A Musical Journey

I've always wanted to play music. As far back as I can remember, whenever there was a piano or keyboard at a school mate's place, I would find myself tinkering with the black and white keys and begging my friends to teach me a tune or two. Sadly, most uprights had gone off key with neglect and few showed much enthusiasm for learning the piano.

When we were much younger, my mum would often take us to visit her grand aunt, a christian that lives in joo Chiat. Each visit I find myself playing on the very old upright which was in need of tuning as well, only to be "scolded" by my mum. "Don't touch the piano, you'll spoil it.." Her voice still vivid in my memories. So I kind of grew up thinking I may damage a musical instrument and was very careful with my digital pianos and keyboards, not daring to venture much unless i first read the manual, which I do so I may max out the equipment.

When I asked my mum to let me learn the piano, her answer was always "NO". Her main reason was that our family was not rich enough to spend on such things and if I were to do music, I would not study. Actually, she may be right, because even as a kid, I was not very fond of studying. I would excel in exams and enrol in top schools and then university only to please my parents. They never fail to remind me that as the eldest, I must be a good example, and that if I cannot make it to university, my siblings may choose not to. Discipline in our Teochew family was usually top down and my grandma would often hit me for the mistakes of my siblings especially my sister's. My brother's mischief were often overlooked as boys were clearly unapologetically favourited.

What to study
"I WANT to learn music. I WANT to play the piano" was my heart cry for the longest time. This urge to express my feelings in music would nag me every now and then especially when I never liked what I studied. Growing up there were not much choices. My mother, would recite 6423 to me often as we sat in a small round table to do the primary school homework, often with a cane or 2-3 canes tied up on the table as well. She would cane the table if we speak unneccessarily or wander off to play when it was time to STUDY. Now 6423 was not some magical 4D number but a reminder that after 6 years of primary education, one has to go through 4 years of secondary education , then 2 years of college and then at least 3 years of university. My parents wanted me to be a Doctor or Lawyer or Accountant. To them teaching and the arts had no future.

My grades were good enough for medicine but I did not study biology. I was put off by the biology open house when the teacher dissected a cute froggy in front of me and ordered me to pin the collapsing lungs. God the frog thighs looked like woman's thighs, white and smooth and though i was not that afraid then, I had recurrent nightmares that scared the hell out of me. Needless to say, I never ate frog legs. My mum had pre-university education and she told me she wanted to be a doctor. She loved to dissect animals, insects and once did a bunny that had many bunnies inside. GOSH!!!!!How cruel!! Those days opportunities to study were limited to the well off, there were no bursaries or scholarships. She went on to learn nursing at TCM shop until she met and married my dad.

Lawyer. That's out for me. I am too peace-loving a being to win at arguments. I am not quarrelsome in nature and would 100% give in for PEACE. When I became a christian, my family was against me and sure it felt like hell when your own blood relations treated you like an alien. For 3 years I was not able to attend church services. My mum would screen my phone calls and destroy my mail and threw away my bibles. (As a result I bought 2-3 bibles for every one that was thrown away). My brother was even sent to spy me and make sure I do not step into a church. Thank God, once I go to JC, church was every where, I was zealous attending bible studies in school campus and also did bible study mail correspondence with my first ex-church. I was baptised on 30 mar 1990, when i was in school uniform at a small church in Moulmein Rd. Like wise for PEACE, i moved out to stay alone at a friend's pre-renovated vacant Bishan flat for 10 months. Also likewise I did not had a CHURCH WEDDING for the sake of having peaceful relations.

So the last choice available, Accountancy seemed acceptable. I did commerce in college and with much tuition and after dropping my interested english literature, I managed to excel in A levels to study Accountancy. It was boring and really DRY! I hated the lessons. I wanted to change to Business and I went to see the Dean. The Dean thought it was strange as my results were good, " Try another year in accountancy or you have to start from Business first year" He advised me and my mum. That was the inflexibility then. My parents thought I was foolish to want to change course of study and waste a year. Afterall, they were putting their HOPES in me to quickly graduate in 3 years time and help support the family as my twin brothers and sister were all going to university in 3 years time and finances was really TIGHT. I struggled. I Passed. I went to see the Dean again in year 2 and this time he was really Mean. "Only one year to go girl, come on, don't waste my time and yours" He said sarcastically. So off I go and struggled and passed and graduated. I studied smart. I used my mother's methodology and it worked wonders.

