For some reasons I was not able to sleep well last night. Reason No 1, rachel was grinding her baby teeth loud and often and I am a light sleeper. Reason No 2, Yan might be swimming in his dreams, he actually propel his feet and move his arms as if he was doing his crawl and the bed shook a little. Earthquake? Nah...its called sleep exercises. No wonder he stays in shape well.
As I stayed awake for the next 1 -2 hours listening to my favourite ipod music, Hilary Hahn playing the Bach concertos, it suddenly dawned on me that I had come full circle where art, music and religion is concerned.
Well, I am the type of kid that was drawn to God in art, music and nature. Even watching the thunderstorm clouds build up and then dissipate as heavy rain fascinate me to this day. That explains why I love staying in my Mandarin Gardens sea view apartment. I like to be close to nature but not so close as to grow trees within the house as a couple did (featured in the papers on Sunday 25 May 2008).
The plants and trees will attract lots of insects and bacteria and as these trees in the house grow they could potentially uproot the house one day. Even minor damages like floor cracking or timber strips getting misaligned will cause tempers to flare and repair costs to escalate. And what about plants withering in the house, not exactly a nice picture to welcome friends and guests unless they are frogs, monkeys, squirrels and snakes.
Anyway, as a child my interests are foremost art and music. I remembered getting a top prize for colouring a alligator in PAP kindergarten and also performing on the K2 graduation concert singing both a chinese and english song. The chinese song was "Xiao Xiao Yang Er Yao Hui Jia" (the little lambs are coming home) along with a sweet rendition of "My bonnie" (often mispronounced as "my body lies over the ocean".....CHOY though i want a sea burial at the end of life's journey.)
Art and music draws me to God, the creator of heaven and earth that both artist and musician glorify in their craft. When I was in Europe, I immersed myself in art museums, especially paintings that depict Christ and angels. Even sacred music like Bach elevates my spirit heavenward, though not all modern rock praise and worship albums can do the same. Some are in my opinion very commercialised, poorly written and just too noisy.
The more I worship God through music, the more I felt the strong heartcry and leaning towards music. I sort of knew I was called to music and had a growing passion for it. But when i do allow myself to share with others, my deepest yearnings, many including my mum, ex-pastors and some friends thought I was nuts. Afterall, I was sacrificing academic and career excellence for the unchartered territority of music in general. "You are too old to learn music.". "Be realistic. Be practical" "you CANNOT make a living doing music" echoes the many so called good advisers.
Coincidently I am now reading Schmann by Eric Frederick Jensen, well in one chapter on the composer's university education, Schmann was described as having a strong dilemma over choosing literature or music as a career. He was good in both and had passion in both. He lingered much undecided while he studied law, which i agree with him was very boring and cold, (i did business and commerical law, yawn....) and practiced much piano and wrote poems and prose. Trouble was his mum and brothers need him to stick to law and help the family financially one day. (sounds all so familiar). In the end, after a series of meetings with some musicians, he decided to choose what was a more elevated path to him, music, much to his mum and brothers disappointment. One brother was so upset he banned all forms of musical instruments in his house, talk about extremist. Ha
When his boyhood piano teacher Johann Gottfried Kuntsch heard from his mum Christiane Schmann on his new career choice, (which included dropping out of law school), he wrote the these words to express support:
When I think of your splendid talent, your ardent love of music which displayed itelf so strongly from your earliest days, your lively imagination, as well as the earnestness, zeal, and tenancity with which you tirelessly pursue your goal...there can be no doubt that with such a splendid union of qualities only the finest results can be expected. In you, the world will number a great artist, and in this Art - to which you dedicate your life---will certainly bring you fame, honour and immortality. This ,honoured friend, is my firm conviction. (Letter of 9 December 1830 in Wolfgang Boetticher)
Wow..I was blown away by the teachers words of encouragement. If I was Schmann himself, I will devote myself to music and not let this dear friend teacher down. I will make him so proud.
Anyway, about my musical longings, well the more I fight it, the more it will come to nag at me, gently then stronger each time the issue was revisited. Its something that I accept that God, my creator had put in my heart in the first place. Like Schmann I deliberated much, though not so much because I was risk adverse but more because I do not want to let my parents down.
I did auditing, insurance sales, banking sales but really though I did well in sales, I was often distracted and disliked much the office environment. Each time I was in between jobs, I would attend this music class or that and secretly wish that the job offer will come later so I can relax and learn music.As a busy executive, with all the projects and deadlines, I had hardly time for proper meals, dates or even the much needed beauty sleep.
"Lead me to learn music, Lord. Give me your support" I remembered praying once while I was still single and suddenly God blessed me with Yan, a worship team buddy turned boyfriend. We married a year later and this master of architecture property executive soon became a professional music educator with a passion to cultivate the joy of music in his students.
Full time motherhood has its perks. Along with Rachel turning 2, I found my instrument, the violin, my voice and friend and started serious lessons within the estate. Even as I start my music journey, I am already rewarded along the way with peace and satisfaction.
In the first half of my life, art and music led me to God and now my Shepherd Lord is leading me, ever-blessing me with a fruitful life journey in music and art.
I've come full circle. Thanks be to God.
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Saturday, 24 May 2008
Nightmare on mum
I had a nightmare last night. In it, a rather weak mum insisted on driving me. She took control of the steering wheel and drove unsteadily uphill for a long time, sometimes way too slow for the traffic as many cars where whizzing past ours. Suddenly, the vehicle swerved out of control and plunged downslope making a unbelievable u-turn. There was darkness and when I came about, I noticed my mum was dead and I was totally unhurt.
This frightening dream seemed to relate to my mum's illness. She was progressing rather slowly for a long time fighting the cancer battle. Although she was greatly weakened by the various chemotherapy and other treatments, she was fiercely independent to the end. Just like the vehicle in the dream, her illness took a sudden turn for the worse since the beginning of this year 2008. Suddenly, my mum is gone.
Well through out my life, mum was always telling me stories about her childhood, some dating and early family life. It troubled her greatly as she did not know for sure who her real parents were having been adopted by our "maternal grandma". From what I was informed, that grandma had miscarried and her husband died in the same year. My mum was given away to her to comfort her by a doctor's family of many children. However, Kim Po, my mum's foster aunt in law, an elderly in her 80s gave a totally different version altogether. There was no doctor dad in the picture but a "gangsterly" mum who chose to abandon my mum at a young age. So my mum was given the chinese name meaning "grace" and "prosperity"
Although she was adopted into Kim Po's family by default since Kim Po's husband's family was very distantly related to that grandma, God had provided mum well with in a loving family environment with many young "cousins" to play and grow up with. She was also given a good education up to Pre-u level. As a young girl of 9 she started various operations to remove some cysts behind her ear. This congentital problem gave her much pain and stress. Every year the cyst would erupt like a huge pimple and spew forth pus and blood. Before the cysts would burst , there would be weeks of pain and sometimes headache making her highly irritable at times.
Mum had several operations but without success. The latest operation was when I was in my pre teens and I overheard my family discussing that the doctor had removed most of the cysts but one the most critical one was resting on the facial nerve and if they would remove it, facial paralysis would result. Mum decided not to risk it. She cared a lot about maintaining her beauty.
So year after year, she would suffer much inconveniences and after I became a believer, I would prayed much for her healing. Eventually, the eruptions became less frequent. Then came the cancer news. Before that she was in the pink of health.
There was this brief episode of a auntie that came to do facials for her at our place. All I know was she sells RVB products and mum would buy to support her friend who was starting out in the beauty business, it was her best friend at that time though I cannot remember her name. One day she asked mum for a loan $5000 which was a huge sum in those recessionary years in the 80s to help her business. Mum gave and my dad was not happy about it since at that time my grandpa was in and out of the hospital for eventually diabetic amputation of a leg.
Shortly after borrowing money from my mum, this "friend" did not return to provide the facial services. In fact all calls went unanswered and eventually mum told me that this cheat had moved as her flat was sold to someone else. Mum was devastated not at the loss of money but the betrayal of trust. Evidently this RVB sales person had planned ahead and conned her of her housewife savings meant for emergencies. She vehemently forbade me to lend money to any friend in the future. I was to exercise much caution when choosing friends and trusting them. She was very sore about it for a few weeks.
Personally, I hope this person will be "punished" for cheating my mum. Whoever she is, if she is still alive, I pray that one day restituition be done in memory for my mum. Donate that $5000 plus almost 20years of interest to those suffering in Sichuan Earthquake or Myanmar Cyclone and make right this wrong.
This frightening dream seemed to relate to my mum's illness. She was progressing rather slowly for a long time fighting the cancer battle. Although she was greatly weakened by the various chemotherapy and other treatments, she was fiercely independent to the end. Just like the vehicle in the dream, her illness took a sudden turn for the worse since the beginning of this year 2008. Suddenly, my mum is gone.
Well through out my life, mum was always telling me stories about her childhood, some dating and early family life. It troubled her greatly as she did not know for sure who her real parents were having been adopted by our "maternal grandma". From what I was informed, that grandma had miscarried and her husband died in the same year. My mum was given away to her to comfort her by a doctor's family of many children. However, Kim Po, my mum's foster aunt in law, an elderly in her 80s gave a totally different version altogether. There was no doctor dad in the picture but a "gangsterly" mum who chose to abandon my mum at a young age. So my mum was given the chinese name meaning "grace" and "prosperity"
Although she was adopted into Kim Po's family by default since Kim Po's husband's family was very distantly related to that grandma, God had provided mum well with in a loving family environment with many young "cousins" to play and grow up with. She was also given a good education up to Pre-u level. As a young girl of 9 she started various operations to remove some cysts behind her ear. This congentital problem gave her much pain and stress. Every year the cyst would erupt like a huge pimple and spew forth pus and blood. Before the cysts would burst , there would be weeks of pain and sometimes headache making her highly irritable at times.
Mum had several operations but without success. The latest operation was when I was in my pre teens and I overheard my family discussing that the doctor had removed most of the cysts but one the most critical one was resting on the facial nerve and if they would remove it, facial paralysis would result. Mum decided not to risk it. She cared a lot about maintaining her beauty.
So year after year, she would suffer much inconveniences and after I became a believer, I would prayed much for her healing. Eventually, the eruptions became less frequent. Then came the cancer news. Before that she was in the pink of health.
There was this brief episode of a auntie that came to do facials for her at our place. All I know was she sells RVB products and mum would buy to support her friend who was starting out in the beauty business, it was her best friend at that time though I cannot remember her name. One day she asked mum for a loan $5000 which was a huge sum in those recessionary years in the 80s to help her business. Mum gave and my dad was not happy about it since at that time my grandpa was in and out of the hospital for eventually diabetic amputation of a leg.
Shortly after borrowing money from my mum, this "friend" did not return to provide the facial services. In fact all calls went unanswered and eventually mum told me that this cheat had moved as her flat was sold to someone else. Mum was devastated not at the loss of money but the betrayal of trust. Evidently this RVB sales person had planned ahead and conned her of her housewife savings meant for emergencies. She vehemently forbade me to lend money to any friend in the future. I was to exercise much caution when choosing friends and trusting them. She was very sore about it for a few weeks.
Personally, I hope this person will be "punished" for cheating my mum. Whoever she is, if she is still alive, I pray that one day restituition be done in memory for my mum. Donate that $5000 plus almost 20years of interest to those suffering in Sichuan Earthquake or Myanmar Cyclone and make right this wrong.
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Mall Schooling
I must admit that I personally do not favour the term "home-schooling" since it conjures images of a child being confined at home studying. Personally I prefer the term "alternative education".
My beloved princess is being "schooled" both at home and in the malls, where I can breathe easier. Though she takes after the dad and seems to be more comfortable at home where her toys, videos and entire library are, she is alright with learning in Delifrance or any other air-conditioned cafe that mummy needs to have that caffeine fix.
Today, at Parkway delifrance, we did Critical Thinking for toddlers, a nursery level activity book. It is really so exciting to see your little child learn sequencing, matching and comparing and puzzles in addition to the usual colouring. Apart from Mandarin which we adopt a more laid back attitude, Rachel is progressing very fast academically and muscially.
Musically, she understands adagio, andante, moderato, allegro and presto, the various italian terms for tempo. Recently she added cresendo, diminuendo, fortissimo and pianissimo to her musical vocab. I love it when she recognises and sings in tune the various Mozart and Beethoven pieces. Her favourities are Vivaldi the Four Seasons -Spring, Allegro and the summer Presto. Violin wise, she is still getting acquainted with the instrument and together with the teacher, we adopt a very long term nurturing approach.
Since we are raising a music lover in a musical family, we definitely prefer the non-mainstream approach to educate our kid. The current compulsory system in Singapore is very left brained and exam result focused. It is ideal for mass producing degree holder knowledge workers in my opinion. In fact the vast majority of graduates end up as executives and managers for the rest of their lives rather than you know, artistes, business owners or entrepreneurs.
