I enjoy blogging. Or writing and typing out my thoughts and feelings. I don't know when it started but during my primary school days I was asked to write articles for the student paper and I won some stationery. I love to read and write and I admired my own neat handwriting. Writing or blogging is so therapeutic an expression alongside music, art and even dancing for me.
My blogs are harmless. Non political. I hate all forms of politics including that of families and church. In fact, I never intend these to be published, as a book, it will never end up a best-seller with its "sinless" uninteresting though sometimes humorous outlook in life. I wrote so that Rachel can enjoy learning about and from her mum when she is older. My blogs encourages some according to the comments I have received, well Praise the Lord. God is and always will be a part of my family and my life.
I had a pen-pal when I was in my early teens. His name was Right Yam. Funny name, I prefer to think of him as a Wrong Potato. He lives in Hong Kong and it was fun initially writing courteously about the countries and the differences especially about school. Then he started to send me photos of himself, an ordinary HK boy, middle class Kowloon resident and then more and more photos of himself. I did not send any. Not that I was feeling inferior but I just did not feel like I want him to know how I look like- pretty younger fairer. Hahaha. Then he started to send parcels. Cute stuff, trinklets, perfume????? I felt awkward receiving all these and mum was worried that we were in the midst of a long distance courtship that she emphasized time and time again will not last. The last straw came when he asked in a letter, with bad grammar and all, if I would be his girlfriend. I wrote back, a strong negative no and said that my mum wanted me to stop all these pen pal nonsense and that I believe God will bless him with someone suitable. Thereafter, i let mum trash all Hong Kong correspondences.
Don't laugh but I actually wrote to Tommy Paige!!!!! You know that young boy that wrote composed and sang "A shoulder to cry on". After the usual courtesy of praising him for his effort and effect of this song, I went on to share with "him" my great dislike for A mathematics. I ended the letter resolving to do well in Math, Physics and chemistry which I do not like at all because Tommy did not give up easily his initial attempts at song writing, so I believed. Of course I did not receive any reply. Its common knowledge that the agent will do the artiste the great favour of trashing fan mail while keeping stuff mostly trinklets and teddies worth keeping. By the way, I had A distinction for all these subjects and atotal of 10 of them in my O levels. I am not stupid, you know.
What about writing to Hans Matheson. Ha..........I know better now. Concerning him whom I admire, I would rather the good Lord cross our paths, be it in London, Europe, Asia or Singapore. But God have mercy pls, what's the point of meeting in our 50s?????in a not so recognisable state??? hopefully without any walking aid. Actually I would love to have a coffee moment with Hans, but he must not smoke in front of me. I hate all smokers when they smoke in front of me, I choke. But if God will be so kind to bless me with a coffee moment why not his friendship????provided its mutual LAH. Or we could be neighbours????? I can sing with him and Yan can accompany him should he need one for his violin or guitar sessions. And if the papparazzi do catch us having coffee and the local entertainment asked "who's the young asian, with a young child beside Hans" I would love to scream out, "a new family friend!" Amen
Friday, 29 May 2009
The Wedding Game
Last night, my family watched The Wedding Game on the computer-out of obligation since Yan's senior colleague lend him the dvd. I already knew that the movie was a "flop" since I did not recall any favourable reviews of this movie starring the celebrity love birds, Christopher Lee and Fann Wong. It was indeed very boring, highly predictable with borderline acting and the only person who enjoyed the show was Rachel who stayed up till 1am. Rachel loves the multi-layer wedding cake and the Malaysian kampongs which reminded her of "po po" (yan's mum) and her house in Kluang.
Actually I was in much discomfort watching the show, battling cramps or trapped wind and of all places it was "tearing" at the c scar. Hell it was painful and my womb was like contracting??? I never had a single contraction birthing rachel and to me, this flatulence episode or any constipation was bad enough. I just cannot imagine a "live" natural delivery. No more downing ice cold green tea from the fridge late at night for me. OUCH!
In the movie, there was a scene where the lead actor and actress had to appear topless in a commerical when they were obviously not yet in love with each other. I suddenly thought, "Hey, I can do that!" That thought intrigued me and I realised how marriage had changed me. Before I was married I would never be caught dead in such a situation as being topless with anyone, man or woman. In fact, there was a little chalet incident that made me upset as a young girl when I was "taken advantage" of.
