2008 is ending!!!! What a dramatic year that costs me my mum, money and matrimonal home. it was an "annus horribilis". Mum died in early March after the condition deteriorated much and fast after Christmas 2007. Before we knew it she could hardly eat and her frame was that of a small teenage person. It does not take too long and soon its goodbye, funeral and ashes.
In September we moved to Neptune Court next to Mandarin Gardens. Its sad that we are leaving our matrimonal home, the love nest that we took much pain to design and furnish but we really did not have a choice since the new landlady wanted to almost double the rent. Living in the next door estate saves us $500 a month and we ended up with double floor space. My regrets are the lack of crucial facilities and amenities like swimming pool, sauna and steam, gym and much needed covered walkway in this retirement ville.
Its funny but after I pumped in much $, from my mum's estate into the stock market with a medium to long term view for the sake of Rachel's future, the credit crisis spreads. I lost a few thousand. At the same time, many students decided not to continue their lessons and we had our family income almost halved despite over tithing 12% this year. The financial stress caused us to lapsed all insurance plans once again and be behind in payments including rent. This sort of led Yan to want to return to the professional working world for some form of financial stability.
Yan will start January 2009 with a new career doing something that he was trained in -architecture. Whereas I will continue into the same year with more chores including that of my dad's house and the ever heavy and lonely yet honourable responsibility of home schooling our only child. So far Rachel is liken to a Spongebob that very eagerly learns whatever is being taught and she excels in art and music. In fact, i am now her full time music teacher as well due to budget concerns.
Will i be able to do well musically in 2009? Its my goal to play so much better and I really need to find time to practice and experiment on my beloved instrument. Will 2009 be another hectic year when I try to take care of my dad by travelling to Sengkang often and spending time with him while juggling the ever increasing chores, with ironing yan's many work shirts and pants thrown in. Am i going to live life with my child alone most of the time either at home, in dad's place or in the malls until we have funds for her classes likely, swimming, art, Chinese, French, ballet (optional). It seemed we are living in very different worlds.
Nothing matters more now than Rachel's happiness and future...........
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
5 years of grace
We just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. Its not a major celebration though, more like an opportunity to eat out at rachel's favourite Sakae Sushi at Parkway Parade which we hadn't been visiting for a long, long time.
Well I married my long time male buddy, 3 years younger than me at 30. The year 2003 was full of excitement, with a new home in mandarin gardens bought a few months before our marriage was solemnised on 15 Nov 2003. Both of us were working then. He was doing project management in Far East pte ltd and I was with the largest bank DBS doing what i do best at work : selling financial products - Nope I did not sell any Lehman Brothers products, I left the bank prematurely due to extreme work stress and pregnancy bleeding in Sep 2004, unfortunately without the maternity benefits that we needed much for the new born.
By then Yan had completed his two year bond at Far East for his architecture masters scholarship and with music being his main passion, he decided to be a full time piano tutor. The sudden fall in income and the gradual increase in baby expenses did make life tougher. We had debts, mortgage loan of which the interest was increasing at short notice all the time. Life was made harder when my mother was diagnosed with end stage colon cancer and had intensive chemotheraphy for almost 3 years after surgery to remove the affected colon, part of the bladder, the entire reproductive organs as a precautionary measure.
With my mum not well and his mum suffering Parkinson's. I had the honour and the torture of caring for my newborn since day one after being discharged from the hospital. When rachel was about 18 months we did send her to childcare for almost 10months only to withdraw since she was so sickly and had to be hospitalised not once, but thrice adding to all the financial burden. Perhaps 2005 was the most terrible year when the sole breadwinner Yan was not able to work for a month due to suspected dengue fever. Things got better after we sold the matrimonial home to repay the outstanding loans, debts and our family's share of 25% of my mum's hefty chemo bill, which is like $8000 every other month. or $24000 min per cycle of treatment.
This year 2008 was not a good one either. My mum passed on in March and soon the credit crisis saw our income and various investments suddenly halved. Being loyal tithers, we are certain that God will not let us down and will provide all that we need. We tried to lower even further our family lifestyles and be positive while juggling the bills.
Indeed, married life is full of challenges. One moment you are renovating your matrimonial home and the next you are renting some one else's apartment. One moment I was shopping for baby things like prams, cots, Bumbo chair, high chair, nursing equipment and accessories and the next I am shopping with Rachel, usually books, art and craft material and toys with money from ebaying and flea marketing those baby items.
So much had changed in just 5 years, In the place of a svelt and sexy figure , clear complexion is hormonal weight gain, thank God not a lot and pimples....OUCH. I never had pimples in my teens guess God is fair!!! I used to love dresses, ya..skimpy material or tight fitting ones that showcase the lingerie perfect hour glass but now, I am in mostly sporty attire-ready to run errands and after my sprinting toddler.
I miss those days when I could shop all day from orchard to suntec city and lug lots of prized hunting home. Or spend half a day or so rejuvenating at the spas or getting my hair done. Now I have learnt to be content to loiter around toy departments and hang around book shops, the children's section, that is!!! for a much needed moment of peace within.
Instead of $12 western brunches, I now cook meals that I never imagined I could. I miss holidays but I have learnt to enjoy the Singapore that is and will always be my home.
5 is a number of Grace and I thank God for the past 5 years of grace. I strongly believe the next 5 years will be even better because my Lord is a God of Grace. And as a good and loving heavenly Father, he has already provided what we need and want...........way in advance. Thank you Father God
Well I married my long time male buddy, 3 years younger than me at 30. The year 2003 was full of excitement, with a new home in mandarin gardens bought a few months before our marriage was solemnised on 15 Nov 2003. Both of us were working then. He was doing project management in Far East pte ltd and I was with the largest bank DBS doing what i do best at work : selling financial products - Nope I did not sell any Lehman Brothers products, I left the bank prematurely due to extreme work stress and pregnancy bleeding in Sep 2004, unfortunately without the maternity benefits that we needed much for the new born.
By then Yan had completed his two year bond at Far East for his architecture masters scholarship and with music being his main passion, he decided to be a full time piano tutor. The sudden fall in income and the gradual increase in baby expenses did make life tougher. We had debts, mortgage loan of which the interest was increasing at short notice all the time. Life was made harder when my mother was diagnosed with end stage colon cancer and had intensive chemotheraphy for almost 3 years after surgery to remove the affected colon, part of the bladder, the entire reproductive organs as a precautionary measure.
With my mum not well and his mum suffering Parkinson's. I had the honour and the torture of caring for my newborn since day one after being discharged from the hospital. When rachel was about 18 months we did send her to childcare for almost 10months only to withdraw since she was so sickly and had to be hospitalised not once, but thrice adding to all the financial burden. Perhaps 2005 was the most terrible year when the sole breadwinner Yan was not able to work for a month due to suspected dengue fever. Things got better after we sold the matrimonial home to repay the outstanding loans, debts and our family's share of 25% of my mum's hefty chemo bill, which is like $8000 every other month. or $24000 min per cycle of treatment.
This year 2008 was not a good one either. My mum passed on in March and soon the credit crisis saw our income and various investments suddenly halved. Being loyal tithers, we are certain that God will not let us down and will provide all that we need. We tried to lower even further our family lifestyles and be positive while juggling the bills.
Indeed, married life is full of challenges. One moment you are renovating your matrimonial home and the next you are renting some one else's apartment. One moment I was shopping for baby things like prams, cots, Bumbo chair, high chair, nursing equipment and accessories and the next I am shopping with Rachel, usually books, art and craft material and toys with money from ebaying and flea marketing those baby items.
So much had changed in just 5 years, In the place of a svelt and sexy figure , clear complexion is hormonal weight gain, thank God not a lot and pimples....OUCH. I never had pimples in my teens guess God is fair!!! I used to love dresses, ya..skimpy material or tight fitting ones that showcase the lingerie perfect hour glass but now, I am in mostly sporty attire-ready to run errands and after my sprinting toddler.
I miss those days when I could shop all day from orchard to suntec city and lug lots of prized hunting home. Or spend half a day or so rejuvenating at the spas or getting my hair done. Now I have learnt to be content to loiter around toy departments and hang around book shops, the children's section, that is!!! for a much needed moment of peace within.
Instead of $12 western brunches, I now cook meals that I never imagined I could. I miss holidays but I have learnt to enjoy the Singapore that is and will always be my home.
5 is a number of Grace and I thank God for the past 5 years of grace. I strongly believe the next 5 years will be even better because my Lord is a God of Grace. And as a good and loving heavenly Father, he has already provided what we need and want...........way in advance. Thank you Father God
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
When we are wealthy..........
Sometimes I can't help wondering if God brought us to our knees where finances are concerned so that he may bless us and help us become wealthy and prosperous and be a better steward of his financial resources.
Its not that we are that poor but perhaps my accounting background, thanks to NTU, had made me very conscious of our financial networth. Its in the BOLD RED for a long time, similar to the US debt, its is growing with the monthly deficits and its depressing.
Yet amid all these financial gloom, there is always this HOPE that things will change for good. The lord of our finances will turn the situation around. He can make us the head and not the tail, the lender and giver and not the borrower.
We have many pressing needs and wants but when we became wealthy, here is a list of things that I expect will take place:
1) We have our own property!!! No more renting apartments and worrying about rental payments. I ask God for a place that Yan who possess a Masters in Architecture, can rebuild from scratch, complete with a lap pool, waterfall, roof garden and fruit and vegetable patch. I would still love to live in the east and near the beach.
2) a family car with a chauffeur. I am ashamed to have only driven once with my mum in the passenger seat after getting my licence in 1992? way before the "MERGE" traffic signs were up.
3) I want to buy a really good violin. How good? at least $25,000 though I would certainly love to invest in vintage violins like the JB Guadagnini, Guarneri del Gesu and Antonio Stradivari. I want to bid for them at auctions like sothebys but of course, will gladly receive them as gifts or loans
4) I am passionate about music education. I want to set up a music school and sell instruments too. Not the yamaha or cristofori type but one that "invests" in the students, one on one and help them succeed in the classical music world. I want to be a music and instrument sponsor.
5)A giver to the arts and music locally. I feel more for the arts than the kidney patients etc. I no longer Giro donate to such charities as I think the government should provide more grant and these charities and church organisations should not accumulate reserves but should help defray costs of dialysis etc
6) Travel again, especially to Europe, my favourite continent and buy violins attend operas and concerts, visit the museums and shop of course!!
7) We had been tithing more and more, 1% more each year and will tithe from the businesses. I now believe in tithes more than the stock market as a way of growing wealth. Afterall, this is God's Way we had better follow it!
8)I want to play well, perform and also impart the violin skills acquired. I can't wait to attend recitals especially that of Yan's and by faith, Rachel's and in the very future our students'. Hee
9) I want to buy a Steinway Concert Grand - for the love of my life. Yan
10) I am determined to be cash rich for business opportunites and also for giving and sponsorship of muscial education. I believe God will bless our family and make our family a blessing to others especially musically.
Its not that we are that poor but perhaps my accounting background, thanks to NTU, had made me very conscious of our financial networth. Its in the BOLD RED for a long time, similar to the US debt, its is growing with the monthly deficits and its depressing.
Yet amid all these financial gloom, there is always this HOPE that things will change for good. The lord of our finances will turn the situation around. He can make us the head and not the tail, the lender and giver and not the borrower.
We have many pressing needs and wants but when we became wealthy, here is a list of things that I expect will take place:
1) We have our own property!!! No more renting apartments and worrying about rental payments. I ask God for a place that Yan who possess a Masters in Architecture, can rebuild from scratch, complete with a lap pool, waterfall, roof garden and fruit and vegetable patch. I would still love to live in the east and near the beach.
2) a family car with a chauffeur. I am ashamed to have only driven once with my mum in the passenger seat after getting my licence in 1992? way before the "MERGE" traffic signs were up.
3) I want to buy a really good violin. How good? at least $25,000 though I would certainly love to invest in vintage violins like the JB Guadagnini, Guarneri del Gesu and Antonio Stradivari. I want to bid for them at auctions like sothebys but of course, will gladly receive them as gifts or loans
4) I am passionate about music education. I want to set up a music school and sell instruments too. Not the yamaha or cristofori type but one that "invests" in the students, one on one and help them succeed in the classical music world. I want to be a music and instrument sponsor.
5)A giver to the arts and music locally. I feel more for the arts than the kidney patients etc. I no longer Giro donate to such charities as I think the government should provide more grant and these charities and church organisations should not accumulate reserves but should help defray costs of dialysis etc
6) Travel again, especially to Europe, my favourite continent and buy violins attend operas and concerts, visit the museums and shop of course!!
7) We had been tithing more and more, 1% more each year and will tithe from the businesses. I now believe in tithes more than the stock market as a way of growing wealth. Afterall, this is God's Way we had better follow it!
8)I want to play well, perform and also impart the violin skills acquired. I can't wait to attend recitals especially that of Yan's and by faith, Rachel's and in the very future our students'. Hee
9) I want to buy a Steinway Concert Grand - for the love of my life. Yan
10) I am determined to be cash rich for business opportunites and also for giving and sponsorship of muscial education. I believe God will bless our family and make our family a blessing to others especially musically.
Dreading Christmas 2008
I feel very down already. I know this christmas will be yet another miserable one. Hopefully I do not have to buy gifts at ebay and then sell my presents to get the cash back!!!!!!
Christmas has always been a time of celebration for me! I love to give good gifts more than receiving things that i do not need or wonder why did someone think I would like this or that. Christmas is about parties and turkeys and balloons and joy and laughter. Even before I officially attended churches at age 13, I was already giving to the WWF NOT the World Wrestling Federation but the World Wildlife Fund. Later with my first church mission movement, I sponsored a Thai orphan for about $60 a month for a few years, based just on his photo so that this kid of about 8-9 will get a decent education. I've never met him or gotten any receipt from the church. Its all about TRUST and actually my dad was the one financing him through my JC pocket money of about $300 a month excluding fashion, bags, shoes, make-up, skin care, tuition and books.
Now that I am a mother who had recently lost her mother, I find myself in huge need of shoes, bags, clothes, skin care, makeup and tuition for rachel especially mandarin that I hated! Please do not jump to conclusion that I am vain and materialistic and high maintenance! I am NOT. When I say I have nothing to wear I mean I really have nothing to wear save for some old t-shirts and jean skirts. Since I left the working world prematurely while 5.5 months pregnant and worried about my cancer stricken mum, I had sold most of my working wardrobe, shoes, watches and yes including my wedding jewellery and rings, (I don't fancy the uncomfortable feeling of wearing even a wedding ring any way).
So, I sold/pawn everything so that we can pay for the c section and the subsequent child immunisations. Its no joke having rachel, we need everything as there were no hand me downs. We need $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and we lost much $$$$$$$$$$$ my maternity benefit and at least 4 months of salary when I was forced to leave DBS early. I sincerely pray that the layoff list include that idiotic head of sales, east (provided its the same bad guy) who engineered much of our misery!!!! He singlehandedly pushed me to the edge for a simple calculation error and pressured me to quit, chiding me for being a "burden to the bank who need to pay your maternity benefit" He ordered the bank staff to deduct my pay to compensate the greedy old woman customer who tried to pull a fast one and demanded the bank honour the mistake I made an extra of $772 for her. Thankfully after I protested loud and clear to other colleagues, not a single $ was deducted from my last paycheck in Sep 2004
Any way, i used to love christmas, to shop for gifts for loved ones and also be heavily involved in church outreach events like caroling or worship band but now...............THINGS HAD CHANGED. Each Christmas, I am honoured to hold a family gathering. Its a Christmas cum New Year cum Rachel's birthday party. However, the budget for this event was slashed each year that this 2008, I feel all miserable and depressed already and pray much that God be merciful and bless us with what we need for the party and rachel's birthday gift.
Such is the quality of my life that had deteriorated much since I became a mother. What a contrast to my late teens and early 20s when I had everything. I was the envy of friends and church mates, being way ahead in fashion and gadgets and travelling much. Now I dread to go church every sunday as I have nothing to wear. Its the same t shirt (already have holes appearing) and tattered jeans skirt bought in 2006 after we sold the Mandarin Gardens Studio. I have not travelled for more than 10 years except by bus and mrt in Singapore. Yet as a doting mum, I will gladly let rachel have a bigger share of whatever food we are having and will not think twice to spend the last dollar on her!
Could we belong to those "living in poverty????" Frankly not! As long as one can afford to rent a private apartment, in this country, you will get less handouts and zero rebates and subsidies. Its a tiring struggle to believe God that we will emerge victorious soon, out of debt (mostly family mum's chemo bills related) have more than enough savings and investments and be prosperous. Yet this is the gist of the messages that our church wants us to believe God for. That life can be good. That our family can be and IS ALREADY???? Wealthy and Healthy by the Grace of God.
Guess this christmas I need Christ more than anything now!!!!!!!
Christmas has always been a time of celebration for me! I love to give good gifts more than receiving things that i do not need or wonder why did someone think I would like this or that. Christmas is about parties and turkeys and balloons and joy and laughter. Even before I officially attended churches at age 13, I was already giving to the WWF NOT the World Wrestling Federation but the World Wildlife Fund. Later with my first church mission movement, I sponsored a Thai orphan for about $60 a month for a few years, based just on his photo so that this kid of about 8-9 will get a decent education. I've never met him or gotten any receipt from the church. Its all about TRUST and actually my dad was the one financing him through my JC pocket money of about $300 a month excluding fashion, bags, shoes, make-up, skin care, tuition and books.
Now that I am a mother who had recently lost her mother, I find myself in huge need of shoes, bags, clothes, skin care, makeup and tuition for rachel especially mandarin that I hated! Please do not jump to conclusion that I am vain and materialistic and high maintenance! I am NOT. When I say I have nothing to wear I mean I really have nothing to wear save for some old t-shirts and jean skirts. Since I left the working world prematurely while 5.5 months pregnant and worried about my cancer stricken mum, I had sold most of my working wardrobe, shoes, watches and yes including my wedding jewellery and rings, (I don't fancy the uncomfortable feeling of wearing even a wedding ring any way).
So, I sold/pawn everything so that we can pay for the c section and the subsequent child immunisations. Its no joke having rachel, we need everything as there were no hand me downs. We need $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and we lost much $$$$$$$$$$$ my maternity benefit and at least 4 months of salary when I was forced to leave DBS early. I sincerely pray that the layoff list include that idiotic head of sales, east (provided its the same bad guy) who engineered much of our misery!!!! He singlehandedly pushed me to the edge for a simple calculation error and pressured me to quit, chiding me for being a "burden to the bank who need to pay your maternity benefit" He ordered the bank staff to deduct my pay to compensate the greedy old woman customer who tried to pull a fast one and demanded the bank honour the mistake I made an extra of $772 for her. Thankfully after I protested loud and clear to other colleagues, not a single $ was deducted from my last paycheck in Sep 2004
Any way, i used to love christmas, to shop for gifts for loved ones and also be heavily involved in church outreach events like caroling or worship band but now...............THINGS HAD CHANGED. Each Christmas, I am honoured to hold a family gathering. Its a Christmas cum New Year cum Rachel's birthday party. However, the budget for this event was slashed each year that this 2008, I feel all miserable and depressed already and pray much that God be merciful and bless us with what we need for the party and rachel's birthday gift.
