Waiting kills. Especially for someone like me who like to make decisions quickly and move fast. I was now 29. I was so sick and tired of waiting ( I wanted to give up on this person but I had to wait on as it was clearly God's instruction for me). The burden in my heart was getting too heavy for me to bear. This was robbing me of much joy, I soon found it tough to laugh or even smile. I became rather inward looking and melancholic as well.
I always wanted to marry early. I don't know why but early means between 25-30, May be I grew up in the small family church since I was 13 and had attended one wedding too many. I handled babies and children and I wanted very much to have my own kids one day.
Another Romantic Dream
When I was much younger in my late teens, I dreamt I entered a bright spacious room. There was a beautiful white grand piano and a man all dressed in white tuxedo playing a very romantic piece which i now know its Chopin Fantasisie. The pianist stopped playing and came over to dance with me a waltz. The light behind him was so bright all I could see was he had very thick dark eyebrows and was also of a medium sized physique.
Again, the thick eyebrows. I was convinced I was going to marry someone with those features. I had no doubt that I will marry one day only WHEN???But I always had a premonition that I would marry latest 30.
By now I was 29 and getting very disillusioned with my single life. Suddenly I started to have a new burden, a different sort that I needed to share with Guy #3 how I had been feeling about him. Each day this burden grew and for some reasons he started to come back to church services and even voluntarily moved to sit next to me twice. Boy was I elated! Smiling from ear to ear for the whole service. There was also an occasion in the past where I was unexpectedly asked to sing with him on Year 2000 first worship service. It took 2 lead vocals to be be sick and one to suffer migraine headaches for me to fill that much coveted place beside him in his team. That service to sing alongside the one I love was most memorable. We even had to hold hands per pastor instruction as we sing worship back up. OMG!!!!!!!!!
That Note
All these accounts seemed so spiritual. Hahaha. I was pretty much unprepared for what was to come. One sunday after church service, I felt so heavy laden and sad with the burden of unrequitted feelings that i passed him a note. It was part of that sunday's church bulletin. I found a pen and wrote very briefly in a sentence that I liked him. I passed that crumpled tiny piece of paper to him instructing him to read only when he was home and fled the scene almost immediately. Strangly, I felt much much better, a heavy burden had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe easier. Suddenly he appeared out of no where said "Hi and Bye" in the same breathe and dashed to work. I don't know what to think or feel any more. I had done the Ultimate! I had let him know how I felt towards him. I wished I could share my heart in person with him but I get all nervy and tongue tied when I was with him. I was also constantly worrying if I looked my best. It was so stressful!!
Well nothing happened.
One day passed. A whole week passed. Nothing. No calls. Nothing.
By then the silence was getting deadly. Did he lose the note? Can't be.
Still nothing.
Sigh..I sort of gave up that there was going to be any reply. I mean, look, more than a month had passed. I tried to live life per normal going to work in various temporary assignments. At the back of my mind I felt sort of uneasy. Did I do the right thing??? Why am I so stupid?? I think I just shot myself in the foot etc My many a thoughts nagged at me day and night.
That Email
I was temping in this MNC. It was no joke serving Ang Mohs. As a temp admin person I had to make cappuccino for the bosses, book taxis, make air ticket and restuarant reservations and help claim the various hefty VISA and Mastercard bills. I even had to arrange "accomodation" for visiting "lovers" say on Bali business trip. (And the poor spouses and children were in singapore)
Well there was this unusually quiet day where every Ang Moh was out at an overseas conference and I was so free. Out of boredom I started to surf the net and checked my hotmail account. OMG!! There was a mail from Guy #3 just a day ago. I was filled with mixed feelings, more fear than excitement I would say.
I read that email with tears running down my make up. It was such a pain to read and re read and re read and read between the lines and read again and again and again. He started by saying that he was really busy and did not want to respond inappropriately. (As if email was an appropriate means of communication). He felt flattered by the attention but the answer was NO! He believed he had his own choice and even "advised" that there was no need to avoid each other etc etc etc. I don't know men!!! I thought he sounded so cruelly diplomatic as if someone else had been tasked to write that mail.
I was so distraught at work. thankfully that day there was not much work. I cried my heart out to God in the ladies for a long time. Returning to my desk only to continue tearing and tearing. I felt so lousy!! so devastated!! So unworthy!! All I could do was call and cried to Guy #5, my latest closest buddy, what Guy #3 just said in his email. Guy #5 offered much empathy and sympathy and was really understanding. For a guy he was great at expressing his thoughts and feelings and he listened much and said nice things to encourage me. Still I was very upset.
Was it depression???
Still the tearing could not stop. I cried all the way home on the Express Bus still reading the printed email that I had deleted. I can't remember crying so much in my life. I cried day and night for almost a month. Nobody knew how I felt except Guy #5 who called me occasionally to check on me, offering his listening ears. I had never felt so depressed in my life. I lost my appetite preferring to just drink coffee or juices or fruits. I was sad and angry at the same time. I felt heart pains. It was so real that I went for an ECG and the result was ok. I can't sleep well and as much as I want to move on, the email contents keep surfacing in my head and dreams.
This was the first time I was rejected. ( I had turned down many guys before in person and as tactfully as I can) But this email rejection was TOO MUCH. I wished I hadn't seen it or read it. Its like the mailer thought so lowly of me that he would rather use email to reply me. I felt like SHIT. I felt I was treated like SHIT. How could he?????????????
I lost interest in life so to speak. Day and night I listened to sad music that could express the sad feelings in my heart. Now I know it was Mozart's Requiem. It was like someone died in my heart. A sudden premature death. I often sighed deeply, painfully at home but my parents were busy working to notice any thing. Every one else was busy with school and exams etc. I felt so alone and soon I turned all the confusion to GOD. WHY? WHY? WHY? was a question that God seldom answers. Deep in my heart I still love and revere God but I just cannot understand why? didn't this Guy#3 tally with the dreams and so on??? Why was there green light and even spiritually arranged meetings??? etc. And of course WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM? That one really hurt A LOT.
A changed Person
Guy #3 broke my heart. After Jesus he was the one that changed me the most. I mean, look I was no longer the happy go lucky socialite wannabe. I had so much pain in my heart that I found it difficult to praise God even. Nevertheless "I will sing" just like Don Moen did when his mother died and he did not feel like worshipping God. I did not turn to alcohol like I did when I had to give up Guy #1, I went shopping instead and incurred quite a lot of debt. I also bought a digital piano with reference speakers. I wanted to be able to express my feelings, however painful they were through music. I told myself I may not feel like singing praises to God but I can worship with music. I can play the piano, a little at a time and allow God to heal me body soul and spirit. For the first time I wanted to be a musician, I loved the piano since I was a kid but had no opportunity for piano lessons as my food seller dad had to support 4 kids and (a wife and 2 kids from his previous marriage) when i was in primary school.
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Finally Guy #3- PART TWO
So Guy #3 went to army. He was a MO, medical officer. However, his attitude was such that he continued to serve God whenever he could on stage. I still got to see him on stage once a month. I had his contacts and address from the worship team directory but NOPE, I was not going to call him. I wanted him to come to me so that I could know for sure that he was the ONE and how blest I was.
I Miss Him
Whenever we did meet back stage, (I love to hang out backstage with the musicians and vocals. It's so family) he would share his army stories. He even told me that he was heading Taiwan for military training and came back exclaiming that Taiwan boast of many beautiful girls. Boy!!!Once again I felt I was not beautiful enough for him. When I looked into the mirror I only saw spots, by now, after so much canoeing without sunblock in my JC days, I developed freckles and brownspots all concentrated on my cheeks. I looked like strawberry shortcake sans sunhat!!!!. My complexion had suffered much due to audit work stress and much alcohol and caffine fixes that my skin became combination. Oily and dry at the same time. My beautiful hair was cropped shortest like a boy with a slope when I entered the A Girls Trampoline competition. It was no joke when your own long pony tail slapped you in the face after each somersault. Since then I alternated between shoulder lengthed hair and short bobs. I had short to medium hair at this point.
I really miss him much Lord
Once I missed him so much, I told God I wanted to SEE him. (just see from a distance also good). That day my pleasure craft cruising, horse riding, violin playing, fun filled piano teacher friend suggested we head NYDC at Holland V. We were deciding what to order for our dinner when OMG. He just walked past our table with his arms around another similarly botak army friend. The whole group of MOs just left the restuarant and he was among the last two. OMG. I cant believe my eyes. I told my dinner mate its him. She said " You are Crazy. He should be in army. "It's really him I swear!!!" and bolted out to "catch" him. I called out to him and he was surprised to meet me. I was dumbfolded and tongue tied and so elated to see him at the same time. He lost much weight and looked handsome even though his hair was cropped so short "botak" but alas he had to returned to camp with his gang.
