I am going to get really busy soon. Nope, I am not having another kid. In fact, the project that I am getting into is so exciting and HUGE. The notion of it all had already started the adrenalin rush and late last night, yan and I were busy selecting the exam pieces.
Yes, I am going to learn piano playing as well. And perform for the various examiners!!!! NO gasping, for to me, making a musical instrument sing is so much less tedious than crooning myself.
I've explained before that since I was a young child below 10, I was fascinated with music and the out of tune piano that I get to tinker on once in a blue moon at my mum's foster aunt's place in Katong. Then at the various church camps I tried to learn how to play the piano from the many reluctant kids that knew how to play the lower grades mechanically. My parents however, discouraged learning music due to financial constraints and more so, believing music will distract me from studying hard and getting the all too important degree needed to upgrade the family financial and social status.
At the first cross-road in my life at 17, I wanted to study music but was told off by both my practical no-nonsense parents and the then church pastor. "What's the point???" "You did not start out as a kid like others do." "You will NOT succeed!!!, You will NOT earn enough for a living!" It sounded like a curse from the previous leader that I respected much and worked alongside with, having volunteered years of unpaid service-including hard labour like painting and fixing the wall lights. But of course, he meant well. Like my parents, he believed in the "security" of having a university degree.
So the story goes that for the sake of inner peace, I completed my Accountancy degree, worked as an auditor initially but left to do insurance sales so as to have time to pursue music. Whatever little I learnt, I was not content but with limited resources more time than money, I was able to make minute progress and serve God with the little I had, mainly in the worship ministry as a vocalist and part of the choir which I hated. I am definitely more of the soloist type. Needing much the space and the freedom to express myself artistically.
What's my destiny in life??? What's God's will for you in life??? What do you felt drawn to??? Such questions inevitably prompt my heart to cry out "MUSIC". I want to learn music. I want to experience music and grow up learning music. It's more than "missing childhood education" thingy , its like I truly believe that's my purpose in life, including knowing my Saviour at a young age and having my own family. Without heeding this strong call in my heart, I would die so unfulfilled and miserable.
While many in the church and my family too, balked at the idea of me an adult learning music, Yan was the only one who believed in me and encouraged me much. With him, I felt I can BE MYSELF- no matter how ridiculous the idea may be- concerning me seriously studying music. He provided the resources and also helped much with the learning process.
So, finally, at the age of 34 (in 2007) when Rachel was almost 2, I started learning the violin which I love and now at 36, I will tackle the pianoforte. Challenging???? You BET. Let's put it this way, its something that I WANT to invest my life, finances and time in so much more so than the unpredictable stock market. The music clefs appeal to me more than the $ sign.
I know that with God, all things are possible and his grace will see me through this life journey. Thank you Father God.
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
It's Celebration time!!!!
I am so going to celebrate my victorious 5 years being a full time home-maker. Wow...time flies.
I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew I was the marrying type since I was in secondary school when I literally grew up in a small church full of young families. This is where I learnt to baby sit in the nursery even infants as young as a few months old and learnt to cope with the tonnes of saliva and screamed for the respective mothers when their kids pooed or vomited.
Then I moved on to the children ministry where I had to relate bible stories, make props for "theatre" and lots of art and craft including painting a whole mural on a church wall- Jesus loves the little children. Wish I had taken a picture of it to show rachel now. *sigh* I wouldn't say I enjoy every minute of this ministry but the brain-storming, the decision making and letting my creativie juices flowing. A big YES!!!! I even made "passports" and help the children aged 4-10 "travel internationally -where we stopped over at France, visited the Effiel Tower, sampled "red wine" (ribena) and ate crossiants. Other countries included Japan, China, Italy, Korea???? and Singapore (home). Being a peace loving person, I must say the one thing I HATE about dealing with many children is the NOISE. I get a bad headache and become rather frustrated within afterwards. Noise of any type gets on my nerves, probably the main reason why I prefer only ONE kid. PEACE =HAPPINESS
Later I counselled teenagers, which was not easy since I was quite a busy and goody one and in my early twenties was only a few years older than them. I find it hard to understand their anger, their rebellion, negativity and sexual promiscuity. Then I occured to me, most felt neglected by parents and had dysfunctional homes and though I was not a 100% on good terms with my parents then, I had the vision to excel in school, to do well in work and to help others - to become a better person all the time etc for myself, because life is short, I always want to live it well. Unfortunately, most youth I dealt with thought very short term and suffered much from low esteem, especially so when their parents were absent and they were brought up by maids. This is why I prefer to be a hands on mother to my only child.
