Dreams and Reality in 2009

Been busy lately. I brought rachel to the 2009 national piano and violin competition (selected categories, mainly the junior and the intermediate) and she pretty much listened to one performance and slept for the rest. HAHAHAHA.

But...on the home front, since re-starting violin lessons in April this year after our teacher had settled down in the same estate, I am glad that Rachel is enjoying learning violin well. In fact, just the other day I was highlighting to Yan some interesting matters written in my calendar 2009- in which i document any thing from music lessons, to practises to home cleaning and cooking schedules. Indeed it's been the dextos year of the Lord

13 Feb 2009- Dreamt Yan bought Rachel a high quality violin in a white LV case. I've since understood it meant that God (the Father) will supply all that we need for our musical education (passion)- high quality instruments and accessories included. It's all been taken care of, teachers, fees, great opportunities, performances, concerts etc, we need not be anxious about anything at all.

14 Feb 2009 - Asked God for a high quality italian handmade violin with beautiful expressive voice. (Some 195 days later, on 28 Aug 2009, I brought home the Maggini copy, though made in Germany at a bargain price through my violin teacher who's violin collector friend happened to be hard pressed for cash)

25 Feb 2009- Rachel requested violin lessons from Amy. (April 1,2009, it's no joke, she started regular weekly lessons with Amy after I had mine and also performed the chorus section of "Jingle Bells" in the teacher's christmas recital early this month).

11 July 2009-Dreamt that Rachel asked for piano lessons every day. It's amazing but she will practise on her own if yan or I am not available to coach her daily. Now I schedule time daily to supervise her on the violin, piano and on music theory.

God is amazing. In fact, some of my dreams are " a little silly".

Yesterday I dreamt I was "dating" David Garrett!!!! We were in this sound-proofed basement in a beach resort somewhere in Indonesia and I was asking him about bowing techniques. Unfortunately due to our height differences 1.88m and me (1.57m) I couldn't quite get what he was explaining though I could see how he did the sforzando and the spizzicato?????? I felt I was in the presence of God himself...very surreal...very awesome. Though I had the blessings to watched him perform live right in front of us (I was carrying a 2 year old toddler, rachel in the first row, at the Paragon Shopping Centre).

Maybe it was due to the circumstances that happened earlier that day. I had been rather pissed with my neighbours who will hit our floors (their ceilings) whenever I start to practise on the violin. In fact, they banged so hard on the floors that the mirror that leaned on the wall moved and frightened Rachel. I remembered pleading with God for our own landed house with sound-proofing so we may improve musically. My consolation is that even David Garrett was "chased" out of an apartment before for practising on the violin much. For me I would love to have a classical musician neighbour so we can play and learn together often.

This shall come to pass soon. After all I had not one but three dreams of living in a double storey large contemporary house, on elevated sprawling grounds. Coming down from a short flight of stairs with glass walls, there was a concert grand and a harp and a lap pool to the extreme right of the hall. In the sprawling lawn / garden, outdoor canopy tents were busy preparing for a birthday party...mine!!!!!! What a dream that I can't wait for God to bring to pass. Not forgetting there was also this dream where I was caressing a real 1741 Guarneri del Gesu!!!! Or a recent one that I was given the keys to a whole room of pricey antique violins. Hallelujah!!!

First Christmas concert

Last saturday, Rachel and I had our debut performances in our teacher's christmas concert!!!! Thank God, it went well though I personally think I should do better!!!! with more practices. Another reason was there should be at least one proper rehearsal en location which we did not have the luxury of. All we did is some 30 minutes briefing before the private event with open doors??

I enjoyed The Puppet Show though half way through I felt my kun shoulder rest dislocating. Kun was my upgrade from the original Fom (made in china) and it worked well in the beginning. However, my latest upgrade violin, a Maggini copy seemed to have a smaller "bottom" resulting in a couple of "mishaps". Thank God I managed to secure the violin and the half latched on shoulder rest and continued my play without any panic. Actually I am not the panicky type!!!

Next time I will upgrade to the Mach One violin rest which had a "captain hook" to fit snuggly on the shoulder for a comfortable fit. It's also the brand that most concert violinists use I think. Retails US$70, for comfortable violin hold why not. I must get it!!! Another violin bow too! My less than a year old made in china bow warped!!!! and it costs me $250!!!! At the same time my Aldo bag of a few months started to "peel" (the synthetic PVC), afterwhich I realised it was also Hecho en china!!!! Enough of sub quality china made products for me and ma familie.

Watching the amazing race, I liken myself to the team number one (winner) gal who in my opinion is strong both physically and mentally. Level-headed. Sam and Dan bicker a lot and their shouting matches make the programme more interesting. I am most turned off by that mixed race team especially the lady was rather negative, whiny, and hysterical most of the time. It's a miracle her husband can remain cool with her behaving wild and crazy most of the time. Glad that they did not win anything!!!! Ha

Wow US $1 million dollars!!!!Congrats to the winner but its really not much in local terms, less than S$1.4 million can hardly help one obtain a 3 bedroom private apartment these days!!!!!

My deepest Christmas wish will be for God to bless us with our own home complete with a pool and a garden. It's been several years now that we've been renting and moving from place to place. Well, God loves to bless us and I know it shall come to pass that I will soon practise music in the comfort of my own home soon. Thank you Father God.

On the beat!!!

Been rehearsing for the coming concert this saturday. Actually its my and rachel's debut public performance!!!! Rachel will play with many kids, Jingle Bells whereas I will play in the ensemble Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, The Christmas Song and the Puppet Song. The better kids (mostly) will play in groups of 3 other Christmassy titles.

Yesterday I had a trying time playing ON THE BEAT with my teacher's computer accompaniment. Some parts I was half a beat too fast, though never too slow. Later I realised it was my fingering, in anticipation of the bow change or the next note I had often release a certain finger too prematurely. I need to learn to weigh down each finger evenly.

Last Friday's rehearsal was a mess!!!! I was thrown off by others' wrong bowing and half way at the puppet song I couldn't hear properly as the loud high frequencies of so many violins in a small apartment with low ceiling was causing alot of distress in the left ear!!!! Mostly wind like sound that goes away once the high pitch noise ends. I thought about seeing a hearing specialist about it, since it bothered me for a few years now. It started when I bathe a screaming toddler in a small shower room in the previous apartment, Gosh, Rachel was such a high pitched squealing toddler during bath time that my left ear rings to my dismay and discomfort.

However, I've decided to leave the matter to Jesus my perfect healer and trust that once again he will heal perfectly as he had done before with the serious rotar cuff tendonitis, sustained years back- a gym mishap.

Next week is going to be busy. I will take Rachel to the National Piano and Violin Competition 2009 for most of the Junior segments and will probably attend the final concert (Artiste) category as before.

Then there is a whole lot of planning and shopping to do for the annual Year end party cum Rachel's 5th birthday.The theme is Disney Princesses. I am inviting close friends to this party this time round and some of Rachel's playmates (Yan's students). Can't wait!!!! How I wish I have a bigger place for the guests to mingle ( a pool and garden will be nice), plenty of parking space and also domestic helpers to assist in the cleaning, purchasing and decorating etc etc.

Yes indeed, the time will come. Thank God

Of vampires and dreams.

Just finished reading the screenplay of "The Reader". This is a very interesting piece of work by David Hare based on the award-winning and New York Times best-selling novel by Bernhard Schlink. I will check out the book though I am resisting the temptation to read the Twilight Sagas.

I love vampire books when I was a pre-teen to early teenage I think. There is something so eternal about it, the sensuality of being loved by beings that are like us yet different. The language is particularly romantic and the images makes one pulsate with each kill!!!!! Totally thrilling!!! It was until I became serious Christian that one had to "severe" such unhealthy "soul ties??????" or rather "associations", afterall, you are what you read. Your mind is a fertile ground, why fill it with images of vampires when you can reap the abundant,victorious life that Christ gives freely through his word?????? Even my all time vampire writer, Anne Rice Whose marvellous work "Interview with the Vampire"( my last, both book and movie- starring the all time handsome Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise), ya, even Anne Rice now writes about angels since she had converted to Christianity.

However, twilight beckons me!!!! Isn't Robert Pattison cute???? There's something about his pale porcelain face and his deep blood sucking lips that attracts women (aunties included). May be its the Bram Stoker version that I watched with my mum when I was a kid. How sensuous to be seduced by a handsome blood-stucker and die in his arms - totally romantic!!!! I would join him to be a vampire team and seduce younger males. HAHAHAHA. There was a brief period in my early teens when I did ponder over the fact if indeed they were amongst us, dead yet alive, awake when we were asleep. I wondered how it would be like if I ever was seduced by one- handsome eternal being.

The Reader is the compelling story of a young boy of 15 who was seduced by a stranger twice his age on that fateful day when he was taken ill with scarlet fever. As their secretive relationship deepens, Hannah would have the school boy read aloud to her all sorts of literature before they make love. Then one day she disappeared mysteriously leaving the young Michael heartbroken and confused. Michael loved her deeply, she being his first love.

Then years later, the now law student Michael (Ralph Fiennes)is shocked to find the now old Hannah (Kate Winslet) back in his life. This time as a defendent in court. The story goes on to reveal about Hannah's Nazi past and the fact that she was illiterate until she learnt to read with Michael's audio tapes (he was reading as in the past to his love) in the long years in jail.