Shopping Experience
The next week, while I was shopping with the NYDC dinnermate, looking at men's clothes, wondering when I be able to buy male attire as a gift, when a familiar voice crept up near my right ear. "You two are shopping again!" (In Mandarin!!) OMG...I shuddered. Its him!!! The same gang of MOs were shopping at Ngee Ann City. I had goosebumps when I met him so suddenly. And why were the army medical officers shopping?????????
There were many other revelations and "prophecies" given by my cell leaders, vocalist friends that I am not at liberty to share. Like wise, I had many more interesting dreams that by now were blurry in details.
It was a matter of time before Guy #3 was to ORD. (complete his national service). In the mean time whenever we did meet at church or on the bus we would chit chat a bit. Unfortunately, he was not very open with his thoughts and feelings type. He's a melancholic choleric temperament whereas I was Sanguine Choleric. Opposites ATTRACT!
Each day I continued to cover him with prayers and as a direct result of praying much I also became much closer to God, my Heavenly Father.
Unexpected Changes
Soon Guy #3 ORD. I was happy and relieved that his army days were over. Hopefully, he would be more ready for our growing friendship. However, he caught me off guard when he signed up with SIF to serve Afghanistan for almost 6 months. His job was to help vaccinate the poor and needy children. This was such an honourable duty that God had indeed gifted him to do so. So off he went, there was no news of him for 6 months. So my waiting period was prolonged.
When he was finally back, he decided to give a shot at stardom and auditioned for the Star Search.I was wondering how his traditional parents would react. And boy!!! Was there WAR in his family when he told his parents that he wanted to GIVE UP his medical career. Any way thank God he was one aged contestant in a competition that favours sweet young things, I did not have to worry about dating a celebrity which to me was horrifying. No privacy!! Unwanted publicity etc. Guy #3 went on to work in several polyclinics and hospitals.
As a very busy young doctor, he stepped down from the worship ministry and was soon hardly seen in church. I called him but he told me he needed a break from attending church services. He was truly that busy.
Still Waiting in Vain
By now almost 3 years had past. I was still waiting in vain. I had not seen him for a while but I did not want to drop by the clinic just to see him. "Come On. It is not appropriate. He is working" I often said to myself. I even sent him tickets to the church album recording concert where I was performing. "As if he had time to attend..Haha" Soon there was a long blackout. I mean there was no news no contact whatever with this busy Guy#3. Each day my heart grew a bit wearier and heavier, could I stop praying soon Lord???Sigh!! Its becoming such a chore!!!!
I Miss Him
Whenever we did meet back stage, (I love to hang out backstage with the musicians and vocals. It's so family) he would share his army stories. He even told me that he was heading Taiwan for military training and came back exclaiming that Taiwan boast of many beautiful girls. Boy!!!Once again I felt I was not beautiful enough for him. When I looked into the mirror I only saw spots, by now, after so much canoeing without sunblock in my JC days, I developed freckles and brownspots all concentrated on my cheeks. I looked like strawberry shortcake sans sunhat!!!!. My complexion had suffered much due to audit work stress and much alcohol and caffine fixes that my skin became combination. Oily and dry at the same time. My beautiful hair was cropped shortest like a boy with a slope when I entered the A Girls Trampoline competition. It was no joke when your own long pony tail slapped you in the face after each somersault. Since then I alternated between shoulder lengthed hair and short bobs. I had short to medium hair at this point.
I really miss him much Lord
Once I missed him so much, I told God I wanted to SEE him. (just see from a distance also good). That day my pleasure craft cruising, horse riding, violin playing, fun filled piano teacher friend suggested we head NYDC at Holland V. We were deciding what to order for our dinner when OMG. He just walked past our table with his arms around another similarly botak army friend. The whole group of MOs just left the restuarant and he was among the last two. OMG. I cant believe my eyes. I told my dinner mate its him. She said " You are Crazy. He should be in army. "It's really him I swear!!!" and bolted out to "catch" him. I called out to him and he was surprised to meet me. I was dumbfolded and tongue tied and so elated to see him at the same time. He lost much weight and looked handsome even though his hair was cropped so short "botak" but alas he had to returned to camp with his gang.
Shopping Experience
The next week, while I was shopping with the NYDC dinnermate, looking at men's clothes, wondering when I be able to buy male attire as a gift, when a familiar voice crept up near my right ear. "You two are shopping again!" (In Mandarin!!) OMG...I shuddered. Its him!!! The same gang of MOs were shopping at Ngee Ann City. I had goosebumps when I met him so suddenly. And why were the army medical officers shopping?????????
There were many other revelations and "prophecies" given by my cell leaders, vocalist friends that I am not at liberty to share. Like wise, I had many more interesting dreams that by now were blurry in details.
It was a matter of time before Guy #3 was to ORD. (complete his national service). In the mean time whenever we did meet at church or on the bus we would chit chat a bit. Unfortunately, he was not very open with his thoughts and feelings type. He's a melancholic choleric temperament whereas I was Sanguine Choleric. Opposites ATTRACT!
Each day I continued to cover him with prayers and as a direct result of praying much I also became much closer to God, my Heavenly Father.
Unexpected Changes
Soon Guy #3 ORD. I was happy and relieved that his army days were over. Hopefully, he would be more ready for our growing friendship. However, he caught me off guard when he signed up with SIF to serve Afghanistan for almost 6 months. His job was to help vaccinate the poor and needy children. This was such an honourable duty that God had indeed gifted him to do so. So off he went, there was no news of him for 6 months. So my waiting period was prolonged.
When he was finally back, he decided to give a shot at stardom and auditioned for the Star Search.I was wondering how his traditional parents would react. And boy!!! Was there WAR in his family when he told his parents that he wanted to GIVE UP his medical career. Any way thank God he was one aged contestant in a competition that favours sweet young things, I did not have to worry about dating a celebrity which to me was horrifying. No privacy!! Unwanted publicity etc. Guy #3 went on to work in several polyclinics and hospitals.
As a very busy young doctor, he stepped down from the worship ministry and was soon hardly seen in church. I called him but he told me he needed a break from attending church services. He was truly that busy.
Still Waiting in Vain
By now almost 3 years had past. I was still waiting in vain. I had not seen him for a while but I did not want to drop by the clinic just to see him. "Come On. It is not appropriate. He is working" I often said to myself. I even sent him tickets to the church album recording concert where I was performing. "As if he had time to attend..Haha" Soon there was a long blackout. I mean there was no news no contact whatever with this busy Guy#3. Each day my heart grew a bit wearier and heavier, could I stop praying soon Lord???Sigh!! Its becoming such a chore!!!!
Finally Guy # 3- PART ONE
As mentioned in my earlier post, Guy #3 is THE ONE big heart ache. This story may sound incredible to some but for us Christians, it is part and parcel of how God moulds us and strengthens us sometimes.
It was 1999, I was sick and tired of dating the "wrong" people. Actually I never considered them dates, usually movies and dinner with people that I cannot connect with. So one fine day, actually it was one night after my usual Worship Devotional Time with God, reading the Bible and praying, I laid my burden to God. By this time, I had moved out and was staying alone in my friend's vacant pre-renovated Bishan flat.
Show me Lord!
"Show me who is the one that you want me to marry, Lord?" I waited in His Presence. Nothing. God did not answer immediately. That very night, I had a strange dream, I was in what looked like the backstage of a building and the stairs OMG, the stairs lead all the way into heaven. There were clouds. Gingerly I took a step up and suddenly out of no where, a man came from behind me and held my right hand. He was medium sized and all I could see was he had very thick eyebrows. He was sporting a army botak hairstyle and we ran happily up the stairs. It was exhilarating!!!!
I woke immediately. Knowing that God had given me this dream. I felt assured that he had indeed prepared someone for me. Someone with the same calling, for we were heading the same direction upwards to heaven. But I can't see clearly who this guy was though I had a weird sense that this person was very near.
At that time, I had just transferred my membership to this mega church in the East. I was so happy that I could finally serve God in the ministry that I loved. I had tried before all sorts of ministries, prayer ministries drained me easily, nursery and children ministries were too tiring physically, I felt like a auntie forever cleaning after the kid's mess and boy I was horrified and refused to clean baby vomit and poo.There was also not much peace with the screaming kids. The handicap ministry was very depressing to me, one visit to the Cheshire Home and I had countless sleepless nights and nightmares, I felt so sorry for the severely handicapped residents that I seriously thought that they were better off somewhere else. I was deeply saddened by their long term physical and mental sufferings.
Anyway, I finally can sing lead vocal. Actually one of the lead vocals that usually carry the melody line as my harmonising was bad. I get thrown off by other people's singing. Hahaha. I love to sing.
OMG It's him
One saturday, I nonchalantly entered the backstage to ready myself for my worship vocal duty and a guy called out to me. "Hey I know you, You are TS's friend." TS was one of my two VJC male buddies. We often studied together, went for fast food meals and movies. He was from VS and had cleft lip and I sort of pitied him as most girls avoided him. Both TS and Win I brought them to my church, they were brothers in christ as well but my stand up sit down hymnal ex-church was too boring for them. They preferred to attend somewhere else.
