Secret passion.

I want to talk about having a passion in what we do. I mean, its true as my pastor had mentioned that the lowest form of work is when one does so for the $$$$$ and not liking any aspect of it. My dear friend is suffering at a post that paid her a whole lot but is robbing her of the joy and work-life balance that she needs like everyone else. Thankfully, she went back to one of her passion or hobbies - singing and already she feels more alive.

I think we all need an outlet to express ourselves and more so the creative types. For me, I love to sing my heart out, whether its worship songs or rock ballads or simply some romantic musical themes or even opera by Verdi, the Brindisi or the drinking song, just the music since its in italian!!!!! Recently, I helped Rachel learn to sing this totally meaningful song (original by Bette Midler) that makes your heart wanna melt.

The Rose Lyrics –WestLife

Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower and you its only seed

It’s the heart that fears the breaking,that never learns the dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking,that never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, who never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
When you think that love is only for the lucky and for the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose

Painting. I love to mix colours mostly acrylic and water-colours. Being a home-schooling mum means I get to draw and paint lots of pictures with rachel now 5. Recently, I encouraged her to freely draw and paint, exhibit and archive her works. She likes managing her own art and she loves it.

Today, I remembered myself as a pre-schooler, making my own string instrument with cardboards and so. My er-hu (ancient chinese instrument liken to a violin) playing grandfather was playing soulfully and had wanted me to try my hand at the old instrument. I shrieked and ran away because of the real snake skin drum that is at the base of the instrument. It was that awful terrifying diamond-pattern python that still gives me goosebumps.

Not many know, in fact, my husband and dearest friend Melina just came to know about this. Ha....my deepest (read most secret) passion is that of being a movie star. Not the celebrity type but the serious method type meaning portraying a certain character and so on. Apart from music, I do watch a lot of movies and often than not, I would re-enact the scenes as I suppose a film maker may, with different camera angle/perspective, another set of dialogue or even setting altogether. Sometimes I would immerse myself into the character that I am drawn to, be it male or female, so far never animal nor alien, vampires (ya that happened before..Hahaha), I pretty much enjoy the movies that i made in my mind. Entertainment.

I tend to do this when I am too excited or stimulated to sleep even after I had my usual thanksgiving prayer for the day, which by the time I lay down would be the wee hours of the morning. I tend to do this for lots of romantic films and period drama that i loved. I also questioned the choice of actors /actresses or music at times.

Sometimes, I wondered if I had not felt obligated to my parents or my church leaders, if I was allowed my free choice as young as a late teen, would I be the lingerie model, the singer, the actress, the musician that I always secretly wanted. As young as a teen, I fully understood what was expected of me, to study in the university and graduate quickly so as to help out with the family finances. As a youth leader, I was expected to lead by succeeding in academics. So, I did accountancy, worked as an auditor, and then plunged into insurance sales and banking sales when my heart is wanting to express my emotions all the time!!!!!

Now that I am a full time mother, home-maker and I home-school Rachel, 5. I am free to pursue the desires of my heart : music (violin), cooking, fine arts (drawing and painting), learning a foreign language (French) and writing which is the reason why i blog. Writing frees my mind and reading stirs my soul. When I read a good book, fictiton included, sometimes I see myself acting in the particular scene or directing others to do so.

It even shows in my dreams. Some of which are rather bizarre. This morning I dreamt I was in a construction site/pit full of gravel. I was watching the crane cut a huge beam foundation in the sky via laser that is computer-generated. The huge beam was steady but suddenly as it weakens, it fell straight onto the roof of some old church building. OMG!!!! There's ash and smoke as it crashed and smashed part of the old building. Next, I saw weird looking kids scrambling to get out, their skinny, pale bodies in old PJs and their squinting eyes against the sunlight, so full of fear and anxiety. It seemed that they had been held imprisoned in the attic of the old church building for years, judging by their appearances. Many were relieved yet fearful, unaccustomed to the whole new world outside. It's a world of freedom and much light. Thankfully none of them were hurt.

As i tried to stand up from the gravel pit, I stumbled a few times, I felt a knock not once but twice, a sharp pain on the head. It came from a loose granite piece or something like that had struck me on the head. OUCH!!!! I touched my head, fearing a deep gash but there was no blood just a rude awakening and seconds later I woke with Rachel still sleeping beside me on the bed. Yan had gone to work. What a dream.. i thought to myself. Its almost real with all the motion picture quality and sound effects. Any meaning????