I love reading screen plays. Maybe it was my literary past, those shakespearean plays that one had to memorise for exams in school, and the fact that I often was asked to play this and that character!!!! I love it when in my mind I could become the character in the script and deliver the lines. I am good directing my own mind production and often times, re enacts the certain scenes in movies I watched. It could be an alternative perspective or an alternative ending scene or whatever I feel could bring out a better interpretation!!!! It's like I could be a director if I want to, an actress perhaps and certainly the many dreams I have every day in full colour, sound and texture and feelings certainly helps.

Just the other day, I dreamt I was walking through this new housing estate that is so proximate to Johor and the land fill (for trash!!!) Boy!!!! It smelt so bad in my dream that I almost threw up!!!!! I tried to flee from the horrid stench by running up to the highest floor (my thigh muscles aching) and behold, the scenery was a breath-taking view of Johor's huge landed houses in this vast yet sparsely populated hilly region near the narrow straits. What a contrast!! and I woke!!!!

I was running away from the horrid stench of the compost heap while Melina, my dearest friend mentioned that she had nightmares of running away from vampires!!! I guess for now, I've matured!!!! And if I do read and watch the twilight saga, it will not be about Robert Pattison but how I, the amateurish director could improve on what is already in the big screen. LOL

Been busy-musically

I've been really busy these few weeks. Baby Corrine, my latest niece was born on 11 Nov and I had a really fun time that day dashing to assemble our baby hamper. Its good that rachel did not feel a tinge of jealousy but enjoyed picking the baby items and also surprise gifts (princess stationery sets) for Baby Corrine's sisters and herself. Time to have another baby????? PLEASE!!!!! NO WAY!!!!! ONE IS ENOUGH!!!!!!! I NEED MORE TIME TO PRACTISE VIOLIN

Even as I sneaked some time to update my blog, Rachel is whining about me not helping her with the beados!!!! Argh......as usual I will be a living sacrifice 24/7 for my darling!!!

Well...I'm back after taking 5 mins to complete her beados!!!! Now she went on to practice her violin when we are supposed to practise together in the afternoon. In case one should think I neglect her, well I am now listening to her "jingle bells" and advising her bowing at the same time, half bow, full bow etc.

In fact, another reason why we are so busy is our teacher want us to perform at her annual student's concert. This year, the concert had a Christmas theme. The adults after playing several items will perform with the kids jingle bells, with the scores of kids, mine youngest at 4 playing the chorus of Jingle Bells.

Now, rachel went on to practise her usual Twinkle twinkle little stars, Mary had a little Lamb etc with very little supervision. She's a great kid. Sometimes she is so self-motivated I think she surpassed me in my childhood!!!!! Oh... its Beguine now, her first violin piece involving all 4 strings!!!! Its sounded ok though her 1/16 size violin had cracks from a nasty accidental fall.

Yesterday I brought her to the NAFA concert series 09/10, its serious stuff ALL ABOUT PIANOS from Scriabin to Schmann to Rachmaninov. I just wanted to see how much she can take and whether she is listening etc. To my amazement she sat through 5 items citing her favourite as LIZST Hungarian Rhapsody No 12 in C#minor followed by CHOPIN Fantasie in F minor, Op 49.

We left early since I promised her a surprised toy from Seiyu, OH its BHG now and we need to get there before the shops closed. Any way its a very long programme and the last piece is something that I had just started to learn from Yan. BEETHOVEN, Sonata in D minor Op 31 no 2 "Tempest".

"I think I want to play piano now!!", Rachel just said after 15 minutes of practising her violin. Of course there will be another session later today when I go through the songs with her. She had just lifted the piano cover, I am on the computer next to her piano. This is our family's favourite room, the MUSIC room. OMG, she started to joule the piano "Mary had a little Lamb" again!!!! This is one song I get to hear a lot....and she is aptly named Rachel meaning "little lamb!!"

Last night, holding her CHOMP, a cute little toy triceratops from the cartoon Dinosaur King, she told me she will perform on the piano publicly first but violin when she is older. Indeed it great that she already have some plans about her future.

Told you, she is mature beyong her 4 years though sometimes she still have the tantrums. (much less now). The picture of a 5 year old Anne Sophie Mutter playing her violin in her violin case is motivation enough, though the plenty of dvds we watched as a family sure fuels her interest in music and performing.

Awaiting Good News

As i write this, our family is awaiting good news. Lots of good news ahead!!!!

Baby (Clara) or whatever her name is going to be will be born anytime this week!!!! She is my brother Leslie's third girl after Cheryl and Celine. It seemed like yesterday when I was all excited about the birth of Cheryl, the first grandchild to my hyper-excited parents who were going to be grandparents for the first time. YES!!!! We all cherish our first times, one way or another.

So there I was cradling baby Cheryl newly born, all wrinkled and pink and I prayed that God will bless me with a baby soon. I was single, not seeing anyone in particular, having some idea of the man that I will love- handsome, gifted in music (not rock guitarist or drummers pls), artisitic, sentimental, highly educated, God-loving and loving kids etc.

Now, Rachel is almost 5 and had long started on the violin (a day before she was 3) and piano too!! She told me she loves music and her favourite instrument is the violin that she is begining to play tunes she love. She is committed to practising and prefers the daddy to supervise her when she plays. Our beloved darling is all grown up!!!!

Something in me tells me that God blesses this child. She will do well musically and impact the world for her love of music and God. Perhaps the greatest reason why we choose to home-school her and help nurture her growing talents in everything art and music. I believe with God, nothing is impossible.

Thank you Jesus for giving us abundant life, health, wealth, happiness, peace and love and many other gifts including the gift of music.

Only act of rebellion

Growing up, I must say I am a super good kid. No bad company, no average grades and no undue heartaches for my parents. Afterall, I've learnt to be ultimately responsible for the welfare of my younger siblings and I understood submission equals respect for my parents.

The only act of rebellion would be having my own beliefs. I had as a young child of about 7 heard the gospel at a playground and it struck a deep note deep within my soul. Somehow, i just believe that there is God and there is only one of it and that God created everything!!!!! Eventually in my early teens I rebelled against "being forced to hold joss sticks and burn incense papers and visiting temples where many would kneel to pray to idols fashioned by human beings themselves".

When I told my mum i wanted to be a Christian, she slapped me so hard on the cheeks that I bled and the taste of my own blood was most disgusting!!!! It was persecution so to speak. For a few years in my secondary school days I had every bible thrashed by my mum and every "friend" scrutinised including a Roger from TK Tech whom I had a crush on!!!! Roger had brought me to his church then Fishermen of Christ where I heard my first sermon in Mandarin. John 15. However, I had BBC to thank for the live worship and sermons broadcast that I often tune in to. Many christian friends in school also studied the bible and prayed with me during lunch. My faith only grew stronger and became more deep rooted through the years, after all, I am the type that commits to the path I had chosen.

Though my heartcry is always wanting to learn music and fine art, I did obtain the accountancy degree that my parents wanted much. In the 80s, its almost every parents' dream that their kids will go to university and become doctors, lawyers, accountants and engineers. Artistic development were not encouraged for fear that these pursuits would derail the plans to getting the all too necessary paper qualifications essential for financial and material well-being.

Sometimes I wished I had studied music, art and french in my youth instead of memorising loads of information which I had scarcely any passion in. Accountancy and math were the most challenging to me followed by the super dry legal studies. Notwithstanding the fact of my lack of passion, God enabled me to excel in my studies and make my parents proud. My only consolation lies in my own endless pursuits of art, music and french, largely self taught that made minute progress during the holidays.

Home-schooling Rachel allows us to help her develop in areas where she has passion. Even as I try to blog, at this very minute my beloved kid had proceed on to practice her violin after she had played on the piano, all on her own accord. Usually I would drop everything I do, except cooking and supervise her playing but today, I just decide to take a backseat, and "see" what her level of enthusiasm and self-motivation is like since she is not yet 5.

Indeed, she continues to amaze me being able to focus and be disciplined in what she does. She likes to attend classical concerts and recitals with me and had on more than one occasion told me that she want to be an artiste when she grows up. (both art and music). I know God our Father will bless her in every way. Amen

Most Expensive Magazine Ever.

Hi all, today I bought THE most expensive magazine ever in my life. The Strad, special edition VIOLIN HEROES. Its S$34.90!!!!!

This special issue features exclusive interviews of some of my current favourite violinists Joshua Bell, Itzhak Perlman, Maxim Vengerov and Anne Sophie Mutter to name a few and that's not all, included are original articles as way back as 1896 concerning THEIR violin heroes like Eugene Ysaye, Issac Stern, Yehudi Menuhin, George Enescu and Fritz Kreisler and more. GOD!!!! What a wonderful reference for my forever growing music library of cds, dvds, books and scores!!!!!!! How can any serious, aspiring violin student, youth or adult resist such a God send material!!!

I like to think about the "family tree", those stories of great teachers who not only passed on their formidable skills and imparted the passion of the art of violin playing. In fact, I had in my own library books after books on violin mastery. My favourite "teacher" is Leopold Auer who taught Efrem Zimbalist, Mischa Elman, Jasha Heifeitz (who looked a bit like my late grandpa who played the chinese violin or erhu) and Toscha Seidel amongst others and out of these famous players came many generations of well sought after teachers who are currently head and directors of many a conservatories.