But this guy, Guy #3, looked familiar but I cannot recall where I had seen him. He seemed to know me and that's the eerie part but I was considered quite High Profile in JC as a trampolining gymnast who often hang out with guys in my leotard (with shorts la!!!! Think What????). During those days my skin was perfect, no pimples, blemishes, hardly moles and freckles and I had very long silky layered hair all the way to near the waist. I could almost do a shampoo commercial!!!!!! Hahaha
Previous Encounters
Of course with the help of the Holy Spirit, I was finally able to recall the circumstances under which I met this guy #3. Now that i recalled these scenes, its almost funny:
Scene One:
TS had just finished his band practice. The band room was in the canteen. TS met me and said he wanted to introduce to me his good friend from VS who was flutist in the band. TS played French Horn and would often practice in front of me when I idle about in the canteen sipping coffee awaiting my next lesson. Sometimes I would watched him clean or polish his brass equipment. I was in the commerce stream since I was not keen on science and my parents said that humanities had no future, I had also given up English Literature which I was interested in to spend more time on my ailing Accounting sujects. In fact, the breaks in between my lessons were so long that I often go movies, shopping and even canoeing.
TS's friend was none other than a very young Guy # 3. He was quite small size for a JC student, had short wavy hair and very thick eye brows. When we were introduced to each other, he did not maintain any eye contact, neither did he smile or shook my hands. His hands were firmly imbedded in both pant pockets. He did not even say Hi or Hello and frankly, he was the rudest person I ever get to know in my life. Remember by this time I had been in my small family church for almost 4 years and I related well to every one from babies to elderly. I don't know why, may be I was having PMS or period or something but I felt offended and was pissed with his new "friend". I remembered exclaiming aloud suddenly that I was going home and I left telling God "this guy is so rude, I don't want to have anything to do with him."
Scene Two
It was Sunday and this sunday TS had invited me to attend his new church which was Guy #3's home church. We were to meet at Toa Payoh and then to take a cab to SLF building. This charismatic church was growing by leaps and bound and many fell under God's power during services. This was very new to me as my non denominational church was mostly about about singing hymns and bible study. We certainly know about God but we were not yet experiencing God in his healing, deliverance and salvation. Both TS and Guy #3 were late. I waited in vain during those pre-handphone days. I only had a Motorola pager much later the next year. After waiting for almost 30 minutes, I gave up attending that SLF service, afterall, my then pastor had preached that it was a cult and that only cults grew fast and furious.
Interesting note: This SLF services were the early beginings of the East Mega church I served as a worship vocalist in. HEE
So here I was staring at Guy # 3 seated on the stairs and having no idea where I had seen him before. Afterall, more than 10 years had past since scene no 1 and 2 happened and we had all grown physically to be very much more attractive. So I actually "know" Guy #3 beforehand.
Well...Feelings grew
Guy #3 was handsome. Medium physique and had very dark slightly wavy hair and very thick eyebrows. His tenor voice was powerful when he sings and sounded quite high pitched when he speaks. (Almost a bit cartoony). He was a very busy houseman with NUH. Coincidentally my sil (Sister in law) was working along side with him in the wards when she was a NUH nurse.
According to my sil, many nurses and trainee nurses, were head over heals with him. He often broke out in song when he was in the resting rooms and even generously ordered pizza for the staff nurses. In church, i know of many girls in the worship team who were jostling to get to know him. Even my super glued friend was deeply smitten.
But AH HA...the catch. He was a very aloof person. He seemed almost unfriendly, living in his own BUBBLE. I was among the priviledged few that was able to dine with him in a group and asked him much about his work and family. In fact, it was a matter of time that I fell for him too, how not to, when that handsome face looked intently at yours when having a common meal. (For the first time I forgot to eat and I lost my voice so to speak). Plus he really sang like a Russell Watson wannabe and could play a mean guitar to lead worship. He was even chosen to be trained as a worship leader and was given many priviledge appearances on stage.
So with time, I grew to be extremely fond of Guy #3 as well. However, competition was so tense, there were many eligible ladies fighting to be near him and he seemed the traditional sort, I was perhaps too wild for him. Afterall, I love bikinis, mini skirts and had given many the impression that I was easy... with many eligible guys or "boyfriends" around me. Deep down inside I felt I was not good enough for him, I mean he was going to be a medical professional, he told me he aspired to be an oncologist and I was selling insurance for a living.
I had struggled much and managed to graduate with an accountancy degree of which I was not at all keen. I had also earlier broken a bond with my previous audit firm. It was ridiculous but for 6 months I had no pay as my pay was meant to pay for leaving the firm earlier than contracted. It was a stupid contract that I did not read carefully. This audit firm binds us for 2 years and if you should leave earlier it was considered a breach and you need to repay the firm the no of months in lieu. I briefly chatted with a lawyer friend who said there was no precedence and I might as well pay and leave peacefully rather than incur hefty legal fees. Remaining in the job was not an option as I literally dragged myself to work and quite often we worked past mid night. In those days, fresh graduates were being bullied upside down. I worked on weekends as well and we were not allowed any leave or medical leave unless emergencies for 6 months which was the peak period.
Another silly point was I was then residing with 5 other family members in a 3 room flat of 54 sq m. We were crammed like sardines when it was bed time and to me the house was always in a mess. No matter how you packed it, the very ultra old furniture needed to make way for the new. Many things ought to be discarded. You see our new 5 room flat at Sengkang was long long long overdue. (We waited a total 6 years for it, in finally came 2001. HDB!!!!!!!). I was determined not to have a boyfriend before I had a new place or room. I can't imagine my guy looking at the mess and concluding that I would be a sloppy future domestic manager. I was that house proud!!!!
Somehow feelings ruled. Boldly I asked God to prepare me, to mould me to be a good wife. God told me that I was to pray for him until he told me to stop. I obeyed and prayed for him daily using the book The Power of a Praying Wife as a rough guide.
Occasionally when I did not see him at vocal meetings or church meetings I would doubt alot. You sure God?? Did I hear you correctly??? He tallied with the dream, was he really the ONE????
I am a Dreamer
One night I dreamt he was going to be enlisted. The next day when my team was on duty, (he was in a different team, Thank God, other wise I could not concentrate singing. Hahaha.) he came to tell me that he was going to army in Mandarin. (Aiya, I dont know why guys usually speak to me in Mandarin, may be my phoenix almond eyes screams CHEENA). Immediately I told him I dreamt that he was going army the night before. "Then you must pray for me. I old already can't run liao" (So cute!!!) Ya...I had forgotten, at the age of 27, he had not yet serve his national service, for he had deferred them to study medicine.....a 6 year course. No wonder God said I was to WAIT for him. I felt priviledged to be given this probably 2.5 year long prayer assignment.
It was 1999, I was sick and tired of dating the "wrong" people. Actually I never considered them dates, usually movies and dinner with people that I cannot connect with. So one fine day, actually it was one night after my usual Worship Devotional Time with God, reading the Bible and praying, I laid my burden to God. By this time, I had moved out and was staying alone in my friend's vacant pre-renovated Bishan flat.
Show me Lord!
"Show me who is the one that you want me to marry, Lord?" I waited in His Presence. Nothing. God did not answer immediately. That very night, I had a strange dream, I was in what looked like the backstage of a building and the stairs OMG, the stairs lead all the way into heaven. There were clouds. Gingerly I took a step up and suddenly out of no where, a man came from behind me and held my right hand. He was medium sized and all I could see was he had very thick eyebrows. He was sporting a army botak hairstyle and we ran happily up the stairs. It was exhilarating!!!!
I woke immediately. Knowing that God had given me this dream. I felt assured that he had indeed prepared someone for me. Someone with the same calling, for we were heading the same direction upwards to heaven. But I can't see clearly who this guy was though I had a weird sense that this person was very near.
At that time, I had just transferred my membership to this mega church in the East. I was so happy that I could finally serve God in the ministry that I loved. I had tried before all sorts of ministries, prayer ministries drained me easily, nursery and children ministries were too tiring physically, I felt like a auntie forever cleaning after the kid's mess and boy I was horrified and refused to clean baby vomit and poo.There was also not much peace with the screaming kids. The handicap ministry was very depressing to me, one visit to the Cheshire Home and I had countless sleepless nights and nightmares, I felt so sorry for the severely handicapped residents that I seriously thought that they were better off somewhere else. I was deeply saddened by their long term physical and mental sufferings.
Anyway, I finally can sing lead vocal. Actually one of the lead vocals that usually carry the melody line as my harmonising was bad. I get thrown off by other people's singing. Hahaha. I love to sing.