The only ministry that I felt a calling towards and derived much satisfaction from was the worship ministry. I love to sing and pounce on the stage, ya...I actually had been performing on stage since my kindergarten days for school anniversaries, concerts and of course getting the various academic achievement awards. I sort of miss the "mike", the "lights" and the "dark audience". HAHAHA. Well, I will return to serve in this fashion which I did for almost 7 years if the Lord wanted me to.
In the meantime, I feel even more drawn towards music-making. I don't know why but I want to learn to play my favourite chopin pieces before I exit from the world. There is this huge dimension in music that I need to explore and grow in for the rest of my life. Nothing is impossible with God. Who knows... I may end up a music teacher or performer. BUT, the more important thing is the sheer satisfaction of making music and the process of learning to do it well
So, here I am, not working for any corporate bitches and in the process slowing becoming one myself. I am living a fuller life nurturing rachel, taking care of the family-meals included, and learning music which is what I wanted to study and excel for the glory of God.
I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew I was the marrying type since I was in secondary school when I literally grew up in a small church full of young families. This is where I learnt to baby sit in the nursery even infants as young as a few months old and learnt to cope with the tonnes of saliva and screamed for the respective mothers when their kids pooed or vomited.
Then I moved on to the children ministry where I had to relate bible stories, make props for "theatre" and lots of art and craft including painting a whole mural on a church wall- Jesus loves the little children. Wish I had taken a picture of it to show rachel now. *sigh* I wouldn't say I enjoy every minute of this ministry but the brain-storming, the decision making and letting my creativie juices flowing. A big YES!!!! I even made "passports" and help the children aged 4-10 "travel internationally -where we stopped over at France, visited the Effiel Tower, sampled "red wine" (ribena) and ate crossiants. Other countries included Japan, China, Italy, Korea???? and Singapore (home). Being a peace loving person, I must say the one thing I HATE about dealing with many children is the NOISE. I get a bad headache and become rather frustrated within afterwards. Noise of any type gets on my nerves, probably the main reason why I prefer only ONE kid. PEACE =HAPPINESS
Later I counselled teenagers, which was not easy since I was quite a busy and goody one and in my early twenties was only a few years older than them. I find it hard to understand their anger, their rebellion, negativity and sexual promiscuity. Then I occured to me, most felt neglected by parents and had dysfunctional homes and though I was not a 100% on good terms with my parents then, I had the vision to excel in school, to do well in work and to help others - to become a better person all the time etc for myself, because life is short, I always want to live it well. Unfortunately, most youth I dealt with thought very short term and suffered much from low esteem, especially so when their parents were absent and they were brought up by maids. This is why I prefer to be a hands on mother to my only child.
The only ministry that I felt a calling towards and derived much satisfaction from was the worship ministry. I love to sing and pounce on the stage, ya...I actually had been performing on stage since my kindergarten days for school anniversaries, concerts and of course getting the various academic achievement awards. I sort of miss the "mike", the "lights" and the "dark audience". HAHAHA. Well, I will return to serve in this fashion which I did for almost 7 years if the Lord wanted me to.
In the meantime, I feel even more drawn towards music-making. I don't know why but I want to learn to play my favourite chopin pieces before I exit from the world. There is this huge dimension in music that I need to explore and grow in for the rest of my life. Nothing is impossible with God. Who knows... I may end up a music teacher or performer. BUT, the more important thing is the sheer satisfaction of making music and the process of learning to do it well
So, here I am, not working for any corporate bitches and in the process slowing becoming one myself. I am living a fuller life nurturing rachel, taking care of the family-meals included, and learning music which is what I wanted to study and excel for the glory of God.
Monday, 6 July 2009
Remembering Heath- Brokeback Mountain
While the world grieves for Michael Jackson, known affectionately as MJ, and I do to a certain extent, more the music than the man, I find myself missing Heath Ledger who died after an accidental drug overdose, last year on 22 Jan 2008, at the tender age of 28.