The gymnastics team were having a time out at the Pasir Ris chalet. All the college girls, we were granted the only bed to sleep for the night while the 5-6 guys were to sleep on the floor. We slept late of course, being teenagers, we had some gym training in the day and probably some silly games sans alcohol till late night. In the morning, I was surprised to find a hand, a male hand on my waist and his hairy legs on my ever soft smooth one. God!!! One of the most idiotic male gymnast, KT, had crept up and slept beside me along with the other 3 girls and God knows how long!!!! I was indignant but since I was the only one awake and not wanting to create a scene, I pushed him off me and said "you should be on the floors".
Not wanting to sound like a prude, I also recalled another "older" incident. It happened during cell meeting and we were praying in tongues asking the Lord to impress upon us. Well I saw myself hugging Yan and we were both topless!!!! GASP!!!! Was it from God or was it from me??? Of course I could not share with the cell what I received. The fact was I was loving the feelings both physical and emotional in the scene and Yan was only a close friend, not yet my boyfriend.
I guess my feelings for him grew slowly but steadily after that. He's such a comfort to be with. An excellent companion who had patiently waited for me. Never once did he took any advantage of my feeling downcast and depressed over the entire Wilson saga. He just waited sincerely and ever so patiently as a dear brother and friend. It helped that he was interested in me first though I was wary of him being almost 3 years younger and a Malaysian.
Eventually, Yan surprised me with a proposal. The setting. The outdoor jacuzzi at the Grand Parkroyal Hotel where we were just asked by the two Julies to visit. It was a starry night and i saw the new moon in the sky. Years ago, I told the Lord that I do not want guys to woo me with flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, rings, a car or even a condo. What I want was a sincere heart. So when he asked sincerely without any rings or flowers or anything, "Will you marry me?" It was a "Of course!" complete with a passionate bikini hug. The rest is history.
So now that I am married, I can picture myself posing nude for paintings or filming even. Afterall its only acting. I wanted much to be a model when I was young, a lingerie model since I was more blest in my sexy figure than my 1.57 m frame. I could model all sorts of lingerie, half cup, 3/4 cup, just cup with hands or let my hair cover the nipples like an Ariel, the little Mermaid. Then the G strings, T backs, low backs, brazilian, since my bum was tight, smooth and firm. I don't know about it now, I have not got the time to check them nowadays.....HAHAHA. I know Yan would not mind if I pose nude, he is pro-nudist himself but of course, I do not want to anger or embarrass my entire extended family and the church, especially the very conservative traditional brethen church that I grew up in.
Actually I was in much discomfort watching the show, battling cramps or trapped wind and of all places it was "tearing" at the c scar. Hell it was painful and my womb was like contracting??? I never had a single contraction birthing rachel and to me, this flatulence episode or any constipation was bad enough. I just cannot imagine a "live" natural delivery. No more downing ice cold green tea from the fridge late at night for me. OUCH!
In the movie, there was a scene where the lead actor and actress had to appear topless in a commerical when they were obviously not yet in love with each other. I suddenly thought, "Hey, I can do that!" That thought intrigued me and I realised how marriage had changed me. Before I was married I would never be caught dead in such a situation as being topless with anyone, man or woman. In fact, there was a little chalet incident that made me upset as a young girl when I was "taken advantage" of.
The gymnastics team were having a time out at the Pasir Ris chalet. All the college girls, we were granted the only bed to sleep for the night while the 5-6 guys were to sleep on the floor. We slept late of course, being teenagers, we had some gym training in the day and probably some silly games sans alcohol till late night. In the morning, I was surprised to find a hand, a male hand on my waist and his hairy legs on my ever soft smooth one. God!!! One of the most idiotic male gymnast, KT, had crept up and slept beside me along with the other 3 girls and God knows how long!!!! I was indignant but since I was the only one awake and not wanting to create a scene, I pushed him off me and said "you should be on the floors".
Not wanting to sound like a prude, I also recalled another "older" incident. It happened during cell meeting and we were praying in tongues asking the Lord to impress upon us. Well I saw myself hugging Yan and we were both topless!!!! GASP!!!! Was it from God or was it from me??? Of course I could not share with the cell what I received. The fact was I was loving the feelings both physical and emotional in the scene and Yan was only a close friend, not yet my boyfriend.
I guess my feelings for him grew slowly but steadily after that. He's such a comfort to be with. An excellent companion who had patiently waited for me. Never once did he took any advantage of my feeling downcast and depressed over the entire Wilson saga. He just waited sincerely and ever so patiently as a dear brother and friend. It helped that he was interested in me first though I was wary of him being almost 3 years younger and a Malaysian.