OMG It's him
One saturday, I nonchalantly entered the backstage to ready myself for my worship vocal duty and a guy called out to me. "Hey I know you, You are TS's friend." TS was one of my two VJC male buddies. We often studied together, went for fast food meals and movies. He was from VS and had cleft lip and I sort of pitied him as most girls avoided him. Both TS and Win I brought them to my church, they were brothers in christ as well but my stand up sit down hymnal ex-church was too boring for them. They preferred to attend somewhere else.
But this guy, Guy #3, looked familiar but I cannot recall where I had seen him. He seemed to know me and that's the eerie part but I was considered quite High Profile in JC as a trampolining gymnast who often hang out with guys in my leotard (with shorts la!!!! Think What????). During those days my skin was perfect, no pimples, blemishes, hardly moles and freckles and I had very long silky layered hair all the way to near the waist. I could almost do a shampoo commercial!!!!!! Hahaha
Previous Encounters
Of course with the help of the Holy Spirit, I was finally able to recall the circumstances under which I met this guy #3. Now that i recalled these scenes, its almost funny:
Scene One:
TS had just finished his band practice. The band room was in the canteen. TS met me and said he wanted to introduce to me his good friend from VS who was flutist in the band. TS played French Horn and would often practice in front of me when I idle about in the canteen sipping coffee awaiting my next lesson. Sometimes I would watched him clean or polish his brass equipment. I was in the commerce stream since I was not keen on science and my parents said that humanities had no future, I had also given up English Literature which I was interested in to spend more time on my ailing Accounting sujects. In fact, the breaks in between my lessons were so long that I often go movies, shopping and even canoeing.
TS's friend was none other than a very young Guy # 3. He was quite small size for a JC student, had short wavy hair and very thick eye brows. When we were introduced to each other, he did not maintain any eye contact, neither did he smile or shook my hands. His hands were firmly imbedded in both pant pockets. He did not even say Hi or Hello and frankly, he was the rudest person I ever get to know in my life. Remember by this time I had been in my small family church for almost 4 years and I related well to every one from babies to elderly. I don't know why, may be I was having PMS or period or something but I felt offended and was pissed with his new "friend". I remembered exclaiming aloud suddenly that I was going home and I left telling God "this guy is so rude, I don't want to have anything to do with him."
Scene Two
It was Sunday and this sunday TS had invited me to attend his new church which was Guy #3's home church. We were to meet at Toa Payoh and then to take a cab to SLF building. This charismatic church was growing by leaps and bound and many fell under God's power during services. This was very new to me as my non denominational church was mostly about about singing hymns and bible study. We certainly know about God but we were not yet experiencing God in his healing, deliverance and salvation. Both TS and Guy #3 were late. I waited in vain during those pre-handphone days. I only had a Motorola pager much later the next year. After waiting for almost 30 minutes, I gave up attending that SLF service, afterall, my then pastor had preached that it was a cult and that only cults grew fast and furious.
Interesting note: This SLF services were the early beginings of the East Mega church I served as a worship vocalist in. HEE
So here I was staring at Guy # 3 seated on the stairs and having no idea where I had seen him before. Afterall, more than 10 years had past since scene no 1 and 2 happened and we had all grown physically to be very much more attractive. So I actually "know" Guy #3 beforehand.
Well...Feelings grew
Guy #3 was handsome. Medium physique and had very dark slightly wavy hair and very thick eyebrows. His tenor voice was powerful when he sings and sounded quite high pitched when he speaks. (Almost a bit cartoony). He was a very busy houseman with NUH. Coincidentally my sil (Sister in law) was working along side with him in the wards when she was a NUH nurse.
According to my sil, many nurses and trainee nurses, were head over heals with him. He often broke out in song when he was in the resting rooms and even generously ordered pizza for the staff nurses. In church, i know of many girls in the worship team who were jostling to get to know him. Even my super glued friend was deeply smitten.
But AH HA...the catch. He was a very aloof person. He seemed almost unfriendly, living in his own BUBBLE. I was among the priviledged few that was able to dine with him in a group and asked him much about his work and family. In fact, it was a matter of time that I fell for him too, how not to, when that handsome face looked intently at yours when having a common meal. (For the first time I forgot to eat and I lost my voice so to speak). Plus he really sang like a Russell Watson wannabe and could play a mean guitar to lead worship. He was even chosen to be trained as a worship leader and was given many priviledge appearances on stage.
So with time, I grew to be extremely fond of Guy #3 as well. However, competition was so tense, there were many eligible ladies fighting to be near him and he seemed the traditional sort, I was perhaps too wild for him. Afterall, I love bikinis, mini skirts and had given many the impression that I was easy... with many eligible guys or "boyfriends" around me. Deep down inside I felt I was not good enough for him, I mean he was going to be a medical professional, he told me he aspired to be an oncologist and I was selling insurance for a living.
I had struggled much and managed to graduate with an accountancy degree of which I was not at all keen. I had also earlier broken a bond with my previous audit firm. It was ridiculous but for 6 months I had no pay as my pay was meant to pay for leaving the firm earlier than contracted. It was a stupid contract that I did not read carefully. This audit firm binds us for 2 years and if you should leave earlier it was considered a breach and you need to repay the firm the no of months in lieu. I briefly chatted with a lawyer friend who said there was no precedence and I might as well pay and leave peacefully rather than incur hefty legal fees. Remaining in the job was not an option as I literally dragged myself to work and quite often we worked past mid night. In those days, fresh graduates were being bullied upside down. I worked on weekends as well and we were not allowed any leave or medical leave unless emergencies for 6 months which was the peak period.
Another silly point was I was then residing with 5 other family members in a 3 room flat of 54 sq m. We were crammed like sardines when it was bed time and to me the house was always in a mess. No matter how you packed it, the very ultra old furniture needed to make way for the new. Many things ought to be discarded. You see our new 5 room flat at Sengkang was long long long overdue. (We waited a total 6 years for it, in finally came 2001. HDB!!!!!!!). I was determined not to have a boyfriend before I had a new place or room. I can't imagine my guy looking at the mess and concluding that I would be a sloppy future domestic manager. I was that house proud!!!!
Somehow feelings ruled. Boldly I asked God to prepare me, to mould me to be a good wife. God told me that I was to pray for him until he told me to stop. I obeyed and prayed for him daily using the book The Power of a Praying Wife as a rough guide.
Occasionally when I did not see him at vocal meetings or church meetings I would doubt alot. You sure God?? Did I hear you correctly??? He tallied with the dream, was he really the ONE????
I am a Dreamer
One night I dreamt he was going to be enlisted. The next day when my team was on duty, (he was in a different team, Thank God, other wise I could not concentrate singing. Hahaha.) he came to tell me that he was going to army in Mandarin. (Aiya, I dont know why guys usually speak to me in Mandarin, may be my phoenix almond eyes screams CHEENA). Immediately I told him I dreamt that he was going army the night before. "Then you must pray for me. I old already can't run liao" (So cute!!!) Ya...I had forgotten, at the age of 27, he had not yet serve his national service, for he had deferred them to study medicine.....a 6 year course. No wonder God said I was to WAIT for him. I felt priviledged to be given this probably 2.5 year long prayer assignment.
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Oh my God..My Heavenly Father
Sigh......Guy #3 is the hardest to blog about. After all, He is the ONE that broke my heart. (Sob! Sob! Sob!)
Well you see after giving up Guy #1 that i really liked and being a good friend to Guy #2 that I did not like, I actually felt kind of ultra frustrated. WHO am I going to date and marry??? become such a headache ? that tortures me every now and then.
One night, out of all curiousity and audacity, I asked GOD, my Father God the same question. But before I share about Guy #3 I want to share about how I became a christian, a follower of Christ.
On Becoming a Follower of Christ
I had been a christian since I was a 7 year old child. I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour while playing at the playground behind my previous, previous home while grandma the Hero chatted with the neighbourhood aunties. A young couple had come to play with us kids and started telling us that there is a God and He created everything and He loves us all. When the couple came to the part where God sent his Son Jesus to be like a man and to suffer on the cross to die for our sins. My tiny heart was pricked. Of course I understood what sin is all about. Naughty. Naughty.Naughty. Stubborn. Not obeying parents immediately. Lying. Hitting my siblings to make up for grandma who punished me for their mistakes. So unfair. So I hit them LOR! Transfer MA...Hee.
Immediately I felt I needed forgiveness from this Jesus as I had not been the best person that I had strived to be since it was expected of me being the eldest. I decided to invite Christ into my heart. I swear at that moment, I felt so warm I thought I had a sudden fever and in a flash, I saw my life unfold before me those scenes that I was fighting with my siblings and eating all the junk food at school but lying about the food that I had. That moment sealed in me the FACT that GOD is real and I will serve him when I grow up.
I did not go to church yet but God sure suddenly lead me to many christian friends at school and I bought christian books at school book fair (Peter James and John, Jonah and the Big Fish) and my mum's cousin gave me the very much cherished and read THE STORY OF JESUS. I still have this book/children bible.