It troubles me to see the scores of children going for tuition classes both during the school term as well as the long holiday breaks. Many kids these days have so much academic stress and they do not seem to appreciate music and life as much. I was one of such "pressure cooker" child who had tuition aplenty to turn any Bs to As. So what with academic excellence? I had a gold award for ten distinctions in O levels, the awards were long tarnished and trashed. As a kid, I love to learn but I HATE exams and had butterflies in my stomach all the way to university. In fact, the stress level was so high that to this day, occasionally, I still had vivid nightmares of not making the grade in my university exams. In those days, one had to sit for sub paper if one failed and if we fail again at the sub paper level, its a premature goodbye to varsity life. Thank God for the modular system that my siblings were entitled to. I believe it does make the entire learning and striving for academic excellence process much more tolerable.
Personally, I have a Bachelor of Accountancy and Yan a Masters in Architecture. Between us we have 3 degrees and while we are more learned in areas of finance and architecture respectively, we are also able to courageously follow our musical passions, that of violin playing and teaching respectively.
My beloved princess is being "schooled" both at home and in the malls, where I can breathe easier. Though she takes after the dad and seems to be more comfortable at home where her toys, videos and entire library are, she is alright with learning in Delifrance or any other air-conditioned cafe that mummy needs to have that caffeine fix.
Today, at Parkway delifrance, we did Critical Thinking for toddlers, a nursery level activity book. It is really so exciting to see your little child learn sequencing, matching and comparing and puzzles in addition to the usual colouring. Apart from Mandarin which we adopt a more laid back attitude, Rachel is progressing very fast academically and muscially.
Musically, she understands adagio, andante, moderato, allegro and presto, the various italian terms for tempo. Recently she added cresendo, diminuendo, fortissimo and pianissimo to her musical vocab. I love it when she recognises and sings in tune the various Mozart and Beethoven pieces. Her favourities are Vivaldi the Four Seasons -Spring, Allegro and the summer Presto. Violin wise, she is still getting acquainted with the instrument and together with the teacher, we adopt a very long term nurturing approach.
Since we are raising a music lover in a musical family, we definitely prefer the non-mainstream approach to educate our kid. The current compulsory system in Singapore is very left brained and exam result focused. It is ideal for mass producing degree holder knowledge workers in my opinion. In fact the vast majority of graduates end up as executives and managers for the rest of their lives rather than you know, artistes, business owners or entrepreneurs.
It troubles me to see the scores of children going for tuition classes both during the school term as well as the long holiday breaks. Many kids these days have so much academic stress and they do not seem to appreciate music and life as much. I was one of such "pressure cooker" child who had tuition aplenty to turn any Bs to As. So what with academic excellence? I had a gold award for ten distinctions in O levels, the awards were long tarnished and trashed. As a kid, I love to learn but I HATE exams and had butterflies in my stomach all the way to university. In fact, the stress level was so high that to this day, occasionally, I still had vivid nightmares of not making the grade in my university exams. In those days, one had to sit for sub paper if one failed and if we fail again at the sub paper level, its a premature goodbye to varsity life. Thank God for the modular system that my siblings were entitled to. I believe it does make the entire learning and striving for academic excellence process much more tolerable.
Personally, I have a Bachelor of Accountancy and Yan a Masters in Architecture. Between us we have 3 degrees and while we are more learned in areas of finance and architecture respectively, we are also able to courageously follow our musical passions, that of violin playing and teaching respectively.
Friday, 16 May 2008
Violin Thoughts
Just bought tickets to the Beauty of Beethoven concert this coming May 30. The popular face of Chanel's Allure perfume, an ex child virtuoso, Leila Josefowicz will be playing the Beethoven Violin Concerto in D Major Op 61 one of my favourites.
Now this is also the one violin concerto that Yan bought the G.Henle Verlag scores for me even BEFORE i started serious violin lessons. My beloved husband is a man of faith indeed. A super patient guy that adopts a very long term perspective in life.
I am so looking forward to the concert even though I am to enjoy it alone. Yan will be caring for Rachel in the vicinity, perhaps the near by cinemas. I love concerts. I can't wait for Rachel to turn 6 so the whole family may enjoy concerts altogether.
Concerning my violin lessons, I believe I am progressing well. I am training myself to make the violin sound as legato as possible especially the slurs and string crossings. As with many beginners, I need to practice SLOWLY and not rush things. Personally, I enjoy making the violin "sing" and am sure I will do well in what has become my favourite instrument.
I love playing the violin. I am cultivating my listening, I want to play the way that people like to listen to me play. Sounds egoistic, but I mean, I want to play well and enjoy making good music that people would find joy and satisfaction as they listened to it.
Yan "challenges" me with the Monti's Czardas, a Grade 8 exam piece till 2011. Well, I have 3 years so to speak....haha. But personally, I don't want my violin teacher Amy to faint or feel tremenduous stress. Afterall, I had yet to "perfect" the song no 10. Allegretto (Suzuki Vol 1) which happens to be in the Grade 1 exam list A, this year.
Whether or not I am taking exams, music has become a part of my life's journey. With good quality practices and mature listening skills, I know I will progress far enough to contribute. The violin is, afterall, the instrument that is going to accompany me for life. I am indeed greatly blest.
Now this is also the one violin concerto that Yan bought the G.Henle Verlag scores for me even BEFORE i started serious violin lessons. My beloved husband is a man of faith indeed. A super patient guy that adopts a very long term perspective in life.
I am so looking forward to the concert even though I am to enjoy it alone. Yan will be caring for Rachel in the vicinity, perhaps the near by cinemas. I love concerts. I can't wait for Rachel to turn 6 so the whole family may enjoy concerts altogether.
Concerning my violin lessons, I believe I am progressing well. I am training myself to make the violin sound as legato as possible especially the slurs and string crossings. As with many beginners, I need to practice SLOWLY and not rush things. Personally, I enjoy making the violin "sing" and am sure I will do well in what has become my favourite instrument.
I love playing the violin. I am cultivating my listening, I want to play the way that people like to listen to me play. Sounds egoistic, but I mean, I want to play well and enjoy making good music that people would find joy and satisfaction as they listened to it.
Yan "challenges" me with the Monti's Czardas, a Grade 8 exam piece till 2011. Well, I have 3 years so to speak....haha. But personally, I don't want my violin teacher Amy to faint or feel tremenduous stress. Afterall, I had yet to "perfect" the song no 10. Allegretto (Suzuki Vol 1) which happens to be in the Grade 1 exam list A, this year.
Whether or not I am taking exams, music has become a part of my life's journey. With good quality practices and mature listening skills, I know I will progress far enough to contribute. The violin is, afterall, the instrument that is going to accompany me for life. I am indeed greatly blest.
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Remembering Mum on Mother's Day
Today is mother's day in Singapore. Normally my entire extended family, grandchildren included would gather for a feast. My mum loved it each time everyone gathered for the special occasion. She liked to receive the many gifts and red packets as well.
Unfortunately, last year's Mother's day was her last. Mum died shortly after a fall and also to colon cancer which she had fought hard for almost 4 years. She was 60 and a month short of what was to be her 61st birthday.
Last Christmas, even though none of us had the mood to celebrate the new year and Rachel's 3rd birthday, I did organised her last family party to lift her spirits. Physically, she had lost weight. The cancer had damaged her taste buds, taken away her appetite and made rather irritable as well. Usually a very positive fighter, she became negative about life. Afterall she can see and feel her once overweight and robust body was getting weaker by day. What kept her going was probably her love for dad, her children and her 5 grandchildren. At the party she complained much of upper body ache. My mother had a high pain threshold, so when she said pain it must really hurt much. She ate little but was happy with the many noisy grandchildren around her.
Soon the ever busy and joyous Chinese New Year (CNY) season came. Usually mum would be super excited about spring cleaning the house and all the festive buys. This time, she had no mood. I remembered her last shopping trip with my sister at Parkway Parade. It pained us to see her pant much and walked with difficulty as she lamented over "nothing to buy". We had Jack's place for lunch and mum hardly ate save for some coffee.
This Year of the Rat was particularly stressful for the entire family. Mum was in and out of the hospital for the various treatments and apart from weight loss she also started to lose hair. It's very horrifying to see chunks of hair fall off when she comb or wash her hair. There was a lot of hair on her shirt, on the sofa, on the bed, on the pillow and on the floor. I would swept the floor several times a day. In addition, I accompanied her to some treatments (always with Rachel) and felt helpless when her body reacted adversely with high fever and much violent shaking.
Now this CNY was also my sister's 32nd birthday. Although mum hardly ate during the reunion dinner, we were glad she made it through both the CNY and my sister's birthday. We were really worried as her pain escalated much and was on morphine patches. Her body became very frail looking and she weighed much less at 49kg. Normally she was 60kg. Even her beloved doctor became anxious and insisted seeing her soon after the CNY. She would threw up much or develop a sudden fever and we were told that she was fighting a losing battle. Sigh.
During the CNY period several well meaning relatives visited her but that made her more exhausted and negative about life. A cousin tried to convert her but really, though i hope for the best and prayed much myself, knowing my mum, how stubbornly anti-christ she was, all these "last minute efforts" probably made her more depressed and "offended". Yet another relative pulled me aside and told me to prepare for the worse since she had lost almost all hair and was hardly eating. I was irked by their insensitivity but chose to focus on the positive and on GOD.
I think mum thought she would be going soon. Late last year she prepared Yan's favourite Pig Trotters and my favourite Ngoh Hiang when she could still cook. Then on my sister's birthday, she struggled to prepare the traditional birthday meal despite all the pain and being told not to. In the end, I prepared it, the Dark Sauced Pig Trotter's with my mum issuing very impatient instructions and at the same time she was groaning with much pain, sitting in the kitchen despite maximium morphine patches. This happened to be the one dish that I wanted her to teach me since Yan love to eat it. Mum also struggled to eat my sister's Swenson's Ice cream cake that I hurried Yan to buy. Miraculously she ate her portion though she had no appetite for any porridge or milo or pandan cake.
On 25th February 2008, I was supporting her as she leaned precariously from the carpark to the clinic. At the same time, I was holding on to my super active 3 year old. What a contrast!!!!
. Looking at my off colour mum resting on the arm chair in the clinic, I noticed her breathing was kind of irregular. As Rachel busied herself with the tv, I had this eerie feeling that she may not last long and prayed much for God's mercy. That turned out to be her last consultation. One month was how long the doctor thought she could last since the cancer had spread and burst her liver membrane giving he maximum pain.
Back at home, both dad and ron went to the temple to reserve the niche. They were preparing for the worse though both Ron and I cried much, dad was in a take charge mode and even asked mum about her insurance and investment matters. When I went to check on mum, she had just stepped out of shower, starked naked and trembling much at her knees. I helped her with the clothes and asked her why she did not asked me to help her when she wanted to take a bath. She did not want to burden anyone.The entire day, she did not eat anything but slept much.
Now I had been travelling to Sengkang daily to help her with the chores and to care for her. It was very tough especially when Rachel was with me too. On this particular day I had stress induced diarrhea and period cramps. In the afternoon, despite not eating or drinking much, mum super vomit 3x green coloured puke totalling more than 1.5l. Where did that came from? I was so worried. She continued to sleep all the time.
I was cooking porridge when I had this fleeting thought. "this is the last time I am cooking porridge for mother". I brushed off the negative thought as I was also feeling rather sick and tired myself.
Together with the cousins, Cheryl,7 and Rachel, 3 we watered the plants and fed fishes before settling for a game of Snake and Ladder as we waited for dinner. I've checked on my mum often and even left her alone to fetch Cheryl from the school bus with rachel. Each time mum would say she do not want to eat or drink anything and went back to sleep.
Around 820pm, shortly after a call from my dad about his frustration with my Pyscho Auntie, while we continued the game, suddenly I heard a loud thud and the living room reverberated. Shit!!! Ah ma!!! I dashed into the room only to be shocked by a pool of blood from my mum's head. She had fell. I was panicking since I am a bit haemophobic and screaming to Cheryl for my phone and home phone to call the ambulance. There was so much blood. The sight of it horrified me and I kept speaking to mum, part praying in tongues so she did not lose consciousness. I sat her up and covered her wound with a towel that was very quickly drenched with blood and my hand GOD!!!! was so bloodly, I even tissued wiped away the blood pool on the floor with the other hand. The sight was so haunting. Mum was not feeling any pain since she was on morphine and even told me off, saying its a small matter no need to call ambulance.
At that crucial moment, my handphone failed. I tried hard but cannot remember any of my siblings contact numbers and called yan to inform my sister Jac who was on the way back with our dinner. All the while I was shaking in fear and stress-praying and crying and worried sick about the 2 young kids in the house and of course my dear mother. I asked cheryl to watched over rachel in the living room, not wanting the sight to traumatise them while I waited an eternity for the ambulance.
My sister arrived with the food and was shocked by the sight of my mum with the blood drenched towel against her head. She had not yet know what had happened as she was too busy to answer the phone. Shortly Yan arrived to help care the kids. Then about 15 minutes later SCDF ambulance arrived and sent mum with Jac to Changi Hospital. We waited for Ron to fetch us, kids and dinner to the A&E. The entire incident left me so badly traumatised that I was hyper ventilating and crying non stop for a long time in Ron's MPV.