Such is the quality of my life that had deteriorated much since I became a mother. What a contrast to my late teens and early 20s when I had everything. I was the envy of friends and church mates, being way ahead in fashion and gadgets and travelling much. Now I dread to go church every sunday as I have nothing to wear. Its the same t shirt (already have holes appearing) and tattered jeans skirt bought in 2006 after we sold the Mandarin Gardens Studio. I have not travelled for more than 10 years except by bus and mrt in Singapore. Yet as a doting mum, I will gladly let rachel have a bigger share of whatever food we are having and will not think twice to spend the last dollar on her!
Could we belong to those "living in poverty????" Frankly not! As long as one can afford to rent a private apartment, in this country, you will get less handouts and zero rebates and subsidies. Its a tiring struggle to believe God that we will emerge victorious soon, out of debt (mostly family mum's chemo bills related) have more than enough savings and investments and be prosperous. Yet this is the gist of the messages that our church wants us to believe God for. That life can be good. That our family can be and IS ALREADY???? Wealthy and Healthy by the Grace of God.
Guess this christmas I need Christ more than anything now!!!!!!!
Monday, 10 November 2008
$taying afloat
Suddenly 2008 is full of bad news. In the early part of the year, mum's condition took a strong wrong turn and after the max of 3 morphine patches, she was still in much pain and had to switch to morphine injection-pallative care. I really don't know why she was not healed and not saved even after many attempts by christian relatives. Sadly, we all had to see her go prematurely exactly a month short of her would be 61 birthday.
Then the China Shenzhen massive earthquake which killed many but the news not as shocking as my dad's elder sister who died suddenly while we were still mourning for our mum. Apparently his elderly sister had fell and died and was not discovered until she was missing at the dinner table by the huge extended family in china. By then her body had darkened much which was normal as the red blood cells being heavier will sink to the lower parts of the body postmortem.
I was so worried about the emotional blow my dad had to endure. He lamented that he had a bad life : divorce his first wife, two estranged kids now middle aged, lost his wife of 35 years and lost his favourite sister. This was the elder sister who gave him her food to eat when they had nothing to eat except potatoes during the post war years.
With some of my mum's insurance payout, I had invested in some shares more for dividends and with the long term objective of funding for rachel's future more than our retirement. Contra losses aside, I am now sitting on some $30000 paper losses for my entire portfolio including CPF investments. It does not help when Yan told me at church service yesterday, a video footage of pastor prince prophesying the financial crisis in a april 2005 sermon was broadcasted to boost his credibility. (He of course does not need that!) Well, he had warned many to exit the stock market during the bull run as he wants us to believe with him that the stock market is NOT God's way of growing wealth (Only tithing is, God's idea of sowing and reaping through tithes and offerings). Paper money is a move away from the Gold standard and the entire financial world is crumpling.
Well. I agree with the tithing message but personally as ex-financial consultant and ex insurance sales person, I cannot imagine a world without the stock market, insurances, currencies of various denominations and wealth planning and preservation. How can we go back to BARTER trade??? What about internet, fibreoptics, satellites and businesses? Is this too radical?
Anyway, whether one invests in the stock market or not, it nevertheless impacts the lives of ordinary citizens and residents. My dad'd food stall business is kinda of related to the economy. When times are not as good, cash is lacking and credit remains tight, many prefer to eat in, to eat instant noodles than to fork our $3 for a bowl of hot and delicious fish ball mee pok. That's life. With many Singaporeans already asset rich and cash poor before the start of the credit crisis, it is no surprise that many now are asset not so rich and cash poorer.
Tithing is the way out of this vicious cycle for christians who MUST believe that God is our provider and when we honour him with our finances that he had first bless us with, He will definitely provide more than enough. By tithing we also set apart all the finances for our use and that of the church. But to those that are not in the church, like my dad, other than cutting costs, what can be done??? Well for him, nothing beats the Singapore pools and may God bless him, and singapore pools cash takings as well since it is a BIG GIVER to the arts and music in this country.
Then the China Shenzhen massive earthquake which killed many but the news not as shocking as my dad's elder sister who died suddenly while we were still mourning for our mum. Apparently his elderly sister had fell and died and was not discovered until she was missing at the dinner table by the huge extended family in china. By then her body had darkened much which was normal as the red blood cells being heavier will sink to the lower parts of the body postmortem.
I was so worried about the emotional blow my dad had to endure. He lamented that he had a bad life : divorce his first wife, two estranged kids now middle aged, lost his wife of 35 years and lost his favourite sister. This was the elder sister who gave him her food to eat when they had nothing to eat except potatoes during the post war years.
With some of my mum's insurance payout, I had invested in some shares more for dividends and with the long term objective of funding for rachel's future more than our retirement. Contra losses aside, I am now sitting on some $30000 paper losses for my entire portfolio including CPF investments. It does not help when Yan told me at church service yesterday, a video footage of pastor prince prophesying the financial crisis in a april 2005 sermon was broadcasted to boost his credibility. (He of course does not need that!) Well, he had warned many to exit the stock market during the bull run as he wants us to believe with him that the stock market is NOT God's way of growing wealth (Only tithing is, God's idea of sowing and reaping through tithes and offerings). Paper money is a move away from the Gold standard and the entire financial world is crumpling.
Well. I agree with the tithing message but personally as ex-financial consultant and ex insurance sales person, I cannot imagine a world without the stock market, insurances, currencies of various denominations and wealth planning and preservation. How can we go back to BARTER trade??? What about internet, fibreoptics, satellites and businesses? Is this too radical?
Anyway, whether one invests in the stock market or not, it nevertheless impacts the lives of ordinary citizens and residents. My dad'd food stall business is kinda of related to the economy. When times are not as good, cash is lacking and credit remains tight, many prefer to eat in, to eat instant noodles than to fork our $3 for a bowl of hot and delicious fish ball mee pok. That's life. With many Singaporeans already asset rich and cash poor before the start of the credit crisis, it is no surprise that many now are asset not so rich and cash poorer.
Tithing is the way out of this vicious cycle for christians who MUST believe that God is our provider and when we honour him with our finances that he had first bless us with, He will definitely provide more than enough. By tithing we also set apart all the finances for our use and that of the church. But to those that are not in the church, like my dad, other than cutting costs, what can be done??? Well for him, nothing beats the Singapore pools and may God bless him, and singapore pools cash takings as well since it is a BIG GIVER to the arts and music in this country.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Long term Parenting
What a rare moment! Rachel is taking a nap which i pray is not too short, otherwise I may not get my thoughts sorted out in this blog. Sigh...........
This morning her violin lesson was a disaster. Actually the disaster started after we moved to the neighbouring estate. Well, an accurate analysis revealed that its not violin or music or teacher amy that she dislikes, its the fact that we often had to drag her out of the house when she is in tune with her favourite OKTO cartoons. After the handsome BEN 10, her favourite is Harry and the Bucketful of Dinosaurs. Er????????? Well I remembered the time when Teletubbies were considered Satanic and I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and my sister adored the Powerpuff Girls.
So Amy suggest we change strategy again. This time, I will start my lessons of 45mins followed by Rachel. The problem is this breastfed baby is so BABY!!!!!! She is so CLINGY and needs Mummy all the time even when daddy is there eager to help with toys, schooling and meals etc.
I feel sad when people criticised us parents for "spoiling" the kid. "You need to give her a younger sibling or she will forever be a baby!","You need to send her to school!", "You need to be more firm with her, use authority or she will dominate over the parents etc etc etc" Its like suddenly every one around you including those that never yet had a kid became "parenting experts"
Guess what? I decided to "tune out" of these unneccessary "parenting pressure". Looking back, I had been brought up with lots of scolding and caning and discipline more than any of my siblings mainly because I am the eldest and I am a follower of Christ even though my parents are non-believers who prayed to gods and ghosts and also for 4d lottery numbers etc.
I love my parents because somehow after knowing Jesus, you became more forgiving and loving towards your loved ones and friends. We love Rachel. In fact we love her so much that we do not want to tarnish her childhood with unneccessary pain, physical and emotional. We want her to be feel loved, cherished and important. She is a child of God like us and we want to show her the love of God through our parenting.
Rachel will not be a child forever. She is getting out of diapers permanently and already has a mind of her own. One day she may leave us to futher her studies, career or even for musical pursuits.
I reckon that the impact of the mother on her child's life is very strong and almost permanent. Physically, emotionally abusive mums and highly critical, negative mums produce kids that suffer lower self esteem and persismistic outlook for life. In my short few years to mother rachel, I want to leave a positive impact in her life. I want to be a good mum who leads her like a shepherd, one that plays with her like a good friend. One that models to her what being a mother is like so that one day she may choose to be one.
Frankly, I am blest with a good mother who did her best helping dad at the foodstall and completing the chores. In fact, because of Christ I am a better mum than my mother, as I am many times more patient and affectionate. However, with 4x the number of children to handle and without any maid, I think my mum did her best in her short life to positively impact the 4 kids. We learnt to respect her authority and benefitted much from her guidance and discipline. We fulfilled her dream that all of us will be degree holders for she did not have much opportunity to further her studies beyond the pre-u level due to illnesses and financial lack, being an orphan.
Long after I am gone, I pray Rachel will think well of me (of course daddy too) and remember the times we spent painting, reading, playing and also shopping and learning music together. I feel blest and honoured already to be a full time "life giver" -a mother to my child, probably my one and only beloved RACHEL
I believe she will turn out Better than expected. To God be the glory
This morning her violin lesson was a disaster. Actually the disaster started after we moved to the neighbouring estate. Well, an accurate analysis revealed that its not violin or music or teacher amy that she dislikes, its the fact that we often had to drag her out of the house when she is in tune with her favourite OKTO cartoons. After the handsome BEN 10, her favourite is Harry and the Bucketful of Dinosaurs. Er????????? Well I remembered the time when Teletubbies were considered Satanic and I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and my sister adored the Powerpuff Girls.
So Amy suggest we change strategy again. This time, I will start my lessons of 45mins followed by Rachel. The problem is this breastfed baby is so BABY!!!!!! She is so CLINGY and needs Mummy all the time even when daddy is there eager to help with toys, schooling and meals etc.
I feel sad when people criticised us parents for "spoiling" the kid. "You need to give her a younger sibling or she will forever be a baby!","You need to send her to school!", "You need to be more firm with her, use authority or she will dominate over the parents etc etc etc" Its like suddenly every one around you including those that never yet had a kid became "parenting experts"
Guess what? I decided to "tune out" of these unneccessary "parenting pressure". Looking back, I had been brought up with lots of scolding and caning and discipline more than any of my siblings mainly because I am the eldest and I am a follower of Christ even though my parents are non-believers who prayed to gods and ghosts and also for 4d lottery numbers etc.
I love my parents because somehow after knowing Jesus, you became more forgiving and loving towards your loved ones and friends. We love Rachel. In fact we love her so much that we do not want to tarnish her childhood with unneccessary pain, physical and emotional. We want her to be feel loved, cherished and important. She is a child of God like us and we want to show her the love of God through our parenting.
Rachel will not be a child forever. She is getting out of diapers permanently and already has a mind of her own. One day she may leave us to futher her studies, career or even for musical pursuits.
I reckon that the impact of the mother on her child's life is very strong and almost permanent. Physically, emotionally abusive mums and highly critical, negative mums produce kids that suffer lower self esteem and persismistic outlook for life. In my short few years to mother rachel, I want to leave a positive impact in her life. I want to be a good mum who leads her like a shepherd, one that plays with her like a good friend. One that models to her what being a mother is like so that one day she may choose to be one.
Frankly, I am blest with a good mother who did her best helping dad at the foodstall and completing the chores. In fact, because of Christ I am a better mum than my mother, as I am many times more patient and affectionate. However, with 4x the number of children to handle and without any maid, I think my mum did her best in her short life to positively impact the 4 kids. We learnt to respect her authority and benefitted much from her guidance and discipline. We fulfilled her dream that all of us will be degree holders for she did not have much opportunity to further her studies beyond the pre-u level due to illnesses and financial lack, being an orphan.
Long after I am gone, I pray Rachel will think well of me (of course daddy too) and remember the times we spent painting, reading, playing and also shopping and learning music together. I feel blest and honoured already to be a full time "life giver" -a mother to my child, probably my one and only beloved RACHEL
I believe she will turn out Better than expected. To God be the glory
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
I'm from MTV Generation too.
I've just revised the britney mtvs that i used to watch..ya..literally over and over again. Ya...even though some really conservative christians will say or nag me for being "worldly" its still one of my favourite entertainment, especially on-line, just like ebay.
I grew up watching MTVs. I used to record in those video tapes that you need to wind and unwind type. I remembered one of my favourite was "November Rain" by Guns N Roses. Then there was Celine Dion, Mariah carey and many others that I used to love. Back street boys and the guy that sang "living on a prayer" what was his name??? BON JOVI...ya luv him.
I used to own laser discs, that's how vintage I was, of the 4 heavenly kings until the cds and vcds took over. I especially love to karaoke to the Canto pop but not so the Mandarin ones, cos up to this day, I still dun like Mandarin, its so UNCOOL!! Ha
Frankly, I wish the christian world will catch up. When can we see more MTVs of worship titles.
? Or karaoke version with all the musicians and lead voices. Nah..that tantamounts to "self-glorification" of the various artiste many would argue. Whatever.....i guess to us MTV buffs, the choices are quite limited.
Talk about britney's latest "Womanizer" video. Well she is hot again. Lying down she appear much slimmer and well toned. I used to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and said to myself." one day I will appear in a sexy MTV, and sing my own songs too.." I was so confident then, of the beautifully shaped well tone body in my early 20s. Appearing nude in art or as a model are thoughts that can be entertained only in the mind as both my family and church will CRUCIFY me should i even consider that.
With my 1.57m height the only way I can satisfy my teenage dream of being a model is to showcase sexy lingerie. G strings. Diamond studed T strings included
But for now, I can only model for maternity wear. Nursing bras? any one??
But thankfully I am NOT so badly DISFIGURED by pregnancy, I just look like britney at the awards where she was obviously plump and not in form. The good news is, if she can do it with 2 kids, I sure can...provided I have time away from the super needy rachel to RUN, to DANCE, and to SHOP for hours.
Until then, I can do what britney does, lie flat and appear immediately slimmer and sexier.
I grew up watching MTVs. I used to record in those video tapes that you need to wind and unwind type. I remembered one of my favourite was "November Rain" by Guns N Roses. Then there was Celine Dion, Mariah carey and many others that I used to love. Back street boys and the guy that sang "living on a prayer" what was his name??? BON JOVI...ya luv him.
I used to own laser discs, that's how vintage I was, of the 4 heavenly kings until the cds and vcds took over. I especially love to karaoke to the Canto pop but not so the Mandarin ones, cos up to this day, I still dun like Mandarin, its so UNCOOL!! Ha
Frankly, I wish the christian world will catch up. When can we see more MTVs of worship titles.
? Or karaoke version with all the musicians and lead voices. Nah..that tantamounts to "self-glorification" of the various artiste many would argue. Whatever.....i guess to us MTV buffs, the choices are quite limited.
Talk about britney's latest "Womanizer" video. Well she is hot again. Lying down she appear much slimmer and well toned. I used to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and said to myself." one day I will appear in a sexy MTV, and sing my own songs too.." I was so confident then, of the beautifully shaped well tone body in my early 20s. Appearing nude in art or as a model are thoughts that can be entertained only in the mind as both my family and church will CRUCIFY me should i even consider that.
With my 1.57m height the only way I can satisfy my teenage dream of being a model is to showcase sexy lingerie. G strings. Diamond studed T strings included
But for now, I can only model for maternity wear. Nursing bras? any one??
But thankfully I am NOT so badly DISFIGURED by pregnancy, I just look like britney at the awards where she was obviously plump and not in form. The good news is, if she can do it with 2 kids, I sure can...provided I have time away from the super needy rachel to RUN, to DANCE, and to SHOP for hours.
Until then, I can do what britney does, lie flat and appear immediately slimmer and sexier.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Strength in time of need
Went orchard to anti stress......window shop even though Rachel wanted much to stay home and watch dvds. Oh she is so like her daddy, they can exist within the 4 walls and not have the urge to get out of the main door type, whereas i turn mouldy and grouchy if home bound for too long. Already my tolerance of staying in doors had gone up from a single day t0 max 3 days.
I think it all started in my teens when the 3 room flat we were dwelling in was so cramped with 7 family members including wheel chair bound grandpa who took up one of the two bedrooms. Immediately after my afternoon lessons and tutorials I would speed shop, mostly window shop in the near by Parkway Parade or City Plaza before dashing home in a cab $2.50 only to help care for the super grouchy hot and short tempered grand pa while both parents are at work at the food stall. Its those mundane stuff like getting him water, towel, food and medication. Grandpa stays on the bed most of the time because I do not have the strength to help transfer his 300 pounds body sans a leg to his 3rd wheel chair. In fact, he had to do all his business on the bed which had a specially constructed with a "loo" or hole in the bed.
Once my mum who was TCM nursing trained was cleaning his severely diabetic feet when one of the toes just fell into the basin. I was shivering in fear when i heard the commotion, but my mum just wrap it with ice cubes and called for an ambulance. I am the squeamish type. Blood, shit, urine, vomit, bones, ashes even leftover food or garbage...YUCK i cannot tolerate but my mum was so full of courage and VIRTUE as she cared for both my late chronically sick grandpa and my cancer stricken grandma. She was one super brave woman.
Sigh... my grandma, she was a quite strict vegetarian that chants a great deal each day. She had a gallstone removed when I was in lower primary so when she complained of gastric pain our family thought it was another gall stone episode. The medical report came out to be terminal cancer of the stomach. Within a month she was GONE. The last few days were really trying for me. I had to tolerate her loud wails in pain. She was puking dried blood and passing out fresh ones. The SGH doctors were not doing any thing as she was in her early 80s. The cancer was eating her up and no amount of prayer intercession with fasting seemed to help. I was so worn out so afraid that she would die in my presence as I was the only one that was with her most of the time. My parents were working their butts off to sustain the family and pay the medical bills while my siblings were in army and school hostel. I did lose the desire to excel in school though I still turn out to be amongst the top few in class.
One night my grandma crawled on all fours and begged me to "finish her off with a knife". I was so horrified, I kept praying in tongues for Jesus to take her pain away. She wailed throughout the night. It made me re-think that euthanasia is necessary especially when the victim is suffering much pain and want to end their lives. I hope one day, Singapore will legalise it so that some may die with peace and dignity with the help of professional palliative care-givers. But of course, as a christian we are raised to value life since it came from the Creator God. Though I cannot understand why some individuals need to suffer so much.
Any way, soon it was my mum's turn. In the last few years intensive chemotheraphy and a very resilient aggressive cancer of the colon had taken a drastic toll on her originally plump body. As the cancer spread to the lungs she suffered much searing intermitten pain on her back. She said it was like knives stabbing non stop into her spine and back muscles. Within months she was so weak and frail that she became really small framed with a lollipop head and her legs became too weak to carry the residual weight even and would buckle when she stood up.
The battle against cancer was a very furious one. One minute she was "healing" the cancer markers were consistently down, i was praising God, the next she was fighting a fast losing battle. Once her taste buds were destroyed, so went her otherwise good natured co-operative patient self. Towards the end she had shed more than 20kg at least. Its heart wrenching to pray much and witness your love one becoming worse and dying. Looking back, I was able to draw strength from deep within me, despite being heavily pregnant and later being a new mum and care-giver to Rachel, and care for my mum the best way I can.