God's Leading a step at a time
To cut a long story short I attended a charismatic church revival meeting at the National Stadium when I was 12 and gave my life anew to Jesus. There was no follow up so the next year, determined to be a christian, I rang up a church in the neighbourhood (from the Yellow Pages). That church pastor who had recently given up his secular career to serve God full time was asking God for a sign when I called. (Amazing isn't it).Well, eventually I grew up and helped him in prayer and admin work in this particular small family church where every one seem to be related to every one else.
So despite strong parental persecution, I grew up in this familychurch since 13 and moved on to serve in many ministries spanning nursery,children, youth, cell groups, prayer, ladies fellowship, administration and planning and a bit of worship and even leadership training. After 12 years of the close knit family church life, I felt God leading me to a more exciting place, a place where I can serve Him whole heartedly in worship with music (My calling and passion!!!!) in a church where lives are restored physically, emotionally, financially and spirtually. I was here in this mega church's worship ministry for 7 years. I love to sing on the stage. It is so satifysing, rewarding and life transforming at the same time. This is also the place where I met and married Yan who was the keyboardist and we had our sweet darling Rachel.
Currently, I am attending yet another lagi mega church whose nursery ministry is A Class. After all "I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way.Show them all the beauty the possess inside. Give them a sense of pride..." I want Rachel to be in an environment where she is "greatly blessed; highly favoured and deeply loved" My prayer before she is even conceived is that she will come to know Jesus as a child as well and serve him from her youth.
Like Joshua in the Bible, we shall say "But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord"
Well you see after giving up Guy #1 that i really liked and being a good friend to Guy #2 that I did not like, I actually felt kind of ultra frustrated. WHO am I going to date and marry??? become such a headache ? that tortures me every now and then.
One night, out of all curiousity and audacity, I asked GOD, my Father God the same question. But before I share about Guy #3 I want to share about how I became a christian, a follower of Christ.
On Becoming a Follower of Christ
I had been a christian since I was a 7 year old child. I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour while playing at the playground behind my previous, previous home while grandma the Hero chatted with the neighbourhood aunties. A young couple had come to play with us kids and started telling us that there is a God and He created everything and He loves us all. When the couple came to the part where God sent his Son Jesus to be like a man and to suffer on the cross to die for our sins. My tiny heart was pricked. Of course I understood what sin is all about. Naughty. Naughty.Naughty. Stubborn. Not obeying parents immediately. Lying. Hitting my siblings to make up for grandma who punished me for their mistakes. So unfair. So I hit them LOR! Transfer MA...Hee.
Immediately I felt I needed forgiveness from this Jesus as I had not been the best person that I had strived to be since it was expected of me being the eldest. I decided to invite Christ into my heart. I swear at that moment, I felt so warm I thought I had a sudden fever and in a flash, I saw my life unfold before me those scenes that I was fighting with my siblings and eating all the junk food at school but lying about the food that I had. That moment sealed in me the FACT that GOD is real and I will serve him when I grow up.
I did not go to church yet but God sure suddenly lead me to many christian friends at school and I bought christian books at school book fair (Peter James and John, Jonah and the Big Fish) and my mum's cousin gave me the very much cherished and read THE STORY OF JESUS. I still have this book/children bible.
God's Leading a step at a time
To cut a long story short I attended a charismatic church revival meeting at the National Stadium when I was 12 and gave my life anew to Jesus. There was no follow up so the next year, determined to be a christian, I rang up a church in the neighbourhood (from the Yellow Pages). That church pastor who had recently given up his secular career to serve God full time was asking God for a sign when I called. (Amazing isn't it).Well, eventually I grew up and helped him in prayer and admin work in this particular small family church where every one seem to be related to every one else.
So despite strong parental persecution, I grew up in this familychurch since 13 and moved on to serve in many ministries spanning nursery,children, youth, cell groups, prayer, ladies fellowship, administration and planning and a bit of worship and even leadership training. After 12 years of the close knit family church life, I felt God leading me to a more exciting place, a place where I can serve Him whole heartedly in worship with music (My calling and passion!!!!) in a church where lives are restored physically, emotionally, financially and spirtually. I was here in this mega church's worship ministry for 7 years. I love to sing on the stage. It is so satifysing, rewarding and life transforming at the same time. This is also the place where I met and married Yan who was the keyboardist and we had our sweet darling Rachel.
Currently, I am attending yet another lagi mega church whose nursery ministry is A Class. After all "I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way.Show them all the beauty the possess inside. Give them a sense of pride..." I want Rachel to be in an environment where she is "greatly blessed; highly favoured and deeply loved" My prayer before she is even conceived is that she will come to know Jesus as a child as well and serve him from her youth.
Like Joshua in the Bible, we shall say "But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord"
Friday, 15 June 2007
Guy #2 verus Guy #4
Wonderful opportunity to blog as darling just slept. It's no joke looking after this active toddler full time. Imagine she bolted down the escalator a few hours ago and thank God I managed to sprint and rescue her before her head lands on the upper steps. Just last week she broke free and ran up the Suntec City escalator. May be I should carry her at all times or buy a Mothercare leash.
Any way back to the guys. I see some similarities between guy no 2 and no 4. Both of them are brothers in christ and they came into my life uninvited but not unwelcomed. Both of them were IT savvy, in order words the IT Geeks that turns me OFF.
Geeks and Nerds turn me off
I hate computing. In fact from the moment i laid my hands on my first PC in secondary school, the 5 1/4 inch floppy disk huge desktops, the 286, I already hated it. My first home PC was not even multi media, it cost $5000, came with 2 disk drives the floppy and the hard disk, not cd rom ok. My first printer was the Espon dot-matrix, super noisy. There were no copier or fax facilities. When i finally graduated in 1995, the internet scene was not so hot. We submitted assignments by submitting the diskettes. I don't remember emailing any one. We had the computer to computer chatting, the DOS system which was quite hot at that time. Bar coding became very in, almost every book shop scans bar codes, the POS (Point of Sale) system became common place.
During my university days I skipped almost all IT lectures, its too boring prefering to copy answers from the Nerds and Geeks. I remembered that the day before my IS (information systems) exam, I finally bought the text book and had only one day to studyfor the exam so i memorised the glossary and summaries . I burned the mid night oil for the whole night without sleeping at all and went straight to the exam after shower and chicken essence ( a must since primary school) of course. That was one exam that i really depended on God and to my surprise i had a B3. Not bad for someone who did not even know how the IT lecturers looked like. And many thanks to the Geeks and Nerds that lend me notes and answers for coffee time. (May be to them its a date at the NTU Canteen...Haha)
Aiya Wrong Channel
So IT people turn me off. So does guys that listen to 933 and 958, watch channel 8 drama, GOSH!!!! I cannot , I just cannot connect LAH. I struggled to speak proper Mandarin despite having studied, excelled at CL1 exams at Secondary school. But... AH HA...after exam it is AUTO DELETE mode. Up to this day I have no idea what the Dunman High School song was about, I usually only sing the first 4 words and lip sync all the way if any teacher happened to watch. My favourite TV channel is still CNA.
Guy #2 redeemed himself by being able to sing well. He was in the ACS choir. Unfortunately, I felt goose bumps those occasions when he sang to me. It was far from romantic in fact it caused me to cringe with much discomfort. He called me once before the Y2K Bug and sang on the phone. "....I wanna BATHE with you in the SEA".. My immediate reaction (unspoken) was "EEEEEEEEEEEE...YOU....NO WAY MEN!" Actually I just stepped out of the shower to answer that phone call, how corny can life get????
Cringing Exercises
During the Mooncake celebrations, a group of us went up Suntec City Sky Garden to admire the full moon and to eat moon cakes. It was my first time celebrating this traditional festival with friends. At home, we just eat lah. My favourtite activity was to peel the pomelo and eat those PIGS in basket mooncakes. They are cute. I ever accidentally burned a lantern, the cellophane type so I am no longer lantern crazy and will only buy rachel battery operated musical ones.
Well half way when i was eating mooncakes, this guy suddenly looked at me and sang "the moon represent my heart" by Theresa Teng. I almost choked. Its just did not feel right. Its the wrong song and wrong channel for me. May be if he had sang Moon River, or Memories I would sing along. Nevertheless, I continued to be a good friend to his "non potential" brother. HAHAHA
Guy #4 sings too. Not too well but good enough for us all to sing in the church worship team. Like Guy #2 he's very expressive and rather eager to make all the ladies feel good. Both Guy #2 and #4 can flatter you off the floor but thankfully I am deeply convinced I am not beautiful enough so no amount of flattery or praise even from my husband can change my mind about what i know its a reality. Come On..Whoever says that I am the most beautiful woman he had ever met is lying or had been dating Ugly Betties. But even Ugly Betty had nice features OK!!!!