So here I am watching many of Heath's movies, or works of art I would call it and of course I had to watch Brokeback Mountain (2005) as well. This wonderful love epic between two cowboys was shown in the local cinemas but I was then too busy with newborn rachel, being her full time care-giver. Coincidentally, Heath's daughter, Matilda Rose, with his then girlfriend Michelle Williams was born October of the same year.
Based on the award winning author Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain is a short story ( i read it thrice) about the lives of "two young and lonely country boys with no prospects, brought up to hardwork and privation, both rough mannered and tough-spoken". Well, in their desperation, they found work as ranch hands in the wild, unforgiving summer landscape of Wyoming, became friends and that sudden companionship became a strong bondage that affected their lives even as each went on to start their own families and have children.
The film directed by the award winning director Ang Lee boasts of Heath Ledger as Ennis Del Mar, who was the more reserved among the two. Ennis was brought up by his older brother and sister when his parents died suddenly and at 19 had to drop out of high school to work on the ranch. Jake Gyllenhaal, was cast as the vivacious, romantic Jack Twist that started all these!!!!! Afterall, Jack Twist was the one that started their first gay sex and then after 5 years, went to look up Ennis who was happily married to Alma and had two young girls. Alma De Beers portrayed by Michelle Williams was Heath's serious girlfriend at that time.
There were plenty of endearing scenes in this movie which feels more than a love epic than a gay cowboy film. This is a movie that appeals to mass audiences and connects with us in a way that makes us reflect upon our own relationships.
I am intrigued by the character of Ennis Del Mar. Outwardly, he acts very tough and macho, but he had a lot of fears, as director Ang Lee puts it. He kept his thoughts and feelings to himself and many years later told Jack, who had helped him open up," That summer, when we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate something bad....took me about a year to figure out it was that I shouldn't let you out of my sights....."
My favourite scene, "I wish I knew how to quit you"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTytc_Dfnc totally heart-breaking!!!!!
Then there was another when Ennis's wife witnessed her husband, who is not big on endearments, passionately kissing another man- his "fishing buddy". I would have suffered a cardiac arrest and died on the spot. Its one thing that your husband had an affair with another woman but its so, I don't know what to say, insulting, degrading, horrifying, tormenting, shocking ....to realise that he is in LOVE with another man!!!!!!. That's ultimate betrayal, and for Alma to realise it aint no fishing business, those weekend getaways, with the price tag on the fishing rod still intact after 5 years. Once she attached a note. "hello ennis, bring some fish home, love alma." since her man always come back perky said they caught a lot of trouts but never brought home any. To her horror, the note was intact as well. The fishing rod never touched water. Ennis and Jack were just together, a lot.
I admired Heath. He's such a great actor. In an interview, he said he couldn't care less about the gay labelling. Its acting. Whether you are kissing, a man, a woman or ..... He's so professional about it. Jake revealed that the passionate kissing scene was choreographed to seconds. Anyway, I love the movie, the wonderful directing, and only wished I had watched it on the big screen then. Such a endearing love epic.
So here I am watching many of Heath's movies, or works of art I would call it and of course I had to watch Brokeback Mountain (2005) as well. This wonderful love epic between two cowboys was shown in the local cinemas but I was then too busy with newborn rachel, being her full time care-giver. Coincidentally, Heath's daughter, Matilda Rose, with his then girlfriend Michelle Williams was born October of the same year.
Based on the award winning author Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain is a short story ( i read it thrice) about the lives of "two young and lonely country boys with no prospects, brought up to hardwork and privation, both rough mannered and tough-spoken". Well, in their desperation, they found work as ranch hands in the wild, unforgiving summer landscape of Wyoming, became friends and that sudden companionship became a strong bondage that affected their lives even as each went on to start their own families and have children.
The film directed by the award winning director Ang Lee boasts of Heath Ledger as Ennis Del Mar, who was the more reserved among the two. Ennis was brought up by his older brother and sister when his parents died suddenly and at 19 had to drop out of high school to work on the ranch. Jake Gyllenhaal, was cast as the vivacious, romantic Jack Twist that started all these!!!!! Afterall, Jack Twist was the one that started their first gay sex and then after 5 years, went to look up Ennis who was happily married to Alma and had two young girls. Alma De Beers portrayed by Michelle Williams was Heath's serious girlfriend at that time.