Even my beloved David Garrett had had many great teachers. As a youth he learnt from Ida Haendal, whose major influence was George Enescu. And while at Julliard School in New York, David's teacher, the legendary Itzhak Perlman named David Oistrakh, Fritz Kreisler, Nathan Milstein and also Jasha Heifetz as major influences in his playing. Indeed great teachers produced great pupils who went on and became SUPERSTAR violinists.

Then my thoughts went to my first and current teacher Amy. She's younger than me and performs mainly easy listening pieces for functions, teaches kids as young as 2 and adults and is a violin collector as well. I feel blest already. To be able to relate to a teacher as a friend. Amy subsequently became Rachel's teacher as well and taught her even when she was still a screaming, tantrum throwing toddler under 3.

Time flies. It's been 2 years since that fateful afternoon July 2007, at the Paragon shopping centre where Yan had asked me to take Rachel to that "Free" album promotion event. Words aren't enough to say that I was totally blown away, by David Garrett's sheer good looks, model built and the beautiful, enchanting melodies from his heart stopping US$4m Stradivari named San Lorenzo. Dare i say, his super performances transformed, inspired and empowered me, a full time home-maker, to courgeously take up violin lessons and start the muscial life journey that I had always wanted as a child but did not had the support of parents and resources in my youth.

My life is never the same again. Thank you Jesus! Yan and David, you two, my sincere gratitude.

Of wheels and parenting

After church service at Suntec City, yan and I proceeded to Carrefour and bought Rachel her first bike, one of those four wheels type with a matching red helmet to go along. So, we had to cut short the usual weekend shopping to bring the bike home in a cab. To do that, we had to carry her little bike and walk through the Mazda's Roadshow event where all the latest Mazdas 2, 3, 5, 7 and the convertible were on SALE. Rachel wanted a red convertible while I was wishfully thinking that perhaps one day I will drive a tiny Mazda 2, instead of taking cab everywhere since my secondary school days. (When mum was too busy to drive me about).

I had obtained my driving licence in 1995 long before I went to Europe for the ultimate 32 days tour and before I had graduated from NTU. My dad had promised me a car, probably one affordable second hand model should I pass my driving test. I did. BUT, he did not honour his words. "No la, no money already LAH!" was his standard reply. I was so incensed deep within, ONCE AGAIN, he made another promise, not intending to keep at all. The good kid in me kept all that anger, frustrations and disappointment deep within. Sadly its that same reply throughout my growing years. My family never visit the zoo, science centre or anyway except those awful Kusu island pilgrimages where my taoist family prayed.

"I will get a proper job, save up for my own car," I said to myself. Unfortunately due to unfavourable job market conditions, I eventually worked as an auditor with a starting pay of only S$1300, net of 20% CPF contributions and my parents wanting at least $500 monthly maintenance, insurance, church tithes etc I had to dip into my savings almost every month. How to save for the fine set of wheels????? I never did. I figured its easier to get around in cabs everyday and everywhere until the Asian Financial Crisis which made public transport by bus and train a part of my everyday life.

So, with the bike, I was prepared to help Rachel cycle at the estate premises for a start. Rachel, however was so natural with it, cycling, circling, slowing, stopping the bike that we ended the day at the beach, with me running after her for a long time, till I had blisters from the sandals I was wearing. Like me as a kid, she is fond of music and good in sports. We also detol washed and cleaned her tricycle together as baby Lynn, my brother Ron's youngest girl will be taking over the still in good condition pink 3 wheeler with a nice purple rear basket meant for 2+.

It seemed like yesterday when we bought Rachel this tricycle, wanting her to exercise at home, then Mandarin Gardens studio apartment. It was only $49.90, could be folded for easy storage and looks like a fun thing for an active toddler. Rachel liked it immediately and like all toddlers, they started to learn by pedaling backwards. Before long, she was complaining that the tricycle was too small for her long strong legs when she cycle about in the Neptune court balcony to water her sunflowers. Of course, we understood. Its time to UPGRADE.

My parents never help me learn to cycle. I remembered asking for a bike year after year until I gave up. I did had a pair of roller skates eventually. Then roller blades. My first bike an embarrassing BMX was bought by my dad when I told him I need a bike to get about the campus grounds. Needless to say, I was too shy to ride it in school and it soon had deflated tyres and rusting parts. I know he loves me but he did not give the appropriate gift that I needed and wanted. Why would I, 19 going on 20 want to ride a BMX for a young teen????????

Anyway, while Rachel chose her bike, I tried on roller blades and pondered the possibility of blading again. In me, there is this "need for speed" syndrome that never wore off since a child. The last time I was blading, this super fast pair of used metroblades bought for $100, I was in the FCBC church cell, in my early 20s, and I had plenty of glazes since I did not wear protection pads and helmet. One time I fell so hard and bruised my lower back, not being able to walk properly for a week, not forgetting I blacked out for a few seconds while hurting my head. In the end I had to sell these cherished blades due to mum's advice (read nagging). Hahaha

Dreams and reflections

I woke remembering my late mum. She had died last year after losing her 4.5 year fight against colon cancer. The scene I saw was when Yan and I went back to Sengkang and she prepared her last meal for our family. As she laid the plates rather heavily on the table, she remarked in Mandarin, "Mummy will not be cooking any more!". Those words stung me, (not sure Yan felt it), but we all knew she knew she was dying and leaving us and wanted to cook for us, one last time. It was her way of indicating that the final goodbye was fast approaching. Sigh (breathe heavily).

I love my mother. I looked up to her since I was a kid. She was this super woman who had 4 children within 4 years, overdue me and pre-term twin brothers plus an "accidental" younger sister and my mother also did the chores, supervised our homework, hit us often when we mishaved and for me when I "talked back" too while helping dad managed the food store that sold Teochew fishball noodles. There were also extreme hardtimes when she had to care for almost 10 years my bedridden, amputee grandfather with his horrendous temper and later my grandmother who suffered stomach carcinoma. Watching her, I learnt much though I remain squeamish with all things blood and gore and pain and suffering. I am probably pro euthanasia due to my compassionate side, and had prayed before that the good Lord end the suffering of some in my lifetime.

I love it that with Rachel, my only kid, I am able to spend much quality time with her, coaching her, shopping even playing Lego, Playdoh or painting or making crafts with her. I truly enjoy the time we spend together, singing, watching youtube, completing puzzles, hugging, kissing and tickling. With my mum it was serious business since I was young. I exist to help her with my younger siblings. I was the extra pair of hands and legs she needed to clean the house, to prepare the ingredients and to fetch my younger sister home from school (pri one). Rain or shine, whether I like it or not, it was my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to fetch my sister home from Boon Keng Primary School several streets away. I know my mother loves us all but never equally. Uppermost on her mind were her pre mature twins now all grown fathers with kids on their own; then my sister, the youngest, who had so much liberty and stuff that I had to fight long and hard for being the eldest. I remembered wishing I was the only child, perhaps I could have more things, parental love, happiness and rest included.

In church, God placed a outcast on my path. I love being in a church and my first church was literally made up of two big families. What I love most was the singing of hymns and choruses, then fellowship and the feasting afterwards and then the bible knowledge part. Well, God gave me a compassion for julie. I had to be her friend even though she was so different from me. We grew up for almost 17 years and in the process she spoke better English, became more confident and sociable, had better hygiene and grooming and became more grounded in faith I hope. I was her age but at the same time I was her mother, sister, teacher, leader, motivator, encourager and last but not least companion. At the risk of being mistaken as a lesbian couple, since she was with me all the time, I brought her to my various class outings, chalets, BBQs, karaoke and other gatherings so she could have more friends. My mother did not like me hanging out with a "loser" like her, but over the years she saw that the church had "made" julie quite "ordinary" a kid, my faithful friend over the years.

With julie, I became less of an elitist in thinking. Afterall, all my friends were in SAP schools and had businessmen, doctors, lawyers as parents. I actually felt inferior that my dad was only a foodseller but became proud and supportive of him as I learnt about God, my heavenly father in the church. With Julie, my patience level went up and I became less impetuous and choleric. In a way God trained me to teach and impart using her as a prototype of sorts, which I later found useful in counselling wayward youths and inspiring others.

It's fun being a natural leader in everyway. I am better in everything and i could not help but notice the resentment in her many nagging and complaints. But still, it was not until she began to copy my fashion sense, (in those days mid 90s I shop in Hong Kong and was ahead in fashion and gadgets) that I began to feel stifled. I scolded her for copying me and caused the first rift to happen. Then the unbelievable happened. We both moved on to FCBC, a spirit-filled church in Marine Parade area and fell for the same guy in the worship ministry. Wilson, the houseman. She went for the looks, I was definitely won over by his singing tenor voice and the fact that we had known each other earlier in college when he was the flutist in the VJC band where Teck was one of my buddies along with Winston. Coupled with the fact that his outlook tallies with my dreams of many years, needless to say, I was head over heels. Not quite myself near him.