Soon I was cleaning her house, preparing the plain watery porridge, administering the various drugs and morphine patches and changing the dressings. She once terrified me with more than 1.5L of dark green smelly vomit despite not eating anything for the entire day . Then there was the horrendous hair loss episode, hair was everywhere. While I clean up all the mess, I have no doubt that I contribute to the heaps of hair on the floor too, for the undue stress I felt, juggling the ever active toddler and my dying mum and travelling via public transport to and from marine parade to seng kang when there was no direct bus services.
Lastly, her fall and the huge pool of blood on the floor that led me in much shock and trembling. I was holding her bleeding head with a towel in my hand and calling the ambulance in the other and shouting to my 7 year old niece to care for my 2.5 year old energizer bunny baby in the living room. I was totally spooked by the blood, the sheer volume of it and how in that instant my phone went dead and I can only recall yan's HP number plus the ambulance that took an eternity to arrive. I was at the same time worried about the two kids in the living room, playing unsupervised. Cheryl saw the bloody mess I prayed she will not be spooked by it like I was in my childhood witnessing one bloody accident after another. Rachel I was not sure if she saw any thing but her older cousin was able to distract her with toys temporaily, I think. And the kids were hungry awaiting dinner from my sister who had a big shock entering the house. She had not checked her phone nor had she answer the urgent calls that Yan had sent her. The following week was a huge blur of hospital vigils and funeral arrangements.
Frankly I never expect such things to happen in my life. I am a happy go lucky shopper, an ex fashionista, a musician and sophisticated investor wanna be. Life is suppose to be full of party and friends and music and money. All these incidences changed me much. I became even more melancholic and withdrawn and certainly have no desire to make new friends, facebook or not. Its also tough sharing with the existing friend or two. I very much prefer to be alone, with my God, my family and my violin. And not forgetting an occasional investment or shopping spree to spice up regular church life.
And please God PLEASE, bless the rest of my family with good health, happiness, peace and prosperity. Protect them from within and without and love them Lord dearly.
I think it all started in my teens when the 3 room flat we were dwelling in was so cramped with 7 family members including wheel chair bound grandpa who took up one of the two bedrooms. Immediately after my afternoon lessons and tutorials I would speed shop, mostly window shop in the near by Parkway Parade or City Plaza before dashing home in a cab $2.50 only to help care for the super grouchy hot and short tempered grand pa while both parents are at work at the food stall. Its those mundane stuff like getting him water, towel, food and medication. Grandpa stays on the bed most of the time because I do not have the strength to help transfer his 300 pounds body sans a leg to his 3rd wheel chair. In fact, he had to do all his business on the bed which had a specially constructed with a "loo" or hole in the bed.
Once my mum who was TCM nursing trained was cleaning his severely diabetic feet when one of the toes just fell into the basin. I was shivering in fear when i heard the commotion, but my mum just wrap it with ice cubes and called for an ambulance. I am the squeamish type. Blood, shit, urine, vomit, bones, ashes even leftover food or garbage...YUCK i cannot tolerate but my mum was so full of courage and VIRTUE as she cared for both my late chronically sick grandpa and my cancer stricken grandma. She was one super brave woman.
Sigh... my grandma, she was a quite strict vegetarian that chants a great deal each day. She had a gallstone removed when I was in lower primary so when she complained of gastric pain our family thought it was another gall stone episode. The medical report came out to be terminal cancer of the stomach. Within a month she was GONE. The last few days were really trying for me. I had to tolerate her loud wails in pain. She was puking dried blood and passing out fresh ones. The SGH doctors were not doing any thing as she was in her early 80s. The cancer was eating her up and no amount of prayer intercession with fasting seemed to help. I was so worn out so afraid that she would die in my presence as I was the only one that was with her most of the time. My parents were working their butts off to sustain the family and pay the medical bills while my siblings were in army and school hostel. I did lose the desire to excel in school though I still turn out to be amongst the top few in class.
One night my grandma crawled on all fours and begged me to "finish her off with a knife". I was so horrified, I kept praying in tongues for Jesus to take her pain away. She wailed throughout the night. It made me re-think that euthanasia is necessary especially when the victim is suffering much pain and want to end their lives. I hope one day, Singapore will legalise it so that some may die with peace and dignity with the help of professional palliative care-givers. But of course, as a christian we are raised to value life since it came from the Creator God. Though I cannot understand why some individuals need to suffer so much.
Any way, soon it was my mum's turn. In the last few years intensive chemotheraphy and a very resilient aggressive cancer of the colon had taken a drastic toll on her originally plump body. As the cancer spread to the lungs she suffered much searing intermitten pain on her back. She said it was like knives stabbing non stop into her spine and back muscles. Within months she was so weak and frail that she became really small framed with a lollipop head and her legs became too weak to carry the residual weight even and would buckle when she stood up.
The battle against cancer was a very furious one. One minute she was "healing" the cancer markers were consistently down, i was praising God, the next she was fighting a fast losing battle. Once her taste buds were destroyed, so went her otherwise good natured co-operative patient self. Towards the end she had shed more than 20kg at least. Its heart wrenching to pray much and witness your love one becoming worse and dying. Looking back, I was able to draw strength from deep within me, despite being heavily pregnant and later being a new mum and care-giver to Rachel, and care for my mum the best way I can.
Soon I was cleaning her house, preparing the plain watery porridge, administering the various drugs and morphine patches and changing the dressings. She once terrified me with more than 1.5L of dark green smelly vomit despite not eating anything for the entire day . Then there was the horrendous hair loss episode, hair was everywhere. While I clean up all the mess, I have no doubt that I contribute to the heaps of hair on the floor too, for the undue stress I felt, juggling the ever active toddler and my dying mum and travelling via public transport to and from marine parade to seng kang when there was no direct bus services.
Lastly, her fall and the huge pool of blood on the floor that led me in much shock and trembling. I was holding her bleeding head with a towel in my hand and calling the ambulance in the other and shouting to my 7 year old niece to care for my 2.5 year old energizer bunny baby in the living room. I was totally spooked by the blood, the sheer volume of it and how in that instant my phone went dead and I can only recall yan's HP number plus the ambulance that took an eternity to arrive. I was at the same time worried about the two kids in the living room, playing unsupervised. Cheryl saw the bloody mess I prayed she will not be spooked by it like I was in my childhood witnessing one bloody accident after another. Rachel I was not sure if she saw any thing but her older cousin was able to distract her with toys temporaily, I think. And the kids were hungry awaiting dinner from my sister who had a big shock entering the house. She had not checked her phone nor had she answer the urgent calls that Yan had sent her. The following week was a huge blur of hospital vigils and funeral arrangements.
Frankly I never expect such things to happen in my life. I am a happy go lucky shopper, an ex fashionista, a musician and sophisticated investor wanna be. Life is suppose to be full of party and friends and music and money. All these incidences changed me much. I became even more melancholic and withdrawn and certainly have no desire to make new friends, facebook or not. Its also tough sharing with the existing friend or two. I very much prefer to be alone, with my God, my family and my violin. And not forgetting an occasional investment or shopping spree to spice up regular church life.
And please God PLEASE, bless the rest of my family with good health, happiness, peace and prosperity. Protect them from within and without and love them Lord dearly.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Some weird regrets
Yesterday I Spoke with Xiao AO who is in my opinion one of yan's brightest students at this moment. This well dressed young lady in her teens hail from China and she learnt to play the violin since she was about 6. A minor PE injury to her arm sort of led her to want to play the piano too. So here she is, alone in Singapore studying and learning music. I instantly liked her and found myself regreting my youth!
The youth of today is so mobile. So wired up. I never did visit any country until I was due to graduate. I think my first trip was to Hong Kong for a week long shopping. Its shopping bring the purchases back to Sheraton Hotel in the afternoon then dinner and shopping again. I LOVE IT!!!
I was ahead in fashion in esparadrilles and tube tops that my first church pastor SCOLDED me for wearing to service. As if I care!!! Ha, I meant to say that though my image was trendy though without earrings, and any accessories, I am a minimalist, I felt totally comfy in what i wear then mini skirts that boasted of fit and slim legs, not endless ones like yan's though. He is model material and should even pose nude for Gay magazines...hahaha
Many assumed that I had several relationships but quite contrary I had many good male friends that made me quite fussy about the man I would eventually date and marry and have kids with. Investment- wise I admit I do have an above average risk appetite and a time frame several generations long but when it comes to relationships, NAH...I am TOTALLY risk adverse, prefering to WAIT and be SURE. A few crushes here and there but NO i would not allow my heart to be broken so to speak.
The only time I allowed myself to really feel for someone I believe was a good bet and from God, was the only time I hurt the most. Afterall, I spent my adult life turning down potential guys that are EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW to me, only to have a taste of my own medicine in 2002. While the country was in a recession I was in a depression. So much pain was in my heart that I was totally unable to taste the food i eat. I applied for many jobs half heartedly and when I did get short-listed for interviews, I called to refuse the interviews. God was my refuge but sometimes I think he does not "understand" the many WHYS...WHATS...WHEN...HOW CAN???? ETC ETC. Many times it was hard to believe that he cared.
I started SPENDING to express my pain. I had debts for the first time in my life and i did not care. The credit spending snow-balled into something more serious, letters from banks demanding payment and I eventually had a BAILOUT by my dad sans the scolding.
Citibank headhunted me but I told the investment manager I am not in the mood to work for the time being and hung off the phone call. Rude har???
I wanted to get out of the sad feelings but I became at the same time became more in tune with mozart's requiem, which was the saddest music I ever heard. Mozart's death is still the saddest and i feel a loss that is even greater than my mum's recent passing on. I realised that I always wanted to make music and express my deepest feelings which no amount of art (water-colour and sketching) and words, (diary writing or yes even penning poems) can help. I am confirmed a right brained individual. Hee
YES LORD!!! I WANT.. I NEED TO PLAY MUSIC.
With new debt I bought my first real piano. A digital piano a Yamaha P80, $2500 and started to "worship" God with whatever meaningful tunes I can muster with the chords that I taught myself and slowly but surely God healed my achy breaky heart. I became an even more melancholic person with a stronger desire to be who I always wanted to be since I was a kid...a musician. It could be God compensation that I end up with a musician husband.
Anyway, indeed it was church music, hymms that played on the BBC that made me want to go church as a kid. Through the years, though I sang much Karaoke and served passionately in the various church music ministries, its the desire to make music that keeps me, my spirits ALIVE.
Looking back, I had spent far too much time on my studies determined to be a top student, to get into university and get out fast to help my family financially. My childhood was wrought with the Pan Electric Crisis, October Stock market crash 1987 Iraq war and the huge medical costs of ailing grandparents. My grand pa had a leg amputated for diabetes and was wheelchaired bound for a long time. My grandma had stomach carinoma and rejected Christ on her dying days. More recently my mum succumbed to metatastic colon cancer and like wise decline the many "offers" of salvation by well meaning christian relatives, pastor's wife included.
Indeed my youth was spent studying and praying for my family and "doing deeds" in churches to "save" them. I should have explore more, muscially included, relationships included and learnt early whether or not to trust my instincts.
At least, David Garrett had the same experience and feelings I once had. He had in the summer of 2005 fell head over heels with a girl. Like he said, " Unfortunately life can be cruel and she turned out not to feel the same way about me. I chose to deal with my torn emotions by using music as a vessel. being able to put all my love into music gave me the hope and strength to go on. Although it was written in a sad mood (the song serenade), ironically, sometimes it is precisely these emotions that make life worth living."
Perhaps it was my sensitive soul I was sub consciously trying to protect. Any way, I believe this saddest episode in my life sealed in me the desire to express myself musically for the rest of my life. To this end, I just want to play the violin well for the rest of my life. To God be the glory.
The youth of today is so mobile. So wired up. I never did visit any country until I was due to graduate. I think my first trip was to Hong Kong for a week long shopping. Its shopping bring the purchases back to Sheraton Hotel in the afternoon then dinner and shopping again. I LOVE IT!!!
I was ahead in fashion in esparadrilles and tube tops that my first church pastor SCOLDED me for wearing to service. As if I care!!! Ha, I meant to say that though my image was trendy though without earrings, and any accessories, I am a minimalist, I felt totally comfy in what i wear then mini skirts that boasted of fit and slim legs, not endless ones like yan's though. He is model material and should even pose nude for Gay magazines...hahaha
Many assumed that I had several relationships but quite contrary I had many good male friends that made me quite fussy about the man I would eventually date and marry and have kids with. Investment- wise I admit I do have an above average risk appetite and a time frame several generations long but when it comes to relationships, NAH...I am TOTALLY risk adverse, prefering to WAIT and be SURE. A few crushes here and there but NO i would not allow my heart to be broken so to speak.
The only time I allowed myself to really feel for someone I believe was a good bet and from God, was the only time I hurt the most. Afterall, I spent my adult life turning down potential guys that are EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW to me, only to have a taste of my own medicine in 2002. While the country was in a recession I was in a depression. So much pain was in my heart that I was totally unable to taste the food i eat. I applied for many jobs half heartedly and when I did get short-listed for interviews, I called to refuse the interviews. God was my refuge but sometimes I think he does not "understand" the many WHYS...WHATS...WHEN...HOW CAN???? ETC ETC. Many times it was hard to believe that he cared.
I started SPENDING to express my pain. I had debts for the first time in my life and i did not care. The credit spending snow-balled into something more serious, letters from banks demanding payment and I eventually had a BAILOUT by my dad sans the scolding.
Citibank headhunted me but I told the investment manager I am not in the mood to work for the time being and hung off the phone call. Rude har???
I wanted to get out of the sad feelings but I became at the same time became more in tune with mozart's requiem, which was the saddest music I ever heard. Mozart's death is still the saddest and i feel a loss that is even greater than my mum's recent passing on. I realised that I always wanted to make music and express my deepest feelings which no amount of art (water-colour and sketching) and words, (diary writing or yes even penning poems) can help. I am confirmed a right brained individual. Hee
YES LORD!!! I WANT.. I NEED TO PLAY MUSIC.
With new debt I bought my first real piano. A digital piano a Yamaha P80, $2500 and started to "worship" God with whatever meaningful tunes I can muster with the chords that I taught myself and slowly but surely God healed my achy breaky heart. I became an even more melancholic person with a stronger desire to be who I always wanted to be since I was a kid...a musician. It could be God compensation that I end up with a musician husband.
Anyway, indeed it was church music, hymms that played on the BBC that made me want to go church as a kid. Through the years, though I sang much Karaoke and served passionately in the various church music ministries, its the desire to make music that keeps me, my spirits ALIVE.
Looking back, I had spent far too much time on my studies determined to be a top student, to get into university and get out fast to help my family financially. My childhood was wrought with the Pan Electric Crisis, October Stock market crash 1987 Iraq war and the huge medical costs of ailing grandparents. My grand pa had a leg amputated for diabetes and was wheelchaired bound for a long time. My grandma had stomach carinoma and rejected Christ on her dying days. More recently my mum succumbed to metatastic colon cancer and like wise decline the many "offers" of salvation by well meaning christian relatives, pastor's wife included.
Indeed my youth was spent studying and praying for my family and "doing deeds" in churches to "save" them. I should have explore more, muscially included, relationships included and learnt early whether or not to trust my instincts.
At least, David Garrett had the same experience and feelings I once had. He had in the summer of 2005 fell head over heels with a girl. Like he said, " Unfortunately life can be cruel and she turned out not to feel the same way about me. I chose to deal with my torn emotions by using music as a vessel. being able to put all my love into music gave me the hope and strength to go on. Although it was written in a sad mood (the song serenade), ironically, sometimes it is precisely these emotions that make life worth living."
Perhaps it was my sensitive soul I was sub consciously trying to protect. Any way, I believe this saddest episode in my life sealed in me the desire to express myself musically for the rest of my life. To this end, I just want to play the violin well for the rest of my life. To God be the glory.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
A new abode
Finally! I've settled into this new place that is almost double my previous. I was initally worried about the moving and how rachel will feel "losing" her mandarin garden swimming pools and the various playgrounds.
Thankfully, after a week or so, she had settled well and has learnt to accept the 7 eleven convenience store as part of the new house deal. Several slurpees later, she now enjoys playing the computer games and JumpStart learning cd roms in the air conditioned studio as well as watching her collection of vcds, dvds in the massive living cum dining quarters.
Rachel still prefers to sleep wedge between us despite having her own bed. Since we are both not fat, the king bed can accomodate us all 3 different body types and I should say that we are well rested.
Today we walked 10 mins to Mandarin Gardens with our violins for our lessons at Block 7. Its funny, I do not feel weird at all not staying in MG anymore after a 5 year stay. Perhaps at Neptune court we are only an estate away, the beach, the Siglap eateries, Parkway Parade, the Airport are all the same. Sitting on one of the benches near block 7, yan and I was able to listen to ipod and read the gossipy New paper while rachel had her lesson with Amy first.
I'm happy with Rachel's progess! She can play the first phrase of twinkle twinkle little star and a all open string song called Beguine which is her current favourite. It goes like this "GGGGDDDDAAAAEEEEAAAADDDDGGGGGDAE." Amy told me today that when she accidentally bow two strings at once, she remarked that the E string has a A sound. So funny. Erm, I take it as a compliment that my young girl of 3 has musical sensitivity and awareness. Some kids are quite blur about such things, according to her teacher.
We love our family's cool hangout, the studio, where yan teaches the piano and where I monitor the market and rachel e-learns on the computer. This is also the place where we play our violins and ocassionally piano together with so much family fun.
Indeed even as i update this blog, I can't wait to practise what i learnt today especially so with the new Kun shoulder rest that was bought this morning at lesson time to replace the current, made in china, free accessory that is worn out.
Thankfully, after a week or so, she had settled well and has learnt to accept the 7 eleven convenience store as part of the new house deal. Several slurpees later, she now enjoys playing the computer games and JumpStart learning cd roms in the air conditioned studio as well as watching her collection of vcds, dvds in the massive living cum dining quarters.
Rachel still prefers to sleep wedge between us despite having her own bed. Since we are both not fat, the king bed can accomodate us all 3 different body types and I should say that we are well rested.
Today we walked 10 mins to Mandarin Gardens with our violins for our lessons at Block 7. Its funny, I do not feel weird at all not staying in MG anymore after a 5 year stay. Perhaps at Neptune court we are only an estate away, the beach, the Siglap eateries, Parkway Parade, the Airport are all the same. Sitting on one of the benches near block 7, yan and I was able to listen to ipod and read the gossipy New paper while rachel had her lesson with Amy first.
I'm happy with Rachel's progess! She can play the first phrase of twinkle twinkle little star and a all open string song called Beguine which is her current favourite. It goes like this "GGGGDDDDAAAAEEEEAAAADDDDGGGGGDAE." Amy told me today that when she accidentally bow two strings at once, she remarked that the E string has a A sound. So funny. Erm, I take it as a compliment that my young girl of 3 has musical sensitivity and awareness. Some kids are quite blur about such things, according to her teacher.
We love our family's cool hangout, the studio, where yan teaches the piano and where I monitor the market and rachel e-learns on the computer. This is also the place where we play our violins and ocassionally piano together with so much family fun.
Indeed even as i update this blog, I can't wait to practise what i learnt today especially so with the new Kun shoulder rest that was bought this morning at lesson time to replace the current, made in china, free accessory that is worn out.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
What a $ Mess!!!
