Love and harassment

Since there is no such thing as film rating in my family, rachel now 4.5 years now understands courtship, romance, making love and birthing babies.

As a young primary school kid I was horrified by the undignified "live" birth documentary i watched at the science centre. All the monstrous yelling, huffing, pushing and tears and all that blood and gross stuff. Such a bloody, dare i say, damn bloody baby being placed on the super hysterically worn out mum to smile at with tears. It still gets to me today when I watch films and the actresses screamed like "they were being dragged under by a train" (from Dr Zhivago, Boris pasternak). Both the Mists of Avalon and I am Dina confirmed my ex deepest fear, of undignified, painful birthing.

So thankfully I have a c scar which sort of resembled a smile, to remind Rachel that she was a special birth not from the vagina like all her cousins and mummy did not yell and scream like a mad woman in the movies. Also when i finally get to see Rachel the newborn, she was looking angelically beautiful and smell nice, not at all bloody and yucky. I love her at first sight and deeply appreciates that dignified birth. Guess, God knows I can handle the post operation process better.

Actually I first learnt about sex in primary school when a Malay girl about 8-9 that was in another class got fatter by the week. Being chatty, I spoke with her before and even joked that she must be eating a lot of fast food. I had no idea then. Until one day, she gave birth to a still born in the level one girl's toilet. I remembered peering in that big toilet, well cordoned off with bloody stains on the floor tiles, everywhere. Thank God that was ALL that I saw and remembered. Of course I knew about the function of penises and vaginas but at that age boys are "YUCK, GO AWAY YOU CREEP" species. It baffled me that the "Malay fat girl" I actually never know her name, would allow a penis in her...SUPER YUCK!!!!

In secondary school, kind of late, there was the pads verus tampons talk for girls. Its kind of very late as many of us were already wearing bras and menstruating. In fact, the first time it happened to me, I was in the toilet doing my business and I thought, "God, am I dying??" "what's with all these blood" (i have a bit of issue with too much blood, haemophobia due to witnessing too much accidents and falls as a young child) "should I tell my parents I am dying???" I was 11. Mum came to the rescue matter of factly with a sanitary pad and dad just laughed in the background. I felt unimportant and stupid even.

Then in victoria junior college, it was the "embarrassing" documentary on aborted foetuses, and diseased penises with warts and yellow discharges. How horrible!!!! To sit between my two best friends, male buddies, Winston and Teck throughout that video slideshow. Winston was saying it was nothing new and revealed that his mum was an abortionist in KK hospital and "really those aborted things looked like bloody crushed chicken wings" I was off chicken for a long time, after what he said. At that time in 1990, the words "condoms" were mentioned but there was no presentation of it and description on the usage or the fact that it was not able to offer 100% protection against HIV/ STI or pregnancy.

For me, perhaps I am a romantic and perfectionist at heart, I never felt sexually attracted to my male friends whom I had quite a following in the form of male buddies, musicians, beer buddies, karaoke duet singers, not so with shopping etc. As a young woman, I was often pissed by male bad habits of smoking, excessive drinking, swearing, yes, even shaking legs or worse bad hygiene practices like nose picking. To me, I knew I wanted a "perfect man" as in first of all, he must be a man, not a boy!!!!! Someone who understands responsibility and has high levels of integrity. I needed someone I can connect with, heart, mind and soul. So I am often searching and writing off "potential suitors". I am just not somebody who can put myself in the arms of another boy/ man unless I know he's the one that I love and am sure of his love for me.

Sexual Harassment
So all these years from teenage to almost late twenties, I never allow myself to fall easily for someone or anyone. It also doesn't help that as a young girl i was molested on several occasions, the first was in the lift by a "mentally unsound" Malay neighbour in his late teens. I mean he horrified me, in primary school uniform when he suddenly grab me from behind and bear hug me. That stolen peck with all the stubble despite all my struggles, I was so defenceless and angry and cried all the way home. I only managed to wriggle myself free by elbowing him. My mother was not at all a comfort when she kept asking what else did he do??? Tell me did he touch you there????

Then there was those crowded school bus type where idiots press their bodies against you and you felt a warm sensation in the form of the male appendage (my school skirt was of very thick material) and then before you can scream molest that bad guy sensing "danger" alighted in a flash and you resolved to scream faster and louder the next time!!! Then I was flashed at by some indian construction worker at Aljunied MRT in broad daylight. That stupid idiot just lifted his sarong after shouting for my attention. I was on the way to university. It was so offensive!!!!

The worse happened in my auditor days, first job upon graduation. It was late, almost midnight and I was rushing work with my senior Leo *(not his real name). Leo was an Australian grad and he was not that good looking but he exuded quite a lot of charm on most female colleagues but not me. He's simply not to my taste. I hate the nature of auditing. It was boring and laborious and so technical with all the calculating. I must have "doze off" a bit when suddenly I felt his arm around my shoulders. "Lets take a break. lets have some fun" Leo remarked. I was still in daze , tired from over working and wanting to go home, get out of the uncomfortable work clothes, have a nice shower and sleep.

I did not reply, thinking he was just being "friendly". Then the unexpected happened. He tried to kiss me. I was shocked to the bone. I tried to push him away. He being bigger and stronger tried harder to "kiss" me. God I was angry and frightened at the same time, I struggled physically, panting and tearing at the same time. "Go away.." "No" "Let me go" I screamed but there was no one in the empty office and we were in the conference room with the huge table full of files and audit worksheets. He tried to grope me and said something like" you will like it, I can make you like it...." Even now as I recall the scene, I shudder to realise I could be raped if I had not elbowed him hard enough and almost slap him in the face. I remembered crying out to Jesus " Help" and then I sprinted out of the office and into a cab home, crying. The next day, I had to endure Leo's sarcastic looks and comments as I still had to work under him and when I requested for a transfer with the management I was given a bad report by Leo. He said I was "incompetent in my work". I wanted much to tell the truth but really at 22 I had no courage then and feared much what others will think of me. How my parents will react to this episode of sexual harassment. Did they not beseech me not to wear so sexy? (mainly, tube tops and spaghetti tops). I deserved it. For giving Leo the wrong signals???? Anyway, I resolved to be more "conservatively" dressed from then on. That horrible episode made me make up my mind to leave the job prematurely by breaking the bond. I just want to run away from it all, i never want to see him ever!!! He could jolly well be hit by a car...i don't care.

So I sort of understood how Tess of the d'urbervilles would have felt when trusting her "kinsman" Alec, she was taken advantage of by her "cousin" Alec who raped her. How can one ever love the person who violates you even in the name of love!!!!! What a horrible thing to do!

To Rachel, I hope that like me she will wait for her true love before she becomes sexually involved in a relationship, ideally in a marriage. But Rachel may not be like me, if ever she had pre-marital sex or even becomes pregnant as a result, i know I will be there to comfort and support her. I do not believe in imposing rules, but I think it is important to let her know how much we love her and pray for her concerning the man of her life, her marriage partner. Our future son-in-law.

For to me, there is nothing so special and romantic like that act of marriage. As man and wife, there was no fumbling, no ball of nerves, only relaxed, enjoyable love making with the love of your life.-even for the first time.