It was another eternity at the A&E Changi hospital waiting to see if mum was alright. Though we brought the Tori Q dinner along, none of us, including the kids had any appetite. Cheryl's dad, Leslie was in reservist and her mum was still working. I was calling, smsing and tearing all the time. My spirits were so low, my body so tired and my emotions so haywired I saw a ghostly reflection on the water in the fish filled lobby near 7 eleven. It was very late at night and the hospital was closed to visitors. The image of a plump middle aged Indonesian Chinese woman with small beady eyes and high forehead was looking very sad, like someone had died. It was so vivid I could sketch it out. Yan thought my eyes were playing tricks since it was probably interplay of water and lighting. Except the "interplay" also brought about sudden chills and goosebumps.
Come to think of it, earlier on when I was waiting at the playground, I saw an old lady in her 70s with a packet of porridge looking up my mum's flat and walking towards the block. i find her strangely familiar and remembered only at the hospital, she was a long deceased old Aunt.
All these "seeing" "hearing" even "sensing" in the spirit since I was a child no longer bother me much since I understood that most christians especially those involved in worship can be more spiritually sensitive. For example getting tension headaches before I even notice a temple a few blocks away, even if i am travelling in a bus.
Thankfully the fall was not serious. Though more detailed scans could be done. It got her into hospital and we subsequently transfered her to Gleneagles for better care and follow up. After a few days stay, her condition deteriorated much and she died exactly a week from the fall in Gleneagles Hospital.
That turbulent one week both at Changi and Gleneagles was very disturbing. My family did gather often in the wee hours of the night whenever she showed ''signs" that she may be going. One such "sign" was when she told Ron "someone was reading behind her hospital bed". Another was irregular blood pressure. When I first met Ron and Jac at Changi in the wee hours of the night, the ward was cold and we had goosebumps. Mum was sleeping much and I was quite fearful and checking her much. At Gleneagles she was given quality care, 3 huge bags of "soya bean milk looking nutrients "and various drips plus oxygen.
Though she was conscious, her body posture was changing as water was gathering in and outside her lungs. Her breathing became more laboured and she was on maximum oxygen with mask eventually she was gasping for air.
Her doctor had gone on scheduled holiday and his colleague recommended a simple procedure to drain off the excess fluids so she would breathe better. But the procedure was cancelled last minute when her heart beat became very irregular. Mum asked about time often and told Ron "there were 2 persons standing beside her behind her hospital bed". We all knew the time was near and started accompanying her throughout the day and night.
It seems when a person is dying they would "connect" with the other world. My grandpa, the night before he died told of two children, a boy and a girl playing under the table. He kept scolding us for keeping the kids so long that it was late and we should bring them home, except there was NOTHING under my usual study desk. My grandma was trembling with much fear as she told me Monkey God was firing arrows at her and somersaulting all over the same bedroom that my grandpa died several years earlier. She died the next day.
So each time my mum seemed not making it, we gathered at her bedside, grandchildren and all and cried much holding on to her. She had not slept for 3 days. She just kept asking for time and absent family members. There were a couple of visits by really close relatives mainly the other set of grandparents. I cannot describe the stress we feel each time the DISTRESS button was activated and we all dashed to the hospital hoping to make it in time.
One night my sister and I were on the night shift in her room while dad was at the lounge area sleeping. I was trying hard to stay awake listening to Anne Sophie Mutter's Mozart concertos while my sister was sleeping when suddenly a very cold presence moved into the room.
Almost immediately mum breathed with much difficulty and I quickly intercede in tongues, beside her .I woke my sister and gathered my dad to the room. We were all shivering. The room was exceedingly cold it was around 3-4am and mum pulled through the night. As it was really late we did not activate the rest of the family till the next morning.
The next night, mum suddenly asked me and sister if we had "prepared the photo". She gave instructions on the "purple dress" and talked about the insurance money. Both my sister and I cried much but she did not yet go. It was not time yet.
After several "rehearsals" including playing her favourite Teresa Teng songs on the computer, she was still gasping for air with the oxygen mask. Everyone was getting very emotionally and physically tired. She could not bear to leave us. Despite much praying, she was not getting better, a gentle voice that I knew to be the Holy Spirit's said "she will die." much to my disappointment. I was completely stressed out caring for rachel, doing chores and the "night shifts" of accompanying my mum.
Finally on Sunday night, shortly after I went home to care for rachel and recharge before my "night shift duty", I received the final DISTRESS sms. Moments before that sms, when I was half conscious nursing rachel on the sofa, I heard an EXTERNAL male voice saying "Cheryl". It was not the voice of her dad. I blurted out "Who's that" to the surprise of Yan who was working on the computer. (That voice that woke me up turned out to be that of the Taoist priest who when conducting the rites revealed that he had a girl named Cheryl) WHY SO SPOOKY?
Our entire family dashed down in the cab once again and I felt that this time its for real and I advised that yan and rachel camp out in the main lobby instead.
Mum was breathing very weakly. Her heartbeat was very irregular ranging to 60s to 120s. Occasionally it was low 50s while her favourite Teresa Teng music was playing through the laptop. Certain songs that she liked, her heartbeat would stabilise. We tried hard not to cry any more and even asked her not to worry, to go in peace, everything and everyone will be well taken care off. Earlier that day, after a massive dry run, when all the grandchild had gathered in the ward, her neighbouring patient was discharged so we now had the room to ourselves. That poor lady heard much as the family gathered often at mum's bed. The TV was on throughout with trailers for the Lydia Sum memorial showing up often. Lydia was one of my mum's favourite comedian. She died a month or so earlier due to pancreatic cancer.
Mum's last moments were peaceful. The family had ran out of tears and both her heartbeat and breathing were slowing down. Her eyes had been closed for a long time as she was briefly in a coma? Her jaw was dropping and saliva which we had been wiping off often was gathering in the mask. Soon the nurses could not pump any more morphine into her vein and her facial features looked different. Her skinny limps started swelling and she looked better as water retention happened. Then the heart beat monitor failed to register and her organs started failing. We watched her breathe her last holding her hands and feet. At 0029am 03 March 2008, she was certified DEAD.
Unfortunately, last year's Mother's day was her last. Mum died shortly after a fall and also to colon cancer which she had fought hard for almost 4 years. She was 60 and a month short of what was to be her 61st birthday.
Last Christmas, even though none of us had the mood to celebrate the new year and Rachel's 3rd birthday, I did organised her last family party to lift her spirits. Physically, she had lost weight. The cancer had damaged her taste buds, taken away her appetite and made rather irritable as well. Usually a very positive fighter, she became negative about life. Afterall she can see and feel her once overweight and robust body was getting weaker by day. What kept her going was probably her love for dad, her children and her 5 grandchildren. At the party she complained much of upper body ache. My mother had a high pain threshold, so when she said pain it must really hurt much. She ate little but was happy with the many noisy grandchildren around her.
Soon the ever busy and joyous Chinese New Year (CNY) season came. Usually mum would be super excited about spring cleaning the house and all the festive buys. This time, she had no mood. I remembered her last shopping trip with my sister at Parkway Parade. It pained us to see her pant much and walked with difficulty as she lamented over "nothing to buy". We had Jack's place for lunch and mum hardly ate save for some coffee.
This Year of the Rat was particularly stressful for the entire family. Mum was in and out of the hospital for the various treatments and apart from weight loss she also started to lose hair. It's very horrifying to see chunks of hair fall off when she comb or wash her hair. There was a lot of hair on her shirt, on the sofa, on the bed, on the pillow and on the floor. I would swept the floor several times a day. In addition, I accompanied her to some treatments (always with Rachel) and felt helpless when her body reacted adversely with high fever and much violent shaking.
Now this CNY was also my sister's 32nd birthday. Although mum hardly ate during the reunion dinner, we were glad she made it through both the CNY and my sister's birthday. We were really worried as her pain escalated much and was on morphine patches. Her body became very frail looking and she weighed much less at 49kg. Normally she was 60kg. Even her beloved doctor became anxious and insisted seeing her soon after the CNY. She would threw up much or develop a sudden fever and we were told that she was fighting a losing battle. Sigh.
During the CNY period several well meaning relatives visited her but that made her more exhausted and negative about life. A cousin tried to convert her but really, though i hope for the best and prayed much myself, knowing my mum, how stubbornly anti-christ she was, all these "last minute efforts" probably made her more depressed and "offended". Yet another relative pulled me aside and told me to prepare for the worse since she had lost almost all hair and was hardly eating. I was irked by their insensitivity but chose to focus on the positive and on GOD.
I think mum thought she would be going soon. Late last year she prepared Yan's favourite Pig Trotters and my favourite Ngoh Hiang when she could still cook. Then on my sister's birthday, she struggled to prepare the traditional birthday meal despite all the pain and being told not to. In the end, I prepared it, the Dark Sauced Pig Trotter's with my mum issuing very impatient instructions and at the same time she was groaning with much pain, sitting in the kitchen despite maximium morphine patches. This happened to be the one dish that I wanted her to teach me since Yan love to eat it. Mum also struggled to eat my sister's Swenson's Ice cream cake that I hurried Yan to buy. Miraculously she ate her portion though she had no appetite for any porridge or milo or pandan cake.
On 25th February 2008, I was supporting her as she leaned precariously from the carpark to the clinic. At the same time, I was holding on to my super active 3 year old. What a contrast!!!!
. Looking at my off colour mum resting on the arm chair in the clinic, I noticed her breathing was kind of irregular. As Rachel busied herself with the tv, I had this eerie feeling that she may not last long and prayed much for God's mercy. That turned out to be her last consultation. One month was how long the doctor thought she could last since the cancer had spread and burst her liver membrane giving he maximum pain.
Back at home, both dad and ron went to the temple to reserve the niche. They were preparing for the worse though both Ron and I cried much, dad was in a take charge mode and even asked mum about her insurance and investment matters. When I went to check on mum, she had just stepped out of shower, starked naked and trembling much at her knees. I helped her with the clothes and asked her why she did not asked me to help her when she wanted to take a bath. She did not want to burden anyone.The entire day, she did not eat anything but slept much.
Now I had been travelling to Sengkang daily to help her with the chores and to care for her. It was very tough especially when Rachel was with me too. On this particular day I had stress induced diarrhea and period cramps. In the afternoon, despite not eating or drinking much, mum super vomit 3x green coloured puke totalling more than 1.5l. Where did that came from? I was so worried. She continued to sleep all the time.
I was cooking porridge when I had this fleeting thought. "this is the last time I am cooking porridge for mother". I brushed off the negative thought as I was also feeling rather sick and tired myself.
Together with the cousins, Cheryl,7 and Rachel, 3 we watered the plants and fed fishes before settling for a game of Snake and Ladder as we waited for dinner. I've checked on my mum often and even left her alone to fetch Cheryl from the school bus with rachel. Each time mum would say she do not want to eat or drink anything and went back to sleep.
Around 820pm, shortly after a call from my dad about his frustration with my Pyscho Auntie, while we continued the game, suddenly I heard a loud thud and the living room reverberated. Shit!!! Ah ma!!! I dashed into the room only to be shocked by a pool of blood from my mum's head. She had fell. I was panicking since I am a bit haemophobic and screaming to Cheryl for my phone and home phone to call the ambulance. There was so much blood. The sight of it horrified me and I kept speaking to mum, part praying in tongues so she did not lose consciousness. I sat her up and covered her wound with a towel that was very quickly drenched with blood and my hand GOD!!!! was so bloodly, I even tissued wiped away the blood pool on the floor with the other hand. The sight was so haunting. Mum was not feeling any pain since she was on morphine and even told me off, saying its a small matter no need to call ambulance.
At that crucial moment, my handphone failed. I tried hard but cannot remember any of my siblings contact numbers and called yan to inform my sister Jac who was on the way back with our dinner. All the while I was shaking in fear and stress-praying and crying and worried sick about the 2 young kids in the house and of course my dear mother. I asked cheryl to watched over rachel in the living room, not wanting the sight to traumatise them while I waited an eternity for the ambulance.
My sister arrived with the food and was shocked by the sight of my mum with the blood drenched towel against her head. She had not yet know what had happened as she was too busy to answer the phone. Shortly Yan arrived to help care the kids. Then about 15 minutes later SCDF ambulance arrived and sent mum with Jac to Changi Hospital. We waited for Ron to fetch us, kids and dinner to the A&E. The entire incident left me so badly traumatised that I was hyper ventilating and crying non stop for a long time in Ron's MPV.
It was another eternity at the A&E Changi hospital waiting to see if mum was alright. Though we brought the Tori Q dinner along, none of us, including the kids had any appetite. Cheryl's dad, Leslie was in reservist and her mum was still working. I was calling, smsing and tearing all the time. My spirits were so low, my body so tired and my emotions so haywired I saw a ghostly reflection on the water in the fish filled lobby near 7 eleven. It was very late at night and the hospital was closed to visitors. The image of a plump middle aged Indonesian Chinese woman with small beady eyes and high forehead was looking very sad, like someone had died. It was so vivid I could sketch it out. Yan thought my eyes were playing tricks since it was probably interplay of water and lighting. Except the "interplay" also brought about sudden chills and goosebumps.
