Dreams and reflections

I woke remembering my late mum. She had died last year after losing her 4.5 year fight against colon cancer. The scene I saw was when Yan and I went back to Sengkang and she prepared her last meal for our family. As she laid the plates rather heavily on the table, she remarked in Mandarin, "Mummy will not be cooking any more!". Those words stung me, (not sure Yan felt it), but we all knew she knew she was dying and leaving us and wanted to cook for us, one last time. It was her way of indicating that the final goodbye was fast approaching. Sigh (breathe heavily).

I love my mother. I looked up to her since I was a kid. She was this super woman who had 4 children within 4 years, overdue me and pre-term twin brothers plus an "accidental" younger sister and my mother also did the chores, supervised our homework, hit us often when we mishaved and for me when I "talked back" too while helping dad managed the food store that sold Teochew fishball noodles. There were also extreme hardtimes when she had to care for almost 10 years my bedridden, amputee grandfather with his horrendous temper and later my grandmother who suffered stomach carcinoma. Watching her, I learnt much though I remain squeamish with all things blood and gore and pain and suffering. I am probably pro euthanasia due to my compassionate side, and had prayed before that the good Lord end the suffering of some in my lifetime.

I love it that with Rachel, my only kid, I am able to spend much quality time with her, coaching her, shopping even playing Lego, Playdoh or painting or making crafts with her. I truly enjoy the time we spend together, singing, watching youtube, completing puzzles, hugging, kissing and tickling. With my mum it was serious business since I was young. I exist to help her with my younger siblings. I was the extra pair of hands and legs she needed to clean the house, to prepare the ingredients and to fetch my younger sister home from school (pri one). Rain or shine, whether I like it or not, it was my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to fetch my sister home from Boon Keng Primary School several streets away. I know my mother loves us all but never equally. Uppermost on her mind were her pre mature twins now all grown fathers with kids on their own; then my sister, the youngest, who had so much liberty and stuff that I had to fight long and hard for being the eldest. I remembered wishing I was the only child, perhaps I could have more things, parental love, happiness and rest included.

In church, God placed a outcast on my path. I love being in a church and my first church was literally made up of two big families. What I love most was the singing of hymns and choruses, then fellowship and the feasting afterwards and then the bible knowledge part. Well, God gave me a compassion for julie. I had to be her friend even though she was so different from me. We grew up for almost 17 years and in the process she spoke better English, became more confident and sociable, had better hygiene and grooming and became more grounded in faith I hope. I was her age but at the same time I was her mother, sister, teacher, leader, motivator, encourager and last but not least companion. At the risk of being mistaken as a lesbian couple, since she was with me all the time, I brought her to my various class outings, chalets, BBQs, karaoke and other gatherings so she could have more friends. My mother did not like me hanging out with a "loser" like her, but over the years she saw that the church had "made" julie quite "ordinary" a kid, my faithful friend over the years.

With julie, I became less of an elitist in thinking. Afterall, all my friends were in SAP schools and had businessmen, doctors, lawyers as parents. I actually felt inferior that my dad was only a foodseller but became proud and supportive of him as I learnt about God, my heavenly father in the church. With Julie, my patience level went up and I became less impetuous and choleric. In a way God trained me to teach and impart using her as a prototype of sorts, which I later found useful in counselling wayward youths and inspiring others.

It's fun being a natural leader in everyway. I am better in everything and i could not help but notice the resentment in her many nagging and complaints. But still, it was not until she began to copy my fashion sense, (in those days mid 90s I shop in Hong Kong and was ahead in fashion and gadgets) that I began to feel stifled. I scolded her for copying me and caused the first rift to happen. Then the unbelievable happened. We both moved on to FCBC, a spirit-filled church in Marine Parade area and fell for the same guy in the worship ministry. Wilson, the houseman. She went for the looks, I was definitely won over by his singing tenor voice and the fact that we had known each other earlier in college when he was the flutist in the VJC band where Teck was one of my buddies along with Winston. Coupled with the fact that his outlook tallies with my dreams of many years, needless to say, I was head over heels. Not quite myself near him.

In my heart, I would never give way but I felt God telling me not to worry about this guy. He will provide. In the end, Wilson chose to turn me down in an email!!!!!!!though he hardly bats an eyelid for the other. Coldblooded doctor indeed!!! (exactly what my mother had warned studying his facial features -those thick bushy short brows) HAHA. My friendship with julie went on but in my heart, I often cried out to God for someone more on par, IQ, EQ, SQ (spiritual quotient) and MQ (musical quotient) wise for a true BBF (best friend forever). It came in the form of Melina, and later Yan whom I married and had rachel with.

With Yan, my poetic and sentimental side are well nourished. With him who played the piano so beautifully and sings so well, my heart is ravished. I admire him deeply and felt connected to him. He's so comfortable and relaxing to be with. What a great blessing! To love him as a husband and the father of rachel!!!!!!!!

With him, it was as if I became Anne Boleyn who said to the King Henry VIII, "Write me letters and poems. Ravish me with your words. Seduce me." I trust God he will never behead me!!!!!!