The art of prayer

I used to journal a lot. It started in my teens when I had no one to really share my heart with. Well, I have good parents but they are not the type you treat as 'friends'. My considerate self also did not want to burden them concerning my grades or my several crushes or even dreams. What's the point when I risk another nagging or scolding session too????that will upset me even more. Yes, there were friends, church friends but really nobody was 'good' enough for me to share my heart with fearlessly. I decided as a young person to lend others my listening ear and offer my companionship and prayers but choose instead to share my heart only with my Lord.

Writing keeps me sane. It renews my mind and its so relaxing and therapeutic as well. I speak from the heart and admires even my own handwriting. Ha. Through the years, I've moved from complaining to prayer journals that detailed bible verses and yes even dreams that I sincerely believed were from my Abba Father God. The years 1999 to 2002 were mostly difficult entries involving believing God for a marriage partner. They were the most spiritual entries ever with me fasting much and seeking the Lord daily, since I was mostly in between jobs and serving fervently in the worship and prayer ministries.

Unfortunately, these prayer journals were to be the most heart wrenching ones as well. Like a 'unworthy' piece of pottery, God had dashed me to pieces and then melted in the the kiln to re sculpture me in so many ways. Yes I grew by leaps and bounds spiritually, leadership wise too but I was most miserable relationship wise, waiting and believing God for the specific person he told me about on so many occasions- was killing me.

Looking back, it was all so silly of me. To believe that God would prepare a specific person for me and to waste my youthful years 'mourning' and longing for someone not meant to be. It was worse when I read and re read the prayer journal entries, feeling encouraged one moment and devastated the next. It's no fun too, nurturing the feelings I had for this person when I detailed our conversations and even 'moments' in the church ministry or the fact that many things happened as I received one revelation after another- including from church leadership.

In the end, the wisest thing to do was to junk the whole prayer journal. What's the point of hanging on to dreams and even God's promises. It was just too hard for the mortal soul. If its meant to be, it will happen. I will be that some body's wife even though I hardly know him at all. If its not meant to be, I should consciously choose to end all these sufferings and heal and move on. After all, there are billions of men in the world that are probably of good character and suitable temperament and who deserves my love as well.

You never know how many volumes of prayer journals I had shredded with tears in my eyes. It was liken to tearing away a part of my flesh. Then I did too, threw away photos of many guys and the trinkets or 'symbols of love' that were given me. I wanted a clean slate. Though I was never physically involved with any of these guys the emotional involvement was painful enough. Perhaps it was my romantic sentimental soul that loves deeply, too deeply i suppose. I cannot imagine if I had not restrained myself and had burnt my heart all the more. Thank God that through it all, the Lord was my comforter and my confidante.

What's next????????? Now that I am married and am a mother. I am teaching Rachel about praying (communicating) to our Creator God and I thought of starting a Prayer Book. Not again!!!!!!!! Except that this is no complaint journal. Neither is it going to be the God said this or I dreamt that thingy that confuses us sometimes. I wanted to show Rachel that God answers prayers and God is our family provider.

So, we are going to place pictures or articles of the things we are believing God for and enjoy the process of his provision. Some may say we are seeking the hand of God when we should seek his heart - which is for the lost. Frankly, to me seek God means seek God in everything including material and emotional needs and wants.

For example, without any savings and having debts still, in the natural, it seem impossible to have a place of our own. Yan was saying that too much of his income goes to paying the rental of this current 3 bedroom apartment, (actually to the mother in law maintenance as well). We want to believe that God of Grace, will provide us with a home so we need not move every 2 years in search of more affordable rental units. Ideally, the new place comes with the pool and gym and plentiful facilites and amenities near the beach in the East.

The same goes to the dream C2 Yamaha grand piano that Yan wants and the violins that rachel and I need. What about the first family car???? Holidays???? Migration plans???

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.........Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge your harvest of your righteousness. You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God." 2 Corinthians 9:8-11