Come to think of it, earlier on when I was waiting at the playground, I saw an old lady in her 70s with a packet of porridge looking up my mum's flat and walking towards the block. i find her strangely familiar and remembered only at the hospital, she was a long deceased old Aunt.
All these "seeing" "hearing" even "sensing" in the spirit since I was a child no longer bother me much since I understood that most christians especially those involved in worship can be more spiritually sensitive. For example getting tension headaches before I even notice a temple a few blocks away, even if i am travelling in a bus.
Thankfully the fall was not serious. Though more detailed scans could be done. It got her into hospital and we subsequently transfered her to Gleneagles for better care and follow up. After a few days stay, her condition deteriorated much and she died exactly a week from the fall in Gleneagles Hospital.
That turbulent one week both at Changi and Gleneagles was very disturbing. My family did gather often in the wee hours of the night whenever she showed ''signs" that she may be going. One such "sign" was when she told Ron "someone was reading behind her hospital bed". Another was irregular blood pressure. When I first met Ron and Jac at Changi in the wee hours of the night, the ward was cold and we had goosebumps. Mum was sleeping much and I was quite fearful and checking her much. At Gleneagles she was given quality care, 3 huge bags of "soya bean milk looking nutrients "and various drips plus oxygen.
Though she was conscious, her body posture was changing as water was gathering in and outside her lungs. Her breathing became more laboured and she was on maximum oxygen with mask eventually she was gasping for air.
Her doctor had gone on scheduled holiday and his colleague recommended a simple procedure to drain off the excess fluids so she would breathe better. But the procedure was cancelled last minute when her heart beat became very irregular. Mum asked about time often and told Ron "there were 2 persons standing beside her behind her hospital bed". We all knew the time was near and started accompanying her throughout the day and night.
It seems when a person is dying they would "connect" with the other world. My grandpa, the night before he died told of two children, a boy and a girl playing under the table. He kept scolding us for keeping the kids so long that it was late and we should bring them home, except there was NOTHING under my usual study desk. My grandma was trembling with much fear as she told me Monkey God was firing arrows at her and somersaulting all over the same bedroom that my grandpa died several years earlier. She died the next day.
So each time my mum seemed not making it, we gathered at her bedside, grandchildren and all and cried much holding on to her. She had not slept for 3 days. She just kept asking for time and absent family members. There were a couple of visits by really close relatives mainly the other set of grandparents. I cannot describe the stress we feel each time the DISTRESS button was activated and we all dashed to the hospital hoping to make it in time.
One night my sister and I were on the night shift in her room while dad was at the lounge area sleeping. I was trying hard to stay awake listening to Anne Sophie Mutter's Mozart concertos while my sister was sleeping when suddenly a very cold presence moved into the room.
Almost immediately mum breathed with much difficulty and I quickly intercede in tongues, beside her .I woke my sister and gathered my dad to the room. We were all shivering. The room was exceedingly cold it was around 3-4am and mum pulled through the night. As it was really late we did not activate the rest of the family till the next morning.
The next night, mum suddenly asked me and sister if we had "prepared the photo". She gave instructions on the "purple dress" and talked about the insurance money. Both my sister and I cried much but she did not yet go. It was not time yet.
After several "rehearsals" including playing her favourite Teresa Teng songs on the computer, she was still gasping for air with the oxygen mask. Everyone was getting very emotionally and physically tired. She could not bear to leave us. Despite much praying, she was not getting better, a gentle voice that I knew to be the Holy Spirit's said "she will die." much to my disappointment. I was completely stressed out caring for rachel, doing chores and the "night shifts" of accompanying my mum.
Finally on Sunday night, shortly after I went home to care for rachel and recharge before my "night shift duty", I received the final DISTRESS sms. Moments before that sms, when I was half conscious nursing rachel on the sofa, I heard an EXTERNAL male voice saying "Cheryl". It was not the voice of her dad. I blurted out "Who's that" to the surprise of Yan who was working on the computer. (That voice that woke me up turned out to be that of the Taoist priest who when conducting the rites revealed that he had a girl named Cheryl) WHY SO SPOOKY?
Our entire family dashed down in the cab once again and I felt that this time its for real and I advised that yan and rachel camp out in the main lobby instead.
Mum was breathing very weakly. Her heartbeat was very irregular ranging to 60s to 120s. Occasionally it was low 50s while her favourite Teresa Teng music was playing through the laptop. Certain songs that she liked, her heartbeat would stabilise. We tried hard not to cry any more and even asked her not to worry, to go in peace, everything and everyone will be well taken care off. Earlier that day, after a massive dry run, when all the grandchild had gathered in the ward, her neighbouring patient was discharged so we now had the room to ourselves. That poor lady heard much as the family gathered often at mum's bed. The TV was on throughout with trailers for the Lydia Sum memorial showing up often. Lydia was one of my mum's favourite comedian. She died a month or so earlier due to pancreatic cancer.
Mum's last moments were peaceful. The family had ran out of tears and both her heartbeat and breathing were slowing down. Her eyes had been closed for a long time as she was briefly in a coma? Her jaw was dropping and saliva which we had been wiping off often was gathering in the mask. Soon the nurses could not pump any more morphine into her vein and her facial features looked different. Her skinny limps started swelling and she looked better as water retention happened. Then the heart beat monitor failed to register and her organs started failing. We watched her breathe her last holding her hands and feet. At 0029am 03 March 2008, she was certified DEAD.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Violin Restoration
I was told by my violin teacher that my violin which is less than a year old needs repair. Apparently, the fingerboard or the neck had "dropped" much and the distance between the wood and the strings became more pronounced. Another problem was the sound post which needed to be adjusted for a more mellow sound. Somehow, the "voice" became more screechy.
Immediately after my weekly lesson I hurried my violin with my child to the violin shop in Katong. Its akin to rushing a sick child to see a doctor. I was quoted $150 for the above repair work yet I needed to wait some one month for the spare parts to arrive. My bow too had a slight crack around the eye due to misuse. No I DID NOT hit Rachel with it. I probably wind it up too tight as an overly enthusiastic beginner in the past.
Some time last Christmas, my violin idol, David Garrett slipped and landed on his 1772 GB Guadagnini worth a cool US$1 million after a performance in London. Although he landed on his violin case, the violin was quite severely damaged with cracks running from the "f hole". At this moment, this precious baby was being repaired in New York, a restoration process that would take several months with a estimated bill size of US$100,000. I prayed it will be miraculously restored, sound included.
You know, I feel for him, his pain from the accidental loss of a good "friend". After all the violin was with him since 2003 and had been used from composing to concert performances. This is an instrument that he worked hard and saved up for. He modelled briefly for Vogue and Armani while being coached by the legendary Itzhak Perlman in the Juilliard School, New York. He MODELS, yes no wonder I find him SOOOOOO familiar since I often drool over Armani models in the past. My favourite model was Marcus Schenkenberg of the legendary Calvin Klein Jeans shower ad. Thank God for creating these male beauties, so perfect in physique, David, whose German dad is a lawyer cum an antique violin dealer and whose mum is a american ballerina, is 1.88m while the now much older but still highly marketable Marcus was more than 1.9m.
And there was I, a bubbly teenager, I WANTED to model badly and for all things lingerie. After all, what i lacked in height,God compensated with a sexy hour glass figure. I'm a mere 1.57m, blame it on my parents who refused to let me drink milk after 10 years old, "Milk are for babies" I remembered my mum scolding me for wanting to buy the pyramid packet Marigold? chocolate milk in the 1980s. Singapore was struggling with recession then.
When David Garrett was born in Aachen Germany in 1980, I was already in primary one, what a MILESTONE locally. Genes played a part too, both my parents are short and I became the most vertically challenged among my siblings. Shortest but not the dumbest, may be my brain was too heavy, Hahahah
If not for my traditional parents and the conservative church that I grew up in, I would GO AHEAD and model all sorts of sexy underwear. I am afterall someone who cares about the feelings of others. Posing nude will be difficult since I felt my body is not perfect enough. But my man, well, he would gladly do it for ART. It does not matter to him whether the ART was "appreciated" by the gay community even. To him, God made us to look good in the buff and clothes are so unneccessary. He even laments the lack of an official NUDE beach here. Looks like I am the conservative one here. MUAHAHAHA.
Back to the violin repair,
I really need to upgrade my bow. At the moment, this original "unbalanced" bow is kind of too heavy for my weak shoulder. I am still recovering from tendonitis of the rotator cuff sustained on a gym ball exercise last year. I was arched on my back over the gym ball when Rachel woke from sleep and pushed me over suddenly. I did not hear or see her approach and boy she, a breast-fed baby had great strength. I probably ruptured some muscular fibres, it hurt so much and was so inflammed that I needed physiotheraphy. Bowing triggered the injury as scar tissues that made my then frozen right shoulder, moved. It was searing pain some what like a flesh cut. SHARP and continuous. My mistake according to the physiotherapist was to do nothing after the fall off the gym ball. Since it was a really sharp bout of pain I should have consulted a doctor. Instead I merely prayed over and avoided using my right hand if possible. At one stage brushing teeth and stir frying hurt much. By not seeking treatment early, scar tissue formed over the tears and when I started to bow learning the violin, I practically moved the scar tissues and aggravated the old tears. Sounds scary. From now on, its prayer with medical consultation for me so I could pray with understanding.
Well, back to the basics of choosing a bow. A good bow I was told can cost up to thousands, but at this moment when my violin cost only about $2000, a $200 bow should suffice. By the way, i need to wait for my violin to "recover" from the damage before I could choose a bow since they sound different on different violins. According to the Violin Owner's Manual by Strings Letter publishing, a good bow should weigh bet 60 to 65 grams. It should also dig into the strings without the wood hitting the string. If you're digging you can get that nice accented sound. But if the bow isn't strong enough, the stick will flex so much that the hair is caught between the string and the bow and you don't have as much control over it. Elasticity is another difficult to understand concept, it measures how "responsive" the bow is. My teacher Amy Tan recommends French bows and she showed me one that costs above $3000. She is afterall a amateur violin performer who recently commissioned the making of an italian violin costing above $10000. She already owns several violins, including China made ones.
Oh Violins, i love them. David Garrett is blest with a 1718 Stradivarius worth US$4.5million that was part of a quartet made for the Grand Duke of San Lorenzo. That's why its called the San Lorenzo, it was a gift to him when he was only 12. He's such a incredibly blessed child having studied under Ida Haendel as a very gifted kid. David had been performing since he was 10 and started to learn the violin when he was 4. Rachel started just before her 3rd birthday, hmmmmm, we shall see if God would prosper her the same way.
Perhaps even more blessed is Anne Sophie Mutter who owns not one but two Stradivarius violins (The Emiliani of 1703, and the Lord Dunn-Raven of 1710) each worth around US $2.5 million.I particularly loved the sound of her violins, they are so velvety and mesmerising.
Someday, I hope I could play my favourite Bach Chaccone on a really good violin. I asked God for a genuine Giuseppe Guarneri Del Gesu and looked forward to bidding for one at Sotheby's. It does not harm to dream big does it?
I better go work on my Minuet 3, Suzuki Vol 1 now............................................
Immediately after my weekly lesson I hurried my violin with my child to the violin shop in Katong. Its akin to rushing a sick child to see a doctor. I was quoted $150 for the above repair work yet I needed to wait some one month for the spare parts to arrive. My bow too had a slight crack around the eye due to misuse. No I DID NOT hit Rachel with it. I probably wind it up too tight as an overly enthusiastic beginner in the past.
Some time last Christmas, my violin idol, David Garrett slipped and landed on his 1772 GB Guadagnini worth a cool US$1 million after a performance in London. Although he landed on his violin case, the violin was quite severely damaged with cracks running from the "f hole". At this moment, this precious baby was being repaired in New York, a restoration process that would take several months with a estimated bill size of US$100,000. I prayed it will be miraculously restored, sound included.
You know, I feel for him, his pain from the accidental loss of a good "friend". After all the violin was with him since 2003 and had been used from composing to concert performances. This is an instrument that he worked hard and saved up for. He modelled briefly for Vogue and Armani while being coached by the legendary Itzhak Perlman in the Juilliard School, New York. He MODELS, yes no wonder I find him SOOOOOO familiar since I often drool over Armani models in the past. My favourite model was Marcus Schenkenberg of the legendary Calvin Klein Jeans shower ad. Thank God for creating these male beauties, so perfect in physique, David, whose German dad is a lawyer cum an antique violin dealer and whose mum is a american ballerina, is 1.88m while the now much older but still highly marketable Marcus was more than 1.9m.
And there was I, a bubbly teenager, I WANTED to model badly and for all things lingerie. After all, what i lacked in height,God compensated with a sexy hour glass figure. I'm a mere 1.57m, blame it on my parents who refused to let me drink milk after 10 years old, "Milk are for babies" I remembered my mum scolding me for wanting to buy the pyramid packet Marigold? chocolate milk in the 1980s. Singapore was struggling with recession then.