In my heart, I would never give way but I felt God telling me not to worry about this guy. He will provide. In the end, Wilson chose to turn me down in an email!!!!!!!though he hardly bats an eyelid for the other. Coldblooded doctor indeed!!! (exactly what my mother had warned studying his facial features -those thick bushy short brows) HAHA. My friendship with julie went on but in my heart, I often cried out to God for someone more on par, IQ, EQ, SQ (spiritual quotient) and MQ (musical quotient) wise for a true BBF (best friend forever). It came in the form of Melina, and later Yan whom I married and had rachel with.

With Yan, my poetic and sentimental side are well nourished. With him who played the piano so beautifully and sings so well, my heart is ravished. I admire him deeply and felt connected to him. He's so comfortable and relaxing to be with. What a great blessing! To love him as a husband and the father of rachel!!!!!!!!

With him, it was as if I became Anne Boleyn who said to the King Henry VIII, "Write me letters and poems. Ravish me with your words. Seduce me." I trust God he will never behead me!!!!!!

Some updates

Some recent happenings:

I am on twitter, having been inspired by the grand dame Elizabeth Taylor herself. So far, I am following David Garrett (part his agent perhaps) anyway, its nice to know the latest happenings like the new cd Classical Romance which boasts of many of my favourite composers : Rachmaninoff, Mendelssohn, D'vorak etc.

I had lunch with "Uncle Eugene" with rachel of course. Eugene was my vocal leader in the FCBC worship team for many years. He's now a worship leader at his church and works in Trumpet Praise Parkway branch. Still the same old uncle except getting near sighted. After the quick lunch, I pondered the possibility of a ex FC worship team gathering in my place. Who should I invite?? How many will turn up??? Should it be a thanksgiving thingy or Christmas event?????? Thankfully Yan loves gatherings as well, so we'll decide later. Boy, I can party all day type. I can play violin and read all day too......as long as there is good coffee to accompany me. Coffee relaxes me even more. I love to start the day with a nice cuppa. Though I rarely need the afternoon fix unless I am shopping of course, just to relax further and make that day extra special.

Just cooked stir fry beef with onions and leek and sambal kang kong with ingredients costing only $3.58. Shockingly cheap from Giant supermarket, my kid's choice today but the queuing almost killed me.....more than 10mins and my lower back ached a bit since I had forgotten to wear the posture correcting Fitflops. Conclusion, I must live near Cold storage, where the fresh ingredients and speedy service sans the DIY weighing beckons me daily. How much will my family save????? we take the bus and cab to parkway almost daily. Its about 5 bus-stops away. Siglap centre is nearer but its so small and old a mall. Then marine terrace its worst!!!! I am just not the wet market and mama convenience shop type. The last time I tried to buy something from the wet market, it was a headache since I do not bargain and I missed the convenience of price tags and use by dates.

Yan thinks we should move to Holland area. It has everything, banks, eateries and shopping and all the beautiful landed and non landed apartments. In 3 years time, new creation church will relocate to One North, buena vista area, in the west and going to church and town will be so much easier. I, on the other hand, prays that by then, our family is ready for overseas living. I am so wanting to live in Europe, particularly London and Paris where everything from the weather, the food, the entertainment, the scenery, the people, the languages, the history, the culture, the museums is drawing my heart.

Tudors Fever

Ha........i keeping late nights again. No, its not the late feeds (pray NEVER!!!!) nor the stress of studying for exams when I am most mentally productive BUT I am catching up with BBC TV dramas. TUDORS.

I chanced upon the Season 2 series in Borders and now I am watching an episode or two before I allow myself to rest for the night which is early morning 2 am anyway. Season 2 starred my favourite Hans Matheson as Thomas Cranmer, the Archbishop of Canterbury and he was said to be secretly married with not one but two wives. Scandalous!!!!! But this "nobody-obscure cleric" was exactly what the handsome Majesty Henry VIII needed to help nullify his marriage to the his wife Queen Katherine of Aragon and marry the ever beautiful Lady Anne Boleyn he was obsessed with. Anne was rumoured to have a very shady past and BBC wastes no time to show us her rendevous with a certain poet, Thomas Wyatt in Episode One........HAHA.

Historically Anne Boleyn had had many lovers growing up in France but she denied Henry VIII sexual favours he craved. Eventually it evolved into a "Queen or nothing" thingy where she was eventually crowned Queen of England. STRATEGY INDEED!!!!Most people especially the Roman Catholic Church refused to accept her marriage to the King, let alone her coronation as Queen when the marriage to Queen Katherine was still valid in the eyes of the law and the church. Needless to say not many attended nor celebrated at her coronation led by the Archbishop Cranmer.

King Henry VIII was deeply infatuated with Anne Boleyn who was described as short slim with a long neck, olive skin complete with dark eyes and hair. She had a sharp witty tongue and the royal couple quarrelled much even in the presence of the many servants. The LOVE that King Henry VIII had for Lady Boleyn was attested to the fact that this guy who did not like writing much wrote some 17 love letters to her. I read one and would like to read the rest. They are currently preserved in the Vatican Library.

Actually J'adore men who "hold the pen and write their hearts" whether the outcome is a song, or a poem or a plain speaking letter, it speaks volumes to my soul which yearns to feel, to connect, to understand, to love etc.

Both Mozart and Beethoven wrote much to their love ones, in the case of Beethoven, he wrote to his Immortal Beloved- exactly who no one knows!!!! But with such tenderness in his words : " love me-today-yesterday-what tearful longings for you-you-you-my life-my all-farewell-. Oh continue to love me-never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved L. Ever thine-ever mine-ever ours." One cannot help but *swoon*

Oh Yan wrote me a birthday card too, kind of suggesting "being together" we were only best of friends then, platonic to the core, looking back, I think it sort of catayles our relationship. Hee He hit the right spot!!!!! My sentimental heart that I tried to conceal by projecting the "brainy"size but still everyone can SEE i've got more heart and brains. If I can find this card again, its somewhere in this 1636 sq ft unit, I will read it again and feel "high". Hahaha

Back to Tudors, Anne gave in to the irresistibly charming Henry and became pregnant with Elizabeth who then became the Virgin Queen due to Henry VIII Act of Succession. Despite consulting astrologers and timing the conception, the royal couple did not succeed in conceiving a son they wanted badly as heir so DO NOT waste time on such strategies. Hee

I must say I like Jonathan Rhys Meyers as the handsome (he's definitely worth ogling!!!!!HAHAHA) licentious, passionate, blood thirsty King that forever changed the history of the church. In his ardent pursuit to legalise his marriage to his mistress Anne Boleyn, he started the Church of England where He is the supremacy of the church. This audacious move was frowned upon by commoners and angered Rome- the headquarters of the Catholic Church. At that time the Catholic Church was no better in terms of beliefs and morality, but God in his grace, caused the Christian faith to flourish even as Henry's reign brought about the printing press. From then on, the Holy Bible was made available to everyone in print and even lay people could "connect" with their Heavenly Father themselves in devotion and prayer. Previously, only the clergy could access the Holy Scriptures in Latin and as usual offer prayers through the priest via Holy Mary, Queen of Peace!

Hallelujah!!!

With much nudity and sex scenes, I was told that Season One is banned in Singapore!!!!! The latest season 3 is with the Board of Censorship and I pray it will survive uncut to the stores that are wise enough to carry the dvds. After all season 3 deals with Henry VIII's true love??????? Jane Seymour. God he had so many women!!!!! A total of six wives, it pales in comparison to King Soloman in the Bible who had 1000 wives and concubines. They are so highly sexed!!!! Must have experimented with everything!!!!!! Jane Seymour was the third wife of King Henry VIII. She was the only one who bore him a son and she died some 12 days after the long and arduous birth. Jane Seymour was never crowned!!!!! Clever Jane kept a much lower profile knowing how the other queens had perished.

Modern science tells us that it is the male species that determined the sex of their next generation. So I really pity Anne Boleyn who believed she was carrying the royal heir and made every preparation to welcome the birth of a "prince". In those days they even prepared to name the prince in advance,the names "Edward" or "Henry" were considered and favoured. In the end, it was a GIRL!!!!!!! Anne had a subsequent miscarriage due to stress. She knew that her failure to produce a living male heir was a threat to her own life even as she was aware of fact that the King had fallen for yet another lady in waiting of hers- Jane Seymour.

Then quite suddenly, her best friend confidante and musician Mark Smeaton and her brother George Boleyn were arrested and tortured into giving "revelations" about her. On charges of adultery, incest and plotting to kill the king, she and her brother were tried and beheaded at the Tower of London, after denying all charges and having delivered a speech.

In those days, some even believed Anne Boleyn dabbed in witchcraft and had bewitched the King into lewdness. There was an argument of her having 6 fingers in one hand and large moles on the neck. Still she must have been a real beauty and brains coupled with eloquence type that many miss world and miss universe are found lacking. Anne's body and head were first buried in a arrow chest in an unmarked grave near the tower of London. During Queen Victoria's reign, renovation of the chapel identified her body and it was given a resting place-marked on the marble floor. RIP Anne Boleyn

I don't know about you.......But I am intrigued with the Tudor dynasty -One of the most dramatic and exciting times historically.

Family Parties

I lurve parties. I love hosting them and attending all types of parties........really!!!!!!