This is perhaps my most angry blog! No, there will not be any vuglarities as I am not the type to shout the F or S word unlike one of my sis in law. (clue: not local)
What happened is this: Our current landlord had hiked the rental by double what we had been paying for a small studio apartment with panaromic seaview. She had bought this unit, our matrimonal home in 2006 with tenancy and had to of course honour the tenancy agreement. However, as the lease nears expiration, it became evident that we need to move out of our beloved home. For $3000, it no longer seemed wise to rent this small apartment when there was only a bedroom for the 3 of us. Besides, yan had begin to teach mainly from home and having an aircon room as a piano studio will definitely be better for the teacher, the students and the family.
When told that we will not renew our lease based on the new terms, the landlord was pleased to "offer" this: that she would prorate the rent should we move out earlier a week or two since our lease will expire on 8 sept 2008 and they needed time to refurnish this "vacant" apartment to get it ready for the next tenant. Its sounded like a ok deal, as we had began house hunting and its really not easy to get a unit that we like, that is both functionable and affordable since rental rates in D15 are really on the high side.
With the piano studio as our main criteria, we finally found a suitable unit in the neighbouring estate and managed to start the tenancy a month later, thinking that we could move out earlier. Moving out earlier would mean that the current landlord could get much better rates too in the current market situation, yes at least double.
To my horror, when spoken to yesterday.The landlady seemed to "forgot" what she had said or offered. She was not at all agreeable to us moving out earlier and insisted we stay till the end of the lease as it was "unfair" to her. She kept mentioning that she need our rental to make loan payments taken against the property. What was to be a amiable solution turned into a angry emotional conversation. I was really upset. Perhaps more with myself that I should be so trusting. That without the preferred legal black and white, I took the "bait" and now out new place is 24 days early and paying rent on both sides will set us back by some $3200. I just could not believe that she would go back on her own words and then deny and then tried to re-explain everything to " what she think she had meant out of kindness was"...etc etc.
We tried to delay the start date for the new place without any avail. Still, to lose $3200 like that is crazy. It was something I should have been more careful about. Afterall, she was no friend or relative but a landLORD who needs to $$$$. My dad and eve had always advise that one should never trust others easily. Perhaps I grew up in the church environment where everyone is kind of reliable and help was readily available.
A sincere naive moment and now this......................MESS! SIGH!
Even blogging about it makes me fume still.
While this issue is beyond me and my family, I am thankful that I have a God who cannot fail who does not go back on his words. My family is depending on the almighty Father God to get us out of this mess and to minimise the potential financial damage. Even so, God can restore to us the years the locusts had eaten. He will definitely bless us back many more fold.
What happened is this: Our current landlord had hiked the rental by double what we had been paying for a small studio apartment with panaromic seaview. She had bought this unit, our matrimonal home in 2006 with tenancy and had to of course honour the tenancy agreement. However, as the lease nears expiration, it became evident that we need to move out of our beloved home. For $3000, it no longer seemed wise to rent this small apartment when there was only a bedroom for the 3 of us. Besides, yan had begin to teach mainly from home and having an aircon room as a piano studio will definitely be better for the teacher, the students and the family.
When told that we will not renew our lease based on the new terms, the landlord was pleased to "offer" this: that she would prorate the rent should we move out earlier a week or two since our lease will expire on 8 sept 2008 and they needed time to refurnish this "vacant" apartment to get it ready for the next tenant. Its sounded like a ok deal, as we had began house hunting and its really not easy to get a unit that we like, that is both functionable and affordable since rental rates in D15 are really on the high side.
With the piano studio as our main criteria, we finally found a suitable unit in the neighbouring estate and managed to start the tenancy a month later, thinking that we could move out earlier. Moving out earlier would mean that the current landlord could get much better rates too in the current market situation, yes at least double.
To my horror, when spoken to yesterday.The landlady seemed to "forgot" what she had said or offered. She was not at all agreeable to us moving out earlier and insisted we stay till the end of the lease as it was "unfair" to her. She kept mentioning that she need our rental to make loan payments taken against the property. What was to be a amiable solution turned into a angry emotional conversation. I was really upset. Perhaps more with myself that I should be so trusting. That without the preferred legal black and white, I took the "bait" and now out new place is 24 days early and paying rent on both sides will set us back by some $3200. I just could not believe that she would go back on her own words and then deny and then tried to re-explain everything to " what she think she had meant out of kindness was"...etc etc.
We tried to delay the start date for the new place without any avail. Still, to lose $3200 like that is crazy. It was something I should have been more careful about. Afterall, she was no friend or relative but a landLORD who needs to $$$$. My dad and eve had always advise that one should never trust others easily. Perhaps I grew up in the church environment where everyone is kind of reliable and help was readily available.
A sincere naive moment and now this......................MESS! SIGH!
Even blogging about it makes me fume still.
While this issue is beyond me and my family, I am thankful that I have a God who cannot fail who does not go back on his words. My family is depending on the almighty Father God to get us out of this mess and to minimise the potential financial damage. Even so, God can restore to us the years the locusts had eaten. He will definitely bless us back many more fold.
Friday, 18 July 2008
We got to move it move it!!!
Its almost official. We are moving out by mid next month.
Where we will reside for the next 2 years will be announced later.
Right now, I am taking every waking free moment to packing and more packing. In fact, I had listed several big baby items like pram, stroller, moses basket with stand etc for disposal sale.
Another huge headache is the vast collection of books and cds that our family "invests" in. Even our little darling's collection of books, cds and dvds are growing weekly. In the end I decided to part with almost all the christian books and many bibles including huge study bibles, commentaries and worship cds.
My first customer is a young born again filipino maid. I understand her financial situation and decided to bless her anyway with a tonne of study bibles, bible commentaries, books, cds, shoes,bags and clothes for a mere $50. On top of that I gave her a supermarket auntie push trolley to bring her purchases back.
Her face glow and her eyes shone. She was so happy, sharing that she will bring back most of the things to her country to sell and bless her friends. Of course, I could sell these items for much much more on the internet. Other than the lack of time for any online trading, I reckon that I probably will donate everything to Salvation Army who will then sell them to raise money for the needy.
Anyway, I had been a regular donor to the Salvation Army since I was a teen. It started with 54 soft toys that I collected over a few years and then it progressed to previous season fashion that I wouldn't be caught dead in to make way for new trends. Excuses for endless shopping.
But here standing before me a few hours ago was a young lady, at least she is 7 years younger, single who can only attend church once a month, Its a wonderful opportunity to bless her and her family and have less things to move. She was given a chance to be treated much better. Most things that she like or need or want to give to others. "ok...its free. just take"
Amongst the load of things that she moved back with her "mixed breed" young charge, was at least 20 worship cds. Songs that I grew up with. Songs that I sang on the stage ministering the love of Christ to the sick and needy and lost. Songs that I learnt to play though "awfully in rhythm" on the digital piano that is now quite worn and rusty due to the high humidity levels residing near the sea.
Later in the afternoon when I was rather sleepy, I received an sms from the same maid/customer.
"Hi once again Mrs lee. My never ending thanks 2 u im listening now the cds i bought fr u and its reviving my spirit u know. am so happy and contented, they are awesome."
Wow!! She made my day!Its good to know that her spirits are uplifted. Its so worth it. All the effort of packing and classifying and the decision to "junk" all the things including christian literature cds and bibles that had been occupying precious storage space in this internet age.
God is our provider indeed.
Where we will reside for the next 2 years will be announced later.
Right now, I am taking every waking free moment to packing and more packing. In fact, I had listed several big baby items like pram, stroller, moses basket with stand etc for disposal sale.
Another huge headache is the vast collection of books and cds that our family "invests" in. Even our little darling's collection of books, cds and dvds are growing weekly. In the end I decided to part with almost all the christian books and many bibles including huge study bibles, commentaries and worship cds.
My first customer is a young born again filipino maid. I understand her financial situation and decided to bless her anyway with a tonne of study bibles, bible commentaries, books, cds, shoes,bags and clothes for a mere $50. On top of that I gave her a supermarket auntie push trolley to bring her purchases back.
Her face glow and her eyes shone. She was so happy, sharing that she will bring back most of the things to her country to sell and bless her friends. Of course, I could sell these items for much much more on the internet. Other than the lack of time for any online trading, I reckon that I probably will donate everything to Salvation Army who will then sell them to raise money for the needy.
Anyway, I had been a regular donor to the Salvation Army since I was a teen. It started with 54 soft toys that I collected over a few years and then it progressed to previous season fashion that I wouldn't be caught dead in to make way for new trends. Excuses for endless shopping.
But here standing before me a few hours ago was a young lady, at least she is 7 years younger, single who can only attend church once a month, Its a wonderful opportunity to bless her and her family and have less things to move. She was given a chance to be treated much better. Most things that she like or need or want to give to others. "ok...its free. just take"
Amongst the load of things that she moved back with her "mixed breed" young charge, was at least 20 worship cds. Songs that I grew up with. Songs that I sang on the stage ministering the love of Christ to the sick and needy and lost. Songs that I learnt to play though "awfully in rhythm" on the digital piano that is now quite worn and rusty due to the high humidity levels residing near the sea.
Later in the afternoon when I was rather sleepy, I received an sms from the same maid/customer.
"Hi once again Mrs lee. My never ending thanks 2 u im listening now the cds i bought fr u and its reviving my spirit u know. am so happy and contented, they are awesome."
Wow!! She made my day!Its good to know that her spirits are uplifted. Its so worth it. All the effort of packing and classifying and the decision to "junk" all the things including christian literature cds and bibles that had been occupying precious storage space in this internet age.
God is our provider indeed.
Monday, 14 July 2008
Rental woes
We viewed a neptune court apartment this afternoon. Although it is not ideal it seems quite acceptable in terms of layout, flat condition and budget. But still the asking is $1000 more than what we are now paying. The rental market here is well supported by demand from expats who are downgrading from the prime districts, the many indian "foreign talents" and some locals who need proximity to the airport.
Personally, I prefer to reside in mandarin gardens still due to the amenities and the familarity that Rachel had grown up with. Neptune courts boast of old swings and a 7 eleven that's it. Even the block that we viewed today is so far deep in near the sea, unsheltered and i wonder if its convenient really for the students and our family when we need to carry rachel and or the groceries sometimes since we do not have the luxury of a car. Further more we cant move too far away from Mandarin Gardens due to the home studio and for the sake of the students residing in the estate.
After all is said, we still need to borrow money from my dad for the security deposit, rental, commission etc. Sigh>>>>> I still owe my sister close to 5 figures for the remaining share of my late mum's chemo debt.
And as if all these is not enough, Yan announced that his mum want a monthly maintenance of $450, which is quite a lot in ringgit for a maid and others. Already we are paying her mobile phone and bills and struggling much with whatever we have left. Rachel will be home schooled since we do not have any budget for her to return to childcare or kindergarten.
Told yan, perhaps we should stop rachel's violin lessons, that save us $150. Get her off diapers permanently that will save us another $100 the other $200 his sister's family need to contribute to manage this additional financial burden.
Personally, I prefer to reside in mandarin gardens still due to the amenities and the familarity that Rachel had grown up with. Neptune courts boast of old swings and a 7 eleven that's it. Even the block that we viewed today is so far deep in near the sea, unsheltered and i wonder if its convenient really for the students and our family when we need to carry rachel and or the groceries sometimes since we do not have the luxury of a car. Further more we cant move too far away from Mandarin Gardens due to the home studio and for the sake of the students residing in the estate.
After all is said, we still need to borrow money from my dad for the security deposit, rental, commission etc. Sigh>>>>> I still owe my sister close to 5 figures for the remaining share of my late mum's chemo debt.
And as if all these is not enough, Yan announced that his mum want a monthly maintenance of $450, which is quite a lot in ringgit for a maid and others. Already we are paying her mobile phone and bills and struggling much with whatever we have left. Rachel will be home schooled since we do not have any budget for her to return to childcare or kindergarten.
Told yan, perhaps we should stop rachel's violin lessons, that save us $150. Get her off diapers permanently that will save us another $100 the other $200 his sister's family need to contribute to manage this additional financial burden.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
No longer chicken
Hahaha...I am feeling victorious as I finally chopped the first fresh whole chicken in my life!!!
Growing up I often feel "disgusted" when my mum prepares the dinner. Nothing beats witnessing my dad slaughter a poor hen when i was very young. I saw him bend the neck of the bird and slashed the throat. The helpless bird then struggled and bled to death inside the dark inverted pail in the bathroom. Once certified dead, the new carcass was immersed in boiling hot water after which the feathers were dutifully removed. Looking at the kill, I thought I may become a vegetarian, but NAH, i love the fresh chicken meat even more . Besides being a O+ blood group person I need a lot of meat to line the acidic stomach and to keep the metabolism and energy levels up.
I've tried eating only vegetables and fruits only in preparation of a 40day fast several years ago. Yes the inital few days were really tiring and "detoxifying" but no I did not really experience the high energy levels in the subsequent days until the end of the fast when i resume my "proper balanced meals". Yes, meat esp red meat and red wine and good coffee along with stir fry or raw vegetables and fruits that's my best diet, going by the energy levels, general well being and weight gain, which is hardly unless I consume too much carbohydrates. Coincidentally, bread is also my favourite. My perfect breakfast is a plain baguette with coffee, while yan prefers the bacon, eggs and sausages.
Just last fortnight, I bought a pomfret,a white one from my favourite supermarket Cold Storage and to my horror discovered that it had not been cleaned out. I had no choice but tried to cleaned it, all the yucky entails and all, in the manner of my parents. The delicious fish was steamed and eaten, and upon reflection its not that YUCKY after all. Of course, nowadays, places like NTUC and Giant do offer the cleaning services so one does not need to further dirty the hands but still its a skill that every home grown chef should possess.
Chicken, fish, prawns. I really will like to kill the live crabs next but not after at least watching my dad DO IT one more time. Indeed Jamie Oliver is the next most life changing person in my life after Christ and Yan. Because of Jamie, I developed GREEN FINGERS. In our mini garden in the sea view balcony are herbs, chives, basil, tomatoes, chilli, chilli padi, ginger, garlic, onions and now my potatoes are growing in a bag against the balcony wall.
I learnt several dishes already. I loved the English Onion Soup which saw me improve dramatically my onion slicing skills. Now i think a food processor which we do not own is actually a waste of money. Though I do not mind owning a blender or a juice extractor. An electric oven will be necessary in time to come when i do more heavy duty meat roasting.
Looking back, I never imagined that I will cook well. I mean as a busy senior executive, cooking is microwaving and stir frying everything. Indeed motherhood changes me. Call me an aunty it does not bother me at all.
I am happy learning everyday. From gardening, to cooking, to home schooling rachel and new violin pieces. Life can be simple, challenging and inspiring at home as well.
Growing up I often feel "disgusted" when my mum prepares the dinner. Nothing beats witnessing my dad slaughter a poor hen when i was very young. I saw him bend the neck of the bird and slashed the throat. The helpless bird then struggled and bled to death inside the dark inverted pail in the bathroom. Once certified dead, the new carcass was immersed in boiling hot water after which the feathers were dutifully removed. Looking at the kill, I thought I may become a vegetarian, but NAH, i love the fresh chicken meat even more . Besides being a O+ blood group person I need a lot of meat to line the acidic stomach and to keep the metabolism and energy levels up.
I've tried eating only vegetables and fruits only in preparation of a 40day fast several years ago. Yes the inital few days were really tiring and "detoxifying" but no I did not really experience the high energy levels in the subsequent days until the end of the fast when i resume my "proper balanced meals". Yes, meat esp red meat and red wine and good coffee along with stir fry or raw vegetables and fruits that's my best diet, going by the energy levels, general well being and weight gain, which is hardly unless I consume too much carbohydrates. Coincidentally, bread is also my favourite. My perfect breakfast is a plain baguette with coffee, while yan prefers the bacon, eggs and sausages.
Just last fortnight, I bought a pomfret,a white one from my favourite supermarket Cold Storage and to my horror discovered that it had not been cleaned out. I had no choice but tried to cleaned it, all the yucky entails and all, in the manner of my parents. The delicious fish was steamed and eaten, and upon reflection its not that YUCKY after all. Of course, nowadays, places like NTUC and Giant do offer the cleaning services so one does not need to further dirty the hands but still its a skill that every home grown chef should possess.
Chicken, fish, prawns. I really will like to kill the live crabs next but not after at least watching my dad DO IT one more time. Indeed Jamie Oliver is the next most life changing person in my life after Christ and Yan. Because of Jamie, I developed GREEN FINGERS. In our mini garden in the sea view balcony are herbs, chives, basil, tomatoes, chilli, chilli padi, ginger, garlic, onions and now my potatoes are growing in a bag against the balcony wall.
I learnt several dishes already. I loved the English Onion Soup which saw me improve dramatically my onion slicing skills. Now i think a food processor which we do not own is actually a waste of money. Though I do not mind owning a blender or a juice extractor. An electric oven will be necessary in time to come when i do more heavy duty meat roasting.
Looking back, I never imagined that I will cook well. I mean as a busy senior executive, cooking is microwaving and stir frying everything. Indeed motherhood changes me. Call me an aunty it does not bother me at all.
I am happy learning everyday. From gardening, to cooking, to home schooling rachel and new violin pieces. Life can be simple, challenging and inspiring at home as well.
Sunday, 6 July 2008
Where shall we Live???
My family is believing God for a home, in Mandarin gardens. Afterall, at this moment no other place feels like home. I love the sea, I want to stay near the beach. Yan's piano studio is here and uprooting elsewhere may not be ideal for the many students that come for lessons in our place. Rachel was born here and I believe this is one ideal place for her childhood and our parenthood.
Personally I can feel the property market cooling. That is great news. With more projects in the nearby amber and marine parade areas TOP soon, more rental units will be on the market and I pray that rent will come down soon, substantially.
Yesterday we viewed a shabby 2+1 marine parade flat with asking rental of $1800. Both of us were shocked to our bones, such a tiny unit, horrible floor tiles and a "vacant" unit could command so much. Yet I understand that "foreign talents" will gladly grab these units and even those 3+1 for up to $2500 monthly in this old estate of almost 30 years.
Sometimes I can't help but feel that in the pursuit to stay economically viable, the influx of "foreign talents" is adding more stress to our already fast paced lifestyle. With an ageing and picky labour force, we are indeed "losing" jobs to the PRs. The demographics of this city had changed with 1 in 4 no longer local. Some FTs bring with them undesirable habits like free-will spitting, squatting and others really bad smells. While some competition is good, life became more stressful when one had to spend much time in crowded public transport and also long queues.
Thankfully our family is pretty freelance and our off peak usage of public transport and malls made life more livable. My only grouse is rental and property ownership becoming more out of reach for ordinary citizens., especially those with families.
With only less than 2 months to go, we are depending on God our provider, to bless us with a home. Nothing is impossible with him. I believed and thank God that he had already provided a choice home in this same estate and the rental will be way below current market one. He will provide all the funds we need and more. It will be a place we all like, newly renovated, fully air con and with a good view. A peaceful place where we can live, work and nurture rachel well, not forgetting the music making.
Thank you Lord.
Personally I can feel the property market cooling. That is great news. With more projects in the nearby amber and marine parade areas TOP soon, more rental units will be on the market and I pray that rent will come down soon, substantially.
Yesterday we viewed a shabby 2+1 marine parade flat with asking rental of $1800. Both of us were shocked to our bones, such a tiny unit, horrible floor tiles and a "vacant" unit could command so much. Yet I understand that "foreign talents" will gladly grab these units and even those 3+1 for up to $2500 monthly in this old estate of almost 30 years.