When David Garrett was born in Aachen Germany in 1980, I was already in primary one, what a MILESTONE locally. Genes played a part too, both my parents are short and I became the most vertically challenged among my siblings. Shortest but not the dumbest, may be my brain was too heavy, Hahahah
If not for my traditional parents and the conservative church that I grew up in, I would GO AHEAD and model all sorts of sexy underwear. I am afterall someone who cares about the feelings of others. Posing nude will be difficult since I felt my body is not perfect enough. But my man, well, he would gladly do it for ART. It does not matter to him whether the ART was "appreciated" by the gay community even. To him, God made us to look good in the buff and clothes are so unneccessary. He even laments the lack of an official NUDE beach here. Looks like I am the conservative one here. MUAHAHAHA.
Back to the violin repair,
I really need to upgrade my bow. At the moment, this original "unbalanced" bow is kind of too heavy for my weak shoulder. I am still recovering from tendonitis of the rotator cuff sustained on a gym ball exercise last year. I was arched on my back over the gym ball when Rachel woke from sleep and pushed me over suddenly. I did not hear or see her approach and boy she, a breast-fed baby had great strength. I probably ruptured some muscular fibres, it hurt so much and was so inflammed that I needed physiotheraphy. Bowing triggered the injury as scar tissues that made my then frozen right shoulder, moved. It was searing pain some what like a flesh cut. SHARP and continuous. My mistake according to the physiotherapist was to do nothing after the fall off the gym ball. Since it was a really sharp bout of pain I should have consulted a doctor. Instead I merely prayed over and avoided using my right hand if possible. At one stage brushing teeth and stir frying hurt much. By not seeking treatment early, scar tissue formed over the tears and when I started to bow learning the violin, I practically moved the scar tissues and aggravated the old tears. Sounds scary. From now on, its prayer with medical consultation for me so I could pray with understanding.
Well, back to the basics of choosing a bow. A good bow I was told can cost up to thousands, but at this moment when my violin cost only about $2000, a $200 bow should suffice. By the way, i need to wait for my violin to "recover" from the damage before I could choose a bow since they sound different on different violins. According to the Violin Owner's Manual by Strings Letter publishing, a good bow should weigh bet 60 to 65 grams. It should also dig into the strings without the wood hitting the string. If you're digging you can get that nice accented sound. But if the bow isn't strong enough, the stick will flex so much that the hair is caught between the string and the bow and you don't have as much control over it. Elasticity is another difficult to understand concept, it measures how "responsive" the bow is. My teacher Amy Tan recommends French bows and she showed me one that costs above $3000. She is afterall a amateur violin performer who recently commissioned the making of an italian violin costing above $10000. She already owns several violins, including China made ones.
Oh Violins, i love them. David Garrett is blest with a 1718 Stradivarius worth US$4.5million that was part of a quartet made for the Grand Duke of San Lorenzo. That's why its called the San Lorenzo, it was a gift to him when he was only 12. He's such a incredibly blessed child having studied under Ida Haendel as a very gifted kid. David had been performing since he was 10 and started to learn the violin when he was 4. Rachel started just before her 3rd birthday, hmmmmm, we shall see if God would prosper her the same way.
Perhaps even more blessed is Anne Sophie Mutter who owns not one but two Stradivarius violins (The Emiliani of 1703, and the Lord Dunn-Raven of 1710) each worth around US $2.5 million.I particularly loved the sound of her violins, they are so velvety and mesmerising.
Someday, I hope I could play my favourite Bach Chaccone on a really good violin. I asked God for a genuine Giuseppe Guarneri Del Gesu and looked forward to bidding for one at Sotheby's. It does not harm to dream big does it?
I better go work on my Minuet 3, Suzuki Vol 1 now............................................
Thursday, 8 May 2008
Yes New Creation
I've been quite wary of New Creation Church (NCC). After all many had fore-warned us about the "prosperity" and "cheap grace" preaching. I was really reluctant to visit but Yan, the head of the household was patiently and gently nudging me to go have a look for a long time. Finally I said "OKAY" on Mother's Day 2006.
I remembered it was the Senior Pastor Prince's birthday as well. And during this worship service held at the Singapore Indoor Stadium, Pastor prayed that those who in debt will be debt free by the end of the year. Well, I been through and accepted many such prayers at FCBC but no matter how much we scrimped and saved, the debt snow-balled faster with the ever increasing mortgage rates.
However, this time round I felt ZERO stress. GOD WILL DO IT. Prior to that I had been to Credit Counselling Seminar with my baby to check out concerning bankruptcy procedures. That was probably the lowest point of my life. I was financially broke and worried about mum's chemo bills , they were escalating faster than the debt itself. Each treatment cycle was like $30000. Yet as good filial kids we would try our best to help her medically and for me spiritually too, with prayer and fasting.
Miraculously, a month later, we sold our matrimonial home and lease it back. With the proceeds, we paid off all debts. GOD IS WONDERFUL. As we wrote and negotiated with many a bank, almost all banks gave us rebates up to 20% and that saved us almost $10k from the original debt. I felt much better too, that I could share equally, the medical expenses for my mum's cancer treatment. It's only fair to share equally among the siblings.
With the proceeds we also bought a well seasoned YAMAHA YUX upright and started to teach piano at home. As we increased the tithe God too multiplied the income, giving Yan opportunities to do piano accompaniment and perform at ad hoc events like weddings.
Sometimes, I cannot help but wondered why God waited so long and chose to deliver us out of debt only after we stepped into NCC. For years we struggled with ballooning DEBT and LACK despite the many prayers, fasting and proclamations. Looking back, I now understand that as long as we are under LAW, when we feel that we need to do this or that in order that God will help us, we nullify His GRACE. Grace is undeserved, unearned favour of God and this cannot be "balanced" with the LAW.
So its that SIMPLE we do not need to do anything to deserve God's financial bail out. As soon as we understood this and REST in His Promises that He will surely provide for us abundantly, suddenly we became debt-free. Furthermore, in NCC, we could physically REST in the LORD. At the moment we are not in any cell meetings and sometimes we had to skip church services, yet there is so much PEACE, NO CONDEMNATION, NO GUILT or any STRESS.
Along with the many sermon cds and dvds, we are now well nourished and confident that Our Shepherd Lord will take good care of us and Rachel especially when the children ministry is SUPERB. Two thumbs up!!
Thank You Jesus for your great love.
I remembered it was the Senior Pastor Prince's birthday as well. And during this worship service held at the Singapore Indoor Stadium, Pastor prayed that those who in debt will be debt free by the end of the year. Well, I been through and accepted many such prayers at FCBC but no matter how much we scrimped and saved, the debt snow-balled faster with the ever increasing mortgage rates.
However, this time round I felt ZERO stress. GOD WILL DO IT. Prior to that I had been to Credit Counselling Seminar with my baby to check out concerning bankruptcy procedures. That was probably the lowest point of my life. I was financially broke and worried about mum's chemo bills , they were escalating faster than the debt itself. Each treatment cycle was like $30000. Yet as good filial kids we would try our best to help her medically and for me spiritually too, with prayer and fasting.
Miraculously, a month later, we sold our matrimonial home and lease it back. With the proceeds, we paid off all debts. GOD IS WONDERFUL. As we wrote and negotiated with many a bank, almost all banks gave us rebates up to 20% and that saved us almost $10k from the original debt. I felt much better too, that I could share equally, the medical expenses for my mum's cancer treatment. It's only fair to share equally among the siblings.
With the proceeds we also bought a well seasoned YAMAHA YUX upright and started to teach piano at home. As we increased the tithe God too multiplied the income, giving Yan opportunities to do piano accompaniment and perform at ad hoc events like weddings.
Sometimes, I cannot help but wondered why God waited so long and chose to deliver us out of debt only after we stepped into NCC. For years we struggled with ballooning DEBT and LACK despite the many prayers, fasting and proclamations. Looking back, I now understand that as long as we are under LAW, when we feel that we need to do this or that in order that God will help us, we nullify His GRACE. Grace is undeserved, unearned favour of God and this cannot be "balanced" with the LAW.
So its that SIMPLE we do not need to do anything to deserve God's financial bail out. As soon as we understood this and REST in His Promises that He will surely provide for us abundantly, suddenly we became debt-free. Furthermore, in NCC, we could physically REST in the LORD. At the moment we are not in any cell meetings and sometimes we had to skip church services, yet there is so much PEACE, NO CONDEMNATION, NO GUILT or any STRESS.
Along with the many sermon cds and dvds, we are now well nourished and confident that Our Shepherd Lord will take good care of us and Rachel especially when the children ministry is SUPERB. Two thumbs up!!
Thank You Jesus for your great love.
Church Life 101
I've been a christian almost my entire life since i accepted the Lord at the playground. i was 7 then. I started to attend church services since i was 13. That means I've been an "active" christian for more than 2 decades. GASP!!!!! Time really flies except when you are on the treadmill or nursing a baby.
My first church Geylang Church of Christ, well,was conveniently situated near my old home in Sims Drive. I actually called up the Pastor from the Yellow Pages. I let my fingers do the walking and soon one thing led to another and I was a regular bible study correspondence teenager. My mum was really anti-Christ. When i asked her if I could convert she slapped me immediately and I tasted blood in the mouth. YUCK! THAT!!! made me want to DIE for CHRIST!!!! I did not have the luxury to attend church services on Sundays then and could only tune in to BBC for worship and sermon, trying hard to understand the stiff upper lip sermons and the choral in cathedrals.
I struggled much in prayer, Lord am I a follower or not??? Why is it that I cannot go to church. My first bible from Gideons, the book of John from the New Testament was given to me one day just outside school. Then I remembered this good looker named Roger Lee from Tanjong Katong Technical that "preached" to me from the orange coloured 4 Spiritual Laws booklet and I accompanied him to his church, Fisherman of Christ. The first sermon I heard was "Jesus said I AM the vine and ye are the branches.... if ye abide in me, I'll abide in ye"John 15. Although the message was in mandarin, its was nevertheless my first church experience. I felt happy and peaceful.
After this chanced encounter, I soon lost Roger's contact. Mum had found the bilingual 4 spiritual laws booklet and threw it away with the free bible booklet . In addition, she gave me a really bad beating with many canes, I was almost 13 when she threatened to disown me. I was really upset about the bibles that I decided to buy many more bibles. That started my bible collecting hobby.
Each time I felt "persecuted", I turned to the LORD in much tears and prayed earnestly for His deliverance. As time goes by, my longing to attend church grew. I remembered my mum would have my brother Ron spy and follow me where ever I go, so that I would not set foot into any church. During this "terrible" time, I had no access to the telephone and all mail correspondences were destroyed. Its Funny...but I did not HATE my mum, in fact I took it all to the LORD and my faith grew stronger each day with adversity. God also became more real to me each day.
Relief came, a year later when I found a flyer in the lift. The same Geylang Church which by now thought I had lost interest in the Bible study correspondence advertised their weekly meetings. Hmmmm.. so since my parents were busy working, I started to attend Bible classes in person, I was the youngest still in school uniform and enjoyed learning about God and His ways and fellowshipping (also meant eating) with His people.
Finally, opportunities came when I started college life. In 1990, when I was 17, I asked to be baptised so as to become an official church member. I had grown up in the church so to speak and frankly my mum cannot "control" me that much any longer. I started being a regular worshipper and for the next 11 years I contributed much to that small family church, leading small groups, prayer meetings, teaching Sunday school, leading the youth, painting church wall murals, organising church camps, preparing the bulletin and Lord's Supper, collecting tithes and offerings and yes, even painting and fixing the wall lamps. The one area that I was most interested in was music. Unfortunately this particular church was vehemently against the use of music in church services and though I sing pretty well, I cannot help but feel something very crucial was missing. - the band!!!!
Soon, after attending several cell group conferences with my pastor Paul, I started to pray in tongues and felt led to attend Faith community Baptist Church (FCBC). Afterall, the samll family church was against speaking in tongues, prophesying and women leadership to mention a few - ISSUES. Now, FCBC is one great church. It was there that I met my husband Yan and we had Rachel. Both of us were actively serving God in the music ministry for many years. I felt much satisfaction serving as a vocalist.(until I was "downgraded" to be in the chorus) I love to worhip God and I love music. The more I worship God the more I love music. I realised that I had loved music my whole life since I was little. In fact, I had always wanted to learn music and SURPRISE, God bless me with a musician husband. Yan supported my musician dream. He encourage me much as I practice the violin and attend many a concerts. He often pram Rachel out to the beach so that I could squeeze in an hour of violin learning. GOD IS GOOD.HEE
I also learnt to tithe in FCBC. Previously, in the ex-church we just give as a cheerful giver any amount. But in FCBC we learnt the significance of the tithe (10%) and also the offering. I also learnt to tithe my time. There was a time in my life 10 months exactly when I did no paid work, the economy was really bad and God shut the door to almost all potential jobs. In those 10 months, I was staying away from home, alone in a friend's empty pre-renovated flat and I learnt to seek the Lord daily, to play the keyboard, to take care of myself with very very little money. There was no TV or air con and I read the Bible or books etc. Living alone is a welcomed change since I was crammed with 5 other family members in a 3 room flat and religion wise it was oppressive in my mum's place. I often times see "things" or was attacked by "things" that would quickly disappear when i cried out to the Lord. When I was home I made sure my room, which i shared with my sister and mum was "sanctified" singing worship songs. The spiritual climate was volatile with ancestral and idol worship aplenty. Although I was staying out, I made it a point to visit my mum each week and by God's grace, the relationship healed and improved.
