastercard bills. I even had to arrange "accomodation" for visiting "lovers" say on Bali business trip. (And the poor spouses and children were in singapore)

Well there was this unusually quiet day where every Ang Moh was out at an overseas conference and I was so free. Out of boredom I started to surf the net and checked my hotmail account. OMG!! There was a mail from Guy #3 just a day ago. I was filled with mixed feelings, more fear than excitement I would say.

I read that email with tears running down my make up. It was such a pain to read and re read and re read and read between the lines and read again and again and again. He started by saying that he was really busy and did not want to respond inappropriately. (As if email was an appropriate means of communication). He felt flattered by the attention but the answer was NO! He believed he had his own choice and even "advised" that there was no need to avoid each other etc etc etc. I don't know men!!! I thought he sounded so cruelly diplomatic as if someone else had been tasked to write that mail.

I was so distraught at work. thankfully that day there was not much work. I cried my heart out to God in the ladies for a long time. Returning to my desk only to continue tearing and tearing. I felt so lousy!! so devastated!! So unworthy!! All I could do was call and cried to Guy #5, my latest closest buddy, what Guy #3 just said in his email. Guy #5 offered much empathy and sympathy and was really understanding. For a guy he was great at expressing his thoughts and feelings and he listened much and said nice things to encourage me. Still I was very upset.

Was it depression???
Still the tearing could not stop. I cried all the way home on the Express Bus still reading the printed email that I had deleted. I can't remember crying so much in my life. I cried day and night for almost a month. Nobody knew how I felt except Guy #5 who called me occasionally to check on me, offering his listening ears. I had never felt so depressed in my life. I lost my appetite preferring to just drink coffee or juices or fruits. I was sad and angry at the same time. I felt heart pains. It was so real that I went for an ECG and the result was ok. I can't sleep well and as much as I want to move on, the email contents keep surfacing in my head and dreams.

This was the first time I was rejected. ( I had turned down many guys before in person and as tactfully as I can) But this email rejection was TOO MUCH. I wished I hadn't seen it or read it. Its like the mailer thought so lowly of me that he would rather use email to reply me. I felt like SHIT. I felt I was treated like SHIT. How could he?????????????

I lost interest in life so to speak. Day and night I listened to sad music that could express the sad feelings in my heart. Now I know it was Mozart's Requiem. It was like someone died in my heart. A sudden premature death. I often sighed deeply, painfully at home but my parents were busy working to notice any thing. Every one else was busy with school and exams etc. I felt so alone and soon I turned all the confusion to GOD. WHY? WHY? WHY? was a question that God seldom answers. Deep in my heart I still love and revere God but I just cannot understand why? didn't this Guy#3 tally with the dreams and so on??? Why was there green light and even spiritually arranged meetings??? etc. And of course WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM? That one really hurt A LOT.

A changed Person
Guy #3 broke my heart. After Jesus he was the one that changed me the most. I mean, look I was no longer the happy go lucky socialite wannabe. I had so much pain in my heart that I found it difficult to praise God even. Nevertheless "I will sing" just like Don Moen did when his mother died and he did not feel like worshipping God. I did not turn to alcohol like I did when I had to give up Guy #1, I went shopping instead and incurred quite a lot of debt. I also bought a digital piano with reference speakers. I wanted to be able to express my feelings, however painful they were through music. I told myself I may not feel like singing praises to God but I can worship with music. I can play the piano, a little at a time and allow God to heal me body soul and spirit. For the first time I wanted to be a musician, I loved the piano since I was a kid but had no opportunity for piano lessons as my food seller dad had to support 4 kids and (a wife and 2 kids from his previous marriage) when i was in primary school.