Sometimes I can't help but feel that in the pursuit to stay economically viable, the influx of "foreign talents" is adding more stress to our already fast paced lifestyle. With an ageing and picky labour force, we are indeed "losing" jobs to the PRs. The demographics of this city had changed with 1 in 4 no longer local. Some FTs bring with them undesirable habits like free-will spitting, squatting and others really bad smells. While some competition is good, life became more stressful when one had to spend much time in crowded public transport and also long queues.
Thankfully our family is pretty freelance and our off peak usage of public transport and malls made life more livable. My only grouse is rental and property ownership becoming more out of reach for ordinary citizens., especially those with families.
With only less than 2 months to go, we are depending on God our provider, to bless us with a home. Nothing is impossible with him. I believed and thank God that he had already provided a choice home in this same estate and the rental will be way below current market one. He will provide all the funds we need and more. It will be a place we all like, newly renovated, fully air con and with a good view. A peaceful place where we can live, work and nurture rachel well, not forgetting the music making.
Thank you Lord.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
$ no enough
I think the oil and food crisis is the main concern for everyone since the beginning of 2008. Inflation too, which was always hovering around 1.5% is now several times higher. With low bank interest rates still, whatever money we have in the bank is actually "eroding" away even though it may "grow digitally by a few decimal places".
I noticed that prices of basic commodites had gone up along with utilities and transport and it seems harder each month to save any money at all. This crisis not unlike in the early 70s is making many downgrade their lifestyles from luxurious to comfortable, from comfortable to necessities and for some from basic necessities to even sheer poverty.
I did a comparison for the expenditures since 2006 and noticed that our fixed expenses had almost doubled with a toddler and rental. Whatever savings is arbitary. Like most Singaporeans we lived from pay cheque to pay cheque with the help of some form of credit facilities. The only difference is that we made sure we "pay" our tithes which is almost 12 to 15% for the 2008 which we committed to the Lord about inclusive of the building fund pledge.
Yes, God is our provider, he will make sure we do not starve. At the same time, our family is cutting costs avoiding the cinemas, spas (its DIY nails time), holidays, shopping and dining out. Cooking does help to reduce the bulk of the food bill but grocery shopping and washing up can be such headaches. I think ever since I started to cook almost daily, the quality of my life had deteriorated much. With much time spent in the kitchen near the stove or sink-to-dishwasher then dishwasher-to-cupboards and also house-cleaning and coaching rachel, I pretty much do not have the time i need to practice the violin well and trim my overgrown figure. I really had morphed into a AUNTIE and upped my risks for a potential divorce!!! (just kidding)
This global energy and food crisis is also making me want more of a resource called MONEY! While there were certain periods in my life when I suffered lack, I thank God that with his grace we did get by. At this moment, as a non income generating parent, I pray that God will bless us with abundance so we can share with the extended family and the poor in this country.
Personally, I need a place to stay. A place that we both like, a safe environment for rachel to grow up in. I do not fancy at all, in fact i hate moving. So I really ask God for a good comfortable place to dwell peacefully and happily in. With more money I will send rachel to chinese and ballet classes probably french too, and have some time to hit the gym or enjoy a rejuvenating massage.
When money is of no issue, I would like to hire domestic helpers to clean the place and help out with the grocery shopping and cooking. Yes, I definitely need a much better violin and bow with a good suspension case, bam? Our family badly needs a holiday, Disneyland Hong kong for rachel, Europe for the adults since we had yet go on a honeymoon. For a public transport taking family, we crave the convenience of a family car, especially when its so hot and sunny or horribly rainy at times.
I need to refresh my entire wardrobe of old t-shirts and jean skirts. Plus I dun even have a proper bag. Oh and there's the thousand and one moles that need to be laser off from the face. may be some wrinkle ironing botox. Not to forget, Slimming treatments. haha. The list is endless....................
I look forward to the day, by God's grace, our family will be the head and not the tail, the lender and giver and not the borrower. Our family can be amongst the rich in this nation because we worship a real God. He will prosper us because he loves us.
With God all things are possible
I noticed that prices of basic commodites had gone up along with utilities and transport and it seems harder each month to save any money at all. This crisis not unlike in the early 70s is making many downgrade their lifestyles from luxurious to comfortable, from comfortable to necessities and for some from basic necessities to even sheer poverty.
I did a comparison for the expenditures since 2006 and noticed that our fixed expenses had almost doubled with a toddler and rental. Whatever savings is arbitary. Like most Singaporeans we lived from pay cheque to pay cheque with the help of some form of credit facilities. The only difference is that we made sure we "pay" our tithes which is almost 12 to 15% for the 2008 which we committed to the Lord about inclusive of the building fund pledge.
Yes, God is our provider, he will make sure we do not starve. At the same time, our family is cutting costs avoiding the cinemas, spas (its DIY nails time), holidays, shopping and dining out. Cooking does help to reduce the bulk of the food bill but grocery shopping and washing up can be such headaches. I think ever since I started to cook almost daily, the quality of my life had deteriorated much. With much time spent in the kitchen near the stove or sink-to-dishwasher then dishwasher-to-cupboards and also house-cleaning and coaching rachel, I pretty much do not have the time i need to practice the violin well and trim my overgrown figure. I really had morphed into a AUNTIE and upped my risks for a potential divorce!!! (just kidding)
This global energy and food crisis is also making me want more of a resource called MONEY! While there were certain periods in my life when I suffered lack, I thank God that with his grace we did get by. At this moment, as a non income generating parent, I pray that God will bless us with abundance so we can share with the extended family and the poor in this country.
Personally, I need a place to stay. A place that we both like, a safe environment for rachel to grow up in. I do not fancy at all, in fact i hate moving. So I really ask God for a good comfortable place to dwell peacefully and happily in. With more money I will send rachel to chinese and ballet classes probably french too, and have some time to hit the gym or enjoy a rejuvenating massage.
When money is of no issue, I would like to hire domestic helpers to clean the place and help out with the grocery shopping and cooking. Yes, I definitely need a much better violin and bow with a good suspension case, bam? Our family badly needs a holiday, Disneyland Hong kong for rachel, Europe for the adults since we had yet go on a honeymoon. For a public transport taking family, we crave the convenience of a family car, especially when its so hot and sunny or horribly rainy at times.
I need to refresh my entire wardrobe of old t-shirts and jean skirts. Plus I dun even have a proper bag. Oh and there's the thousand and one moles that need to be laser off from the face. may be some wrinkle ironing botox. Not to forget, Slimming treatments. haha. The list is endless....................
I look forward to the day, by God's grace, our family will be the head and not the tail, the lender and giver and not the borrower. Our family can be amongst the rich in this nation because we worship a real God. He will prosper us because he loves us.
With God all things are possible
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Taking stock H1 2008
Gosh!
Suddenly half of 2008 is GONE! I've been busy as usual with all the mothering, (yes I am still breastfeeding my 3.5 year old toddler), house-keeping, cooking (cost cutting measure plus opportunites to improve my culinary skills with Jamie Oliver as a "mentor"), learning the violin, which of course is a MAJOR project in life and more.
The beginning months of 2008 were very tough! As much as I prayed and fasted and hoped that my mum would recover, she eventually left us in early march, after getting very weak and sickly due to the end stages of cancer. I tried my best to care for her and help her with chores for a few months leading to the end of her life. Grieve I did for a short while, yes I miss her but LIFE goes on and with my many commitments as a full time home-maker mum, I am kept too busy to dwell in the negative region. Plus music helps really, I had read up on the deaths of chopin, beethoven, shumann and mozart and felt too the loss to the music world when they passed on.
My mum's death did remind me of my dead grandparents and I am keen to know more about my lineage though that in christ is far more important. Likewise, I do not know how much time I have with rachel but I will wholeheartedly "sow" into our relationship and thank God for her.
I hope she sees in me a mentor, a coach, a friend and lastly a mum. A mum who had a passion for Christ, music (especially playing the violin), cooking, art (drawing and painting), french, gardening, house-keeping and keeping fit. A mum who got her started on violin lessons a day before she turned 3 and is willing to queue for mascot photo-taking sessions. A mum who dotes on her and loves her with exceeding great love complete with plenty of indulgences of toys and ice-creams balanced with much nurturing and coaching activities. A mum who loves and serves the family including the wonderful daddy who is the head of the family.
The next half will be an exciting one!! We are believing God for a new home cum piano studio since our lease is expiring and the landlord has hiked the rental by double. Wherever God had prepared in advance for us, I believe it will be a good and peaceful place, safe for the family, ideal for the studio and dwelling. This next half I know God who is for us, will surely bless us with good health, marital bliss, protection, peace and prosperity.
I want to step up on violin technique, revise my french as I teach rachel, prepare healthier cuisines, strengthen my core muscles and enjoy God's abundant blessings in life. A family holiday would be nice!
Finally, I realised I've nothing I really want to buy except a house, a car and a really good violin. Well, my God who made me and loves me "will provide exceedingly, abundantly, far above all i could ever ask or imagine"
Thank you Lord!
Suddenly half of 2008 is GONE! I've been busy as usual with all the mothering, (yes I am still breastfeeding my 3.5 year old toddler), house-keeping, cooking (cost cutting measure plus opportunites to improve my culinary skills with Jamie Oliver as a "mentor"), learning the violin, which of course is a MAJOR project in life and more.
The beginning months of 2008 were very tough! As much as I prayed and fasted and hoped that my mum would recover, she eventually left us in early march, after getting very weak and sickly due to the end stages of cancer. I tried my best to care for her and help her with chores for a few months leading to the end of her life. Grieve I did for a short while, yes I miss her but LIFE goes on and with my many commitments as a full time home-maker mum, I am kept too busy to dwell in the negative region. Plus music helps really, I had read up on the deaths of chopin, beethoven, shumann and mozart and felt too the loss to the music world when they passed on.
My mum's death did remind me of my dead grandparents and I am keen to know more about my lineage though that in christ is far more important. Likewise, I do not know how much time I have with rachel but I will wholeheartedly "sow" into our relationship and thank God for her.
I hope she sees in me a mentor, a coach, a friend and lastly a mum. A mum who had a passion for Christ, music (especially playing the violin), cooking, art (drawing and painting), french, gardening, house-keeping and keeping fit. A mum who got her started on violin lessons a day before she turned 3 and is willing to queue for mascot photo-taking sessions. A mum who dotes on her and loves her with exceeding great love complete with plenty of indulgences of toys and ice-creams balanced with much nurturing and coaching activities. A mum who loves and serves the family including the wonderful daddy who is the head of the family.
The next half will be an exciting one!! We are believing God for a new home cum piano studio since our lease is expiring and the landlord has hiked the rental by double. Wherever God had prepared in advance for us, I believe it will be a good and peaceful place, safe for the family, ideal for the studio and dwelling. This next half I know God who is for us, will surely bless us with good health, marital bliss, protection, peace and prosperity.
I want to step up on violin technique, revise my french as I teach rachel, prepare healthier cuisines, strengthen my core muscles and enjoy God's abundant blessings in life. A family holiday would be nice!
Finally, I realised I've nothing I really want to buy except a house, a car and a really good violin. Well, my God who made me and loves me "will provide exceedingly, abundantly, far above all i could ever ask or imagine"
Thank you Lord!
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Violin Notes
Finally i am moving on to Suzuki Vol 2. Its been almost 11 months since I started on this enjoyable musical journey. That puts me on par with a 5 year old girl who after 2 years of vol 1 had progressed to vol 2.
Actually it does not really matter or not, the rate of progress. I've seen some students that skip music exam grades and played rather well for these examination pieces and that's it, they have little passion for music or interest or even ability to play any other pieces.
Then there are parents that adopt a kiasu mentality especially academic wise into music education. For them its Grade 8 at the shortest time possible hence lowest costs. They "forced" their kids to take exams which may not what is ideal for that developing kid and many a times, their efforts backfire and the kid felt too much pressure and call it quits.
Music is a part of life. To us its importance in life cannot be over emphasized. Apart from developing temperament, it also elevates one's appreciation for the finer things in life. Kids and adults that invests musically tend to be more relaxed and focused and disciplined. Usually those that did very well for music tend to be excellent in their academic pursuits as well.
Rachel may be 3 but she is very apt at singing and dancing and remembering musical pieces including classical repertoires. As parents we provide the platform for her to be equipped in a natural way sans the stress, to develp muscially. Growing up in a muscial family, it will be no surprise if she chooses to major in a instrument or voice or become a music teacher like daddy.
Afterall. having the right family environment helps nurture a happy, confident and musical kid.
Actually it does not really matter or not, the rate of progress. I've seen some students that skip music exam grades and played rather well for these examination pieces and that's it, they have little passion for music or interest or even ability to play any other pieces.
Then there are parents that adopt a kiasu mentality especially academic wise into music education. For them its Grade 8 at the shortest time possible hence lowest costs. They "forced" their kids to take exams which may not what is ideal for that developing kid and many a times, their efforts backfire and the kid felt too much pressure and call it quits.
Music is a part of life. To us its importance in life cannot be over emphasized. Apart from developing temperament, it also elevates one's appreciation for the finer things in life. Kids and adults that invests musically tend to be more relaxed and focused and disciplined. Usually those that did very well for music tend to be excellent in their academic pursuits as well.
Rachel may be 3 but she is very apt at singing and dancing and remembering musical pieces including classical repertoires. As parents we provide the platform for her to be equipped in a natural way sans the stress, to develp muscially. Growing up in a muscial family, it will be no surprise if she chooses to major in a instrument or voice or become a music teacher like daddy.
Afterall. having the right family environment helps nurture a happy, confident and musical kid.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Not Again -Moving !!!!
It is with much regret that we will be moving again. our landlady had doubled the rent and it is no longer financially feasible to enjoy our matrimonal studio with its fantastic sea, pool and city views. Now I love mandarin gardens a lot, it is here that we dated, married and had our darling rachel. This is a wonderful place to have a family with its many well landscaped gardens, spacious estate layout and the various playgrounds and swimming pools, good gym etc. I've yet to use the bbq facilities though. And the tennis and basket ball courts, as I prefer to stroll rachel along the beach. It saddens me that there will be no more sunrise and sunset watching from the living room sofa. Sigh, walking to siglap centre area for the eateries will no longer be possible.
Sigh....................
Where we will be moving to is at the moment a huge blur. Even the near by Marine Parade flats are commanding rentals up to $2500. With the current high levels of inflation, it really makes sense to go for the lowest rent even if it means a really tiny flat with zero views. All I ask is a cozy place, safe from loan sharks, away from weird or nasty neighbours and a recent renovated unit with air con and two bedrooms plus utility, 2+1 for short. Ideally I can still walk to the beach and we can convert a room to our piano studio complete with the computer and all the music resources.
Sigh................
Its sad that rachel will be moving out of her comfort zone and all the familar environment. To compensate, I will make the utility room her playground at home with her easel art corner and probably a slide and a tent. Some of her bigger toys need to go along with her push chair and stroller, ex-moses basket and stand which had not been in use.
Sigh............
I hate moving. All the packing and unpacking and settling down. This is my 7th time and my heart cried out to God for mercy. Why cant I live in one place till I die???? Moving is so physically and mentally tiring not to mention emotionally draining as well. All I ask is that rachel will grow up in an ideal, safe environment and I've chosen Mandarin Gardens.
Sigh............
Unfortunately in life, there are hiccups that derail your plans. My mum's medical treatment, chemotheraphy plus some of our debts incurred since marriage and pregnancy warrants a sale and lease back of our beloved matrimonial home. May be this is the most sentimental home ever since it was a nest that we both set up and chose the materials, furniture and fittings to do up this well renovated place. I shall treasure these memories of going through the floor plans and deciding on the renovation, of visiting the factories in Defu land and Sim Siang Choon to choose the tiles and bathroom fittings, yes including the beautiful taps and ergonomic toilet bowl.
Sigh...........
Life goes on. I await God's blessings.
Sigh....................
Where we will be moving to is at the moment a huge blur. Even the near by Marine Parade flats are commanding rentals up to $2500. With the current high levels of inflation, it really makes sense to go for the lowest rent even if it means a really tiny flat with zero views. All I ask is a cozy place, safe from loan sharks, away from weird or nasty neighbours and a recent renovated unit with air con and two bedrooms plus utility, 2+1 for short. Ideally I can still walk to the beach and we can convert a room to our piano studio complete with the computer and all the music resources.
Sigh................
Its sad that rachel will be moving out of her comfort zone and all the familar environment. To compensate, I will make the utility room her playground at home with her easel art corner and probably a slide and a tent. Some of her bigger toys need to go along with her push chair and stroller, ex-moses basket and stand which had not been in use.
Sigh............
I hate moving. All the packing and unpacking and settling down. This is my 7th time and my heart cried out to God for mercy. Why cant I live in one place till I die???? Moving is so physically and mentally tiring not to mention emotionally draining as well. All I ask is that rachel will grow up in an ideal, safe environment and I've chosen Mandarin Gardens.
Sigh............
Unfortunately in life, there are hiccups that derail your plans. My mum's medical treatment, chemotheraphy plus some of our debts incurred since marriage and pregnancy warrants a sale and lease back of our beloved matrimonial home. May be this is the most sentimental home ever since it was a nest that we both set up and chose the materials, furniture and fittings to do up this well renovated place. I shall treasure these memories of going through the floor plans and deciding on the renovation, of visiting the factories in Defu land and Sim Siang Choon to choose the tiles and bathroom fittings, yes including the beautiful taps and ergonomic toilet bowl.
Sigh...........
Life goes on. I await God's blessings.
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Full Circle-Art and Music
For some reasons I was not able to sleep well last night. Reason No 1, rachel was grinding her baby teeth loud and often and I am a light sleeper. Reason No 2, Yan might be swimming in his dreams, he actually propel his feet and move his arms as if he was doing his crawl and the bed shook a little. Earthquake? Nah...its called sleep exercises. No wonder he stays in shape well.
As I stayed awake for the next 1 -2 hours listening to my favourite ipod music, Hilary Hahn playing the Bach concertos, it suddenly dawned on me that I had come full circle where art, music and religion is concerned.
Well, I am the type of kid that was drawn to God in art, music and nature. Even watching the thunderstorm clouds build up and then dissipate as heavy rain fascinate me to this day. That explains why I love staying in my Mandarin Gardens sea view apartment. I like to be close to nature but not so close as to grow trees within the house as a couple did (featured in the papers on Sunday 25 May 2008).
The plants and trees will attract lots of insects and bacteria and as these trees in the house grow they could potentially uproot the house one day. Even minor damages like floor cracking or timber strips getting misaligned will cause tempers to flare and repair costs to escalate. And what about plants withering in the house, not exactly a nice picture to welcome friends and guests unless they are frogs, monkeys, squirrels and snakes.
Anyway, as a child my interests are foremost art and music. I remembered getting a top prize for colouring a alligator in PAP kindergarten and also performing on the K2 graduation concert singing both a chinese and english song. The chinese song was "Xiao Xiao Yang Er Yao Hui Jia" (the little lambs are coming home) along with a sweet rendition of "My bonnie" (often mispronounced as "my body lies over the ocean".....CHOY though i want a sea burial at the end of life's journey.)
Art and music draws me to God, the creator of heaven and earth that both artist and musician glorify in their craft. When I was in Europe, I immersed myself in art museums, especially paintings that depict Christ and angels. Even sacred music like Bach elevates my spirit heavenward, though not all modern rock praise and worship albums can do the same. Some are in my opinion very commercialised, poorly written and just too noisy.