Guy #4 had a lot of emotional baggages and I saw it as my duty to help him with them as he prepared himself for the NEXT one which I do not want to be. May be like Guy #2 he speaks too much mandarin, was IT Geeky, did not had a degree yet?? (I want my man to be much better than me in all aspects, thankfully Yan is, so its easy peasy to look up and really ADMIRE him). Any way I pretty much enjoyed the time spent with Guy #4 as he's so big brotherly though I am a year older.
There were many occasions where he would voluntarily picked me from the gym or spa for coffee while he "eat snake" at work since being in sales he's on the run all the time. He even brought me along to meet a certain tennis coach client and said I was his new girl friend. (How dare He!) We shopped a lot too. I was happy and eager to shop with any guy!!!Hahaha Once out of the blue, he said he wanted to give me surprise gift. and opened the boot of his car to retrieve a small little cube engraved with a little tiny violin. He said something that made me cringed i can't remember what he said but i remembered CRINGING. There was another occasion when he was driving and he asked me not once but twice "Do you know why I treated you so well?" (in mandarin) I pretend not to hear any thing, I knew of course but its very difficult for me to speak the truth. I am afterall, trying to get over Guy #3.Sigh!
Any way back to the guys. I see some similarities between guy no 2 and no 4. Both of them are brothers in christ and they came into my life uninvited but not unwelcomed. Both of them were IT savvy, in order words the IT Geeks that turns me OFF.
Geeks and Nerds turn me off
I hate computing. In fact from the moment i laid my hands on my first PC in secondary school, the 5 1/4 inch floppy disk huge desktops, the 286, I already hated it. My first home PC was not even multi media, it cost $5000, came with 2 disk drives the floppy and the hard disk, not cd rom ok. My first printer was the Espon dot-matrix, super noisy. There were no copier or fax facilities. When i finally graduated in 1995, the internet scene was not so hot. We submitted assignments by submitting the diskettes. I don't remember emailing any one. We had the computer to computer chatting, the DOS system which was quite hot at that time. Bar coding became very in, almost every book shop scans bar codes, the POS (Point of Sale) system became common place.
During my university days I skipped almost all IT lectures, its too boring prefering to copy answers from the Nerds and Geeks. I remembered that the day before my IS (information systems) exam, I finally bought the text book and had only one day to studyfor the exam so i memorised the glossary and summaries . I burned the mid night oil for the whole night without sleeping at all and went straight to the exam after shower and chicken essence ( a must since primary school) of course. That was one exam that i really depended on God and to my surprise i had a B3. Not bad for someone who did not even know how the IT lecturers looked like. And many thanks to the Geeks and Nerds that lend me notes and answers for coffee time. (May be to them its a date at the NTU Canteen...Haha)
Aiya Wrong Channel
So IT people turn me off. So does guys that listen to 933 and 958, watch channel 8 drama, GOSH!!!! I cannot , I just cannot connect LAH. I struggled to speak proper Mandarin despite having studied, excelled at CL1 exams at Secondary school. But... AH HA...after exam it is AUTO DELETE mode. Up to this day I have no idea what the Dunman High School song was about, I usually only sing the first 4 words and lip sync all the way if any teacher happened to watch. My favourite TV channel is still CNA.
Guy #2 redeemed himself by being able to sing well. He was in the ACS choir. Unfortunately, I felt goose bumps those occasions when he sang to me. It was far from romantic in fact it caused me to cringe with much discomfort. He called me once before the Y2K Bug and sang on the phone. "....I wanna BATHE with you in the SEA".. My immediate reaction (unspoken) was "EEEEEEEEEEEE...YOU....NO WAY MEN!" Actually I just stepped out of the shower to answer that phone call, how corny can life get????
Cringing Exercises
During the Mooncake celebrations, a group of us went up Suntec City Sky Garden to admire the full moon and to eat moon cakes. It was my first time celebrating this traditional festival with friends. At home, we just eat lah. My favourtite activity was to peel the pomelo and eat those PIGS in basket mooncakes. They are cute. I ever accidentally burned a lantern, the cellophane type so I am no longer lantern crazy and will only buy rachel battery operated musical ones.
Well half way when i was eating mooncakes, this guy suddenly looked at me and sang "the moon represent my heart" by Theresa Teng. I almost choked. Its just did not feel right. Its the wrong song and wrong channel for me. May be if he had sang Moon River, or Memories I would sing along. Nevertheless, I continued to be a good friend to his "non potential" brother. HAHAHA
Guy #4 sings too. Not too well but good enough for us all to sing in the church worship team. Like Guy #2 he's very expressive and rather eager to make all the ladies feel good. Both Guy #2 and #4 can flatter you off the floor but thankfully I am deeply convinced I am not beautiful enough so no amount of flattery or praise even from my husband can change my mind about what i know its a reality. Come On..Whoever says that I am the most beautiful woman he had ever met is lying or had been dating Ugly Betties. But even Ugly Betty had nice features OK!!!!
Guy #4 had a lot of emotional baggages and I saw it as my duty to help him with them as he prepared himself for the NEXT one which I do not want to be. May be like Guy #2 he speaks too much mandarin, was IT Geeky, did not had a degree yet?? (I want my man to be much better than me in all aspects, thankfully Yan is, so its easy peasy to look up and really ADMIRE him). Any way I pretty much enjoyed the time spent with Guy #4 as he's so big brotherly though I am a year older.
There were many occasions where he would voluntarily picked me from the gym or spa for coffee while he "eat snake" at work since being in sales he's on the run all the time. He even brought me along to meet a certain tennis coach client and said I was his new girl friend. (How dare He!) We shopped a lot too. I was happy and eager to shop with any guy!!!Hahaha Once out of the blue, he said he wanted to give me surprise gift. and opened the boot of his car to retrieve a small little cube engraved with a little tiny violin. He said something that made me cringed i can't remember what he said but i remembered CRINGING. There was another occasion when he was driving and he asked me not once but twice "Do you know why I treated you so well?" (in mandarin) I pretend not to hear any thing, I knew of course but its very difficult for me to speak the truth. I am afterall, trying to get over Guy #3.Sigh!
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Guys No 1 to 5
Had planned to blog about pregnancy and birth but that's so predictable especially when I left off at "I Am Pregnant". Ha ha.
As I lay sleepless last night, I thought about all the guys that made a special mark in my life. Yes there were episodes of puppy love and things like that but I can count on just one hand the special gentlemen in my life. Thank god. (The more men the messier life becomes...ha)
The first guy i was serious with, let's call him Guy #1. Well he was a university mate from NTU Accountancy Course. I met him on a HOT sunday after church service and he was roller blading ALONE at east coast park. Unfortunately i was with a female friend, the one that would tag along wherever I go since we became church mates at 14 years of age. How INCONVENIENT!!!
GUY #1
Guy #1- is cool! He's very laid back and confident and we both were auditors at that time, our first job upon graduation. I remembered floating on cloud 9 meeting him and exchanging our business cards. I was so drawn to his tanned arm muscles which was on my eye level. (OK..I am a shortie) He's tall almost 1.8m plus the skates I need to strain my neck to look him in the eye. Haha.
The next night we were on the phone. Soon we were on the phone almost every day up to 4 hours a day. Its crazy those days phone subscription was not on a per usage basis, so we yak yak yak whole night almost every night after work after dinner. At that pre-AFC (Asian Financial Crisis)days there was no sms and msn yet. It was 1995. Gosh almost 12 years ago.
We talked about almost everything under the sun. It started with complaining about work, then hobbies etc. It was during the audit almost peak period where we cant take leave or even go on mc so we just had a tele relationship. Haha. I remember discussing topics like dating, ideal age to settle down, religion, attitudes towards marriage and raising a family even investments and insurance etc. Holiday plans etc.
We took turns to visit the loo even..So silly... its like "hey..my turn to go toilet now..hold on." We talked until the ears were so warm and my heart was so satisfied before saying good night. Sometimes work came in the way as we both need Ta Bao work home to audit or sometimes he MUST watch EPL and i will go out with my friends. Frankly I felt very comfortable with him and fell for him, especially his voice is so warm and gentlemanly. (Man fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.....Its so true!!!! SIGH)
Our first date was on Valentine's Day the coming year. It was more of a "finally can catch up for dinner" type of situation. Previously it was all working gear stressed out lunches. He worked at Caltex House and I usually had to starve to travel from Hill Street just to see him during lunch hours. That night we dined at AL Dente Boat Quay, there were no flowers or chocolates..haha
Actually I am not the type of girl you can easily woo with flowers, chocolates, teddy bear, diamond rings, or even an apartment or a car. I want a sincere heart but I must admit I do have a weakness for music.