How to study SMART
My parents especially my mum who was considered highly educated started to teach me writing both English and Mandarin and counting before i even attended Kindergarten. In fact I was well taught in my foundation as she enrolled me a year too early so I kind of repeated K1, of course now they have K1 and K2 for me it was K1 repeat K1 as too young for primary 1. She was always getting assessment books ahead for her children to do. I remembered doing primary 3 assessment when I was in primary 2 and by secondary school i had tuition to make sure Grades B become A. When i did well in CA or SA I was often rewarded with $. Up to university, I was given $500 per subject i got an A. In secondary school i had a wind fall of $400 for 8 As at $ 50 each and i got myself a walkman and a pager, I was the most technologically advanced student in gadgets. Hee

Well, before i started Accountancy at NTU, during orientation, I bought tutorials and lecture notes from my orientation group leader for $200. Every year, i would read his tutorials and study notes before i attend lectures and guess what??? almost 90% of the time, the questions were similar if not exact. This also made me feel disgusted with these university lecturers, who were paid so much. One law tutor left his most recent pay slip in a book which he loan to me. $10000 + OH GOD. So overpaid and under worked. What a waste of tax payers money!

Prayer Helps
When i was baptised, my mum confronted my church pastor. She was reported to be really upset and fearful that I would go ahead and be a nun and not study hard anymore. Later that day, a sister in christ, mother of 3 boys came to counsel me. She advised that since my mum's main worry was my studies and getting into university, I should all the more study harder, and glorify God and honour my parents with my results and if this was hard, asked Jesus to help you, Pray. I did. I prayed each time I had to do economics, C maths and priniciples of accounting as it was so boring numerically, I day dreamed often not so much of boys but shopping. Often my mind would go on a virtual window shop up escalators even to "buy" something I really liked!

Like Carrie Underwood's song, Jesus Take the Wheel, Christ propelled my studies to university and helped me graduate in 1995. (Afterall, I was among the embarassing few that need to re-take supplementary papers or face explusion each academic year.I even had to re do 2 papers after my Europe trip) Thank God I graduated. The stress I had gone through still haunts me occasionally in nightmares. After 12 years I still dream that I did not pass the re take papers and need to tell my parents I might be expelled from Accountancy. GOSH! It was so horrifying.

Musical Cross Roads
At the back of my mind I always wish i could study what I like. I love music. I love to sing and I love to dance. I always want to learn to make music. Each time this ancient longing would nag me, HEY, why am I wasting time studying what I don't like. But the dilemna was I was good at doing what I did not like so much that to move into what I like is a BIG step into the unknown. Yes there were times that I wanted to be a musician, a singer, a model but my conservative family would not be able to take it and modelling???I stopped growing at 1.57 cm..SIGH. I even had an elite model T shirt which I wore unashamedly for 15 years until it finally fell apart. Many a times I wished my parents would understand my passion and let me study music instead of going to university and graduate with a piece of paper certifying that I was good in a subject that I had no interest in at all.

My fault was I am very limited in being rebellious and often empathise with the "oppressors" I knew I must please my parents or there would be no peace and even love. I did auditing for almost 2 years and I dragged myself to work once the honey moon season of doing something new was over. I switched at a high cost of breaking a bond to selling insurance. Now being a sales person was quite a natural thing for me except that I was not that motivated by monetary perks than "my own leisure time to do what I want."

When I was an agent, my sales were among the top few even but the satisfaction was only temporary. Yes, there were the big deal highs but also long periods of low too. I worked for free as a church volunteer for half a week 3 years so that my poor pastor can do the leading and visioning, not the bulletin, lesson plans, typing sermons etc. It was my GIFT of time for God. My national duty. In turn God gave me opportunties to learn about church music, to select worship songs, to type the lyrics etc. I particularly loved the free time to learn piano, self taught with the chord book or even some group lessons that I attended to learn a little about making music.

When I share with the privilege few that my dream was to make music. Many would consider it a waste of the accountancy degree. My church pastor even said I was "Too old" for such dreams and must be realistic. Actually hardly anyone supported my dream. So in the mean time I frequent disco, pubs, karaokes and even pop concerts to enjoy the music. I gave up asking my parents as I knew they would flip backwards.

It was only when I was serving in the music ministry of my 2nd church that I received some form of vocal training and I was exposed to band music and choir and had many musician friends. Yan (Guy #5) was a musical buddy that encouraged me to pursue my dreams and subsequently he did give up his Masters in Architecture for the passion of teaching piano music.

What is ahead
Now that I had achieved motherhood and I felt my "national duty" of procreation was done with with Princess Rachel. I really want to do what I want in life. Afterall, I am going to be 35, almost half of my life was over and this NEXT half is going to be a BETTER half because I DARE to DO what GOD had put in my heart to do, to learn music. I will continue my music journey with piano and violin till the day I return to my Creator God. And of course, I would not mind at all if rachel wants to drop her studies to do music. Her parents with 3 unused degrees fully understand that the call of music and the pursuit of it is a Lifetime Journey and that until one answers that call, there would be no inner PEACE and real SATISFACTION in life.