The more I worship God through music, the more I felt the strong heartcry and leaning towards music. I sort of knew I was called to music and had a growing passion for it. But when i do allow myself to share with others, my deepest yearnings, many including my mum, ex-pastors and some friends thought I was nuts. Afterall, I was sacrificing academic and career excellence for the unchartered territority of music in general. "You are too old to learn music.". "Be realistic. Be practical" "you CANNOT make a living doing music" echoes the many so called good advisers.
Coincidently I am now reading Schmann by Eric Frederick Jensen, well in one chapter on the composer's university education, Schmann was described as having a strong dilemma over choosing literature or music as a career. He was good in both and had passion in both. He lingered much undecided while he studied law, which i agree with him was very boring and cold, (i did business and commerical law, yawn....) and practiced much piano and wrote poems and prose. Trouble was his mum and brothers need him to stick to law and help the family financially one day. (sounds all so familiar). In the end, after a series of meetings with some musicians, he decided to choose what was a more elevated path to him, music, much to his mum and brothers disappointment. One brother was so upset he banned all forms of musical instruments in his house, talk about extremist. Ha
When his boyhood piano teacher Johann Gottfried Kuntsch heard from his mum Christiane Schmann on his new career choice, (which included dropping out of law school), he wrote the these words to express support:
When I think of your splendid talent, your ardent love of music which displayed itelf so strongly from your earliest days, your lively imagination, as well as the earnestness, zeal, and tenancity with which you tirelessly pursue your goal...there can be no doubt that with such a splendid union of qualities only the finest results can be expected. In you, the world will number a great artist, and in this Art - to which you dedicate your life---will certainly bring you fame, honour and immortality. This ,honoured friend, is my firm conviction. (Letter of 9 December 1830 in Wolfgang Boetticher)
Wow..I was blown away by the teachers words of encouragement. If I was Schmann himself, I will devote myself to music and not let this dear friend teacher down. I will make him so proud.
Anyway, about my musical longings, well the more I fight it, the more it will come to nag at me, gently then stronger each time the issue was revisited. Its something that I accept that God, my creator had put in my heart in the first place. Like Schmann I deliberated much, though not so much because I was risk adverse but more because I do not want to let my parents down.
I did auditing, insurance sales, banking sales but really though I did well in sales, I was often distracted and disliked much the office environment. Each time I was in between jobs, I would attend this music class or that and secretly wish that the job offer will come later so I can relax and learn music.As a busy executive, with all the projects and deadlines, I had hardly time for proper meals, dates or even the much needed beauty sleep.
"Lead me to learn music, Lord. Give me your support" I remembered praying once while I was still single and suddenly God blessed me with Yan, a worship team buddy turned boyfriend. We married a year later and this master of architecture property executive soon became a professional music educator with a passion to cultivate the joy of music in his students.
Full time motherhood has its perks. Along with Rachel turning 2, I found my instrument, the violin, my voice and friend and started serious lessons within the estate. Even as I start my music journey, I am already rewarded along the way with peace and satisfaction.
In the first half of my life, art and music led me to God and now my Shepherd Lord is leading me, ever-blessing me with a fruitful life journey in music and art.
I've come full circle. Thanks be to God.
As I stayed awake for the next 1 -2 hours listening to my favourite ipod music, Hilary Hahn playing the Bach concertos, it suddenly dawned on me that I had come full circle where art, music and religion is concerned.
Well, I am the type of kid that was drawn to God in art, music and nature. Even watching the thunderstorm clouds build up and then dissipate as heavy rain fascinate me to this day. That explains why I love staying in my Mandarin Gardens sea view apartment. I like to be close to nature but not so close as to grow trees within the house as a couple did (featured in the papers on Sunday 25 May 2008).
The plants and trees will attract lots of insects and bacteria and as these trees in the house grow they could potentially uproot the house one day. Even minor damages like floor cracking or timber strips getting misaligned will cause tempers to flare and repair costs to escalate. And what about plants withering in the house, not exactly a nice picture to welcome friends and guests unless they are frogs, monkeys, squirrels and snakes.
Anyway, as a child my interests are foremost art and music. I remembered getting a top prize for colouring a alligator in PAP kindergarten and also performing on the K2 graduation concert singing both a chinese and english song. The chinese song was "Xiao Xiao Yang Er Yao Hui Jia" (the little lambs are coming home) along with a sweet rendition of "My bonnie" (often mispronounced as "my body lies over the ocean".....CHOY though i want a sea burial at the end of life's journey.)
Art and music draws me to God, the creator of heaven and earth that both artist and musician glorify in their craft. When I was in Europe, I immersed myself in art museums, especially paintings that depict Christ and angels. Even sacred music like Bach elevates my spirit heavenward, though not all modern rock praise and worship albums can do the same. Some are in my opinion very commercialised, poorly written and just too noisy.
The more I worship God through music, the more I felt the strong heartcry and leaning towards music. I sort of knew I was called to music and had a growing passion for it. But when i do allow myself to share with others, my deepest yearnings, many including my mum, ex-pastors and some friends thought I was nuts. Afterall, I was sacrificing academic and career excellence for the unchartered territority of music in general. "You are too old to learn music.". "Be realistic. Be practical" "you CANNOT make a living doing music" echoes the many so called good advisers.
Coincidently I am now reading Schmann by Eric Frederick Jensen, well in one chapter on the composer's university education, Schmann was described as having a strong dilemma over choosing literature or music as a career. He was good in both and had passion in both. He lingered much undecided while he studied law, which i agree with him was very boring and cold, (i did business and commerical law, yawn....) and practiced much piano and wrote poems and prose. Trouble was his mum and brothers need him to stick to law and help the family financially one day. (sounds all so familiar). In the end, after a series of meetings with some musicians, he decided to choose what was a more elevated path to him, music, much to his mum and brothers disappointment. One brother was so upset he banned all forms of musical instruments in his house, talk about extremist. Ha
When his boyhood piano teacher Johann Gottfried Kuntsch heard from his mum Christiane Schmann on his new career choice, (which included dropping out of law school), he wrote the these words to express support:
When I think of your splendid talent, your ardent love of music which displayed itelf so strongly from your earliest days, your lively imagination, as well as the earnestness, zeal, and tenancity with which you tirelessly pursue your goal...there can be no doubt that with such a splendid union of qualities only the finest results can be expected. In you, the world will number a great artist, and in this Art - to which you dedicate your life---will certainly bring you fame, honour and immortality. This ,honoured friend, is my firm conviction. (Letter of 9 December 1830 in Wolfgang Boetticher)
Wow..I was blown away by the teachers words of encouragement. If I was Schmann himself, I will devote myself to music and not let this dear friend teacher down. I will make him so proud.
Anyway, about my musical longings, well the more I fight it, the more it will come to nag at me, gently then stronger each time the issue was revisited. Its something that I accept that God, my creator had put in my heart in the first place. Like Schmann I deliberated much, though not so much because I was risk adverse but more because I do not want to let my parents down.
I did auditing, insurance sales, banking sales but really though I did well in sales, I was often distracted and disliked much the office environment. Each time I was in between jobs, I would attend this music class or that and secretly wish that the job offer will come later so I can relax and learn music.As a busy executive, with all the projects and deadlines, I had hardly time for proper meals, dates or even the much needed beauty sleep.
"Lead me to learn music, Lord. Give me your support" I remembered praying once while I was still single and suddenly God blessed me with Yan, a worship team buddy turned boyfriend. We married a year later and this master of architecture property executive soon became a professional music educator with a passion to cultivate the joy of music in his students.
Full time motherhood has its perks. Along with Rachel turning 2, I found my instrument, the violin, my voice and friend and started serious lessons within the estate. Even as I start my music journey, I am already rewarded along the way with peace and satisfaction.
In the first half of my life, art and music led me to God and now my Shepherd Lord is leading me, ever-blessing me with a fruitful life journey in music and art.
I've come full circle. Thanks be to God.
Saturday, 24 May 2008
Nightmare on mum
I had a nightmare last night. In it, a rather weak mum insisted on driving me. She took control of the steering wheel and drove unsteadily uphill for a long time, sometimes way too slow for the traffic as many cars where whizzing past ours. Suddenly, the vehicle swerved out of control and plunged downslope making a unbelievable u-turn. There was darkness and when I came about, I noticed my mum was dead and I was totally unhurt.
This frightening dream seemed to relate to my mum's illness. She was progressing rather slowly for a long time fighting the cancer battle. Although she was greatly weakened by the various chemotherapy and other treatments, she was fiercely independent to the end. Just like the vehicle in the dream, her illness took a sudden turn for the worse since the beginning of this year 2008. Suddenly, my mum is gone.
Well through out my life, mum was always telling me stories about her childhood, some dating and early family life. It troubled her greatly as she did not know for sure who her real parents were having been adopted by our "maternal grandma". From what I was informed, that grandma had miscarried and her husband died in the same year. My mum was given away to her to comfort her by a doctor's family of many children. However, Kim Po, my mum's foster aunt in law, an elderly in her 80s gave a totally different version altogether. There was no doctor dad in the picture but a "gangsterly" mum who chose to abandon my mum at a young age. So my mum was given the chinese name meaning "grace" and "prosperity"
Although she was adopted into Kim Po's family by default since Kim Po's husband's family was very distantly related to that grandma, God had provided mum well with in a loving family environment with many young "cousins" to play and grow up with. She was also given a good education up to Pre-u level. As a young girl of 9 she started various operations to remove some cysts behind her ear. This congentital problem gave her much pain and stress. Every year the cyst would erupt like a huge pimple and spew forth pus and blood. Before the cysts would burst , there would be weeks of pain and sometimes headache making her highly irritable at times.
Mum had several operations but without success. The latest operation was when I was in my pre teens and I overheard my family discussing that the doctor had removed most of the cysts but one the most critical one was resting on the facial nerve and if they would remove it, facial paralysis would result. Mum decided not to risk it. She cared a lot about maintaining her beauty.
So year after year, she would suffer much inconveniences and after I became a believer, I would prayed much for her healing. Eventually, the eruptions became less frequent. Then came the cancer news. Before that she was in the pink of health.
There was this brief episode of a auntie that came to do facials for her at our place. All I know was she sells RVB products and mum would buy to support her friend who was starting out in the beauty business, it was her best friend at that time though I cannot remember her name. One day she asked mum for a loan $5000 which was a huge sum in those recessionary years in the 80s to help her business. Mum gave and my dad was not happy about it since at that time my grandpa was in and out of the hospital for eventually diabetic amputation of a leg.
Shortly after borrowing money from my mum, this "friend" did not return to provide the facial services. In fact all calls went unanswered and eventually mum told me that this cheat had moved as her flat was sold to someone else. Mum was devastated not at the loss of money but the betrayal of trust. Evidently this RVB sales person had planned ahead and conned her of her housewife savings meant for emergencies. She vehemently forbade me to lend money to any friend in the future. I was to exercise much caution when choosing friends and trusting them. She was very sore about it for a few weeks.
Personally, I hope this person will be "punished" for cheating my mum. Whoever she is, if she is still alive, I pray that one day restituition be done in memory for my mum. Donate that $5000 plus almost 20years of interest to those suffering in Sichuan Earthquake or Myanmar Cyclone and make right this wrong.
This frightening dream seemed to relate to my mum's illness. She was progressing rather slowly for a long time fighting the cancer battle. Although she was greatly weakened by the various chemotherapy and other treatments, she was fiercely independent to the end. Just like the vehicle in the dream, her illness took a sudden turn for the worse since the beginning of this year 2008. Suddenly, my mum is gone.
Well through out my life, mum was always telling me stories about her childhood, some dating and early family life. It troubled her greatly as she did not know for sure who her real parents were having been adopted by our "maternal grandma". From what I was informed, that grandma had miscarried and her husband died in the same year. My mum was given away to her to comfort her by a doctor's family of many children. However, Kim Po, my mum's foster aunt in law, an elderly in her 80s gave a totally different version altogether. There was no doctor dad in the picture but a "gangsterly" mum who chose to abandon my mum at a young age. So my mum was given the chinese name meaning "grace" and "prosperity"
Although she was adopted into Kim Po's family by default since Kim Po's husband's family was very distantly related to that grandma, God had provided mum well with in a loving family environment with many young "cousins" to play and grow up with. She was also given a good education up to Pre-u level. As a young girl of 9 she started various operations to remove some cysts behind her ear. This congentital problem gave her much pain and stress. Every year the cyst would erupt like a huge pimple and spew forth pus and blood. Before the cysts would burst , there would be weeks of pain and sometimes headache making her highly irritable at times.
Mum had several operations but without success. The latest operation was when I was in my pre teens and I overheard my family discussing that the doctor had removed most of the cysts but one the most critical one was resting on the facial nerve and if they would remove it, facial paralysis would result. Mum decided not to risk it. She cared a lot about maintaining her beauty.
So year after year, she would suffer much inconveniences and after I became a believer, I would prayed much for her healing. Eventually, the eruptions became less frequent. Then came the cancer news. Before that she was in the pink of health.
There was this brief episode of a auntie that came to do facials for her at our place. All I know was she sells RVB products and mum would buy to support her friend who was starting out in the beauty business, it was her best friend at that time though I cannot remember her name. One day she asked mum for a loan $5000 which was a huge sum in those recessionary years in the 80s to help her business. Mum gave and my dad was not happy about it since at that time my grandpa was in and out of the hospital for eventually diabetic amputation of a leg.
Shortly after borrowing money from my mum, this "friend" did not return to provide the facial services. In fact all calls went unanswered and eventually mum told me that this cheat had moved as her flat was sold to someone else. Mum was devastated not at the loss of money but the betrayal of trust. Evidently this RVB sales person had planned ahead and conned her of her housewife savings meant for emergencies. She vehemently forbade me to lend money to any friend in the future. I was to exercise much caution when choosing friends and trusting them. She was very sore about it for a few weeks.
Personally, I hope this person will be "punished" for cheating my mum. Whoever she is, if she is still alive, I pray that one day restituition be done in memory for my mum. Donate that $5000 plus almost 20years of interest to those suffering in Sichuan Earthquake or Myanmar Cyclone and make right this wrong.
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Mall Schooling
I must admit that I personally do not favour the term "home-schooling" since it conjures images of a child being confined at home studying. Personally I prefer the term "alternative education".
My beloved princess is being "schooled" both at home and in the malls, where I can breathe easier. Though she takes after the dad and seems to be more comfortable at home where her toys, videos and entire library are, she is alright with learning in Delifrance or any other air-conditioned cafe that mummy needs to have that caffeine fix.
Today, at Parkway delifrance, we did Critical Thinking for toddlers, a nursery level activity book. It is really so exciting to see your little child learn sequencing, matching and comparing and puzzles in addition to the usual colouring. Apart from Mandarin which we adopt a more laid back attitude, Rachel is progressing very fast academically and muscially.
Musically, she understands adagio, andante, moderato, allegro and presto, the various italian terms for tempo. Recently she added cresendo, diminuendo, fortissimo and pianissimo to her musical vocab. I love it when she recognises and sings in tune the various Mozart and Beethoven pieces. Her favourities are Vivaldi the Four Seasons -Spring, Allegro and the summer Presto. Violin wise, she is still getting acquainted with the instrument and together with the teacher, we adopt a very long term nurturing approach.
Since we are raising a music lover in a musical family, we definitely prefer the non-mainstream approach to educate our kid. The current compulsory system in Singapore is very left brained and exam result focused. It is ideal for mass producing degree holder knowledge workers in my opinion. In fact the vast majority of graduates end up as executives and managers for the rest of their lives rather than you know, artistes, business owners or entrepreneurs.
It troubles me to see the scores of children going for tuition classes both during the school term as well as the long holiday breaks. Many kids these days have so much academic stress and they do not seem to appreciate music and life as much. I was one of such "pressure cooker" child who had tuition aplenty to turn any Bs to As. So what with academic excellence? I had a gold award for ten distinctions in O levels, the awards were long tarnished and trashed. As a kid, I love to learn but I HATE exams and had butterflies in my stomach all the way to university. In fact, the stress level was so high that to this day, occasionally, I still had vivid nightmares of not making the grade in my university exams. In those days, one had to sit for sub paper if one failed and if we fail again at the sub paper level, its a premature goodbye to varsity life. Thank God for the modular system that my siblings were entitled to. I believe it does make the entire learning and striving for academic excellence process much more tolerable.
Personally, I have a Bachelor of Accountancy and Yan a Masters in Architecture. Between us we have 3 degrees and while we are more learned in areas of finance and architecture respectively, we are also able to courageously follow our musical passions, that of violin playing and teaching respectively.
My beloved princess is being "schooled" both at home and in the malls, where I can breathe easier. Though she takes after the dad and seems to be more comfortable at home where her toys, videos and entire library are, she is alright with learning in Delifrance or any other air-conditioned cafe that mummy needs to have that caffeine fix.
Today, at Parkway delifrance, we did Critical Thinking for toddlers, a nursery level activity book. It is really so exciting to see your little child learn sequencing, matching and comparing and puzzles in addition to the usual colouring. Apart from Mandarin which we adopt a more laid back attitude, Rachel is progressing very fast academically and muscially.
Musically, she understands adagio, andante, moderato, allegro and presto, the various italian terms for tempo. Recently she added cresendo, diminuendo, fortissimo and pianissimo to her musical vocab. I love it when she recognises and sings in tune the various Mozart and Beethoven pieces. Her favourities are Vivaldi the Four Seasons -Spring, Allegro and the summer Presto. Violin wise, she is still getting acquainted with the instrument and together with the teacher, we adopt a very long term nurturing approach.
Since we are raising a music lover in a musical family, we definitely prefer the non-mainstream approach to educate our kid. The current compulsory system in Singapore is very left brained and exam result focused. It is ideal for mass producing degree holder knowledge workers in my opinion. In fact the vast majority of graduates end up as executives and managers for the rest of their lives rather than you know, artistes, business owners or entrepreneurs.
It troubles me to see the scores of children going for tuition classes both during the school term as well as the long holiday breaks. Many kids these days have so much academic stress and they do not seem to appreciate music and life as much. I was one of such "pressure cooker" child who had tuition aplenty to turn any Bs to As. So what with academic excellence? I had a gold award for ten distinctions in O levels, the awards were long tarnished and trashed. As a kid, I love to learn but I HATE exams and had butterflies in my stomach all the way to university. In fact, the stress level was so high that to this day, occasionally, I still had vivid nightmares of not making the grade in my university exams. In those days, one had to sit for sub paper if one failed and if we fail again at the sub paper level, its a premature goodbye to varsity life. Thank God for the modular system that my siblings were entitled to. I believe it does make the entire learning and striving for academic excellence process much more tolerable.
Personally, I have a Bachelor of Accountancy and Yan a Masters in Architecture. Between us we have 3 degrees and while we are more learned in areas of finance and architecture respectively, we are also able to courageously follow our musical passions, that of violin playing and teaching respectively.
Friday, 16 May 2008
Violin Thoughts
Just bought tickets to the Beauty of Beethoven concert this coming May 30. The popular face of Chanel's Allure perfume, an ex child virtuoso, Leila Josefowicz will be playing the Beethoven Violin Concerto in D Major Op 61 one of my favourites.
Now this is also the one violin concerto that Yan bought the G.Henle Verlag scores for me even BEFORE i started serious violin lessons. My beloved husband is a man of faith indeed. A super patient guy that adopts a very long term perspective in life.