Eventually, Yan surprised me with a proposal. The setting. The outdoor jacuzzi at the Grand Parkroyal Hotel where we were just asked by the two Julies to visit. It was a starry night and i saw the new moon in the sky. Years ago, I told the Lord that I do not want guys to woo me with flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, rings, a car or even a condo. What I want was a sincere heart. So when he asked sincerely without any rings or flowers or anything, "Will you marry me?" It was a "Of course!" complete with a passionate bikini hug. The rest is history.
So now that I am married, I can picture myself posing nude for paintings or filming even. Afterall its only acting. I wanted much to be a model when I was young, a lingerie model since I was more blest in my sexy figure than my 1.57 m frame. I could model all sorts of lingerie, half cup, 3/4 cup, just cup with hands or let my hair cover the nipples like an Ariel, the little Mermaid. Then the G strings, T backs, low backs, brazilian, since my bum was tight, smooth and firm. I don't know about it now, I have not got the time to check them nowadays.....HAHAHA. I know Yan would not mind if I pose nude, he is pro-nudist himself but of course, I do not want to anger or embarrass my entire extended family and the church, especially the very conservative traditional brethen church that I grew up in.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
On Tess of the D'urbervilles
Its difficult to believe that Alec d'urberville had a genuine conversion, more so a "whimsical conversion, which was perhaps the mere freak of a careless man in search of a new sensation, and temporarily impressed by his mother's death" like Thomas Hardy had put it. His one of the kind mum was obviously lacking in maternal affections that he craved for preferring the company for her cooing companions (the chickens), she was a blind invalid and more blind I should say to her son's need of her approval.
To me Alec is a kind soul who doesn't know how to love someone properly. After he seduces, read rape his so called cousin Tess on that fateful misty night in the woods, he singlehandedly destroyed her. She was left to pick up the pieces, the physical and emotional trauma of the rape and the result of it. A dead infant son named SORROW, and of course the social stigma of being a pure woman no more.
So when they met again quite by accident some four years later, he had to her surprise become a street preacher while she was hardly able to sustain herself doing hard manual labour in the farms. Seeing Tess awoke those old feelings in him that he thought were dead. "The old adam" but upon learning of her troubles namely that she had her son and that poor young innocent life was dead, made him want to make amends or restitution. He decided he had to marry her, the woman that he once used brutally and despised, the mother of his dead child.
"Will you put it in my power to do my duty-to make the only reparation I can make for the trick played on you: that is, will you be my wife and go with me? asked Alec with a slight embarrassment as he withdrew the marriage licence from his pocket. And to add to that, "Its my old mother's dying wish."
Of course. Tess must refused such an audacious request. Afterall, she was already married to the youngest son of that pastor who coincidentally was the cause of Alec's temporal conversion. As much as Tess loved Angel whom she looked up to as almost perfect, Angel upon discovering her history had despised her and abandoned her. Tess became a deserted wife, left to fend for herself with very little and hoping against hope for her husband's forgiveness though she had already forgiven him of his 48 hour folly with an older woman.
I love it in the BBC drama miniseries, Hans Matheson made Alec D'urberville so attractive, charming and sexy a bad character that one cannot help but feel for him. To me Alec is not all bad. If there is anyone to blame I would point my fingers at the old blind invalid mother of his, whose disapproval and lack of maternal love made Alec who he is. Alec is a sensitive soul and he had compassion on Tess and her forever needy large peasant family. He is always there to provide. Plus Alec really does not like the beauty of his life to suffer in the hands of a hard driving task master at the farm, doing hard labour chores when she should be a fair lady.
Eventually Tess agreed to be his "creature" or modern equivalent of "mistress". I would choose the same too. One must be practical. To love the man, your so called husband who despised you and abandoned you, who obviously had become indifferent to your love or to accept a better life, no more hard labour and poverty including education for the younger siblings. Why not??? Afterall, despite what had happened before, Alec does love Tess so much that he gave up his preaching assignment just to be with her. He even accuses her of his "backsliding" and liken her to the "witch of Babylon".
"Tess, my girl, I was on the way to, at least, social salvation till I saw you again!", he said, freakishly shaking her as if she were a child. "And why have you tempted me? I was firm as a man could be till I saw those eyes and that mouth again-surely there never was such a maddening mouth since Eve's." Hahaha. Such a passionate man.
