Remembering Mum Part IV

Rachel loves to learn. At 3, she amazes me with her excellent memory especially when it comes to music. Before I made a conscious effort to memorise the Four Seasons by Vivaldi, she already recognises and "sings" in tune, the various sections of each season. She knows whether that music was from Spring (her favourite), summer, autumn and winter.

Apart from watching various cartoons and movies, she enjoys too classics like The Sound of Music, An American In Paris and Nigel Kennedy's Four Seasons. When daddy bought her a dvd featuring little Chinese children at a violin competition, she pointed out to me a few pieces from the Suzuki method book 2 and 4 which i casually listened to occasionally since my focus is to play the songs in book 1 well.

Come to think of it. I had a great memory too as a pre-schooler. I remembered myself repeatedly banging the door in my pink walker with multi-coloured beads. How old can I be??? I remembered too my two brothers playing in a giant cardboard box, they were not walking yet. I am only a year older than them. All these took place where i first lived, in a "bungalow" at Geylang Lor 25, my dad would come home in a special cart like tricycle full of pails of his business tools and ingredients etc to the noisy chorus of the chickens and ducks that my grand parents kept. These memories were from my toddler times as we moved soon to the HDB flats in the early 1975.

As a pre-schooler, I remembered my mum's frustration teaching me to write. Like Rachel now, I have my own way of holding the pencils. I was scolded much especially when I was not good at remembering my chinese characters. Mum made sure I knew how to write and read both Chinese and English before I started kindergarten. She had mistakenly enrolled me a year earlier so I did K1 then repeat K1 as I was too young for primary one and at that time, there were no pre-nursery, nursery, K1 and K2 system as yet. These days we start formal childhood education at 3 years and some kids are still struggling to get off diapers......like our princess Rachel.

Mum is quite Kiasu a parent. Being the eldest I was constantly "psychoed". I remembered she would start the "study time" reminding me that I must do well to attend university or the siblings will have an excuse not to. Its 6 years of primary school, then 4 years of secondary school then 2 years of college then 3 years of university. When I was in lower primary she supervised our school work. I did assignment books way ahead of my class. Inevitably I was one of the smartest, except there was a Richard who was even more advanced as he had an older sibling. So when I was in primary one, sometimes I was completing assignments meant for primary two. Well, my self esteem was very high being often the top girl in class. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were times that I felt a little bored too, learning "slowly" in class.

There was a really slow kid, the result of an incestuous relationship, according to my mum, who sat beside me and had difficulty spelling anything. i did not realise he was retarded and protested when the teacher gave him a STAR for just spelling W after a long time for the word WINDOW. Those days they did not separate the kids and the poor teacher had a tough time managing a class that had vast differences in IQ.

Things got better after my primary 3 streaming, I was in the best class and life became more exciting competing with the like minded. Armed with my mum's education approach of doing more, I did assessment books way ahead of each class to emerge No 2 in the whole of Primary 6.

Thereafter in secondary school, I began to lose my competitive edge. I had come from a neighbourhood school and now in the SAP system, Dunman High, I was really competing with TOP minds. I turned to private tuition for 5 subjects not because I was doing badly but to INVEST and nurture those B grades into A. Thankfully, i did well for my O Levels and was given a GOLD award for 10 distinctions. This award along with many others had long been dumped since they tarnished easily.

Moving on to Victoria Junior College, I kind of became very playful. I preferred to shop, to drink coffee, a little beer rather than study HARD. I now became very distracted or attracted to boys and went out with them often. I studied with them, the SMART way. I worked backwards from their answers and learnt more. I canoed much with some without sun block in between lessons and now I REGRET those impulsive funtimes i had in the sea as freckles and moles started surfacing in my 30s.!!!!!! Whatever happened to my baby smooth skin???? CO2 Laser therapy is so costly. I just spent almost $2k to remove the unsightly skin tags that resulted from pregnancy hormones. And my aesthetician quoted $260 per mole removal. GOSH!!!!! I had so many, of all places on the face, that it could potentially cost me a good violin to look better. WHY?????????

Sadly, I NEVER believe I am beautiful. Sigh. My mother never complimented on my looks. On the contrary she often told me that I am not good looking enough. My sister is more beautiful or so and so's girl is lovely. Although I had a great figure when i was younger 34-25-35 almost like a violin, HAHAHAHAH, my FACE, I felt, let me down. Why so moley, moley, moley? Why did God forget the double eyelids and gave me almond shaped eyes that strangers thought I was from mainland CHINA!!! No wonder I detested anything cheena cheena and operated only in English (sometimes Singlish) platform.

Over the years, many a suitor had complimented on my so called oriental or exotic beauty.What sexy come to hither eyes. But frankly I was never swayed by their words or even the lyrics of their songs. (Aiyo...some songs need to be banned for terrible melodies) Deep within me, I wholeheartedly believed I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH! Whatever my husband think or even Christ thinks, HEY, I KNOW I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH. Its a undisputable FACT!!!!! but its OKAY!!!!. Life goes on and if skin care, diet, make up can enhance beauty, WHY NOT?

No wonder I only feel more beautiful and extra confident when i put on my mask (FULL MAKEUP). Hahaha. And when someone I had allowed myself to fall for declined my friendship in an email, I reckoned I was not beautiful enough for him, afterall I did consider him handsome.

Thankfully Rachel is born beautiful. I can admire her beauty for hours sometimes while she plays or watches cartoons or even naps. She is my consolation, my gift of beauty from my good LORD. And Yan too, is a good-looker who unlike me, is not so particular about the exterior.