I am so looking forward to the concert even though I am to enjoy it alone. Yan will be caring for Rachel in the vicinity, perhaps the near by cinemas. I love concerts. I can't wait for Rachel to turn 6 so the whole family may enjoy concerts altogether.
Concerning my violin lessons, I believe I am progressing well. I am training myself to make the violin sound as legato as possible especially the slurs and string crossings. As with many beginners, I need to practice SLOWLY and not rush things. Personally, I enjoy making the violin "sing" and am sure I will do well in what has become my favourite instrument.
I love playing the violin. I am cultivating my listening, I want to play the way that people like to listen to me play. Sounds egoistic, but I mean, I want to play well and enjoy making good music that people would find joy and satisfaction as they listened to it.
Yan "challenges" me with the Monti's Czardas, a Grade 8 exam piece till 2011. Well, I have 3 years so to speak....haha. But personally, I don't want my violin teacher Amy to faint or feel tremenduous stress. Afterall, I had yet to "perfect" the song no 10. Allegretto (Suzuki Vol 1) which happens to be in the Grade 1 exam list A, this year.
Whether or not I am taking exams, music has become a part of my life's journey. With good quality practices and mature listening skills, I know I will progress far enough to contribute. The violin is, afterall, the instrument that is going to accompany me for life. I am indeed greatly blest.
Now this is also the one violin concerto that Yan bought the G.Henle Verlag scores for me even BEFORE i started serious violin lessons. My beloved husband is a man of faith indeed. A super patient guy that adopts a very long term perspective in life.
I am so looking forward to the concert even though I am to enjoy it alone. Yan will be caring for Rachel in the vicinity, perhaps the near by cinemas. I love concerts. I can't wait for Rachel to turn 6 so the whole family may enjoy concerts altogether.
Concerning my violin lessons, I believe I am progressing well. I am training myself to make the violin sound as legato as possible especially the slurs and string crossings. As with many beginners, I need to practice SLOWLY and not rush things. Personally, I enjoy making the violin "sing" and am sure I will do well in what has become my favourite instrument.
I love playing the violin. I am cultivating my listening, I want to play the way that people like to listen to me play. Sounds egoistic, but I mean, I want to play well and enjoy making good music that people would find joy and satisfaction as they listened to it.
Yan "challenges" me with the Monti's Czardas, a Grade 8 exam piece till 2011. Well, I have 3 years so to speak....haha. But personally, I don't want my violin teacher Amy to faint or feel tremenduous stress. Afterall, I had yet to "perfect" the song no 10. Allegretto (Suzuki Vol 1) which happens to be in the Grade 1 exam list A, this year.
Whether or not I am taking exams, music has become a part of my life's journey. With good quality practices and mature listening skills, I know I will progress far enough to contribute. The violin is, afterall, the instrument that is going to accompany me for life. I am indeed greatly blest.
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Remembering Mum on Mother's Day
Today is mother's day in Singapore. Normally my entire extended family, grandchildren included would gather for a feast. My mum loved it each time everyone gathered for the special occasion. She liked to receive the many gifts and red packets as well.
Unfortunately, last year's Mother's day was her last. Mum died shortly after a fall and also to colon cancer which she had fought hard for almost 4 years. She was 60 and a month short of what was to be her 61st birthday.
Last Christmas, even though none of us had the mood to celebrate the new year and Rachel's 3rd birthday, I did organised her last family party to lift her spirits. Physically, she had lost weight. The cancer had damaged her taste buds, taken away her appetite and made rather irritable as well. Usually a very positive fighter, she became negative about life. Afterall she can see and feel her once overweight and robust body was getting weaker by day. What kept her going was probably her love for dad, her children and her 5 grandchildren. At the party she complained much of upper body ache. My mother had a high pain threshold, so when she said pain it must really hurt much. She ate little but was happy with the many noisy grandchildren around her.
Soon the ever busy and joyous Chinese New Year (CNY) season came. Usually mum would be super excited about spring cleaning the house and all the festive buys. This time, she had no mood. I remembered her last shopping trip with my sister at Parkway Parade. It pained us to see her pant much and walked with difficulty as she lamented over "nothing to buy". We had Jack's place for lunch and mum hardly ate save for some coffee.
This Year of the Rat was particularly stressful for the entire family. Mum was in and out of the hospital for the various treatments and apart from weight loss she also started to lose hair. It's very horrifying to see chunks of hair fall off when she comb or wash her hair. There was a lot of hair on her shirt, on the sofa, on the bed, on the pillow and on the floor. I would swept the floor several times a day. In addition, I accompanied her to some treatments (always with Rachel) and felt helpless when her body reacted adversely with high fever and much violent shaking.
Now this CNY was also my sister's 32nd birthday. Although mum hardly ate during the reunion dinner, we were glad she made it through both the CNY and my sister's birthday. We were really worried as her pain escalated much and was on morphine patches. Her body became very frail looking and she weighed much less at 49kg. Normally she was 60kg. Even her beloved doctor became anxious and insisted seeing her soon after the CNY. She would threw up much or develop a sudden fever and we were told that she was fighting a losing battle. Sigh.
During the CNY period several well meaning relatives visited her but that made her more exhausted and negative about life. A cousin tried to convert her but really, though i hope for the best and prayed much myself, knowing my mum, how stubbornly anti-christ she was, all these "last minute efforts" probably made her more depressed and "offended". Yet another relative pulled me aside and told me to prepare for the worse since she had lost almost all hair and was hardly eating. I was irked by their insensitivity but chose to focus on the positive and on GOD.
I think mum thought she would be going soon. Late last year she prepared Yan's favourite Pig Trotters and my favourite Ngoh Hiang when she could still cook. Then on my sister's birthday, she struggled to prepare the traditional birthday meal despite all the pain and being told not to. In the end, I prepared it, the Dark Sauced Pig Trotter's with my mum issuing very impatient instructions and at the same time she was groaning with much pain, sitting in the kitchen despite maximium morphine patches. This happened to be the one dish that I wanted her to teach me since Yan love to eat it. Mum also struggled to eat my sister's Swenson's Ice cream cake that I hurried Yan to buy. Miraculously she ate her portion though she had no appetite for any porridge or milo or pandan cake.
On 25th February 2008, I was supporting her as she leaned precariously from the carpark to the clinic. At the same time, I was holding on to my super active 3 year old. What a contrast!!!!
. Looking at my off colour mum resting on the arm chair in the clinic, I noticed her breathing was kind of irregular. As Rachel busied herself with the tv, I had this eerie feeling that she may not last long and prayed much for God's mercy. That turned out to be her last consultation. One month was how long the doctor thought she could last since the cancer had spread and burst her liver membrane giving he maximum pain.
Back at home, both dad and ron went to the temple to reserve the niche. They were preparing for the worse though both Ron and I cried much, dad was in a take charge mode and even asked mum about her insurance and investment matters. When I went to check on mum, she had just stepped out of shower, starked naked and trembling much at her knees. I helped her with the clothes and asked her why she did not asked me to help her when she wanted to take a bath. She did not want to burden anyone.The entire day, she did not eat anything but slept much.
Now I had been travelling to Sengkang daily to help her with the chores and to care for her. It was very tough especially when Rachel was with me too. On this particular day I had stress induced diarrhea and period cramps. In the afternoon, despite not eating or drinking much, mum super vomit 3x green coloured puke totalling more than 1.5l. Where did that came from? I was so worried. She continued to sleep all the time.
I was cooking porridge when I had this fleeting thought. "this is the last time I am cooking porridge for mother". I brushed off the negative thought as I was also feeling rather sick and tired myself.
Together with the cousins, Cheryl,7 and Rachel, 3 we watered the plants and fed fishes before settling for a game of Snake and Ladder as we waited for dinner. I've checked on my mum often and even left her alone to fetch Cheryl from the school bus with rachel. Each time mum would say she do not want to eat or drink anything and went back to sleep.
Around 820pm, shortly after a call from my dad about his frustration with my Pyscho Auntie, while we continued the game, suddenly I heard a loud thud and the living room reverberated. Shit!!! Ah ma!!! I dashed into the room only to be shocked by a pool of blood from my mum's head. She had fell. I was panicking since I am a bit haemophobic and screaming to Cheryl for my phone and home phone to call the ambulance. There was so much blood. The sight of it horrified me and I kept speaking to mum, part praying in tongues so she did not lose consciousness. I sat her up and covered her wound with a towel that was very quickly drenched with blood and my hand GOD!!!! was so bloodly, I even tissued wiped away the blood pool on the floor with the other hand. The sight was so haunting. Mum was not feeling any pain since she was on morphine and even told me off, saying its a small matter no need to call ambulance.
At that crucial moment, my handphone failed. I tried hard but cannot remember any of my siblings contact numbers and called yan to inform my sister Jac who was on the way back with our dinner. All the while I was shaking in fear and stress-praying and crying and worried sick about the 2 young kids in the house and of course my dear mother. I asked cheryl to watched over rachel in the living room, not wanting the sight to traumatise them while I waited an eternity for the ambulance.
My sister arrived with the food and was shocked by the sight of my mum with the blood drenched towel against her head. She had not yet know what had happened as she was too busy to answer the phone. Shortly Yan arrived to help care the kids. Then about 15 minutes later SCDF ambulance arrived and sent mum with Jac to Changi Hospital. We waited for Ron to fetch us, kids and dinner to the A&E. The entire incident left me so badly traumatised that I was hyper ventilating and crying non stop for a long time in Ron's MPV.
It was another eternity at the A&E Changi hospital waiting to see if mum was alright. Though we brought the Tori Q dinner along, none of us, including the kids had any appetite. Cheryl's dad, Leslie was in reservist and her mum was still working. I was calling, smsing and tearing all the time. My spirits were so low, my body so tired and my emotions so haywired I saw a ghostly reflection on the water in the fish filled lobby near 7 eleven. It was very late at night and the hospital was closed to visitors. The image of a plump middle aged Indonesian Chinese woman with small beady eyes and high forehead was looking very sad, like someone had died. It was so vivid I could sketch it out. Yan thought my eyes were playing tricks since it was probably interplay of water and lighting. Except the "interplay" also brought about sudden chills and goosebumps.
Come to think of it, earlier on when I was waiting at the playground, I saw an old lady in her 70s with a packet of porridge looking up my mum's flat and walking towards the block. i find her strangely familiar and remembered only at the hospital, she was a long deceased old Aunt.
All these "seeing" "hearing" even "sensing" in the spirit since I was a child no longer bother me much since I understood that most christians especially those involved in worship can be more spiritually sensitive. For example getting tension headaches before I even notice a temple a few blocks away, even if i am travelling in a bus.
Thankfully the fall was not serious. Though more detailed scans could be done. It got her into hospital and we subsequently transfered her to Gleneagles for better care and follow up. After a few days stay, her condition deteriorated much and she died exactly a week from the fall in Gleneagles Hospital.
That turbulent one week both at Changi and Gleneagles was very disturbing. My family did gather often in the wee hours of the night whenever she showed ''signs" that she may be going. One such "sign" was when she told Ron "someone was reading behind her hospital bed". Another was irregular blood pressure. When I first met Ron and Jac at Changi in the wee hours of the night, the ward was cold and we had goosebumps. Mum was sleeping much and I was quite fearful and checking her much. At Gleneagles she was given quality care, 3 huge bags of "soya bean milk looking nutrients "and various drips plus oxygen.
Though she was conscious, her body posture was changing as water was gathering in and outside her lungs. Her breathing became more laboured and she was on maximum oxygen with mask eventually she was gasping for air.
Her doctor had gone on scheduled holiday and his colleague recommended a simple procedure to drain off the excess fluids so she would breathe better. But the procedure was cancelled last minute when her heart beat became very irregular. Mum asked about time often and told Ron "there were 2 persons standing beside her behind her hospital bed". We all knew the time was near and started accompanying her throughout the day and night.
It seems when a person is dying they would "connect" with the other world. My grandpa, the night before he died told of two children, a boy and a girl playing under the table. He kept scolding us for keeping the kids so long that it was late and we should bring them home, except there was NOTHING under my usual study desk. My grandma was trembling with much fear as she told me Monkey God was firing arrows at her and somersaulting all over the same bedroom that my grandpa died several years earlier. She died the next day.
So each time my mum seemed not making it, we gathered at her bedside, grandchildren and all and cried much holding on to her. She had not slept for 3 days. She just kept asking for time and absent family members. There were a couple of visits by really close relatives mainly the other set of grandparents. I cannot describe the stress we feel each time the DISTRESS button was activated and we all dashed to the hospital hoping to make it in time.
One night my sister and I were on the night shift in her room while dad was at the lounge area sleeping. I was trying hard to stay awake listening to Anne Sophie Mutter's Mozart concertos while my sister was sleeping when suddenly a very cold presence moved into the room.
Almost immediately mum breathed with much difficulty and I quickly intercede in tongues, beside her .I woke my sister and gathered my dad to the room. We were all shivering. The room was exceedingly cold it was around 3-4am and mum pulled through the night. As it was really late we did not activate the rest of the family till the next morning.
The next night, mum suddenly asked me and sister if we had "prepared the photo". She gave instructions on the "purple dress" and talked about the insurance money. Both my sister and I cried much but she did not yet go. It was not time yet.
After several "rehearsals" including playing her favourite Teresa Teng songs on the computer, she was still gasping for air with the oxygen mask. Everyone was getting very emotionally and physically tired. She could not bear to leave us. Despite much praying, she was not getting better, a gentle voice that I knew to be the Holy Spirit's said "she will die." much to my disappointment. I was completely stressed out caring for rachel, doing chores and the "night shifts" of accompanying my mum.
Finally on Sunday night, shortly after I went home to care for rachel and recharge before my "night shift duty", I received the final DISTRESS sms. Moments before that sms, when I was half conscious nursing rachel on the sofa, I heard an EXTERNAL male voice saying "Cheryl". It was not the voice of her dad. I blurted out "Who's that" to the surprise of Yan who was working on the computer. (That voice that woke me up turned out to be that of the Taoist priest who when conducting the rites revealed that he had a girl named Cheryl) WHY SO SPOOKY?
Our entire family dashed down in the cab once again and I felt that this time its for real and I advised that yan and rachel camp out in the main lobby instead.
Mum was breathing very weakly. Her heartbeat was very irregular ranging to 60s to 120s. Occasionally it was low 50s while her favourite Teresa Teng music was playing through the laptop. Certain songs that she liked, her heartbeat would stabilise. We tried hard not to cry any more and even asked her not to worry, to go in peace, everything and everyone will be well taken care off. Earlier that day, after a massive dry run, when all the grandchild had gathered in the ward, her neighbouring patient was discharged so we now had the room to ourselves. That poor lady heard much as the family gathered often at mum's bed. The TV was on throughout with trailers for the Lydia Sum memorial showing up often. Lydia was one of my mum's favourite comedian. She died a month or so earlier due to pancreatic cancer.
Mum's last moments were peaceful. The family had ran out of tears and both her heartbeat and breathing were slowing down. Her eyes had been closed for a long time as she was briefly in a coma? Her jaw was dropping and saliva which we had been wiping off often was gathering in the mask. Soon the nurses could not pump any more morphine into her vein and her facial features looked different. Her skinny limps started swelling and she looked better as water retention happened. Then the heart beat monitor failed to register and her organs started failing. We watched her breathe her last holding her hands and feet. At 0029am 03 March 2008, she was certified DEAD.
Unfortunately, last year's Mother's day was her last. Mum died shortly after a fall and also to colon cancer which she had fought hard for almost 4 years. She was 60 and a month short of what was to be her 61st birthday.
Last Christmas, even though none of us had the mood to celebrate the new year and Rachel's 3rd birthday, I did organised her last family party to lift her spirits. Physically, she had lost weight. The cancer had damaged her taste buds, taken away her appetite and made rather irritable as well. Usually a very positive fighter, she became negative about life. Afterall she can see and feel her once overweight and robust body was getting weaker by day. What kept her going was probably her love for dad, her children and her 5 grandchildren. At the party she complained much of upper body ache. My mother had a high pain threshold, so when she said pain it must really hurt much. She ate little but was happy with the many noisy grandchildren around her.
Soon the ever busy and joyous Chinese New Year (CNY) season came. Usually mum would be super excited about spring cleaning the house and all the festive buys. This time, she had no mood. I remembered her last shopping trip with my sister at Parkway Parade. It pained us to see her pant much and walked with difficulty as she lamented over "nothing to buy". We had Jack's place for lunch and mum hardly ate save for some coffee.
This Year of the Rat was particularly stressful for the entire family. Mum was in and out of the hospital for the various treatments and apart from weight loss she also started to lose hair. It's very horrifying to see chunks of hair fall off when she comb or wash her hair. There was a lot of hair on her shirt, on the sofa, on the bed, on the pillow and on the floor. I would swept the floor several times a day. In addition, I accompanied her to some treatments (always with Rachel) and felt helpless when her body reacted adversely with high fever and much violent shaking.
Now this CNY was also my sister's 32nd birthday. Although mum hardly ate during the reunion dinner, we were glad she made it through both the CNY and my sister's birthday. We were really worried as her pain escalated much and was on morphine patches. Her body became very frail looking and she weighed much less at 49kg. Normally she was 60kg. Even her beloved doctor became anxious and insisted seeing her soon after the CNY. She would threw up much or develop a sudden fever and we were told that she was fighting a losing battle. Sigh.
During the CNY period several well meaning relatives visited her but that made her more exhausted and negative about life. A cousin tried to convert her but really, though i hope for the best and prayed much myself, knowing my mum, how stubbornly anti-christ she was, all these "last minute efforts" probably made her more depressed and "offended". Yet another relative pulled me aside and told me to prepare for the worse since she had lost almost all hair and was hardly eating. I was irked by their insensitivity but chose to focus on the positive and on GOD.
I think mum thought she would be going soon. Late last year she prepared Yan's favourite Pig Trotters and my favourite Ngoh Hiang when she could still cook. Then on my sister's birthday, she struggled to prepare the traditional birthday meal despite all the pain and being told not to. In the end, I prepared it, the Dark Sauced Pig Trotter's with my mum issuing very impatient instructions and at the same time she was groaning with much pain, sitting in the kitchen despite maximium morphine patches. This happened to be the one dish that I wanted her to teach me since Yan love to eat it. Mum also struggled to eat my sister's Swenson's Ice cream cake that I hurried Yan to buy. Miraculously she ate her portion though she had no appetite for any porridge or milo or pandan cake.
On 25th February 2008, I was supporting her as she leaned precariously from the carpark to the clinic. At the same time, I was holding on to my super active 3 year old. What a contrast!!!!
. Looking at my off colour mum resting on the arm chair in the clinic, I noticed her breathing was kind of irregular. As Rachel busied herself with the tv, I had this eerie feeling that she may not last long and prayed much for God's mercy. That turned out to be her last consultation. One month was how long the doctor thought she could last since the cancer had spread and burst her liver membrane giving he maximum pain.
Back at home, both dad and ron went to the temple to reserve the niche. They were preparing for the worse though both Ron and I cried much, dad was in a take charge mode and even asked mum about her insurance and investment matters. When I went to check on mum, she had just stepped out of shower, starked naked and trembling much at her knees. I helped her with the clothes and asked her why she did not asked me to help her when she wanted to take a bath. She did not want to burden anyone.The entire day, she did not eat anything but slept much.