Anyway I voted for Gemma Arterton, 23 and Tess of the D'urbervilles in the TV choice and TV Quick Awards 2009, though i felt a sense of pity that Hans was not in the Best Actor list. I genuinely believes his role is very crucial and his acting skills superb and that is what makes this Thomas Hardy classic directed by David Snodin so worth watching-over and over again even though i could only get to see it in Youtube.
To me Alec is a kind soul who doesn't know how to love someone properly. After he seduces, read rape his so called cousin Tess on that fateful misty night in the woods, he singlehandedly destroyed her. She was left to pick up the pieces, the physical and emotional trauma of the rape and the result of it. A dead infant son named SORROW, and of course the social stigma of being a pure woman no more.
So when they met again quite by accident some four years later, he had to her surprise become a street preacher while she was hardly able to sustain herself doing hard manual labour in the farms. Seeing Tess awoke those old feelings in him that he thought were dead. "The old adam" but upon learning of her troubles namely that she had her son and that poor young innocent life was dead, made him want to make amends or restitution. He decided he had to marry her, the woman that he once used brutally and despised, the mother of his dead child.
"Will you put it in my power to do my duty-to make the only reparation I can make for the trick played on you: that is, will you be my wife and go with me? asked Alec with a slight embarrassment as he withdrew the marriage licence from his pocket. And to add to that, "Its my old mother's dying wish."
Of course. Tess must refused such an audacious request. Afterall, she was already married to the youngest son of that pastor who coincidentally was the cause of Alec's temporal conversion. As much as Tess loved Angel whom she looked up to as almost perfect, Angel upon discovering her history had despised her and abandoned her. Tess became a deserted wife, left to fend for herself with very little and hoping against hope for her husband's forgiveness though she had already forgiven him of his 48 hour folly with an older woman.
I love it in the BBC drama miniseries, Hans Matheson made Alec D'urberville so attractive, charming and sexy a bad character that one cannot help but feel for him. To me Alec is not all bad. If there is anyone to blame I would point my fingers at the old blind invalid mother of his, whose disapproval and lack of maternal love made Alec who he is. Alec is a sensitive soul and he had compassion on Tess and her forever needy large peasant family. He is always there to provide. Plus Alec really does not like the beauty of his life to suffer in the hands of a hard driving task master at the farm, doing hard labour chores when she should be a fair lady.
Eventually Tess agreed to be his "creature" or modern equivalent of "mistress". I would choose the same too. One must be practical. To love the man, your so called husband who despised you and abandoned you, who obviously had become indifferent to your love or to accept a better life, no more hard labour and poverty including education for the younger siblings. Why not??? Afterall, despite what had happened before, Alec does love Tess so much that he gave up his preaching assignment just to be with her. He even accuses her of his "backsliding" and liken her to the "witch of Babylon".
"Tess, my girl, I was on the way to, at least, social salvation till I saw you again!", he said, freakishly shaking her as if she were a child. "And why have you tempted me? I was firm as a man could be till I saw those eyes and that mouth again-surely there never was such a maddening mouth since Eve's." Hahaha. Such a passionate man.
Anyway I voted for Gemma Arterton, 23 and Tess of the D'urbervilles in the TV choice and TV Quick Awards 2009, though i felt a sense of pity that Hans was not in the Best Actor list. I genuinely believes his role is very crucial and his acting skills superb and that is what makes this Thomas Hardy classic directed by David Snodin so worth watching-over and over again even though i could only get to see it in Youtube.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Love and harassment
Since there is no such thing as film rating in my family, rachel now 4.5 years now understands courtship, romance, making love and birthing babies.
As a young primary school kid I was horrified by the undignified "live" birth documentary i watched at the science centre. All the monstrous yelling, huffing, pushing and tears and all that blood and gross stuff. Such a bloody, dare i say, damn bloody baby being placed on the super hysterically worn out mum to smile at with tears. It still gets to me today when I watch films and the actresses screamed like "they were being dragged under by a train" (from Dr Zhivago, Boris pasternak). Both the Mists of Avalon and I am Dina confirmed my ex deepest fear, of undignified, painful birthing.
So thankfully I have a c scar which sort of resembled a smile, to remind Rachel that she was a special birth not from the vagina like all her cousins and mummy did not yell and scream like a mad woman in the movies. Also when i finally get to see Rachel the newborn, she was looking angelically beautiful and smell nice, not at all bloody and yucky. I love her at first sight and deeply appreciates that dignified birth. Guess, God knows I can handle the post operation process better.
