Strength in time of need

Went orchard to anti stress......window shop even though Rachel wanted much to stay home and watch dvds. Oh she is so like her daddy, they can exist within the 4 walls and not have the urge to get out of the main door type, whereas i turn mouldy and grouchy if home bound for too long. Already my tolerance of staying in doors had gone up from a single day t0 max 3 days.

I think it all started in my teens when the 3 room flat we were dwelling in was so cramped with 7 family members including wheel chair bound grandpa who took up one of the two bedrooms. Immediately after my afternoon lessons and tutorials I would speed shop, mostly window shop in the near by Parkway Parade or City Plaza before dashing home in a cab $2.50 only to help care for the super grouchy hot and short tempered grand pa while both parents are at work at the food stall. Its those mundane stuff like getting him water, towel, food and medication. Grandpa stays on the bed most of the time because I do not have the strength to help transfer his 300 pounds body sans a leg to his 3rd wheel chair. In fact, he had to do all his business on the bed which had a specially constructed with a "loo" or hole in the bed.

Once my mum who was TCM nursing trained was cleaning his severely diabetic feet when one of the toes just fell into the basin. I was shivering in fear when i heard the commotion, but my mum just wrap it with ice cubes and called for an ambulance. I am the squeamish type. Blood, shit, urine, vomit, bones, ashes even leftover food or garbage...YUCK i cannot tolerate but my mum was so full of courage and VIRTUE as she cared for both my late chronically sick grandpa and my cancer stricken grandma. She was one super brave woman.

Sigh... my grandma, she was a quite strict vegetarian that chants a great deal each day. She had a gallstone removed when I was in lower primary so when she complained of gastric pain our family thought it was another gall stone episode. The medical report came out to be terminal cancer of the stomach. Within a month she was GONE. The last few days were really trying for me. I had to tolerate her loud wails in pain. She was puking dried blood and passing out fresh ones. The SGH doctors were not doing any thing as she was in her early 80s. The cancer was eating her up and no amount of prayer intercession with fasting seemed to help. I was so worn out so afraid that she would die in my presence as I was the only one that was with her most of the time. My parents were working their butts off to sustain the family and pay the medical bills while my siblings were in army and school hostel. I did lose the desire to excel in school though I still turn out to be amongst the top few in class.

One night my grandma crawled on all fours and begged me to "finish her off with a knife". I was so horrified, I kept praying in tongues for Jesus to take her pain away. She wailed throughout the night. It made me re-think that euthanasia is necessary especially when the victim is suffering much pain and want to end their lives. I hope one day, Singapore will legalise it so that some may die with peace and dignity with the help of professional palliative care-givers. But of course, as a christian we are raised to value life since it came from the Creator God. Though I cannot understand why some individuals need to suffer so much.

Any way, soon it was my mum's turn. In the last few years intensive chemotheraphy and a very resilient aggressive cancer of the colon had taken a drastic toll on her originally plump body. As the cancer spread to the lungs she suffered much searing intermitten pain on her back. She said it was like knives stabbing non stop into her spine and back muscles. Within months she was so weak and frail that she became really small framed with a lollipop head and her legs became too weak to carry the residual weight even and would buckle when she stood up.

The battle against cancer was a very furious one. One minute she was "healing" the cancer markers were consistently down, i was praising God, the next she was fighting a fast losing battle. Once her taste buds were destroyed, so went her otherwise good natured co-operative patient self. Towards the end she had shed more than 20kg at least. Its heart wrenching to pray much and witness your love one becoming worse and dying. Looking back, I was able to draw strength from deep within me, despite being heavily pregnant and later being a new mum and care-giver to Rachel, and care for my mum the best way I can.

Soon I was cleaning her house, preparing the plain watery porridge, administering the various drugs and morphine patches and changing the dressings. She once terrified me with more than 1.5L of dark green smelly vomit despite not eating anything for the entire day . Then there was the horrendous hair loss episode, hair was everywhere. While I clean up all the mess, I have no doubt that I contribute to the heaps of hair on the floor too, for the undue stress I felt, juggling the ever active toddler and my dying mum and travelling via public transport to and from marine parade to seng kang when there was no direct bus services.

Lastly, her fall and the huge pool of blood on the floor that led me in much shock and trembling. I was holding her bleeding head with a towel in my hand and calling the ambulance in the other and shouting to my 7 year old niece to care for my 2.5 year old energizer bunny baby in the living room. I was totally spooked by the blood, the sheer volume of it and how in that instant my phone went dead and I can only recall yan's HP number plus the ambulance that took an eternity to arrive. I was at the same time worried about the two kids in the living room, playing unsupervised. Cheryl saw the bloody mess I prayed she will not be spooked by it like I was in my childhood witnessing one bloody accident after another. Rachel I was not sure if she saw any thing but her older cousin was able to distract her with toys temporaily, I think. And the kids were hungry awaiting dinner from my sister who had a big shock entering the house. She had not checked her phone nor had she answer the urgent calls that Yan had sent her. The following week was a huge blur of hospital vigils and funeral arrangements.

Frankly I never expect such things to happen in my life. I am a happy go lucky shopper, an ex fashionista, a musician and sophisticated investor wanna be. Life is suppose to be full of party and friends and music and money. All these incidences changed me much. I became even more melancholic and withdrawn and certainly have no desire to make new friends, facebook or not. Its also tough sharing with the existing friend or two. I very much prefer to be alone, with my God, my family and my violin. And not forgetting an occasional investment or shopping spree to spice up regular church life.

And please God PLEASE, bless the rest of my family with good health, happiness, peace and prosperity. Protect them from within and without and love them Lord dearly.