FCBC is a "workaholic" church. I often felt a lot of stress with the many cell meetings, cell targets, leaders meetings etc. In fact, I was super pissed when a pastor closed down a satellite cell that i was asked to lead as growth stagnanted for 3 months. The members actually came from various churches to pray for kingdom advancement.
Years later after Rachel was born, it was really tough attending cell meetings without any helper. Rachel would cry often at new faces and I felt that I was disrupting meetings much to feed her or comfort her. It also did not help much when we struggled much with mortgage on a sudden single free-lance income. It was the time when I had left my previous banking job due to pregnancy bleeding and lost 3 months maternity benefit. Yan had just given up his stable boring job in a property firm of which he had no interest to be a full time piano tutor.
Occasionally, we had to turn to credit for the many baby immunisations, hospitalisations and also to help pay my mum's chemotherapy bills. Although God did provide, it was NOT ENOUGH! I humbled myself to raise money with flea markets and we forgo the cab rides which we needed much due to the baby and the pram. Life was hard. I pawn my wedding jewellery since I was not a into jewellery any way and liquidated much investments.
Many a sundays we dashed to church services at the EXPO only to find ourselves shut out, pram and baby too, as we were late. One time, I was so fed up, I kicked the church door when the "grace period" of 15 minutes was up. The pastor, KM shut the door in my face just when I was carrying the baby and about to walk through the EXPO doors. I pleaded with him, we were late as there were no cabs. He said NO and slammed the door in my face repeating that we should wait for the next service about 2 hours later. THAT WAS IT!!!! That was my last FCBC service. I cannot believe it. There were some elderly and parents with young children behind me who were similarly LOCKED OUT. If I had walked any faster, the heavy EXPO door could have hurt my baby. THIS IS TOO MUCH LORD, I WANT TO GO TO A BETTER CHURCH, I remembered complaining to the LORD. As a sleep deprived mum without any helper or car, I was really upset within me. FED UP!!!!!
My first church Geylang Church of Christ, well,was conveniently situated near my old home in Sims Drive. I actually called up the Pastor from the Yellow Pages. I let my fingers do the walking and soon one thing led to another and I was a regular bible study correspondence teenager. My mum was really anti-Christ. When i asked her if I could convert she slapped me immediately and I tasted blood in the mouth. YUCK! THAT!!! made me want to DIE for CHRIST!!!! I did not have the luxury to attend church services on Sundays then and could only tune in to BBC for worship and sermon, trying hard to understand the stiff upper lip sermons and the choral in cathedrals.
I struggled much in prayer, Lord am I a follower or not??? Why is it that I cannot go to church. My first bible from Gideons, the book of John from the New Testament was given to me one day just outside school. Then I remembered this good looker named Roger Lee from Tanjong Katong Technical that "preached" to me from the orange coloured 4 Spiritual Laws booklet and I accompanied him to his church, Fisherman of Christ. The first sermon I heard was "Jesus said I AM the vine and ye are the branches.... if ye abide in me, I'll abide in ye"John 15. Although the message was in mandarin, its was nevertheless my first church experience. I felt happy and peaceful.
After this chanced encounter, I soon lost Roger's contact. Mum had found the bilingual 4 spiritual laws booklet and threw it away with the free bible booklet . In addition, she gave me a really bad beating with many canes, I was almost 13 when she threatened to disown me. I was really upset about the bibles that I decided to buy many more bibles. That started my bible collecting hobby.
Each time I felt "persecuted", I turned to the LORD in much tears and prayed earnestly for His deliverance. As time goes by, my longing to attend church grew. I remembered my mum would have my brother Ron spy and follow me where ever I go, so that I would not set foot into any church. During this "terrible" time, I had no access to the telephone and all mail correspondences were destroyed. Its Funny...but I did not HATE my mum, in fact I took it all to the LORD and my faith grew stronger each day with adversity. God also became more real to me each day.
Relief came, a year later when I found a flyer in the lift. The same Geylang Church which by now thought I had lost interest in the Bible study correspondence advertised their weekly meetings. Hmmmm.. so since my parents were busy working, I started to attend Bible classes in person, I was the youngest still in school uniform and enjoyed learning about God and His ways and fellowshipping (also meant eating) with His people.
Finally, opportunities came when I started college life. In 1990, when I was 17, I asked to be baptised so as to become an official church member. I had grown up in the church so to speak and frankly my mum cannot "control" me that much any longer. I started being a regular worshipper and for the next 11 years I contributed much to that small family church, leading small groups, prayer meetings, teaching Sunday school, leading the youth, painting church wall murals, organising church camps, preparing the bulletin and Lord's Supper, collecting tithes and offerings and yes, even painting and fixing the wall lamps. The one area that I was most interested in was music. Unfortunately this particular church was vehemently against the use of music in church services and though I sing pretty well, I cannot help but feel something very crucial was missing. - the band!!!!
Soon, after attending several cell group conferences with my pastor Paul, I started to pray in tongues and felt led to attend Faith community Baptist Church (FCBC). Afterall, the samll family church was against speaking in tongues, prophesying and women leadership to mention a few - ISSUES. Now, FCBC is one great church. It was there that I met my husband Yan and we had Rachel. Both of us were actively serving God in the music ministry for many years. I felt much satisfaction serving as a vocalist.(until I was "downgraded" to be in the chorus) I love to worhip God and I love music. The more I worship God the more I love music. I realised that I had loved music my whole life since I was little. In fact, I had always wanted to learn music and SURPRISE, God bless me with a musician husband. Yan supported my musician dream. He encourage me much as I practice the violin and attend many a concerts. He often pram Rachel out to the beach so that I could squeeze in an hour of violin learning. GOD IS GOOD.HEE
I also learnt to tithe in FCBC. Previously, in the ex-church we just give as a cheerful giver any amount. But in FCBC we learnt the significance of the tithe (10%) and also the offering. I also learnt to tithe my time. There was a time in my life 10 months exactly when I did no paid work, the economy was really bad and God shut the door to almost all potential jobs. In those 10 months, I was staying away from home, alone in a friend's empty pre-renovated flat and I learnt to seek the Lord daily, to play the keyboard, to take care of myself with very very little money. There was no TV or air con and I read the Bible or books etc. Living alone is a welcomed change since I was crammed with 5 other family members in a 3 room flat and religion wise it was oppressive in my mum's place. I often times see "things" or was attacked by "things" that would quickly disappear when i cried out to the Lord. When I was home I made sure my room, which i shared with my sister and mum was "sanctified" singing worship songs. The spiritual climate was volatile with ancestral and idol worship aplenty. Although I was staying out, I made it a point to visit my mum each week and by God's grace, the relationship healed and improved.
FCBC is a "workaholic" church. I often felt a lot of stress with the many cell meetings, cell targets, leaders meetings etc. In fact, I was super pissed when a pastor closed down a satellite cell that i was asked to lead as growth stagnanted for 3 months. The members actually came from various churches to pray for kingdom advancement.
Years later after Rachel was born, it was really tough attending cell meetings without any helper. Rachel would cry often at new faces and I felt that I was disrupting meetings much to feed her or comfort her. It also did not help much when we struggled much with mortgage on a sudden single free-lance income. It was the time when I had left my previous banking job due to pregnancy bleeding and lost 3 months maternity benefit. Yan had just given up his stable boring job in a property firm of which he had no interest to be a full time piano tutor.
Occasionally, we had to turn to credit for the many baby immunisations, hospitalisations and also to help pay my mum's chemotherapy bills. Although God did provide, it was NOT ENOUGH! I humbled myself to raise money with flea markets and we forgo the cab rides which we needed much due to the baby and the pram. Life was hard. I pawn my wedding jewellery since I was not a into jewellery any way and liquidated much investments.
Many a sundays we dashed to church services at the EXPO only to find ourselves shut out, pram and baby too, as we were late. One time, I was so fed up, I kicked the church door when the "grace period" of 15 minutes was up. The pastor, KM shut the door in my face just when I was carrying the baby and about to walk through the EXPO doors. I pleaded with him, we were late as there were no cabs. He said NO and slammed the door in my face repeating that we should wait for the next service about 2 hours later. THAT WAS IT!!!! That was my last FCBC service. I cannot believe it. There were some elderly and parents with young children behind me who were similarly LOCKED OUT. If I had walked any faster, the heavy EXPO door could have hurt my baby. THIS IS TOO MUCH LORD, I WANT TO GO TO A BETTER CHURCH, I remembered complaining to the LORD. As a sleep deprived mum without any helper or car, I was really upset within me. FED UP!!!!!
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Remembering Mum Part IV
Rachel loves to learn. At 3, she amazes me with her excellent memory especially when it comes to music. Before I made a conscious effort to memorise the Four Seasons by Vivaldi, she already recognises and "sings" in tune, the various sections of each season. She knows whether that music was from Spring (her favourite), summer, autumn and winter.
Apart from watching various cartoons and movies, she enjoys too classics like The Sound of Music, An American In Paris and Nigel Kennedy's Four Seasons. When daddy bought her a dvd featuring little Chinese children at a violin competition, she pointed out to me a few pieces from the Suzuki method book 2 and 4 which i casually listened to occasionally since my focus is to play the songs in book 1 well.
Come to think of it. I had a great memory too as a pre-schooler. I remembered myself repeatedly banging the door in my pink walker with multi-coloured beads. How old can I be??? I remembered too my two brothers playing in a giant cardboard box, they were not walking yet. I am only a year older than them. All these took place where i first lived, in a "bungalow" at Geylang Lor 25, my dad would come home in a special cart like tricycle full of pails of his business tools and ingredients etc to the noisy chorus of the chickens and ducks that my grand parents kept. These memories were from my toddler times as we moved soon to the HDB flats in the early 1975.
As a pre-schooler, I remembered my mum's frustration teaching me to write. Like Rachel now, I have my own way of holding the pencils. I was scolded much especially when I was not good at remembering my chinese characters. Mum made sure I knew how to write and read both Chinese and English before I started kindergarten. She had mistakenly enrolled me a year earlier so I did K1 then repeat K1 as I was too young for primary one and at that time, there were no pre-nursery, nursery, K1 and K2 system as yet. These days we start formal childhood education at 3 years and some kids are still struggling to get off diapers......like our princess Rachel.
Mum is quite Kiasu a parent. Being the eldest I was constantly "psychoed". I remembered she would start the "study time" reminding me that I must do well to attend university or the siblings will have an excuse not to. Its 6 years of primary school, then 4 years of secondary school then 2 years of college then 3 years of university. When I was in lower primary she supervised our school work. I did assignment books way ahead of my class. Inevitably I was one of the smartest, except there was a Richard who was even more advanced as he had an older sibling. So when I was in primary one, sometimes I was completing assignments meant for primary two. Well, my self esteem was very high being often the top girl in class. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were times that I felt a little bored too, learning "slowly" in class.
There was a really slow kid, the result of an incestuous relationship, according to my mum, who sat beside me and had difficulty spelling anything. i did not realise he was retarded and protested when the teacher gave him a STAR for just spelling W after a long time for the word WINDOW. Those days they did not separate the kids and the poor teacher had a tough time managing a class that had vast differences in IQ.
Things got better after my primary 3 streaming, I was in the best class and life became more exciting competing with the like minded. Armed with my mum's education approach of doing more, I did assessment books way ahead of each class to emerge No 2 in the whole of Primary 6.
Thereafter in secondary school, I began to lose my competitive edge. I had come from a neighbourhood school and now in the SAP system, Dunman High, I was really competing with TOP minds. I turned to private tuition for 5 subjects not because I was doing badly but to INVEST and nurture those B grades into A. Thankfully, i did well for my O Levels and was given a GOLD award for 10 distinctions. This award along with many others had long been dumped since they tarnished easily.
Moving on to Victoria Junior College, I kind of became very playful. I preferred to shop, to drink coffee, a little beer rather than study HARD. I now became very distracted or attracted to boys and went out with them often. I studied with them, the SMART way. I worked backwards from their answers and learnt more. I canoed much with some without sun block in between lessons and now I REGRET those impulsive funtimes i had in the sea as freckles and moles started surfacing in my 30s.!!!!!! Whatever happened to my baby smooth skin???? CO2 Laser therapy is so costly. I just spent almost $2k to remove the unsightly skin tags that resulted from pregnancy hormones. And my aesthetician quoted $260 per mole removal. GOSH!!!!! I had so many, of all places on the face, that it could potentially cost me a good violin to look better. WHY?????????
Sadly, I NEVER believe I am beautiful. Sigh. My mother never complimented on my looks. On the contrary she often told me that I am not good looking enough. My sister is more beautiful or so and so's girl is lovely. Although I had a great figure when i was younger 34-25-35 almost like a violin, HAHAHAHAH, my FACE, I felt, let me down. Why so moley, moley, moley? Why did God forget the double eyelids and gave me almond shaped eyes that strangers thought I was from mainland CHINA!!! No wonder I detested anything cheena cheena and operated only in English (sometimes Singlish) platform.
