Some weird regrets

Yesterday I Spoke with Xiao AO who is in my opinion one of yan's brightest students at this moment. This well dressed young lady in her teens hail from China and she learnt to play the violin since she was about 6. A minor PE injury to her arm sort of led her to want to play the piano too. So here she is, alone in Singapore studying and learning music. I instantly liked her and found myself regreting my youth!

The youth of today is so mobile. So wired up. I never did visit any country until I was due to graduate. I think my first trip was to Hong Kong for a week long shopping. Its shopping bring the purchases back to Sheraton Hotel in the afternoon then dinner and shopping again. I LOVE IT!!!
I was ahead in fashion in esparadrilles and tube tops that my first church pastor SCOLDED me for wearing to service. As if I care!!! Ha, I meant to say that though my image was trendy though without earrings, and any accessories, I am a minimalist, I felt totally comfy in what i wear then mini skirts that boasted of fit and slim legs, not endless ones like yan's though. He is model material and should even pose nude for Gay magazines...hahaha

Many assumed that I had several relationships but quite contrary I had many good male friends that made me quite fussy about the man I would eventually date and marry and have kids with. Investment- wise I admit I do have an above average risk appetite and a time frame several generations long but when it comes to relationships, NAH...I am TOTALLY risk adverse, prefering to WAIT and be SURE. A few crushes here and there but NO i would not allow my heart to be broken so to speak.

The only time I allowed myself to really feel for someone I believe was a good bet and from God, was the only time I hurt the most. Afterall, I spent my adult life turning down potential guys that are EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW to me, only to have a taste of my own medicine in 2002. While the country was in a recession I was in a depression. So much pain was in my heart that I was totally unable to taste the food i eat. I applied for many jobs half heartedly and when I did get short-listed for interviews, I called to refuse the interviews. God was my refuge but sometimes I think he does not "understand" the many WHYS...WHATS...WHEN...HOW CAN???? ETC ETC. Many times it was hard to believe that he cared.

I started SPENDING to express my pain. I had debts for the first time in my life and i did not care. The credit spending snow-balled into something more serious, letters from banks demanding payment and I eventually had a BAILOUT by my dad sans the scolding.

Citibank headhunted me but I told the investment manager I am not in the mood to work for the time being and hung off the phone call. Rude har???

I wanted to get out of the sad feelings but I became at the same time became more in tune with mozart's requiem, which was the saddest music I ever heard. Mozart's death is still the saddest and i feel a loss that is even greater than my mum's recent passing on. I realised that I always wanted to make music and express my deepest feelings which no amount of art (water-colour and sketching) and words, (diary writing or yes even penning poems) can help. I am confirmed a right brained individual. Hee

YES LORD!!! I WANT.. I NEED TO PLAY MUSIC.

With new debt I bought my first real piano. A digital piano a Yamaha P80, $2500 and started to "worship" God with whatever meaningful tunes I can muster with the chords that I taught myself and slowly but surely God healed my achy breaky heart. I became an even more melancholic person with a stronger desire to be who I always wanted to be since I was a kid...a musician. It could be God compensation that I end up with a musician husband.

Anyway, indeed it was church music, hymms that played on the BBC that made me want to go church as a kid. Through the years, though I sang much Karaoke and served passionately in the various church music ministries, its the desire to make music that keeps me, my spirits ALIVE.

Looking back, I had spent far too much time on my studies determined to be a top student, to get into university and get out fast to help my family financially. My childhood was wrought with the Pan Electric Crisis, October Stock market crash 1987 Iraq war and the huge medical costs of ailing grandparents. My grand pa had a leg amputated for diabetes and was wheelchaired bound for a long time. My grandma had stomach carinoma and rejected Christ on her dying days. More recently my mum succumbed to metatastic colon cancer and like wise decline the many "offers" of salvation by well meaning christian relatives, pastor's wife included.

Indeed my youth was spent studying and praying for my family and "doing deeds" in churches to "save" them. I should have explore more, muscially included, relationships included and learnt early whether or not to trust my instincts.

At least, David Garrett had the same experience and feelings I once had. He had in the summer of 2005 fell head over heels with a girl. Like he said, " Unfortunately life can be cruel and she turned out not to feel the same way about me. I chose to deal with my torn emotions by using music as a vessel. being able to put all my love into music gave me the hope and strength to go on. Although it was written in a sad mood (the song serenade), ironically, sometimes it is precisely these emotions that make life worth living."

Perhaps it was my sensitive soul I was sub consciously trying to protect. Any way, I believe this saddest episode in my life sealed in me the desire to express myself musically for the rest of my life. To this end, I just want to play the violin well for the rest of my life. To God be the glory.