There were plenty of endearing scenes in this movie which feels more than a love epic than a gay cowboy film. This is a movie that appeals to mass audiences and connects with us in a way that makes us reflect upon our own relationships.
I am intrigued by the character of Ennis Del Mar. Outwardly, he acts very tough and macho, but he had a lot of fears, as director Ang Lee puts it. He kept his thoughts and feelings to himself and many years later told Jack, who had helped him open up," That summer, when we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate something bad....took me about a year to figure out it was that I shouldn't let you out of my sights....."
My favourite scene, "I wish I knew how to quit you"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTytc_Dfnc totally heart-breaking!!!!!
Then there was another when Ennis's wife witnessed her husband, who is not big on endearments, passionately kissing another man- his "fishing buddy". I would have suffered a cardiac arrest and died on the spot. Its one thing that your husband had an affair with another woman but its so, I don't know what to say, insulting, degrading, horrifying, tormenting, shocking ....to realise that he is in LOVE with another man!!!!!!. That's ultimate betrayal, and for Alma to realise it aint no fishing business, those weekend getaways, with the price tag on the fishing rod still intact after 5 years. Once she attached a note. "hello ennis, bring some fish home, love alma." since her man always come back perky said they caught a lot of trouts but never brought home any. To her horror, the note was intact as well. The fishing rod never touched water. Ennis and Jack were just together, a lot.
I admired Heath. He's such a great actor. In an interview, he said he couldn't care less about the gay labelling. Its acting. Whether you are kissing, a man, a woman or ..... He's so professional about it. Jake revealed that the passionate kissing scene was choreographed to seconds. Anyway, I love the movie, the wonderful directing, and only wished I had watched it on the big screen then. Such a endearing love epic.
Thursday, 2 July 2009
U kidding me??????
I am so looking forward to the latest Wang family member. You see, my sis-in-law Christine is pregnant with her third child, another girl due mid nov. The last baby in our family had been Lynn now turning two, already in child care with her brother Luke, adorable kids from my brother Ron.
So....the all too scary question. When is your turn????? I mean, pressure...pressure..pressure....not pleasure....pleasure....pleasure.
I want to take this opportunity to officially declare, as if I had not yet done so, that ONE is ENOUGH for my family of single income sans any form of domestic help.
I consider Rachel a tough birth. While her conception and pregnancy was smooth right up to 5 months, I was pressured to leave work before I was 6 months pregnant with bleeding due to the extremely stressful sales banking job in the bank where working long hours, standing and during weekends was part and parcel of the job. In the end, I lost the maternity benefits. My family struggled with the loss of my higher income at that time and soon my mum was dignosed with terminal stage cancer, needing expensive surgery and chemotheraphy for the next 4 years. Her sufferings finally ended last year in Mar 2008.
It's no joke being pregnant and wondering if your own mother will be around when the child is due. I remembered praying and asking God to please prolong my mother's life so she may enjoy her grand child. God did, sort of, as mum battled cancer, she also received much physical, emotional and financial support from her many children and found her many grand children, a source of comfort and good distraction from the pain and suffering.
Add to that, we could not afford any domestic help. I literally raised Rachel from day one I was discharged from the hospital with the awful c-section. Life was tough, physically, emotionally, financially and somewhat spiritually too. It's a miracle that I went through the 2.5 years of night feeds being essentially Rachel's milk bottle on demand. Yan's a great help but I am still the main care giver. When my child was sick, rota virus, bronchitis etc, or injured, fell off the bed at 4 months, had her fingers slammed twice by the door needing A& E, I was extra, extra stressed out, physically, emotionally and financially. Not forgetting the time when Yan was hospitalised for dengue. To finance the many immunisations that Rachel needed, we also sold our wedding jewellery which I frankly do not care much.
So for several times a week, I often had to travel to sengkang, north east of Singapore, a 1.5 hour journey by bus and train, to care for my sick mum, while attending to the urgent needs of my toddler. Rachel had to be with me whenever I accompanied my mum on her various cancer treatment including the various invasive procedures that required hospitalisation.