Now I had been travelling to Sengkang daily to help her with the chores and to care for her. It was very tough especially when Rachel was with me too. On this particular day I had stress induced diarrhea and period cramps. In the afternoon, despite not eating or drinking much, mum super vomit 3x green coloured puke totalling more than 1.5l. Where did that came from? I was so worried. She continued to sleep all the time.
I was cooking porridge when I had this fleeting thought. "this is the last time I am cooking porridge for mother". I brushed off the negative thought as I was also feeling rather sick and tired myself.
Together with the cousins, Cheryl,7 and Rachel, 3 we watered the plants and fed fishes before settling for a game of Snake and Ladder as we waited for dinner. I've checked on my mum often and even left her alone to fetch Cheryl from the school bus with rachel. Each time mum would say she do not want to eat or drink anything and went back to sleep.
Around 820pm, shortly after a call from my dad about his frustration with my Pyscho Auntie, while we continued the game, suddenly I heard a loud thud and the living room reverberated. Shit!!! Ah ma!!! I dashed into the room only to be shocked by a pool of blood from my mum's head. She had fell. I was panicking since I am a bit haemophobic and screaming to Cheryl for my phone and home phone to call the ambulance. There was so much blood. The sight of it horrified me and I kept speaking to mum, part praying in tongues so she did not lose consciousness. I sat her up and covered her wound with a towel that was very quickly drenched with blood and my hand GOD!!!! was so bloodly, I even tissued wiped away the blood pool on the floor with the other hand. The sight was so haunting. Mum was not feeling any pain since she was on morphine and even told me off, saying its a small matter no need to call ambulance.
At that crucial moment, my handphone failed. I tried hard but cannot remember any of my siblings contact numbers and called yan to inform my sister Jac who was on the way back with our dinner. All the while I was shaking in fear and stress-praying and crying and worried sick about the 2 young kids in the house and of course my dear mother. I asked cheryl to watched over rachel in the living room, not wanting the sight to traumatise them while I waited an eternity for the ambulance.
My sister arrived with the food and was shocked by the sight of my mum with the blood drenched towel against her head. She had not yet know what had happened as she was too busy to answer the phone. Shortly Yan arrived to help care the kids. Then about 15 minutes later SCDF ambulance arrived and sent mum with Jac to Changi Hospital. We waited for Ron to fetch us, kids and dinner to the A&E. The entire incident left me so badly traumatised that I was hyper ventilating and crying non stop for a long time in Ron's MPV.
It was another eternity at the A&E Changi hospital waiting to see if mum was alright. Though we brought the Tori Q dinner along, none of us, including the kids had any appetite. Cheryl's dad, Leslie was in reservist and her mum was still working. I was calling, smsing and tearing all the time. My spirits were so low, my body so tired and my emotions so haywired I saw a ghostly reflection on the water in the fish filled lobby near 7 eleven. It was very late at night and the hospital was closed to visitors. The image of a plump middle aged Indonesian Chinese woman with small beady eyes and high forehead was looking very sad, like someone had died. It was so vivid I could sketch it out. Yan thought my eyes were playing tricks since it was probably interplay of water and lighting. Except the "interplay" also brought about sudden chills and goosebumps.
Come to think of it, earlier on when I was waiting at the playground, I saw an old lady in her 70s with a packet of porridge looking up my mum's flat and walking towards the block. i find her strangely familiar and remembered only at the hospital, she was a long deceased old Aunt.
All these "seeing" "hearing" even "sensing" in the spirit since I was a child no longer bother me much since I understood that most christians especially those involved in worship can be more spiritually sensitive. For example getting tension headaches before I even notice a temple a few blocks away, even if i am travelling in a bus.
Thankfully the fall was not serious. Though more detailed scans could be done. It got her into hospital and we subsequently transfered her to Gleneagles for better care and follow up. After a few days stay, her condition deteriorated much and she died exactly a week from the fall in Gleneagles Hospital.
That turbulent one week both at Changi and Gleneagles was very disturbing. My family did gather often in the wee hours of the night whenever she showed ''signs" that she may be going. One such "sign" was when she told Ron "someone was reading behind her hospital bed". Another was irregular blood pressure. When I first met Ron and Jac at Changi in the wee hours of the night, the ward was cold and we had goosebumps. Mum was sleeping much and I was quite fearful and checking her much. At Gleneagles she was given quality care, 3 huge bags of "soya bean milk looking nutrients "and various drips plus oxygen.
Though she was conscious, her body posture was changing as water was gathering in and outside her lungs. Her breathing became more laboured and she was on maximum oxygen with mask eventually she was gasping for air.
Her doctor had gone on scheduled holiday and his colleague recommended a simple procedure to drain off the excess fluids so she would breathe better. But the procedure was cancelled last minute when her heart beat became very irregular. Mum asked about time often and told Ron "there were 2 persons standing beside her behind her hospital bed". We all knew the time was near and started accompanying her throughout the day and night.
It seems when a person is dying they would "connect" with the other world. My grandpa, the night before he died told of two children, a boy and a girl playing under the table. He kept scolding us for keeping the kids so long that it was late and we should bring them home, except there was NOTHING under my usual study desk. My grandma was trembling with much fear as she told me Monkey God was firing arrows at her and somersaulting all over the same bedroom that my grandpa died several years earlier. She died the next day.
So each time my mum seemed not making it, we gathered at her bedside, grandchildren and all and cried much holding on to her. She had not slept for 3 days. She just kept asking for time and absent family members. There were a couple of visits by really close relatives mainly the other set of grandparents. I cannot describe the stress we feel each time the DISTRESS button was activated and we all dashed to the hospital hoping to make it in time.
One night my sister and I were on the night shift in her room while dad was at the lounge area sleeping. I was trying hard to stay awake listening to Anne Sophie Mutter's Mozart concertos while my sister was sleeping when suddenly a very cold presence moved into the room.
Almost immediately mum breathed with much difficulty and I quickly intercede in tongues, beside her .I woke my sister and gathered my dad to the room. We were all shivering. The room was exceedingly cold it was around 3-4am and mum pulled through the night. As it was really late we did not activate the rest of the family till the next morning.
The next night, mum suddenly asked me and sister if we had "prepared the photo". She gave instructions on the "purple dress" and talked about the insurance money. Both my sister and I cried much but she did not yet go. It was not time yet.
After several "rehearsals" including playing her favourite Teresa Teng songs on the computer, she was still gasping for air with the oxygen mask. Everyone was getting very emotionally and physically tired. She could not bear to leave us. Despite much praying, she was not getting better, a gentle voice that I knew to be the Holy Spirit's said "she will die." much to my disappointment. I was completely stressed out caring for rachel, doing chores and the "night shifts" of accompanying my mum.
Finally on Sunday night, shortly after I went home to care for rachel and recharge before my "night shift duty", I received the final DISTRESS sms. Moments before that sms, when I was half conscious nursing rachel on the sofa, I heard an EXTERNAL male voice saying "Cheryl". It was not the voice of her dad. I blurted out "Who's that" to the surprise of Yan who was working on the computer. (That voice that woke me up turned out to be that of the Taoist priest who when conducting the rites revealed that he had a girl named Cheryl) WHY SO SPOOKY?
Our entire family dashed down in the cab once again and I felt that this time its for real and I advised that yan and rachel camp out in the main lobby instead.
Mum was breathing very weakly. Her heartbeat was very irregular ranging to 60s to 120s. Occasionally it was low 50s while her favourite Teresa Teng music was playing through the laptop. Certain songs that she liked, her heartbeat would stabilise. We tried hard not to cry any more and even asked her not to worry, to go in peace, everything and everyone will be well taken care off. Earlier that day, after a massive dry run, when all the grandchild had gathered in the ward, her neighbouring patient was discharged so we now had the room to ourselves. That poor lady heard much as the family gathered often at mum's bed. The TV was on throughout with trailers for the Lydia Sum memorial showing up often. Lydia was one of my mum's favourite comedian. She died a month or so earlier due to pancreatic cancer.
Mum's last moments were peaceful. The family had ran out of tears and both her heartbeat and breathing were slowing down. Her eyes had been closed for a long time as she was briefly in a coma? Her jaw was dropping and saliva which we had been wiping off often was gathering in the mask. Soon the nurses could not pump any more morphine into her vein and her facial features looked different. Her skinny limps started swelling and she looked better as water retention happened. Then the heart beat monitor failed to register and her organs started failing. We watched her breathe her last holding her hands and feet. At 0029am 03 March 2008, she was certified DEAD.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Violin Restoration
I was told by my violin teacher that my violin which is less than a year old needs repair. Apparently, the fingerboard or the neck had "dropped" much and the distance between the wood and the strings became more pronounced. Another problem was the sound post which needed to be adjusted for a more mellow sound. Somehow, the "voice" became more screechy.
Immediately after my weekly lesson I hurried my violin with my child to the violin shop in Katong. Its akin to rushing a sick child to see a doctor. I was quoted $150 for the above repair work yet I needed to wait some one month for the spare parts to arrive. My bow too had a slight crack around the eye due to misuse. No I DID NOT hit Rachel with it. I probably wind it up too tight as an overly enthusiastic beginner in the past.
Some time last Christmas, my violin idol, David Garrett slipped and landed on his 1772 GB Guadagnini worth a cool US$1 million after a performance in London. Although he landed on his violin case, the violin was quite severely damaged with cracks running from the "f hole". At this moment, this precious baby was being repaired in New York, a restoration process that would take several months with a estimated bill size of US$100,000. I prayed it will be miraculously restored, sound included.
You know, I feel for him, his pain from the accidental loss of a good "friend". After all the violin was with him since 2003 and had been used from composing to concert performances. This is an instrument that he worked hard and saved up for. He modelled briefly for Vogue and Armani while being coached by the legendary Itzhak Perlman in the Juilliard School, New York. He MODELS, yes no wonder I find him SOOOOOO familiar since I often drool over Armani models in the past. My favourite model was Marcus Schenkenberg of the legendary Calvin Klein Jeans shower ad. Thank God for creating these male beauties, so perfect in physique, David, whose German dad is a lawyer cum an antique violin dealer and whose mum is a american ballerina, is 1.88m while the now much older but still highly marketable Marcus was more than 1.9m.
And there was I, a bubbly teenager, I WANTED to model badly and for all things lingerie. After all, what i lacked in height,God compensated with a sexy hour glass figure. I'm a mere 1.57m, blame it on my parents who refused to let me drink milk after 10 years old, "Milk are for babies" I remembered my mum scolding me for wanting to buy the pyramid packet Marigold? chocolate milk in the 1980s. Singapore was struggling with recession then.
When David Garrett was born in Aachen Germany in 1980, I was already in primary one, what a MILESTONE locally. Genes played a part too, both my parents are short and I became the most vertically challenged among my siblings. Shortest but not the dumbest, may be my brain was too heavy, Hahahah
If not for my traditional parents and the conservative church that I grew up in, I would GO AHEAD and model all sorts of sexy underwear. I am afterall someone who cares about the feelings of others. Posing nude will be difficult since I felt my body is not perfect enough. But my man, well, he would gladly do it for ART. It does not matter to him whether the ART was "appreciated" by the gay community even. To him, God made us to look good in the buff and clothes are so unneccessary. He even laments the lack of an official NUDE beach here. Looks like I am the conservative one here. MUAHAHAHA.
Back to the violin repair,
I really need to upgrade my bow. At the moment, this original "unbalanced" bow is kind of too heavy for my weak shoulder. I am still recovering from tendonitis of the rotator cuff sustained on a gym ball exercise last year. I was arched on my back over the gym ball when Rachel woke from sleep and pushed me over suddenly. I did not hear or see her approach and boy she, a breast-fed baby had great strength. I probably ruptured some muscular fibres, it hurt so much and was so inflammed that I needed physiotheraphy. Bowing triggered the injury as scar tissues that made my then frozen right shoulder, moved. It was searing pain some what like a flesh cut. SHARP and continuous. My mistake according to the physiotherapist was to do nothing after the fall off the gym ball. Since it was a really sharp bout of pain I should have consulted a doctor. Instead I merely prayed over and avoided using my right hand if possible. At one stage brushing teeth and stir frying hurt much. By not seeking treatment early, scar tissue formed over the tears and when I started to bow learning the violin, I practically moved the scar tissues and aggravated the old tears. Sounds scary. From now on, its prayer with medical consultation for me so I could pray with understanding.
Well, back to the basics of choosing a bow. A good bow I was told can cost up to thousands, but at this moment when my violin cost only about $2000, a $200 bow should suffice. By the way, i need to wait for my violin to "recover" from the damage before I could choose a bow since they sound different on different violins. According to the Violin Owner's Manual by Strings Letter publishing, a good bow should weigh bet 60 to 65 grams. It should also dig into the strings without the wood hitting the string. If you're digging you can get that nice accented sound. But if the bow isn't strong enough, the stick will flex so much that the hair is caught between the string and the bow and you don't have as much control over it. Elasticity is another difficult to understand concept, it measures how "responsive" the bow is. My teacher Amy Tan recommends French bows and she showed me one that costs above $3000. She is afterall a amateur violin performer who recently commissioned the making of an italian violin costing above $10000. She already owns several violins, including China made ones.
Oh Violins, i love them. David Garrett is blest with a 1718 Stradivarius worth US$4.5million that was part of a quartet made for the Grand Duke of San Lorenzo. That's why its called the San Lorenzo, it was a gift to him when he was only 12. He's such a incredibly blessed child having studied under Ida Haendel as a very gifted kid. David had been performing since he was 10 and started to learn the violin when he was 4. Rachel started just before her 3rd birthday, hmmmmm, we shall see if God would prosper her the same way.
Perhaps even more blessed is Anne Sophie Mutter who owns not one but two Stradivarius violins (The Emiliani of 1703, and the Lord Dunn-Raven of 1710) each worth around US $2.5 million.I particularly loved the sound of her violins, they are so velvety and mesmerising.
Someday, I hope I could play my favourite Bach Chaccone on a really good violin. I asked God for a genuine Giuseppe Guarneri Del Gesu and looked forward to bidding for one at Sotheby's. It does not harm to dream big does it?
I better go work on my Minuet 3, Suzuki Vol 1 now............................................
Immediately after my weekly lesson I hurried my violin with my child to the violin shop in Katong. Its akin to rushing a sick child to see a doctor. I was quoted $150 for the above repair work yet I needed to wait some one month for the spare parts to arrive. My bow too had a slight crack around the eye due to misuse. No I DID NOT hit Rachel with it. I probably wind it up too tight as an overly enthusiastic beginner in the past.
Some time last Christmas, my violin idol, David Garrett slipped and landed on his 1772 GB Guadagnini worth a cool US$1 million after a performance in London. Although he landed on his violin case, the violin was quite severely damaged with cracks running from the "f hole". At this moment, this precious baby was being repaired in New York, a restoration process that would take several months with a estimated bill size of US$100,000. I prayed it will be miraculously restored, sound included.
You know, I feel for him, his pain from the accidental loss of a good "friend". After all the violin was with him since 2003 and had been used from composing to concert performances. This is an instrument that he worked hard and saved up for. He modelled briefly for Vogue and Armani while being coached by the legendary Itzhak Perlman in the Juilliard School, New York. He MODELS, yes no wonder I find him SOOOOOO familiar since I often drool over Armani models in the past. My favourite model was Marcus Schenkenberg of the legendary Calvin Klein Jeans shower ad. Thank God for creating these male beauties, so perfect in physique, David, whose German dad is a lawyer cum an antique violin dealer and whose mum is a american ballerina, is 1.88m while the now much older but still highly marketable Marcus was more than 1.9m.
And there was I, a bubbly teenager, I WANTED to model badly and for all things lingerie. After all, what i lacked in height,God compensated with a sexy hour glass figure. I'm a mere 1.57m, blame it on my parents who refused to let me drink milk after 10 years old, "Milk are for babies" I remembered my mum scolding me for wanting to buy the pyramid packet Marigold? chocolate milk in the 1980s. Singapore was struggling with recession then.
When David Garrett was born in Aachen Germany in 1980, I was already in primary one, what a MILESTONE locally. Genes played a part too, both my parents are short and I became the most vertically challenged among my siblings. Shortest but not the dumbest, may be my brain was too heavy, Hahahah
If not for my traditional parents and the conservative church that I grew up in, I would GO AHEAD and model all sorts of sexy underwear. I am afterall someone who cares about the feelings of others. Posing nude will be difficult since I felt my body is not perfect enough. But my man, well, he would gladly do it for ART. It does not matter to him whether the ART was "appreciated" by the gay community even. To him, God made us to look good in the buff and clothes are so unneccessary. He even laments the lack of an official NUDE beach here. Looks like I am the conservative one here. MUAHAHAHA.
Back to the violin repair,
I really need to upgrade my bow. At the moment, this original "unbalanced" bow is kind of too heavy for my weak shoulder. I am still recovering from tendonitis of the rotator cuff sustained on a gym ball exercise last year. I was arched on my back over the gym ball when Rachel woke from sleep and pushed me over suddenly. I did not hear or see her approach and boy she, a breast-fed baby had great strength. I probably ruptured some muscular fibres, it hurt so much and was so inflammed that I needed physiotheraphy. Bowing triggered the injury as scar tissues that made my then frozen right shoulder, moved. It was searing pain some what like a flesh cut. SHARP and continuous. My mistake according to the physiotherapist was to do nothing after the fall off the gym ball. Since it was a really sharp bout of pain I should have consulted a doctor. Instead I merely prayed over and avoided using my right hand if possible. At one stage brushing teeth and stir frying hurt much. By not seeking treatment early, scar tissue formed over the tears and when I started to bow learning the violin, I practically moved the scar tissues and aggravated the old tears. Sounds scary. From now on, its prayer with medical consultation for me so I could pray with understanding.
Well, back to the basics of choosing a bow. A good bow I was told can cost up to thousands, but at this moment when my violin cost only about $2000, a $200 bow should suffice. By the way, i need to wait for my violin to "recover" from the damage before I could choose a bow since they sound different on different violins. According to the Violin Owner's Manual by Strings Letter publishing, a good bow should weigh bet 60 to 65 grams. It should also dig into the strings without the wood hitting the string. If you're digging you can get that nice accented sound. But if the bow isn't strong enough, the stick will flex so much that the hair is caught between the string and the bow and you don't have as much control over it. Elasticity is another difficult to understand concept, it measures how "responsive" the bow is. My teacher Amy Tan recommends French bows and she showed me one that costs above $3000. She is afterall a amateur violin performer who recently commissioned the making of an italian violin costing above $10000. She already owns several violins, including China made ones.
Oh Violins, i love them. David Garrett is blest with a 1718 Stradivarius worth US$4.5million that was part of a quartet made for the Grand Duke of San Lorenzo. That's why its called the San Lorenzo, it was a gift to him when he was only 12. He's such a incredibly blessed child having studied under Ida Haendel as a very gifted kid. David had been performing since he was 10 and started to learn the violin when he was 4. Rachel started just before her 3rd birthday, hmmmmm, we shall see if God would prosper her the same way.
Perhaps even more blessed is Anne Sophie Mutter who owns not one but two Stradivarius violins (The Emiliani of 1703, and the Lord Dunn-Raven of 1710) each worth around US $2.5 million.I particularly loved the sound of her violins, they are so velvety and mesmerising.
Someday, I hope I could play my favourite Bach Chaccone on a really good violin. I asked God for a genuine Giuseppe Guarneri Del Gesu and looked forward to bidding for one at Sotheby's. It does not harm to dream big does it?
I better go work on my Minuet 3, Suzuki Vol 1 now............................................
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