I remembered in my childhood days, being the eldest of 4 kids, i would look forward to "organising" snack parties for my siblings to commemorate their name days. It started with some chocolates and sweets and progressed on to birthday cakes!!!!!! It was so fun!!!!

Just yesterday, during the Hari Raya holiday, I organised our premiere Durian cum Children's Party. I like the before party preparations that included cleaning the entire house sans any help (if the house gets any bigger, the servants are a must!!!!). Rachel loves the shopping for party accessories, her favourite the banners and the balloons plus her compulsory party hats. And of course, gifts for the kiddos.

Dad bought some $80 worth of creamy D24 which almost all adults chomp greedily. There were card games, Monopoly and jigsaw puzzles for the children from 2-7 and the excitement of yet another niece due this coming mid Nov. I particularly enjoyed my little nieces trying their hand on music, be it on Yan's piano or Rachel's violin. I played my D'vorak's Humouresque while Rachel performed her favourite Hot Cross Buns to humour the little ones.

Thankfully Yan did not miss out on the durian party and afterwards the Jumbo Seafood dinner. The only person "missing" was mum who liked parties and huge family gatherings. She had passed on last March due to late stage cancer.

Still, there is a season to grieve and a season to celebrate!!!!!!

I really believe God will bless our family with a big house complete with swimming pool and sprawling garden. In time to come, we will have family parties complete with mini concerts. God knows how much I love preparing for parties and even the cleaning afterwards!!!!!!! I just love to be a hostess....not the mid air type. Pity them, they had to push heavy trolleys and put up with out-dated thick make up and hair do. Not forgeting dealing with semi drunken passengers and those who mis-behaved for whatever reasons.

Now I am taking a break.......... soon, there is the annual Christmas shopping and family party. God is good.

Home-schooling basics

Rachel is 4 now and after almost 2 years of home-schooling, I am satisfied with the outcome and the journey that our family had started together. I want to take this opportunity to reflect and share some home-schooling tips which may come in handy for those considering this wonderful option of educating and nurturing their children.

Its a joint decision
First of all, we decided to home-school Rachel at the time when my mum was critically, terminally ill with cancer and I wanted to spend time with her and my only child. Whilst at a nearby child care centre for almost 10 months, we were frustrated that Rachel, a breast-fed child was falling sick almost weekly and even having to be hospitalised for 3 times due to rotar virus, bronchitis and hand injury. There goes part of our fortune for she was treated in the private hospital where she was born via emergency caesarean. It was a emotional struggle for the child to leave me for child care every day.

The moment I took over the full time care-giving, Rachel became active and healthy and a much happier kid. Boy, whatever I taught her, be it games, puzzles, English, French, Mandarin, she was able to absorb well like a sponge. She already knew her alphabet and could read before she was 2. She was also able to identify many classical music pieces, including the different movements and was especially fond of drawing and painting.

Although my immediate attention was on my sick mum, helping her with household chores, medication, dressing changes and meals etc, nevertheless I was able to connect with my child and spend quality time learning and playing with her each day.

I can teach and impart!
I must say that I am not the type that aspires to be a teacher . Having said that, however, the many years spent helping out in the church nursery, sunday school and even baby sitting my old neighbours grand kids when I was a teen sort of fashioned me. I can be very patient. I know how to motivate children and inspire them. Giving one to one tuition and counselling youth in my older days also helped me hone the interpersonal and communication skills.

I enjoy spending time with her!
Still, the best part is I enjoy spending time with my own child and learning together. I am remembering my long forgotten mandarin, writing characters , consulting the dictionary and then there is French, which we both loved to learn using all sorts of materials that range from sticker books to cd roms to french movies.

There are many types of materials available
With the help of reward charts, checklists, a bit of mind map and time-table, we are crusing well, learning every day, languages (English, French, Mandarin), Math, Science, Bible, and Art and Music, Good habits. Games and so on.

Lessons can take place anywhere
Now that my mum had passed on last year, I still take Rachel with me to my dad's place weekly to keep him company and to help with the chores. The journey to the North eastern part of Singapore can take a total of 3 hours on public transport to and fro and really, we could complete word puzzles, learn a Chinese character or two and read books and magazines.

One of our favourite places to study is the restaurant while waiting for the food the be served. And of course there are those coffee moments when I unwind with a cuppa while I coach Rachel math or even magazine activites. Her current favourite magazines are Favourites, Cars and Disney Princess though we buy comics as well. We are now loving the Manga drawing phase and singing along with the Disney princesses. Previously she loved the Playhouse Disney mag but it was meant for toddlers as she would say.

Well-being is not compromised
Rachel sleeps well each night, usually about almost 1230pm, sometimes later. Unless she is very tired from an outing, she would be very interested to learn in the night, activity books like Grammar, Writing and Math. In the morning she would usually wake at 10am, well refreshed for breakfast and Okto. Like me we prefer to warm up and rev up throughout the day.

Without a domestic helper or any part time cleaner, Rachel accompanies me on grocery shopping, shopping, concerts and almost any other errand that I need to run and she learnt to post herself a letter, exercise daily (mostly overhead bridges, stairs and stretches, running) pay for her own purchases, Ben 10 stickers, magazines and ice-cream and order her own food. She loves to make her own decisions like her dinner preferences and what she want to buy.

She eats when she is hungry, goes to the toilet when she needs to and wears comfortable clothes all the time. She tells me she loved being home-schooled when she can wake late and avoid the hot sun and the nasty, over-crowded public transport. Ha

There is no lack of social interaction with other kids
Other than attending children church each sunday, Rachel also mingles with many other students that take piano lessons and those at her violin teacher's place as well. With so many cousins and children playing with her often, she does not lack any friends, though it was obvious that she preferred hanging out with the older boys.

Focus on her strengths and interests
It is very clear to us our kid loves art and enjoys music. Being musicians ourselves, it is important that Rachel develops a passion for making music herself. I am glad to say that she is keen to sing and we are taking music lessons seriously for life.

Sans Neighbours

It was 10pm. I would think that it was considered still early for most Singaporeans. Well, Yan was trying to practise Bach's Toccata in E minor when we heard a loud bang from the floor. It was from the neighbours from the unit directly below us and I know they dislike music. He stopped practising, he hardly started actually since he came home rather late these days.

Last week, I was watching Beethoven's Violin Sonatas by one of my favourite violinists Anne Sophie Mutter. The TV was not at all loud, since I dislike loud music as well, but I heard the same neighour, the often fighting middle age couple who often belittled the maid and teenagers and each other with emotional black mails, shouting from the balcony, something like "Stop the F...... music" I gathered they must hate classical music!!! or any form of music.

So, these episodes created in me a greater desire to practise during the day, and also a deeper longing for a dream house complete with a garden and pool, near amenities but without any neighbours.

To be frank, musicians need time and space to hone their skills. It was only of recent months that I decided that our family need to stay in a big house on the ground level. Its more practical for the Grand piano that I know we will eventually purchase, not a baby grand but a concert one. Afterall, piano movers charge $100-1000 per level depending on model and Yan had this friend an economist with a foreign bank who bought a $78000 grand piano from overseas and had it set up on the 13th or 18th floor of HDB flat!!! He was a well paid banker indeed who like most in banking did not have the luxury of time to practise much on this expensive grand. I really wonder if the piano is still around??? still in tune??? Is it for cheap sale???????? Hee

It's been a year since I stepped into a swimming pool or a children's pool to frolick with Rachel. She had asked for a house with her own giant Little Tikes playground and pool and I believe God will surely bless her in these aspects. God loves to answer the prayers of these little ones.

Just a few days ago, I dreamt I was inside a large house, coming down from the stairs and in the large hall with high ceiling, many chandeliers, beside a huge grand piano where Yan was practising was a HARP. GASP....who was playing the harp???? I wondered aloud in my dream and woke feeling great.

This is one of my several dreams concerning living in a big house. long before I actually wanted to. I am a high rise lover. I now have this image of a big double storey house, with sprawling lawn and many rooms, garden and pool and the only thing I am not sure is whether the house is in Singapore????. I would not mind if its in Europe of course. London suburbs or France.

In fact, I would very much prefer Rachel to grow up among the rich architecture, music, art and culture in Europe. Perhaps fashion too!!!

Thank you Lord Jesus, for being our steadfast provider who always provides in abundance. With him, our dreams can be reality. AMEN

Violin Upgrade

God is amazing!

I remembered at the start of this year, I asked him for a better violin. It wasn't that the current one was lousy but naturally as one progresses on learning to play the violin, one becomes more "Critical" of it. Even though I had no budget for it, I asked anyway for a better violin, I meant a non Chinese violin with a better tone.

Towards the end of August, I found myself praying often for a violin since my teacher, an avid violin collector herself, with some 20 over violins including antique italian ones, EXHORT me to upgrade mine.

SUDDENLY, a rare opportunity came. A cash-strapped violin dealer asked my violin teacher to help sell a 100 over year old German copy of the double purfling Maggini. The old instrument sounded good and mellow and despite the many repaired cracks and scratches, it was going for half its estimated worth. I sold my unit trusts and bought it immediately and a light-weight case as well. What attracted me was the deep mellow singing VOICE that both my teacher and I liked. Its so much more enjoyable to practise on this old fellow than the 2004 also German made Sandner.

