Dreading Christmas 2008

I feel very down already. I know this christmas will be yet another miserable one. Hopefully I do not have to buy gifts at ebay and then sell my presents to get the cash back!!!!!!

Christmas has always been a time of celebration for me! I love to give good gifts more than receiving things that i do not need or wonder why did someone think I would like this or that. Christmas is about parties and turkeys and balloons and joy and laughter. Even before I officially attended churches at age 13, I was already giving to the WWF NOT the World Wrestling Federation but the World Wildlife Fund. Later with my first church mission movement, I sponsored a Thai orphan for about $60 a month for a few years, based just on his photo so that this kid of about 8-9 will get a decent education. I've never met him or gotten any receipt from the church. Its all about TRUST and actually my dad was the one financing him through my JC pocket money of about $300 a month excluding fashion, bags, shoes, make-up, skin care, tuition and books.

Now that I am a mother who had recently lost her mother, I find myself in huge need of shoes, bags, clothes, skin care, makeup and tuition for rachel especially mandarin that I hated! Please do not jump to conclusion that I am vain and materialistic and high maintenance! I am NOT. When I say I have nothing to wear I mean I really have nothing to wear save for some old t-shirts and jean skirts. Since I left the working world prematurely while 5.5 months pregnant and worried about my cancer stricken mum, I had sold most of my working wardrobe, shoes, watches and yes including my wedding jewellery and rings, (I don't fancy the uncomfortable feeling of wearing even a wedding ring any way).

So, I sold/pawn everything so that we can pay for the c section and the subsequent child immunisations. Its no joke having rachel, we need everything as there were no hand me downs. We need $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and we lost much $$$$$$$$$$$ my maternity benefit and at least 4 months of salary when I was forced to leave DBS early. I sincerely pray that the layoff list include that idiotic head of sales, east (provided its the same bad guy) who engineered much of our misery!!!! He singlehandedly pushed me to the edge for a simple calculation error and pressured me to quit, chiding me for being a "burden to the bank who need to pay your maternity benefit" He ordered the bank staff to deduct my pay to compensate the greedy old woman customer who tried to pull a fast one and demanded the bank honour the mistake I made an extra of $772 for her. Thankfully after I protested loud and clear to other colleagues, not a single $ was deducted from my last paycheck in Sep 2004

Any way, i used to love christmas, to shop for gifts for loved ones and also be heavily involved in church outreach events like caroling or worship band but now...............THINGS HAD CHANGED. Each Christmas, I am honoured to hold a family gathering. Its a Christmas cum New Year cum Rachel's birthday party. However, the budget for this event was slashed each year that this 2008, I feel all miserable and depressed already and pray much that God be merciful and bless us with what we need for the party and rachel's birthday gift.

Such is the quality of my life that had deteriorated much since I became a mother. What a contrast to my late teens and early 20s when I had everything. I was the envy of friends and church mates, being way ahead in fashion and gadgets and travelling much. Now I dread to go church every sunday as I have nothing to wear. Its the same t shirt (already have holes appearing) and tattered jeans skirt bought in 2006 after we sold the Mandarin Gardens Studio. I have not travelled for more than 10 years except by bus and mrt in Singapore. Yet as a doting mum, I will gladly let rachel have a bigger share of whatever food we are having and will not think twice to spend the last dollar on her!

Could we belong to those "living in poverty????" Frankly not! As long as one can afford to rent a private apartment, in this country, you will get less handouts and zero rebates and subsidies. Its a tiring struggle to believe God that we will emerge victorious soon, out of debt (mostly family mum's chemo bills related) have more than enough savings and investments and be prosperous. Yet this is the gist of the messages that our church wants us to believe God for. That life can be good. That our family can be and IS ALREADY???? Wealthy and Healthy by the Grace of God.

Guess this christmas I need Christ more than anything now!!!!!!!