How can I ever want to have another kid. I would need super human strength to cope with more chores, more mess and would not have time to give Rachel the best attention and lessons in art and music. Rachel is home schooled. What about our musical pursuits-yan and mine????. $$$$$$$$ wise, we have yet to save up for our own place since the lease of this current haven will expire next year.
Besides, I cannot imagine buying the baby stuff that I had so diligently and desperately ebayed away to raise cash, and start the whole process of suffering all over again. Yan too, felt that one kid is already a huge toll on our finances and lifestyle that went from comfort to sheer basic necessities. To add to that, there is a sick mother in law that is dependent on him, the financial burden of whom gets heavier each day due to medical and old age issues.
The logical thing to do : Be content.
After all, with only one child, the apple of our eyes, Rachel becomes very precious and cherished and blessed with quality toys and lots of attention and parental company.
I am done with child bearing. When I have another $20,000, I would rather buy a better violin and Yan his dream grand piano, the Yamaha c2. But of course, sensibly, we will repay the debts and loans and believe God for our own property.
Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. After all, we are the righteousness of God and as Abraham's seed, we will be and are already being blessed in every way. Merci Mon Dieu.
So....the all too scary question. When is your turn????? I mean, pressure...pressure..pressure....not pleasure....pleasure....pleasure.
I want to take this opportunity to officially declare, as if I had not yet done so, that ONE is ENOUGH for my family of single income sans any form of domestic help.
I consider Rachel a tough birth. While her conception and pregnancy was smooth right up to 5 months, I was pressured to leave work before I was 6 months pregnant with bleeding due to the extremely stressful sales banking job in the bank where working long hours, standing and during weekends was part and parcel of the job. In the end, I lost the maternity benefits. My family struggled with the loss of my higher income at that time and soon my mum was dignosed with terminal stage cancer, needing expensive surgery and chemotheraphy for the next 4 years. Her sufferings finally ended last year in Mar 2008.
It's no joke being pregnant and wondering if your own mother will be around when the child is due. I remembered praying and asking God to please prolong my mother's life so she may enjoy her grand child. God did, sort of, as mum battled cancer, she also received much physical, emotional and financial support from her many children and found her many grand children, a source of comfort and good distraction from the pain and suffering.
Add to that, we could not afford any domestic help. I literally raised Rachel from day one I was discharged from the hospital with the awful c-section. Life was tough, physically, emotionally, financially and somewhat spiritually too. It's a miracle that I went through the 2.5 years of night feeds being essentially Rachel's milk bottle on demand. Yan's a great help but I am still the main care giver. When my child was sick, rota virus, bronchitis etc, or injured, fell off the bed at 4 months, had her fingers slammed twice by the door needing A& E, I was extra, extra stressed out, physically, emotionally and financially. Not forgetting the time when Yan was hospitalised for dengue. To finance the many immunisations that Rachel needed, we also sold our wedding jewellery which I frankly do not care much.
So for several times a week, I often had to travel to sengkang, north east of Singapore, a 1.5 hour journey by bus and train, to care for my sick mum, while attending to the urgent needs of my toddler. Rachel had to be with me whenever I accompanied my mum on her various cancer treatment including the various invasive procedures that required hospitalisation.
How can I ever want to have another kid. I would need super human strength to cope with more chores, more mess and would not have time to give Rachel the best attention and lessons in art and music. Rachel is home schooled. What about our musical pursuits-yan and mine????. $$$$$$$$ wise, we have yet to save up for our own place since the lease of this current haven will expire next year.
Besides, I cannot imagine buying the baby stuff that I had so diligently and desperately ebayed away to raise cash, and start the whole process of suffering all over again. Yan too, felt that one kid is already a huge toll on our finances and lifestyle that went from comfort to sheer basic necessities. To add to that, there is a sick mother in law that is dependent on him, the financial burden of whom gets heavier each day due to medical and old age issues.
The logical thing to do : Be content.
After all, with only one child, the apple of our eyes, Rachel becomes very precious and cherished and blessed with quality toys and lots of attention and parental company.
I am done with child bearing. When I have another $20,000, I would rather buy a better violin and Yan his dream grand piano, the Yamaha c2. But of course, sensibly, we will repay the debts and loans and believe God for our own property.
Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. After all, we are the righteousness of God and as Abraham's seed, we will be and are already being blessed in every way. Merci Mon Dieu.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