Other than upgrading the violin, I need to upgrade the bow one day. The current Chinese bow being weak and too light, (it was bought to help me recover from a shoulder injury-rotar cuff tendonitis, GOD had completely healed me since then) the weak bow just did not draw out the rich tones as effortlessly as my teacher's $1500 German bow. Anyway, my current budget was sufficient for the new violin and bag and I prayed that God will help me sell the first beginner model complete with accessories so I may upgrade my bow and perhaps get another one of those BABIES with 4 strings. I believe the God who supplied the violin will surely bless me with a suitable buyer for this current violin as well. Of course, I am going to tithe the proceeds with gratitude.

Already I am eyeing another American violin with a saccharine sweet sound and it seems to complement the German Maggini copy. They are like a pair of twins that I could not decide which to keep, so I decided to buy BOTH. So far, the mellow one was paid up in full and the next will be paid in instalments, in time for my next birthday. Thank you Lord!!!

This is so fun!!!! I commit to my Lord the dream of being a avid violin collector myself and I really would like to loan these expensive instruments to top musicians and help them and the violins stay in top form.

God humoured me with a dream. In it I was holding, examining in my own hands, a 1741 Guarneri del Gesu. I tried to played it in the dream. It was so surreal. The next day I found out from the internet that this violin, was once played by Yehudi and Vieuxtemp was not played for some 70 years until a wealthy Russian lawyer 35 years old bid for it for a staggering US$3.9 million in March 2008 and had its debut concert played by Phinas Zuckermann. WOW...imagine owning this one day. GASP!!!!!!!!

My teacher Amy, was surprised that my dream was so "exact". She prefers the 1742 model by the same maker known as the Canone. Anyway, nothing is impossible with God, my passion is in music and the art of making music and I want to contribute to the world one day, instruments and music.

Heeding the call

I am going to get really busy soon. Nope, I am not having another kid. In fact, the project that I am getting into is so exciting and HUGE. The notion of it all had already started the adrenalin rush and late last night, yan and I were busy selecting the exam pieces.

Yes, I am going to learn piano playing as well. And perform for the various examiners!!!! NO gasping, for to me, making a musical instrument sing is so much less tedious than crooning myself.

I've explained before that since I was a young child below 10, I was fascinated with music and the out of tune piano that I get to tinker on once in a blue moon at my mum's foster aunt's place in Katong. Then at the various church camps I tried to learn how to play the piano from the many reluctant kids that knew how to play the lower grades mechanically. My parents however, discouraged learning music due to financial constraints and more so, believing music will distract me from studying hard and getting the all too important degree needed to upgrade the family financial and social status.

At the first cross-road in my life at 17, I wanted to study music but was told off by both my practical no-nonsense parents and the then church pastor. "What's the point???" "You did not start out as a kid like others do." "You will NOT succeed!!!, You will NOT earn enough for a living!" It sounded like a curse from the previous leader that I respected much and worked alongside with, having volunteered years of unpaid service-including hard labour like painting and fixing the wall lights. But of course, he meant well. Like my parents, he believed in the "security" of having a university degree.

So the story goes that for the sake of inner peace, I completed my Accountancy degree, worked as an auditor initially but left to do insurance sales so as to have time to pursue music. Whatever little I learnt, I was not content but with limited resources more time than money, I was able to make minute progress and serve God with the little I had, mainly in the worship ministry as a vocalist and part of the choir which I hated. I am definitely more of the soloist type. Needing much the space and the freedom to express myself artistically.

What's my destiny in life??? What's God's will for you in life??? What do you felt drawn to??? Such questions inevitably prompt my heart to cry out "MUSIC". I want to learn music. I want to experience music and grow up learning music. It's more than "missing childhood education" thingy , its like I truly believe that's my purpose in life, including knowing my Saviour at a young age and having my own family. Without heeding this strong call in my heart, I would die so unfulfilled and miserable.

While many in the church and my family too, balked at the idea of me an adult learning music, Yan was the only one who believed in me and encouraged me much. With him, I felt I can BE MYSELF- no matter how ridiculous the idea may be- concerning me seriously studying music. He provided the resources and also helped much with the learning process.

So, finally, at the age of 34 (in 2007) when Rachel was almost 2, I started learning the violin which I love and now at 36, I will tackle the pianoforte. Challenging???? You BET. Let's put it this way, its something that I WANT to invest my life, finances and time in so much more so than the unpredictable stock market. The music clefs appeal to me more than the $ sign.

I know that with God, all things are possible and his grace will see me through this life journey. Thank you Father God.

It's Celebration time!!!!

I am so going to celebrate my victorious 5 years being a full time home-maker. Wow...time flies.

I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew I was the marrying type since I was in secondary school when I literally grew up in a small church full of young families. This is where I learnt to baby sit in the nursery even infants as young as a few months old and learnt to cope with the tonnes of saliva and screamed for the respective mothers when their kids pooed or vomited.

Then I moved on to the children ministry where I had to relate bible stories, make props for "theatre" and lots of art and craft including painting a whole mural on a church wall- Jesus loves the little children. Wish I had taken a picture of it to show rachel now. *sigh* I wouldn't say I enjoy every minute of this ministry but the brain-storming, the decision making and letting my creativie juices flowing. A big YES!!!! I even made "passports" and help the children aged 4-10 "travel internationally -where we stopped over at France, visited the Effiel Tower, sampled "red wine" (ribena) and ate crossiants. Other countries included Japan, China, Italy, Korea???? and Singapore (home). Being a peace loving person, I must say the one thing I HATE about dealing with many children is the NOISE. I get a bad headache and become rather frustrated within afterwards. Noise of any type gets on my nerves, probably the main reason why I prefer only ONE kid. PEACE =HAPPINESS

Later I counselled teenagers, which was not easy since I was quite a busy and goody one and in my early twenties was only a few years older than them. I find it hard to understand their anger, their rebellion, negativity and sexual promiscuity. Then I occured to me, most felt neglected by parents and had dysfunctional homes and though I was not a 100% on good terms with my parents then, I had the vision to excel in school, to do well in work and to help others - to become a better person all the time etc for myself, because life is short, I always want to live it well. Unfortunately, most youth I dealt with thought very short term and suffered much from low esteem, especially so when their parents were absent and they were brought up by maids. This is why I prefer to be a hands on mother to my only child.

The only ministry that I felt a calling towards and derived much satisfaction from was the worship ministry. I love to sing and pounce on the stage, ya...I actually had been performing on stage since my kindergarten days for school anniversaries, concerts and of course getting the various academic achievement awards. I sort of miss the "mike", the "lights" and the "dark audience". HAHAHA. Well, I will return to serve in this fashion which I did for almost 7 years if the Lord wanted me to.

In the meantime, I feel even more drawn towards music-making. I don't know why but I want to learn to play my favourite chopin pieces before I exit from the world. There is this huge dimension in music that I need to explore and grow in for the rest of my life. Nothing is impossible with God. Who knows... I may end up a music teacher or performer. BUT, the more important thing is the sheer satisfaction of making music and the process of learning to do it well



So, here I am, not working for any corporate bitches and in the process slowing becoming one myself. I am living a fuller life nurturing rachel, taking care of the family-meals included, and learning music which is what I wanted to study and excel for the glory of God.

Remembering Heath- Brokeback Mountain

While the world grieves for Michael Jackson, known affectionately as MJ, and I do to a certain extent, more the music than the man, I find myself missing Heath Ledger who died after an accidental drug overdose, last year on 22 Jan 2008, at the tender age of 28.

So here I am watching many of Heath's movies, or works of art I would call it and of course I had to watch Brokeback Mountain (2005) as well. This wonderful love epic between two cowboys was shown in the local cinemas but I was then too busy with newborn rachel, being her full time care-giver. Coincidentally, Heath's daughter, Matilda Rose, with his then girlfriend Michelle Williams was born October of the same year.

Based on the award winning author Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain is a short story ( i read it thrice) about the lives of "two young and lonely country boys with no prospects, brought up to hardwork and privation, both rough mannered and tough-spoken". Well, in their desperation, they found work as ranch hands in the wild, unforgiving summer landscape of Wyoming, became friends and that sudden companionship became a strong bondage that affected their lives even as each went on to start their own families and have children.

The film directed by the award winning director Ang Lee boasts of Heath Ledger as Ennis Del Mar, who was the more reserved among the two. Ennis was brought up by his older brother and sister when his parents died suddenly and at 19 had to drop out of high school to work on the ranch. Jake Gyllenhaal, was cast as the vivacious, romantic Jack Twist that started all these!!!!! Afterall, Jack Twist was the one that started their first gay sex and then after 5 years, went to look up Ennis who was happily married to Alma and had two young girls. Alma De Beers portrayed by Michelle Williams was Heath's serious girlfriend at that time.

There were plenty of endearing scenes in this movie which feels more than a love epic than a gay cowboy film. This is a movie that appeals to mass audiences and connects with us in a way that makes us reflect upon our own relationships.

I am intrigued by the character of Ennis Del Mar. Outwardly, he acts very tough and macho, but he had a lot of fears, as director Ang Lee puts it. He kept his thoughts and feelings to himself and many years later told Jack, who had helped him open up," That summer, when we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate something bad....took me about a year to figure out it was that I shouldn't let you out of my sights....."

