Finally Guy #3- PART THREE

Waiting kills. Especially for someone like me who like to make decisions quickly and move fast. I was now 29. I was so sick and tired of waiting ( I wanted to give up on this person but I had to wait on as it was clearly God's instruction for me). The burden in my heart was getting too heavy for me to bear. This was robbing me of much joy, I soon found it tough to laugh or even smile. I became rather inward looking and melancholic as well.

I always wanted to marry early. I don't know why but early means between 25-30, May be I grew up in the small family church since I was 13 and had attended one wedding too many. I handled babies and children and I wanted very much to have my own kids one day.

Another Romantic Dream
When I was much younger in my late teens, I dreamt I entered a bright spacious room. There was a beautiful white grand piano and a man all dressed in white tuxedo playing a very romantic piece which i now know its Chopin Fantasisie. The pianist stopped playing and came over to dance with me a waltz. The light behind him was so bright all I could see was he had very thick dark eyebrows and was also of a medium sized physique.

Again, the thick eyebrows. I was convinced I was going to marry someone with those features. I had no doubt that I will marry one day only WHEN???But I always had a premonition that I would marry latest 30.

By now I was 29 and getting very disillusioned with my single life. Suddenly I started to have a new burden, a different sort that I needed to share with Guy #3 how I had been feeling about him. Each day this burden grew and for some reasons he started to come back to church services and even voluntarily moved to sit next to me twice. Boy was I elated! Smiling from ear to ear for the whole service. There was also an occasion in the past where I was unexpectedly asked to sing with him on Year 2000 first worship service. It took 2 lead vocals to be be sick and one to suffer migraine headaches for me to fill that much coveted place beside him in his team. That service to sing alongside the one I love was most memorable. We even had to hold hands per pastor instruction as we sing worship back up. OMG!!!!!!!!!

That Note
All these accounts seemed so spiritual. Hahaha. I was pretty much unprepared for what was to come. One sunday after church service, I felt so heavy laden and sad with the burden of unrequitted feelings that i passed him a note. It was part of that sunday's church bulletin. I found a pen and wrote very briefly in a sentence that I liked him. I passed that crumpled tiny piece of paper to him instructing him to read only when he was home and fled the scene almost immediately. Strangly, I felt much much better, a heavy burden had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe easier. Suddenly he appeared out of no where said "Hi and Bye" in the same breathe and dashed to work. I don't know what to think or feel any more. I had done the Ultimate! I had let him know how I felt towards him. I wished I could share my heart in person with him but I get all nervy and tongue tied when I was with him. I was also constantly worrying if I looked my best. It was so stressful!!

Well nothing happened.

One day passed. A whole week passed. Nothing. No calls. Nothing.

By then the silence was getting deadly. Did he lose the note? Can't be.

Still nothing.

Sigh..I sort of gave up that there was going to be any reply. I mean, look, more than a month had passed. I tried to live life per normal going to work in various temporary assignments. At the back of my mind I felt sort of uneasy. Did I do the right thing??? Why am I so stupid?? I think I just shot myself in the foot etc My many a thoughts nagged at me day and night.

That Email
I was temping in this MNC. It was no joke serving Ang Mohs. As a temp admin person I had to make cappuccino for the bosses, book taxis, make air ticket and restuarant reservations and help claim the various hefty VISA and Mastercard bills. I even had to arrange "accomodation" for visiting "lovers" say on Bali business trip. (And the poor spouses and children were in singapore)

Well there was this unusually quiet day where every Ang Moh was out at an overseas conference and I was so free. Out of boredom I started to surf the net and checked my hotmail account. OMG!! There was a mail from Guy #3 just a day ago. I was filled with mixed feelings, more fear than excitement I would say.

I read that email with tears running down my make up. It was such a pain to read and re read and re read and read between the lines and read again and again and again. He started by saying that he was really busy and did not want to respond inappropriately. (As if email was an appropriate means of communication). He felt flattered by the attention but the answer was NO! He believed he had his own choice and even "advised" that there was no need to avoid each other etc etc etc. I don't know men!!! I thought he sounded so cruelly diplomatic as if someone else had been tasked to write that mail.

I was so distraught at work. thankfully that day there was not much work. I cried my heart out to God in the ladies for a long time. Returning to my desk only to continue tearing and tearing. I felt so lousy!! so devastated!! So unworthy!! All I could do was call and cried to Guy #5, my latest closest buddy, what Guy #3 just said in his email. Guy #5 offered much empathy and sympathy and was really understanding. For a guy he was great at expressing his thoughts and feelings and he listened much and said nice things to encourage me. Still I was very upset.

Was it depression???
Still the tearing could not stop. I cried all the way home on the Express Bus still reading the printed email that I had deleted. I can't remember crying so much in my life. I cried day and night for almost a month. Nobody knew how I felt except Guy #5 who called me occasionally to check on me, offering his listening ears. I had never felt so depressed in my life. I lost my appetite preferring to just drink coffee or juices or fruits. I was sad and angry at the same time. I felt heart pains. It was so real that I went for an ECG and the result was ok. I can't sleep well and as much as I want to move on, the email contents keep surfacing in my head and dreams.

This was the first time I was rejected. ( I had turned down many guys before in person and as tactfully as I can) But this email rejection was TOO MUCH. I wished I hadn't seen it or read it. Its like the mailer thought so lowly of me that he would rather use email to reply me. I felt like SHIT. I felt I was treated like SHIT. How could he?????????????

I lost interest in life so to speak. Day and night I listened to sad music that could express the sad feelings in my heart. Now I know it was Mozart's Requiem. It was like someone died in my heart. A sudden premature death. I often sighed deeply, painfully at home but my parents were busy working to notice any thing. Every one else was busy with school and exams etc. I felt so alone and soon I turned all the confusion to GOD. WHY? WHY? WHY? was a question that God seldom answers. Deep in my heart I still love and revere God but I just cannot understand why? didn't this Guy#3 tally with the dreams and so on??? Why was there green light and even spiritually arranged meetings??? etc. And of course WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM? That one really hurt A LOT.

A changed Person
Guy #3 broke my heart. After Jesus he was the one that changed me the most. I mean, look I was no longer the happy go lucky socialite wannabe. I had so much pain in my heart that I found it difficult to praise God even. Nevertheless "I will sing" just like Don Moen did when his mother died and he did not feel like worshipping God. I did not turn to alcohol like I did when I had to give up Guy #1, I went shopping instead and incurred quite a lot of debt. I also bought a digital piano with reference speakers. I wanted to be able to express my feelings, however painful they were through music. I told myself I may not feel like singing praises to God but I can worship with music. I can play the piano, a little at a time and allow God to heal me body soul and spirit. For the first time I wanted to be a musician, I loved the piano since I was a kid but had no opportunity for piano lessons as my food seller dad had to support 4 kids and (a wife and 2 kids from his previous marriage) when i was in primary school.