God's preparation and timing

Yan is visiting his mum in Malaysia and our princess is now taking a nap. While I very much want to play and practise the violin, I do not want to risk waking her up prematurely.

As i write this, I am reflecting on the goodness of God. I remembered when I was young and was very exuberant and enthusiastic about the prospect of learning music, many including my ex church pastor Paul would discourage or "rein me in" citing the "lack of monetary prospects of being a musician".

My mum was against me learning music. I asked her 3x when i was in primary school and each time after some general reprimanding I was asked to study hard and graduate with a university degree and quickly help support the family finances.

It also did not help much that I was quite good in my academics. So this dream of wanting to learn music, something i felt very strongly I was made for, was shelved and visited occasionally during school holidays and in between job episodes.

With time, my temperament mellowed much. I was no longer boisterous and bubbly a teenager. I realised especially when sad things happened like the death of my diabetic grandfather, who was wheel chaired bound for a long time after a leg amputation and likewise the death of my grandma who had stomach ulcer turned cancer, I felt more and more melancholic.

Its not depression or just being sad but I feel more and more deeply within my soul so to speak. Its like i could listen to Mozart's Requiem for hours and carry within me the sorrow and sadness for days yet I was going about life normally, shopping and catching movies.

I became a more patient person and i do not rush the decision making process as much. I developed what personality temperament traits studies say "stability".

Anyway, with time, especially after the major disappointment with a potential guy, I became more withdrawn, reserved and melancholic. Its no longer adequate to express myself and my deep feelings with words, which i normally do along with some painting. I need music.

I had been in the worship ministry for almost my entire christian life though more significantly as a vocalist for about 5 years. Yes there were definitely moments where you willed yourself to sing and worship despite personal heartaches and troubles and time and time again God restores the soul and strengthens us to go through the difficult painful moments. I clearly remembered the moment when i lost all voice so to speak, my soul was so tormented I just could not sing or praise God though I can say it, I just cannot sing. If I open my mouth there was no voice and i needed to "sing" through an instrument and be connected to my dear Lord again.

I could not even cry, perhaps the tears had ran dry but right there sitting at my digital piano one eeriely late night, through the headphones, I "sang" my heart out, playing the piano as if I can play it that well, I just focused on the sound i made and the mixed up feelings just gave way to blissful peace. I was ministering to my soul like David did in the Bible and allowing God to restore the broken spirit and heart through music.

From that moment on, it did not matter whether others think I am cut out to be a musician or not, I know I need to express myself musically. Its like breathing and living, I want to make music from deep within my soul.