After the dinner we walked along the beautiful Singapore River, I was holding myself back from wanting to hug him. Haha. (I am quick to demonstrate affection type). Haha. Any way the walk did more harm than good, I suffered a strained neck talking to Mr Giraffe. But the more I was with him, the more I liked him until one fellow colleague advised against it. She was so against the "unequally yoked friendship" that she fasted lunch a few days so that God will wake me up from a potentially terrible mistake. You see I am a follower of Christ since I became a christian at 7 years of age and Guy #1, he is a atheist.
I was considering this charming guy, he was good-looking as well, but soon God pricked my heart. I sensed he wanted me to GIVE UP this friendship for good and TRUST him for a marriage partner. I was defiant initially but knew that there will be no peace unless I OBEY God. Giving up was so hard cause I had decided that he was good enough for me. (SUPER EGO!!!!) I was very fussy with men and cant stand fat ones or nerdy ones or low EQ ones. Or even those that cant hold a tune!!!!.It was a tug of war with God and guess who wins. GOD of course.
I started to avoid the guy that very guy that I need to hear his voice before i turn in for the night. If he did contact me I would say that I was busy. I felt horrible. I lost my appetite. I wanted to explain to him in person but we had not reached a point where we were "official". Its such a tough time, the first tough time in my almost very sheltered life. I had no one to confide in since the other female friend was never on par with me in terms of maturity or anything else. My family though close knit was not the type that bare our souls to each other. While i turned to God's word for comfort spiritually I also down many a beer (YUCK) to soothe the very real emotional pain. Occasionally I would talk to Guy No 1 as usual but my heart was so tortured deep within. Soon I avoided him altogether and devoted my energies to a new insurance career.
A couple of years passed. One day I get a call from him and he was inviting me to his wedding dinner. BOY!!!! I don't know why after congratulating him I spent the rest of the working day crying my heart out in the ladies. I cancelled all my sales appointments that day as I was too distraught to work. I felt I owe him an apology yet I don't know if it was appropriate at all to mention it. Deep inside I knew I kind of hurt him but I was not sure how deep?
I attended his wedding at Amara Hotel with my super glue friend. He was so suave and his wife shared the same surname as me. What a pure coincidence, my surname is pretty rare in this part of the world. The highlight of the dinner was towards the end when the bride and groom came a toasting. The YUM SAY part. He was tipsy already and as he walked to my table he cried out "Rebecca. Rebecca. Rebecca..." I cringe. And prayed that he will not say any thing more. It was a heart wrenching moment that I tried to fight back tears. Mascaras helped. I had more power to stop tearing when I wear mascaras as I cant imagine the horrible zombie look should the mascara run. Those days it was not yet water proof technology yet.
Subsequently we did chat, business like about his married life and fact that he was relocating to the land of the rising sun. I have not met him for a long long time, may be if I meet him again, I will and I must do right to offer my apologies no matter what.
As I lay sleepless last night, I thought about all the guys that made a special mark in my life. Yes there were episodes of puppy love and things like that but I can count on just one hand the special gentlemen in my life. Thank god. (The more men the messier life becomes...ha)
The first guy i was serious with, let's call him Guy #1. Well he was a university mate from NTU Accountancy Course. I met him on a HOT sunday after church service and he was roller blading ALONE at east coast park. Unfortunately i was with a female friend, the one that would tag along wherever I go since we became church mates at 14 years of age. How INCONVENIENT!!!
GUY #1
Guy #1- is cool! He's very laid back and confident and we both were auditors at that time, our first job upon graduation. I remembered floating on cloud 9 meeting him and exchanging our business cards. I was so drawn to his tanned arm muscles which was on my eye level. (OK..I am a shortie) He's tall almost 1.8m plus the skates I need to strain my neck to look him in the eye. Haha.
The next night we were on the phone. Soon we were on the phone almost every day up to 4 hours a day. Its crazy those days phone subscription was not on a per usage basis, so we yak yak yak whole night almost every night after work after dinner. At that pre-AFC (Asian Financial Crisis)days there was no sms and msn yet. It was 1995. Gosh almost 12 years ago.
We talked about almost everything under the sun. It started with complaining about work, then hobbies etc. It was during the audit almost peak period where we cant take leave or even go on mc so we just had a tele relationship. Haha. I remember discussing topics like dating, ideal age to settle down, religion, attitudes towards marriage and raising a family even investments and insurance etc. Holiday plans etc.
We took turns to visit the loo even..So silly... its like "hey..my turn to go toilet now..hold on." We talked until the ears were so warm and my heart was so satisfied before saying good night. Sometimes work came in the way as we both need Ta Bao work home to audit or sometimes he MUST watch EPL and i will go out with my friends. Frankly I felt very comfortable with him and fell for him, especially his voice is so warm and gentlemanly. (Man fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.....Its so true!!!! SIGH)
Our first date was on Valentine's Day the coming year. It was more of a "finally can catch up for dinner" type of situation. Previously it was all working gear stressed out lunches. He worked at Caltex House and I usually had to starve to travel from Hill Street just to see him during lunch hours. That night we dined at AL Dente Boat Quay, there were no flowers or chocolates..haha
Actually I am not the type of girl you can easily woo with flowers, chocolates, teddy bear, diamond rings, or even an apartment or a car. I want a sincere heart but I must admit I do have a weakness for music.
After the dinner we walked along the beautiful Singapore River, I was holding myself back from wanting to hug him. Haha. (I am quick to demonstrate affection type). Haha. Any way the walk did more harm than good, I suffered a strained neck talking to Mr Giraffe. But the more I was with him, the more I liked him until one fellow colleague advised against it. She was so against the "unequally yoked friendship" that she fasted lunch a few days so that God will wake me up from a potentially terrible mistake. You see I am a follower of Christ since I became a christian at 7 years of age and Guy #1, he is a atheist.
I was considering this charming guy, he was good-looking as well, but soon God pricked my heart. I sensed he wanted me to GIVE UP this friendship for good and TRUST him for a marriage partner. I was defiant initially but knew that there will be no peace unless I OBEY God. Giving up was so hard cause I had decided that he was good enough for me. (SUPER EGO!!!!) I was very fussy with men and cant stand fat ones or nerdy ones or low EQ ones. Or even those that cant hold a tune!!!!.It was a tug of war with God and guess who wins. GOD of course.
I started to avoid the guy that very guy that I need to hear his voice before i turn in for the night. If he did contact me I would say that I was busy. I felt horrible. I lost my appetite. I wanted to explain to him in person but we had not reached a point where we were "official". Its such a tough time, the first tough time in my almost very sheltered life. I had no one to confide in since the other female friend was never on par with me in terms of maturity or anything else. My family though close knit was not the type that bare our souls to each other. While i turned to God's word for comfort spiritually I also down many a beer (YUCK) to soothe the very real emotional pain. Occasionally I would talk to Guy No 1 as usual but my heart was so tortured deep within. Soon I avoided him altogether and devoted my energies to a new insurance career.
A couple of years passed. One day I get a call from him and he was inviting me to his wedding dinner. BOY!!!! I don't know why after congratulating him I spent the rest of the working day crying my heart out in the ladies. I cancelled all my sales appointments that day as I was too distraught to work. I felt I owe him an apology yet I don't know if it was appropriate at all to mention it. Deep inside I knew I kind of hurt him but I was not sure how deep?
I attended his wedding at Amara Hotel with my super glue friend. He was so suave and his wife shared the same surname as me. What a pure coincidence, my surname is pretty rare in this part of the world. The highlight of the dinner was towards the end when the bride and groom came a toasting. The YUM SAY part. He was tipsy already and as he walked to my table he cried out "Rebecca. Rebecca. Rebecca..." I cringe. And prayed that he will not say any thing more. It was a heart wrenching moment that I tried to fight back tears. Mascaras helped. I had more power to stop tearing when I wear mascaras as I cant imagine the horrible zombie look should the mascara run. Those days it was not yet water proof technology yet.
Subsequently we did chat, business like about his married life and fact that he was relocating to the land of the rising sun. I have not met him for a long long time, may be if I meet him again, I will and I must do right to offer my apologies no matter what.
Saturday, 2 June 2007
I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!
Rachel was a gift from God that came so quickly. We had prayed on our wedding night for a child since I am already 30 and I do feel the biological clock ticking. haha
I put on weight soon after my Mar 2004 wedding. Getting married can be such a stressful thingy. We did not have a church wedding but we did the usual tea party reception at our then new home and the private family dinners after that.
My furniture arrived one day before the wedding due to some unforeseen delay. Thankfully the guests had that grey L shaped sofa to sit on on the wedding day. My husband's cell group gathered the night before to pray, I was still trying to sleep on my Sengkang bed going through all the checklists. If not for a gentle reminder and a mad dash, there would be no hand held bouquet on that actual day too.
Initially we were only expecting a few close friends to turn up at the house warming party. Many that received our smses did not reply. but on that actual day, the small studio was crammed with 30 or more guests. Thankfully there was more than enough food with the last minute pizza and sushi deliveries.