My favourite scene, "I wish I knew how to quit you"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTytc_Dfnc totally heart-breaking!!!!!

Then there was another when Ennis's wife witnessed her husband, who is not big on endearments, passionately kissing another man- his "fishing buddy". I would have suffered a cardiac arrest and died on the spot. Its one thing that your husband had an affair with another woman but its so, I don't know what to say, insulting, degrading, horrifying, tormenting, shocking ....to realise that he is in LOVE with another man!!!!!!. That's ultimate betrayal, and for Alma to realise it aint no fishing business, those weekend getaways, with the price tag on the fishing rod still intact after 5 years. Once she attached a note. "hello ennis, bring some fish home, love alma." since her man always come back perky said they caught a lot of trouts but never brought home any. To her horror, the note was intact as well. The fishing rod never touched water. Ennis and Jack were just together, a lot.

I admired Heath. He's such a great actor. In an interview, he said he couldn't care less about the gay labelling. Its acting. Whether you are kissing, a man, a woman or ..... He's so professional about it. Jake revealed that the passionate kissing scene was choreographed to seconds. Anyway, I love the movie, the wonderful directing, and only wished I had watched it on the big screen then. Such a endearing love epic.

U kidding me??????

I am so looking forward to the latest Wang family member. You see, my sis-in-law Christine is pregnant with her third child, another girl due mid nov. The last baby in our family had been Lynn now turning two, already in child care with her brother Luke, adorable kids from my brother Ron.

So....the all too scary question. When is your turn????? I mean, pressure...pressure..pressure....not pleasure....pleasure....pleasure.

I want to take this opportunity to officially declare, as if I had not yet done so, that ONE is ENOUGH for my family of single income sans any form of domestic help.

I consider Rachel a tough birth. While her conception and pregnancy was smooth right up to 5 months, I was pressured to leave work before I was 6 months pregnant with bleeding due to the extremely stressful sales banking job in the bank where working long hours, standing and during weekends was part and parcel of the job. In the end, I lost the maternity benefits. My family struggled with the loss of my higher income at that time and soon my mum was dignosed with terminal stage cancer, needing expensive surgery and chemotheraphy for the next 4 years. Her sufferings finally ended last year in Mar 2008.

It's no joke being pregnant and wondering if your own mother will be around when the child is due. I remembered praying and asking God to please prolong my mother's life so she may enjoy her grand child. God did, sort of, as mum battled cancer, she also received much physical, emotional and financial support from her many children and found her many grand children, a source of comfort and good distraction from the pain and suffering.

Add to that, we could not afford any domestic help. I literally raised Rachel from day one I was discharged from the hospital with the awful c-section. Life was tough, physically, emotionally, financially and somewhat spiritually too. It's a miracle that I went through the 2.5 years of night feeds being essentially Rachel's milk bottle on demand. Yan's a great help but I am still the main care giver. When my child was sick, rota virus, bronchitis etc, or injured, fell off the bed at 4 months, had her fingers slammed twice by the door needing A& E, I was extra, extra stressed out, physically, emotionally and financially. Not forgetting the time when Yan was hospitalised for dengue. To finance the many immunisations that Rachel needed, we also sold our wedding jewellery which I frankly do not care much.

So for several times a week, I often had to travel to sengkang, north east of Singapore, a 1.5 hour journey by bus and train, to care for my sick mum, while attending to the urgent needs of my toddler. Rachel had to be with me whenever I accompanied my mum on her various cancer treatment including the various invasive procedures that required hospitalisation.

How can I ever want to have another kid. I would need super human strength to cope with more chores, more mess and would not have time to give Rachel the best attention and lessons in art and music. Rachel is home schooled. What about our musical pursuits-yan and mine????. $$$$$$$$ wise, we have yet to save up for our own place since the lease of this current haven will expire next year.

Besides, I cannot imagine buying the baby stuff that I had so diligently and desperately ebayed away to raise cash, and start the whole process of suffering all over again. Yan too, felt that one kid is already a huge toll on our finances and lifestyle that went from comfort to sheer basic necessities. To add to that, there is a sick mother in law that is dependent on him, the financial burden of whom gets heavier each day due to medical and old age issues.

The logical thing to do : Be content.

After all, with only one child, the apple of our eyes, Rachel becomes very precious and cherished and blessed with quality toys and lots of attention and parental company.

I am done with child bearing. When I have another $20,000, I would rather buy a better violin and Yan his dream grand piano, the Yamaha c2. But of course, sensibly, we will repay the debts and loans and believe God for our own property.

Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. After all, we are the righteousness of God and as Abraham's seed, we will be and are already being blessed in every way. Merci Mon Dieu.

Parenting with Grace.

Toys. Such a simple word but such a huge effect on kids as well as some adults. I think toys are essential for the growth and development of young children. As it is, our family believe toys are an important part of family expenses, and Rachel gets to enjoy a room, commonly known as the store room or maid's room, dedicated to her toys.

Her first toy was a four note, arpeggio little tikes piano when she was not yet born. It was a gift from her proud and excited dad, along with a Marks & Spencer children's bible and a super cute doggie book mark. I bought many toys for Rachel but I cannot at this moment recall what was the first toy that I had bought her. Was it the soft fabric animals book that had been ebayed away or was it the Fisher Price Bouncing Bongo that had malfunctioned and therefore was trashed. Whatever it was, it does not matter as buying toys from Toy r' us , and other toy departments is part and parcel of almost every shopping or outing we had.

This morning after a Hotcakes breakfast that our princess wanted, we proceeded to parkway parade, our usual hangout for some simple shopping which invariably means buying Rachel's stuff. She bought the Ben 10 Kelvin E Levine character costing $12.95 and some 30 mins later lost it in Borders. She had insisted on taking care of her new toy instead of entrusting it to my bag. When she realised it was lost, she howled so loudly that the entire shopping centre was disturbed. We went on a fruitless search though I knew any pre-school boy would covet it gladly. In the end, the poor mother, that's me, had to deal with her misery.

What would you do??????

My mother would not buy the toy in the first place. But most likely she will scream at me and hit me for being careless, for losing wasting money etc. I tried to reason with Rachel. I explained that if she had listened to me, allowed me to safe-keep her new toy, she would not have suffered this unnecessary premature loss. She wailed all the more louder. Big drops of tears tumbled down her chubby cheeks, one after another. She was clearly upset with herself. I was in a dilemma. Being quite compassionate the person I am, I decided to get her the same toy.

Am I spoiling her???????Most would say yes!!!!!!!! She need to understand and learn the lesson. What would Jesus do???????Or the church that extols parenting with grace???????? What difference it makes, to buy the same toy, to cheer her up and encourage her to be more careful in the future????? We can simply not buy any more toys in the coming month. Or very likely, I can do without many things that I need, premium coffee, cab rides and snacks included. To a certain extent I do have the power, though limited budget to make my child happy again.

I am glad that I did what my heart tells me to do. With the replacement toy, my child learns that she is forgiven and her mother loves her so much as to sacrifice her own needs. Rachel went home happy and cherished. I had the much needed peace.

It's certainly worth NOT having coffee breaks at cafes and snacks for me. After all, I need to have my sexy figure back, before i start to revamp my wardrobe when the finances improve.

Remembering Heath

I must say upfront that casanova types actually repulse me. What's with a guy who had copulated with countless females, even in the name of love and conquest. Isn't he sick??? Like there is something very wrong with his physical, mental and emotional make-up, soul even?????? Thankfully I never know any friend who behaved like a casanova, nor had i encountered any.

Having said that, I must admit I am very drawn to Heath Ledger's portrayal of Giacomo Casanova in the 2003 film Casanova. I first watched it en route to KL on the Aeroline luxury coach. It made the 5 hour journey more enjoyable indeed. Then it was aired on national TV, Mediacorp 5 with all the cuts relating to sex, (actually there was hardly any!!!!) sans subtitles. I was so captivated by the film location, Venice and the music, some Handel some Vivaldi, some original compositions with lots of strings, and Heath Ledger of course, I bought the dvd.

This is the movie that I want to remember the late Heath Ledger by. The romantic comedy which was never nominated for any awards unlike Brokeback Mountain and The Dark Knight that won countless awards, in the latter posthumous. May be its my romantic soul that loves the 18th century Venice with all the paintings, costumes and palazzos. I love movies where there are horses, carriages, swords instead of guns and where the guys wear wigs with ribbons and really elaborate costumes, tights and very chunky heels.

In this beautiful movie, the legendary Casanova, the greatest lover in the world, met his match. The feminist Francesca Bruni who also cross-dresses as a male doctor Giordano and wrote feminists books under the pen name of Bernando Guardi. Francesca (Sienna Miller) was not only beautiful., she was highly intellectual, philosophical and good in sword fighting. She unlike the many countless woman had despised Casanova and refused him despite his many disguises. Casanova fell in love with her. He tried hard to get close to her, risking his life and reputation and the story ends victoriously with true love.

Heath Leger was about 24 when he filmed Casanova. The 1.85 m Australian born, hunky good looker with a memorable deep husky voice was voted 50 most beautiful people in 2001. He's one of those actors who make a mark in the movie industry at a young age and was careful not to be type cast. In 2006, he actually took a year off filming to help raise his daugther, Matilda Rose, whose mum Michelle Williams he met on the set of Brokeback Mountain 2005.