Over the years, many a suitor had complimented on my so called oriental or exotic beauty.What sexy come to hither eyes. But frankly I was never swayed by their words or even the lyrics of their songs. (Aiyo...some songs need to be banned for terrible melodies) Deep within me, I wholeheartedly believed I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH! Whatever my husband think or even Christ thinks, HEY, I KNOW I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH. Its a undisputable FACT!!!!! but its OKAY!!!!. Life goes on and if skin care, diet, make up can enhance beauty, WHY NOT?
No wonder I only feel more beautiful and extra confident when i put on my mask (FULL MAKEUP). Hahaha. And when someone I had allowed myself to fall for declined my friendship in an email, I reckoned I was not beautiful enough for him, afterall I did consider him handsome.
Thankfully Rachel is born beautiful. I can admire her beauty for hours sometimes while she plays or watches cartoons or even naps. She is my consolation, my gift of beauty from my good LORD. And Yan too, is a good-looker who unlike me, is not so particular about the exterior.
Apart from watching various cartoons and movies, she enjoys too classics like The Sound of Music, An American In Paris and Nigel Kennedy's Four Seasons. When daddy bought her a dvd featuring little Chinese children at a violin competition, she pointed out to me a few pieces from the Suzuki method book 2 and 4 which i casually listened to occasionally since my focus is to play the songs in book 1 well.
Come to think of it. I had a great memory too as a pre-schooler. I remembered myself repeatedly banging the door in my pink walker with multi-coloured beads. How old can I be??? I remembered too my two brothers playing in a giant cardboard box, they were not walking yet. I am only a year older than them. All these took place where i first lived, in a "bungalow" at Geylang Lor 25, my dad would come home in a special cart like tricycle full of pails of his business tools and ingredients etc to the noisy chorus of the chickens and ducks that my grand parents kept. These memories were from my toddler times as we moved soon to the HDB flats in the early 1975.
As a pre-schooler, I remembered my mum's frustration teaching me to write. Like Rachel now, I have my own way of holding the pencils. I was scolded much especially when I was not good at remembering my chinese characters. Mum made sure I knew how to write and read both Chinese and English before I started kindergarten. She had mistakenly enrolled me a year earlier so I did K1 then repeat K1 as I was too young for primary one and at that time, there were no pre-nursery, nursery, K1 and K2 system as yet. These days we start formal childhood education at 3 years and some kids are still struggling to get off diapers......like our princess Rachel.
Mum is quite Kiasu a parent. Being the eldest I was constantly "psychoed". I remembered she would start the "study time" reminding me that I must do well to attend university or the siblings will have an excuse not to. Its 6 years of primary school, then 4 years of secondary school then 2 years of college then 3 years of university. When I was in lower primary she supervised our school work. I did assignment books way ahead of my class. Inevitably I was one of the smartest, except there was a Richard who was even more advanced as he had an older sibling. So when I was in primary one, sometimes I was completing assignments meant for primary two. Well, my self esteem was very high being often the top girl in class. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were times that I felt a little bored too, learning "slowly" in class.
There was a really slow kid, the result of an incestuous relationship, according to my mum, who sat beside me and had difficulty spelling anything. i did not realise he was retarded and protested when the teacher gave him a STAR for just spelling W after a long time for the word WINDOW. Those days they did not separate the kids and the poor teacher had a tough time managing a class that had vast differences in IQ.
Things got better after my primary 3 streaming, I was in the best class and life became more exciting competing with the like minded. Armed with my mum's education approach of doing more, I did assessment books way ahead of each class to emerge No 2 in the whole of Primary 6.
Thereafter in secondary school, I began to lose my competitive edge. I had come from a neighbourhood school and now in the SAP system, Dunman High, I was really competing with TOP minds. I turned to private tuition for 5 subjects not because I was doing badly but to INVEST and nurture those B grades into A. Thankfully, i did well for my O Levels and was given a GOLD award for 10 distinctions. This award along with many others had long been dumped since they tarnished easily.
Moving on to Victoria Junior College, I kind of became very playful. I preferred to shop, to drink coffee, a little beer rather than study HARD. I now became very distracted or attracted to boys and went out with them often. I studied with them, the SMART way. I worked backwards from their answers and learnt more. I canoed much with some without sun block in between lessons and now I REGRET those impulsive funtimes i had in the sea as freckles and moles started surfacing in my 30s.!!!!!! Whatever happened to my baby smooth skin???? CO2 Laser therapy is so costly. I just spent almost $2k to remove the unsightly skin tags that resulted from pregnancy hormones. And my aesthetician quoted $260 per mole removal. GOSH!!!!! I had so many, of all places on the face, that it could potentially cost me a good violin to look better. WHY?????????
Sadly, I NEVER believe I am beautiful. Sigh. My mother never complimented on my looks. On the contrary she often told me that I am not good looking enough. My sister is more beautiful or so and so's girl is lovely. Although I had a great figure when i was younger 34-25-35 almost like a violin, HAHAHAHAH, my FACE, I felt, let me down. Why so moley, moley, moley? Why did God forget the double eyelids and gave me almond shaped eyes that strangers thought I was from mainland CHINA!!! No wonder I detested anything cheena cheena and operated only in English (sometimes Singlish) platform.
Over the years, many a suitor had complimented on my so called oriental or exotic beauty.What sexy come to hither eyes. But frankly I was never swayed by their words or even the lyrics of their songs. (Aiyo...some songs need to be banned for terrible melodies) Deep within me, I wholeheartedly believed I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH! Whatever my husband think or even Christ thinks, HEY, I KNOW I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH. Its a undisputable FACT!!!!! but its OKAY!!!!. Life goes on and if skin care, diet, make up can enhance beauty, WHY NOT?
No wonder I only feel more beautiful and extra confident when i put on my mask (FULL MAKEUP). Hahaha. And when someone I had allowed myself to fall for declined my friendship in an email, I reckoned I was not beautiful enough for him, afterall I did consider him handsome.
Thankfully Rachel is born beautiful. I can admire her beauty for hours sometimes while she plays or watches cartoons or even naps. She is my consolation, my gift of beauty from my good LORD. And Yan too, is a good-looker who unlike me, is not so particular about the exterior.
Monday, 5 May 2008
Remembering Mum Part III
I had been trying to overcome my ex-fear of deep waters learning to swim in Mandarin Gardens which ultimately became my matrimonal home. Mum decided she wanted to learn to swim too and joined me soon afterwards. I still remembered she wore the pacific blue bikini that my ex cell group friend chock ching bought for me while she worked in Hawaii. It was too big, surely chock had grossly over estimated my boobs and bum but they were a perfect fit for my mum, who at that time seemed fit and into much adventure like Qi Gong exercises and social dance.
Soon, the opportunity came when UOB bank was to dispose of property holdings under UOL and while the property market was boring and super quiet due to the aftermath of SARS crisis, I viewed the Knight Frank showflat with mum dripping wet after our swim lesson and soon bought a seaview 829 sq ft unit. 3 months later i married yan, my long time male buddy turned boyfriend who was at that time working in Far East a huge property firm armed with a Masters in Architecture.
I had longed for an European wedding. May be it was due to my 1995 europe tour which included museums and cathedrals aplenty. I wanted to marry in CHIJMES, complete with a wedding quartet. Unfortunately, my ex church FCBC was against it, marrying in a "now commercial building with no active church services" (recently they loosen up the rules to include marrying couples in the Singapore Flyer). My parents, particularly my mum who was in charge of everything at home objected to a church wedding. She swore she would never set foot in a church so i thought that CHIJMES would do good since it was a commercial entity but the church was not for it. In the end, to please everyone and to have PEACE, Yan and I did the ROM on 15 Nov 2003 followed by a family dinner so we could use our CPF to finance the Mandarin Garden studio purchase. A customary wedding with tea reception and private family dinner was held on 13 Mar 2004, an auspicious date that clashed with a leader's meeting so both our Pre marital counsellors and pastors did not attend the wedding reception.
Now I can only dream of playing in the Quartet should Rachel marry in a church next time.
I conceived soon after the customary wedding and was almost 6 months pregnant when i suffered much bleeding due to the banking sales job that included much standing. Stress mounted and I felt pressured to leave to "save my precious unborn that i had been praying and talking to daily". As i left too early due to enormous stress, I was not eligible for the 3 months maternity benefits.
Shortly, I got a call from mum. She was very shaken and she told me her polyclinic doctor told her she had colorectal cancer. She was afraid. I was shocked too! Speechless! I remembered having casual thoughts that my mum had cancer a few weeks back and i brushed it all off as negative silly thoughts. God it was real. I assured her she will be alright and we will combine financial resources to get the best doctors to help her.
In nov 04, almost a year after i was married, my mum underwent major surgery at TTSH. She had a portion of her colon 6 inches removed. Since the cancer was in stage 3 and had affected her bladder, part of it was removed too. As a precautionary measure, they removed her womb and ovaries as well since she was done with child birth. I am angry even as i remembered this. Shortly after the operation while she was still in a daze, a young trainee doctor came and broke the news to her before discussing with us and in hokkien, her dialect, he said words that crushed our spirits and mum's. "Auntie, no good, all spread already, spoil already" If i am not a christian i would had punched him in the face and of all people he reminded me of that cold blooded houseman that i once fell for.
We recovered quickly from our shock and grief and my ever resourceful brother Ron then arranged for a second opinion with Dr Teo at Gleneagles. What a deep contrast. The private hospital doctor was warm and friendly and encouraged my mum through the many treatments in the next 3.5years.
Throughout her many treatments, chemotherapy, radio therapy, either orally or intraveously, mum kept a positive outlook and fought well. She did not shy away from her social dance classes or Qi Gong exercises and travelled much to Malaysia, Indonesia, Japan and Taiwan. She did not let others know that she was sick and instructed us to let others know she was busy with the many grand children. She lived life to the fullest as long as she could and prepared good meals for us, especially Cheryl, her firstborn grandchild, whom she helped to care for almost daily.
Unfortunately, despite much prayer and fasting and countless costly treatments, my mum died on 03 March 2008. She was one month short of her 61st birthday. She died shortly after an accidental fall. Towards the end of her life her body was all frail and skinny, much of her hair was gone so was the energy, the strength for daily activities. Looking at her on her death bed, its difficult to accept she was the one plump active mum that swam alongside me just a few years ago. Life is so unpredictable and unfair.
Soon, the opportunity came when UOB bank was to dispose of property holdings under UOL and while the property market was boring and super quiet due to the aftermath of SARS crisis, I viewed the Knight Frank showflat with mum dripping wet after our swim lesson and soon bought a seaview 829 sq ft unit. 3 months later i married yan, my long time male buddy turned boyfriend who was at that time working in Far East a huge property firm armed with a Masters in Architecture.
I had longed for an European wedding. May be it was due to my 1995 europe tour which included museums and cathedrals aplenty. I wanted to marry in CHIJMES, complete with a wedding quartet. Unfortunately, my ex church FCBC was against it, marrying in a "now commercial building with no active church services" (recently they loosen up the rules to include marrying couples in the Singapore Flyer). My parents, particularly my mum who was in charge of everything at home objected to a church wedding. She swore she would never set foot in a church so i thought that CHIJMES would do good since it was a commercial entity but the church was not for it. In the end, to please everyone and to have PEACE, Yan and I did the ROM on 15 Nov 2003 followed by a family dinner so we could use our CPF to finance the Mandarin Garden studio purchase. A customary wedding with tea reception and private family dinner was held on 13 Mar 2004, an auspicious date that clashed with a leader's meeting so both our Pre marital counsellors and pastors did not attend the wedding reception.
Now I can only dream of playing in the Quartet should Rachel marry in a church next time.
I conceived soon after the customary wedding and was almost 6 months pregnant when i suffered much bleeding due to the banking sales job that included much standing. Stress mounted and I felt pressured to leave to "save my precious unborn that i had been praying and talking to daily". As i left too early due to enormous stress, I was not eligible for the 3 months maternity benefits.
Shortly, I got a call from mum. She was very shaken and she told me her polyclinic doctor told her she had colorectal cancer. She was afraid. I was shocked too! Speechless! I remembered having casual thoughts that my mum had cancer a few weeks back and i brushed it all off as negative silly thoughts. God it was real. I assured her she will be alright and we will combine financial resources to get the best doctors to help her.
In nov 04, almost a year after i was married, my mum underwent major surgery at TTSH. She had a portion of her colon 6 inches removed. Since the cancer was in stage 3 and had affected her bladder, part of it was removed too. As a precautionary measure, they removed her womb and ovaries as well since she was done with child birth. I am angry even as i remembered this. Shortly after the operation while she was still in a daze, a young trainee doctor came and broke the news to her before discussing with us and in hokkien, her dialect, he said words that crushed our spirits and mum's. "Auntie, no good, all spread already, spoil already" If i am not a christian i would had punched him in the face and of all people he reminded me of that cold blooded houseman that i once fell for.