That night we had a most expensive family dinner at Hai Tien Low Pan Pacific Hotel. The view was fantastic and the food was sumptuous. Each table was priced above $1000 but its all worth it since we prefer not to have the noisy Yum Say type of wedding dinner that requires us to shake so many hands and change so many outfits without eating any thing. I ate...to my heart's content. So did Yan!
The next day we travelled to KL to repeat another dinner this time round many tables and many casually dressed old relatives. We felt like Hollywood celebrities since we were so over dressed. Yan in suit and me, pink satin spaghetti strap dress with super heels and nice hairdo. We ate as much as we could too..Haha
So I was not at all surprised when i gained a kg after wedding. I've been eating eating eating. Soon I felt my working clothes were getting tight at the waist. To slim down i started to swim more often. But i get breathless after just one lap. Still it did not occured to me that i was pregnant.
One night in April 2004, I was reading the bible. Issac had married Rebekah and she had become pregnant with twins in Genesis, suddenly the bible fell from the sofa and it rested with another page in Genesis. This time, Rachel was pregnant. Yet another flip of the bible in Genesis, I read that Sarah, Abrham's wife was pregnant and gave birth to Issac. How strange???Every one is pregnant??? Don't tell me God is telling me that I could be pregnant????? My heart raced.
I told yan my period was late and about the bible stories and soon in the middle of the night we dashed to buy a pregnancy test kit at a near by 7 eleven. You should see the face of the cashier, He looked corny. Backed home I tested with trembling fingers and the result was "Positive"
"May be you see wrongly" my man said. He just made me feel stupid like i did not know how to test. For clarity sake we bought another kit and tested the next day and the answer is the same.
"I am pregnant!!!" I was more shocked then happy..so sudden..right after the wedding???
Thankfully before i married i did a Pre-marital Health Screening with Raffles Hospital and had a regular gynae Dr Vincent Lee (He had since migrated to Australia). Dr Lee confirmed the pregnancy and i had to down many glasses of water for the invasive ultrasound scan. I saw nothing, He saw a spot and measured the thickness of the womb walls and said I am pregnant due 01 Jan 2005.
This is so Amazing!!!! OMG I am a mother!!!!!
I put on weight soon after my Mar 2004 wedding. Getting married can be such a stressful thingy. We did not have a church wedding but we did the usual tea party reception at our then new home and the private family dinners after that.
My furniture arrived one day before the wedding due to some unforeseen delay. Thankfully the guests had that grey L shaped sofa to sit on on the wedding day. My husband's cell group gathered the night before to pray, I was still trying to sleep on my Sengkang bed going through all the checklists. If not for a gentle reminder and a mad dash, there would be no hand held bouquet on that actual day too.
Initially we were only expecting a few close friends to turn up at the house warming party. Many that received our smses did not reply. but on that actual day, the small studio was crammed with 30 or more guests. Thankfully there was more than enough food with the last minute pizza and sushi deliveries.
That night we had a most expensive family dinner at Hai Tien Low Pan Pacific Hotel. The view was fantastic and the food was sumptuous. Each table was priced above $1000 but its all worth it since we prefer not to have the noisy Yum Say type of wedding dinner that requires us to shake so many hands and change so many outfits without eating any thing. I ate...to my heart's content. So did Yan!
The next day we travelled to KL to repeat another dinner this time round many tables and many casually dressed old relatives. We felt like Hollywood celebrities since we were so over dressed. Yan in suit and me, pink satin spaghetti strap dress with super heels and nice hairdo. We ate as much as we could too..Haha
So I was not at all surprised when i gained a kg after wedding. I've been eating eating eating. Soon I felt my working clothes were getting tight at the waist. To slim down i started to swim more often. But i get breathless after just one lap. Still it did not occured to me that i was pregnant.
One night in April 2004, I was reading the bible. Issac had married Rebekah and she had become pregnant with twins in Genesis, suddenly the bible fell from the sofa and it rested with another page in Genesis. This time, Rachel was pregnant. Yet another flip of the bible in Genesis, I read that Sarah, Abrham's wife was pregnant and gave birth to Issac. How strange???Every one is pregnant??? Don't tell me God is telling me that I could be pregnant????? My heart raced.
I told yan my period was late and about the bible stories and soon in the middle of the night we dashed to buy a pregnancy test kit at a near by 7 eleven. You should see the face of the cashier, He looked corny. Backed home I tested with trembling fingers and the result was "Positive"
"May be you see wrongly" my man said. He just made me feel stupid like i did not know how to test. For clarity sake we bought another kit and tested the next day and the answer is the same.
"I am pregnant!!!" I was more shocked then happy..so sudden..right after the wedding???
Thankfully before i married i did a Pre-marital Health Screening with Raffles Hospital and had a regular gynae Dr Vincent Lee (He had since migrated to Australia). Dr Lee confirmed the pregnancy and i had to down many glasses of water for the invasive ultrasound scan. I saw nothing, He saw a spot and measured the thickness of the womb walls and said I am pregnant due 01 Jan 2005.
This is so Amazing!!!! OMG I am a mother!!!!!
Time No Enough
The estate flea market had come and gone with just over hundred in cash takings. Business was not good! May be it coincided with the Great Singapore Sale and the beginning of the school hols or the fact that now a days there are so many stalls close to 70 all selling similar items ranging form baby to books to toys to used clothes, shoes and bags.
I had hired a ad hoc baby sitter to "jaga" Rachel since she liked so much to run about in the estate and thankfully my Sis in law Eve helped tremenduously from the moving of the heavy toyogos up a flight of stairs to promoting. She's really good and strong for her age and i actually feel bad each time she helped me. We had pizza dinner after that long hard day where the rains threatened to pour not once but twice.
Talking about weather, these days its so hot you could melt. Since young i prayed that Singapore will be cooler, best at least 5deg cooler, I would not mind if it rain daily as it would mean cooler temperatures. I also dun understand when people adjust their thermostat to 25deg its far too warm for air con temp. I function best when its bet 20-22deg and no i do not have any thyriod problems but perhaps I am carrying too much Blubber. Well insulated from the cold.
Now that i am a full time mother and rachel is not attending child care any more, I literally have no time to even look into the mirror. You see, I am the type that need to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror criticising every mole and black head and applying this and that from head to toe before i feel really "GOOD" Each morning i also need a nice cuppa with papers to crank my engine. Afterall, I am still waking at least once a night to nurse my toddler. (I have not slept through the night since 2004 Mar)
I hardly have time to exercise too, its so difficult, when she is awake she NEEDS me to play with her, read to her, paint with her, play computer games and learn together with her and when she sleeps i have so much to catch up in terms of house hold chores or meal preparation. Sometimes, after she sleeps at night I finally have the luxury to focus on cleaning the house.
I am quite house proud and rather a neat freak. I can't stand hair on the laminate floors or in the bath room. So are soap or toothpaste stains on the sink or vanity surface. I get irritated when things are in a mess. Some times i have to clean the floors several times a day due to baby food mess. How to have more kids?? One is enough!
Afterall, I had cared for baby since Day One when were back home from the hospital with a SUPER ULTRA BLOODY PAINFUL C-SECTION.
I had hired a ad hoc baby sitter to "jaga" Rachel since she liked so much to run about in the estate and thankfully my Sis in law Eve helped tremenduously from the moving of the heavy toyogos up a flight of stairs to promoting. She's really good and strong for her age and i actually feel bad each time she helped me. We had pizza dinner after that long hard day where the rains threatened to pour not once but twice.
Talking about weather, these days its so hot you could melt. Since young i prayed that Singapore will be cooler, best at least 5deg cooler, I would not mind if it rain daily as it would mean cooler temperatures. I also dun understand when people adjust their thermostat to 25deg its far too warm for air con temp. I function best when its bet 20-22deg and no i do not have any thyriod problems but perhaps I am carrying too much Blubber. Well insulated from the cold.
Now that i am a full time mother and rachel is not attending child care any more, I literally have no time to even look into the mirror. You see, I am the type that need to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror criticising every mole and black head and applying this and that from head to toe before i feel really "GOOD" Each morning i also need a nice cuppa with papers to crank my engine. Afterall, I am still waking at least once a night to nurse my toddler. (I have not slept through the night since 2004 Mar)
I hardly have time to exercise too, its so difficult, when she is awake she NEEDS me to play with her, read to her, paint with her, play computer games and learn together with her and when she sleeps i have so much to catch up in terms of house hold chores or meal preparation. Sometimes, after she sleeps at night I finally have the luxury to focus on cleaning the house.
I am quite house proud and rather a neat freak. I can't stand hair on the laminate floors or in the bath room. So are soap or toothpaste stains on the sink or vanity surface. I get irritated when things are in a mess. Some times i have to clean the floors several times a day due to baby food mess. How to have more kids?? One is enough!
Afterall, I had cared for baby since Day One when were back home from the hospital with a SUPER ULTRA BLOODY PAINFUL C-SECTION.
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