I got these quotes from imdb:

She's (Michelle Williams) my soul mate and we couldn't love each other any more than we do already. We're like two peas in a pod. Matilda is adorable, and beautifully observant and wise. Michelle and I love her so much. Becoming a father exceeds all my expectations. It's the most remarkable experience I've ever had - it's marvelous."

My life right now is, I wouldn't say reduced to food, but my duties in life are that I wake up, cook breakfast, clean the dishes, prepare lunch, clean those dishes, go to the market, get fresh produce, cook dinner, clean those dishes and then sleep if I can. And I love it. I actually adore it. I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.

[about growing up with his mom and his sisters] I learned respect for women, and patience. You grow up with all those women around you...you learn to wait your turn. - Cosmopolitan, June 1998

I don't know about you. But as a woman, I think i like him and what he had said.

Its a pity and shock to me that he would go so soon. Born 4 April 1979, Heath Andrew Ledger left us suddenly on 22 Jan 2008, age 28. He had died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs including painkillers, sleeping pills and anti-anxiety pills in his Manhattan NY apartment in SoHo. It is a known fact that the actor, who won several posthumous awards for his ultimate Joker role in The Dark Knight was a shy person, with difficulties sleeping and overwhelmed with work stress and anxiety for quite sometime.

To prepare for the role, Ledger told Empire, "I sat around in a hotel room in London for about a month, locked myself away, formed a little diary and experimented with voices — it was important to try to find a somewhat iconic voice and laugh. I ended up landing more in the realm of a psychopath — someone with very little to no conscience towards his acts"; after reiterating his view of the character as "just an absolute sociopath, a cold-blooded, mass-murdering clown."

I am saddened by his sudden passing two days after my birthday last year. With his many achievements and great potential, I believe there might be many more Oscars had he not left us so prematurely. His daughter, Matilda was the recipient of the posthumous Oscar currently held in custody by the mum till she turns 18.

I bought the dvd to "own"a memory of Heath Ledger, a great actor. Sigh. Missed him already.

Rachel's violin lessons

Rachel slept. She's tired from an afternoon of shopping. It's her day today. No its not her birthday but I make it a point to make her feel extra special once a week when the meals and the shopping are all about her. You should see the look on her face and her enthusiasm at her violin lessons after which "Rachel's day" commences. It's like the American Idols had a day named after them, Rachel's day is every day she coincidentally have violin lessons with Teacher Amy in the same estate.

Talking about violin lessons. We started Rachel early. A day before she turn 3 last year. I really learnt much both as a student and as an involved parent what it is like to teach a toddler music. I was Rachel's "violin tutor" for 6 months as well, just for experimentation sake. Now she's 4.5 and hardly throws the "I cannot do it", "I want it NOW', "I don't want...I don't want" tantrums. Before you jump to conclusion that we are forcing her to take lessons, I want to state the fact that her tantrums were never about music or violin lessons. It's to do with her moods. Or the fact that she wanted to watch cartoons when it was lesson time.

It was said that Li Yundi's mother removed the TV from her house when her young boy wanted to watch tv instead of practicing the piano. *GASP* I would never do that!!!! I need the TV too, to read the news headlines and to drool over the handsome male leads. HAHAHAH. Yan said that sometimes the parents need to be firm, because he did want to give up piano playing whimsically because his sister tantrumed much and was allowed her way out. But he was tender hearted and understood from his parents perspective and found the joy to carry on.

I think with very young children, we need to have the right perspective. I would not pressure my child until she give up the learning because it had become a torture. Neither should I give in to her whimsical tantrums. You got to think long term. Music is a part of life. Its a language. Mr Shinichi Suzuki, had realised that "all japanese children speak japanese".Music while taught is also caught!..Nobody give up speaking because its difficult or had become a torture to communicate in the mother tongue, be it japanese or english (for us). Whether Rachel "succeeds" in music is not important but that like us she be given the opportunity to appreciate, experience and make music. Music does enrich and ennobles one's life.

Frankly, Rachel is very musical and artistic. And blest with an excellent memory. Besides the family environment is very conducive with yan practising on the piano and me learning the violin. My gut feel is that she will do well musically, I have no doubt about it. Our family who plays and prays together enjoys a high level of fellowship and unity.

Now she look forward to violin lessons with Amy each wednesday. Sometimes when the weather permits, she would ride her scooter or tricycle to her lessons. Often while I was having my lesson with Amy, rachel would have her breakfast and some activity book to keep her occupied for 45mins. We tried to let her watch some cartoons while waiting for her turn but it was a disaster when we need to end the programme abruptly when her turn comes.

Since she like art a lot, Amy now lets her draw freely and it really sets her mood right for music afterwards. At this age, she can sight read some notes and bow on her own. Its amazing!!!!! How you get a kid to hold the violin and the bow which takes a lot of coordination and cooperation from the young child. But Amy was able to guide her ever so patiently a step at a time and lo and behold, one of her 4 year old student Wei Song was captivating everyone at the masterclass, playing Suzuki vol 1's perpetual motion.

Amy shared that the boy's dad was very firm and made sure the boy practiced daily. Er.....I could not do that myself, I mean to practice daily, being the busy multi-tasking home maker that I am. My aim has always been to improve musically on a daily basis and to assist rachel do the same. Thankfully, we are both improving our play and I have learnt to practice with rachel as often as I can enjoying the learning process -our life journey.

The art of prayer

I used to journal a lot. It started in my teens when I had no one to really share my heart with. Well, I have good parents but they are not the type you treat as 'friends'. My considerate self also did not want to burden them concerning my grades or my several crushes or even dreams. What's the point when I risk another nagging or scolding session too????that will upset me even more. Yes, there were friends, church friends but really nobody was 'good' enough for me to share my heart with fearlessly. I decided as a young person to lend others my listening ear and offer my companionship and prayers but choose instead to share my heart only with my Lord.

Writing keeps me sane. It renews my mind and its so relaxing and therapeutic as well. I speak from the heart and admires even my own handwriting. Ha. Through the years, I've moved from complaining to prayer journals that detailed bible verses and yes even dreams that I sincerely believed were from my Abba Father God. The years 1999 to 2002 were mostly difficult entries involving believing God for a marriage partner. They were the most spiritual entries ever with me fasting much and seeking the Lord daily, since I was mostly in between jobs and serving fervently in the worship and prayer ministries.

Unfortunately, these prayer journals were to be the most heart wrenching ones as well. Like a 'unworthy' piece of pottery, God had dashed me to pieces and then melted in the the kiln to re sculpture me in so many ways. Yes I grew by leaps and bounds spiritually, leadership wise too but I was most miserable relationship wise, waiting and believing God for the specific person he told me about on so many occasions- was killing me.

Looking back, it was all so silly of me. To believe that God would prepare a specific person for me and to waste my youthful years 'mourning' and longing for someone not meant to be. It was worse when I read and re read the prayer journal entries, feeling encouraged one moment and devastated the next. It's no fun too, nurturing the feelings I had for this person when I detailed our conversations and even 'moments' in the church ministry or the fact that many things happened as I received one revelation after another- including from church leadership.

In the end, the wisest thing to do was to junk the whole prayer journal. What's the point of hanging on to dreams and even God's promises. It was just too hard for the mortal soul. If its meant to be, it will happen. I will be that some body's wife even though I hardly know him at all. If its not meant to be, I should consciously choose to end all these sufferings and heal and move on. After all, there are billions of men in the world that are probably of good character and suitable temperament and who deserves my love as well.

You never know how many volumes of prayer journals I had shredded with tears in my eyes. It was liken to tearing away a part of my flesh. Then I did too, threw away photos of many guys and the trinkets or 'symbols of love' that were given me. I wanted a clean slate. Though I was never physically involved with any of these guys the emotional involvement was painful enough. Perhaps it was my romantic sentimental soul that loves deeply, too deeply i suppose. I cannot imagine if I had not restrained myself and had burnt my heart all the more. Thank God that through it all, the Lord was my comforter and my confidante.

What's next????????? Now that I am married and am a mother. I am teaching Rachel about praying (communicating) to our Creator God and I thought of starting a Prayer Book. Not again!!!!!!!! Except that this is no complaint journal. Neither is it going to be the God said this or I dreamt that thingy that confuses us sometimes. I wanted to show Rachel that God answers prayers and God is our family provider.

So, we are going to place pictures or articles of the things we are believing God for and enjoy the process of his provision. Some may say we are seeking the hand of God when we should seek his heart - which is for the lost. Frankly, to me seek God means seek God in everything including material and emotional needs and wants.

For example, without any savings and having debts still, in the natural, it seem impossible to have a place of our own. Yan was saying that too much of his income goes to paying the rental of this current 3 bedroom apartment, (actually to the mother in law maintenance as well). We want to believe that God of Grace, will provide us with a home so we need not move every 2 years in search of more affordable rental units. Ideally, the new place comes with the pool and gym and plentiful facilites and amenities near the beach in the East.

The same goes to the dream C2 Yamaha grand piano that Yan wants and the violins that rachel and I need. What about the first family car???? Holidays???? Migration plans???

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.........Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge your harvest of your righteousness. You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God." 2 Corinthians 9:8-11