We recovered quickly from our shock and grief and my ever resourceful brother Ron then arranged for a second opinion with Dr Teo at Gleneagles. What a deep contrast. The private hospital doctor was warm and friendly and encouraged my mum through the many treatments in the next 3.5years.
Throughout her many treatments, chemotherapy, radio therapy, either orally or intraveously, mum kept a positive outlook and fought well. She did not shy away from her social dance classes or Qi Gong exercises and travelled much to Malaysia, Indonesia, Japan and Taiwan. She did not let others know that she was sick and instructed us to let others know she was busy with the many grand children. She lived life to the fullest as long as she could and prepared good meals for us, especially Cheryl, her firstborn grandchild, whom she helped to care for almost daily.
Unfortunately, despite much prayer and fasting and countless costly treatments, my mum died on 03 March 2008. She was one month short of her 61st birthday. She died shortly after an accidental fall. Towards the end of her life her body was all frail and skinny, much of her hair was gone so was the energy, the strength for daily activities. Looking at her on her death bed, its difficult to accept she was the one plump active mum that swam alongside me just a few years ago. Life is so unpredictable and unfair.
Remembering Mum Part II
Mother's day is coming. I personally felt neutral concerning this highly commercialised event. Its the season when the advertisements cried out for your attention. You need to "have a heart" and BUY flowers, diamonds, bags, shoes, clothes or whatever your mum fancies, from the massage to massage chairs, the delicacy, the health tonic, to the condo or holiday to appreciate her hard work of bringing you up etc.
I personally am more practical. I prefer cds to flowers. In fact, all i need is HELP with the chores and TIME OUT shopping or exercising and i will be filled to the brim with HAPPINESS and PEACE.
I remembered making much effort as a little girl, I drew a card to wish my mum HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. I cant remember what was it that I had colour penciled very well, with fine continuous strokes, a technique that I taught myself after I chanced upon it on the boxes of colour pencils in the book store. Well, I presented my mum with that card. "Aiya, what's the use of this?" she did not even looked at what i had drawn and dumped it straight in the red old pail that was the kitchen trash bin. Needless to say, I was deeply hurt, wanting much to save what was to me that beautiful effort but yet I was too adverse to picking stuff from the yucky trash bin. I was in primary school at the time of this incident and what i did, the card was actually a suggestion from the school teacher, to show our love and appreciation for our mothers.
Then, there was the ruby ring. I bought her a ruby ring when I started to work as an auditor. I did not earn much $1300 was my gross starting pay. I knew she like jewellery as she often complained she "had nothing to wear". So i saved and bought this $600 cheap ring, thinking she would be so overjoyed at the sight of it. The sales man was praising me for my "filial piety" and I was feeling great. Unfortunately, mum thought it a waste of money. She even said the ring was "Ugly" how am i going to wear it?" She just kept it for a long long time in the cupboard. Maybe that's why i am not a jewellery, real or cosmetic, person. I had long pawned the wedding jewellery for cash, I remembered for Rachel's immunisation when we were in financial difficulty then soon after she was born in 2005 and i left the bank job without the maternity compensation due to pregnancy bleeding.
Contrast that with the church i grew up in Geylang. Well, as a ladies committee leader, I was also prayer committee leader and sunday school teacher. One sunday i bought and made carnation gifts to all mums. Many thanked and hugged me. I had single-handedly prepared the flowers almost 50 of them, over night with little cards to thank and appreciate them, the mums. I did gave my mum one but she prefer lilies she said and soon that "gift" was cast aside and withered.
In the later years, we celebrated mother's day with family dinners and lots of gifts ranging from watches, diamond jewellery to bags. My mother liked it most when everyone could gather for a good family meal. Everyone especially the grand children.
Looking back, I wished my mum was more patient with me. That she would express her love for me physically and verbally. Afterall, being the eldest, I was often beaten up much for disobedience which included becoming a follower of Christ, as well as for the many faults of my siblings. I had to grow up fast and be an efficient helper be it at cooking; fetching 7 year old sister home from a near by primary school, baby sit my siblings who are only slightly younger and helping with the many endless household chores plus my dad's business as in preparing the ingredients or even as a food stall assistant after school. I was raised to be a DOer. Do this and that, checklist this and that. I still live life clearing my endless check lists both on paper and in the mind day and night. I am still learning to REST physically and also to REST in the Lord.
Now that i am a mother, I am definitely a YES mum. With my mum, before you can ask her for anything, the answer is always NO. Soon, I learnt to not ask but update her after what I had done which can be rebellion to her.
So, if I can give in, I WILL always do so to make Rachel HAPPY. I love her. I love being with her and I had taken care of her since day one when she was a helpless but cute and lovely baby. When she is naughty at times i tried not to hit her but sometimes I lose my patience and she get a smack on her still chubby thighs. Still I am a pretty much self controlled and loving mum, much more patient compared to my mother who had 4x the number of children and therefore many more times the stress!)
This Mother's Day, I commit myself to be a wonderful mum as I choose the challenging but rewarding path of home schooling Rachel. Lord I depend on you to coach her well. i believe together with Yan Rachel will be well brought up in love. She will be dearly cherished and highly favoured. Thank you Jesus for the priviledge of being her mother- the one person that will influence her the most in her life. I will do my best and enjoy it.
I personally am more practical. I prefer cds to flowers. In fact, all i need is HELP with the chores and TIME OUT shopping or exercising and i will be filled to the brim with HAPPINESS and PEACE.
I remembered making much effort as a little girl, I drew a card to wish my mum HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. I cant remember what was it that I had colour penciled very well, with fine continuous strokes, a technique that I taught myself after I chanced upon it on the boxes of colour pencils in the book store. Well, I presented my mum with that card. "Aiya, what's the use of this?" she did not even looked at what i had drawn and dumped it straight in the red old pail that was the kitchen trash bin. Needless to say, I was deeply hurt, wanting much to save what was to me that beautiful effort but yet I was too adverse to picking stuff from the yucky trash bin. I was in primary school at the time of this incident and what i did, the card was actually a suggestion from the school teacher, to show our love and appreciation for our mothers.
Then, there was the ruby ring. I bought her a ruby ring when I started to work as an auditor. I did not earn much $1300 was my gross starting pay. I knew she like jewellery as she often complained she "had nothing to wear". So i saved and bought this $600 cheap ring, thinking she would be so overjoyed at the sight of it. The sales man was praising me for my "filial piety" and I was feeling great. Unfortunately, mum thought it a waste of money. She even said the ring was "Ugly" how am i going to wear it?" She just kept it for a long long time in the cupboard. Maybe that's why i am not a jewellery, real or cosmetic, person. I had long pawned the wedding jewellery for cash, I remembered for Rachel's immunisation when we were in financial difficulty then soon after she was born in 2005 and i left the bank job without the maternity compensation due to pregnancy bleeding.
Contrast that with the church i grew up in Geylang. Well, as a ladies committee leader, I was also prayer committee leader and sunday school teacher. One sunday i bought and made carnation gifts to all mums. Many thanked and hugged me. I had single-handedly prepared the flowers almost 50 of them, over night with little cards to thank and appreciate them, the mums. I did gave my mum one but she prefer lilies she said and soon that "gift" was cast aside and withered.
In the later years, we celebrated mother's day with family dinners and lots of gifts ranging from watches, diamond jewellery to bags. My mother liked it most when everyone could gather for a good family meal. Everyone especially the grand children.
Looking back, I wished my mum was more patient with me. That she would express her love for me physically and verbally. Afterall, being the eldest, I was often beaten up much for disobedience which included becoming a follower of Christ, as well as for the many faults of my siblings. I had to grow up fast and be an efficient helper be it at cooking; fetching 7 year old sister home from a near by primary school, baby sit my siblings who are only slightly younger and helping with the many endless household chores plus my dad's business as in preparing the ingredients or even as a food stall assistant after school. I was raised to be a DOer. Do this and that, checklist this and that. I still live life clearing my endless check lists both on paper and in the mind day and night. I am still learning to REST physically and also to REST in the Lord.
Now that i am a mother, I am definitely a YES mum. With my mum, before you can ask her for anything, the answer is always NO. Soon, I learnt to not ask but update her after what I had done which can be rebellion to her.
So, if I can give in, I WILL always do so to make Rachel HAPPY. I love her. I love being with her and I had taken care of her since day one when she was a helpless but cute and lovely baby. When she is naughty at times i tried not to hit her but sometimes I lose my patience and she get a smack on her still chubby thighs. Still I am a pretty much self controlled and loving mum, much more patient compared to my mother who had 4x the number of children and therefore many more times the stress!)
This Mother's Day, I commit myself to be a wonderful mum as I choose the challenging but rewarding path of home schooling Rachel. Lord I depend on you to coach her well. i believe together with Yan Rachel will be well brought up in love. She will be dearly cherished and highly favoured. Thank you Jesus for the priviledge of being her mother- the one person that will influence her the most in her life. I will do my best and enjoy it.
Remembering Mum Part I
Sigh...been wanting to blog but the PC, the terrible PC was down. Then there was the whole long episode of my mum being very gravely ill and eventually she left. Sigh. Then there was the whole phase of everything reminded me of her, yes, even onions. Sigh.
Well, I was making English Onion Soup. I did a lot of chopping and slicing and cutting after my gastromic idol Jamie Oliver (Oh how he had aged!! and expanded much???). Well Jamie cried cutting onions on the DVD, Jamie at Home but not me. Afterall, I remembered preparing loads of onions, kilos of it, with my mum, for my dad's noodle stall business. My mum would tear much even putting on the auntie brown shades, for me, perhaps the contact lenses which i wear daily (I feel naked without them not to mention almost blind), well the faithful lenses protected my eyes from the sulphur compounds emitted that triggered the tears.
Then i remembered i was often asked to run emergency errands while mum was cooking. Unlike me, I am much more organised, she would realised while cooking that she had forgotten this crucial ingredient or that "must have" condiment and rushed me to grab them from the provision shops below our flats in Sims drive. So I literally drop everything to get them for her before the cooking was done. Its usually the corn starch, the dark soya sauce or the canned mushrooms.
I think i pretty much learnt cooking not from watching Jamie though I find his programmes and cookbooks an entertaining godsend. I had afterall, watched over many a pot and wok in action while I was asked to prepare the ingredients. My favourite was the motar and pestle thingy and i remembered crushing the Jacob's biscuits so mum could coat the chickens and prawns for deep frying. Her cooking idol was Fang Tai, Mrs Fang? Mrs Square (iliterally. HAHAHA) she learnt much especially the spring rolls and ngoh hiang ( miss it badly) and the "golden money bags" made from deep frying filled turned out Tau Poks.
As my father's business improved over the decades, we turned to food processors and ready made ingredients like fish meat to prepare the fish balls. When i was in primary school, each morning i would carefully trod through the whole kitchen floor full of stinky fish, yellow fins and another carp like one. My parents would remove the entails, gross, very gross, bloody and yucky stuff and descale the many kilos of fish. They would prepare the fish, to obtain the fish meat as early as 5 am while we get ready to go to school by walking of course, in the eerily dark with the super heavy school bags and thick and uncomfortable shirt and pinafore for the stupid assembly by 645am.
Well, I was making English Onion Soup. I did a lot of chopping and slicing and cutting after my gastromic idol Jamie Oliver (Oh how he had aged!! and expanded much???). Well Jamie cried cutting onions on the DVD, Jamie at Home but not me. Afterall, I remembered preparing loads of onions, kilos of it, with my mum, for my dad's noodle stall business. My mum would tear much even putting on the auntie brown shades, for me, perhaps the contact lenses which i wear daily (I feel naked without them not to mention almost blind), well the faithful lenses protected my eyes from the sulphur compounds emitted that triggered the tears.
Then i remembered i was often asked to run emergency errands while mum was cooking. Unlike me, I am much more organised, she would realised while cooking that she had forgotten this crucial ingredient or that "must have" condiment and rushed me to grab them from the provision shops below our flats in Sims drive. So I literally drop everything to get them for her before the cooking was done. Its usually the corn starch, the dark soya sauce or the canned mushrooms.
I think i pretty much learnt cooking not from watching Jamie though I find his programmes and cookbooks an entertaining godsend. I had afterall, watched over many a pot and wok in action while I was asked to prepare the ingredients. My favourite was the motar and pestle thingy and i remembered crushing the Jacob's biscuits so mum could coat the chickens and prawns for deep frying. Her cooking idol was Fang Tai, Mrs Fang? Mrs Square (iliterally. HAHAHA) she learnt much especially the spring rolls and ngoh hiang ( miss it badly) and the "golden money bags" made from deep frying filled turned out Tau Poks.
As my father's business improved over the decades, we turned to food processors and ready made ingredients like fish meat to prepare the fish balls. When i was in primary school, each morning i would carefully trod through the whole kitchen floor full of stinky fish, yellow fins and another carp like one. My parents would remove the entails, gross, very gross, bloody and yucky stuff and descale the many kilos of fish. They would prepare the fish, to obtain the fish meat as early as 5 am while we get ready to go to school by walking of course, in the eerily dark with the super heavy school bags and thick and uncomfortable shirt and pinafore for the stupid assembly by 645am.
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