Actually I first learnt about sex in primary school when a Malay girl about 8-9 that was in another class got fatter by the week. Being chatty, I spoke with her before and even joked that she must be eating a lot of fast food. I had no idea then. Until one day, she gave birth to a still born in the level one girl's toilet. I remembered peering in that big toilet, well cordoned off with bloody stains on the floor tiles, everywhere. Thank God that was ALL that I saw and remembered. Of course I knew about the function of penises and vaginas but at that age boys are "YUCK, GO AWAY YOU CREEP" species. It baffled me that the "Malay fat girl" I actually never know her name, would allow a penis in her...SUPER YUCK!!!!
In secondary school, kind of late, there was the pads verus tampons talk for girls. Its kind of very late as many of us were already wearing bras and menstruating. In fact, the first time it happened to me, I was in the toilet doing my business and I thought, "God, am I dying??" "what's with all these blood" (i have a bit of issue with too much blood, haemophobia due to witnessing too much accidents and falls as a young child) "should I tell my parents I am dying???" I was 11. Mum came to the rescue matter of factly with a sanitary pad and dad just laughed in the background. I felt unimportant and stupid even.
Then in victoria junior college, it was the "embarrassing" documentary on aborted foetuses, and diseased penises with warts and yellow discharges. How horrible!!!! To sit between my two best friends, male buddies, Winston and Teck throughout that video slideshow. Winston was saying it was nothing new and revealed that his mum was an abortionist in KK hospital and "really those aborted things looked like bloody crushed chicken wings" I was off chicken for a long time, after what he said. At that time in 1990, the words "condoms" were mentioned but there was no presentation of it and description on the usage or the fact that it was not able to offer 100% protection against HIV/ STI or pregnancy.
For me, perhaps I am a romantic and perfectionist at heart, I never felt sexually attracted to my male friends whom I had quite a following in the form of male buddies, musicians, beer buddies, karaoke duet singers, not so with shopping etc. As a young woman, I was often pissed by male bad habits of smoking, excessive drinking, swearing, yes, even shaking legs or worse bad hygiene practices like nose picking. To me, I knew I wanted a "perfect man" as in first of all, he must be a man, not a boy!!!!! Someone who understands responsibility and has high levels of integrity. I needed someone I can connect with, heart, mind and soul. So I am often searching and writing off "potential suitors". I am just not somebody who can put myself in the arms of another boy/ man unless I know he's the one that I love and am sure of his love for me.
Sexual Harassment
So all these years from teenage to almost late twenties, I never allow myself to fall easily for someone or anyone. It also doesn't help that as a young girl i was molested on several occasions, the first was in the lift by a "mentally unsound" Malay neighbour in his late teens. I mean he horrified me, in primary school uniform when he suddenly grab me from behind and bear hug me. That stolen peck with all the stubble despite all my struggles, I was so defenceless and angry and cried all the way home. I only managed to wriggle myself free by elbowing him. My mother was not at all a comfort when she kept asking what else did he do??? Tell me did he touch you there????
Then there was those crowded school bus type where idiots press their bodies against you and you felt a warm sensation in the form of the male appendage (my school skirt was of very thick material) and then before you can scream molest that bad guy sensing "danger" alighted in a flash and you resolved to scream faster and louder the next time!!! Then I was flashed at by some indian construction worker at Aljunied MRT in broad daylight. That stupid idiot just lifted his sarong after shouting for my attention. I was on the way to university. It was so offensive!!!!
The worse happened in my auditor days, first job upon graduation. It was late, almost midnight and I was rushing work with my senior Leo *(not his real name). Leo was an Australian grad and he was not that good looking but he exuded quite a lot of charm on most female colleagues but not me. He's simply not to my taste. I hate the nature of auditing. It was boring and laborious and so technical with all the calculating. I must have "doze off" a bit when suddenly I felt his arm around my shoulders. "Lets take a break. lets have some fun" Leo remarked. I was still in daze , tired from over working and wanting to go home, get out of the uncomfortable work clothes, have a nice shower and sleep.
I did not reply, thinking he was just being "friendly". Then the unexpected happened. He tried to kiss me. I was shocked to the bone. I tried to push him away. He being bigger and stronger tried harder to "kiss" me. God I was angry and frightened at the same time, I struggled physically, panting and tearing at the same time. "Go away.." "No" "Let me go" I screamed but there was no one in the empty office and we were in the conference room with the huge table full of files and audit worksheets. He tried to grope me and said something like" you will like it, I can make you like it...." Even now as I recall the scene, I shudder to realise I could be raped if I had not elbowed him hard enough and almost slap him in the face. I remembered crying out to Jesus " Help" and then I sprinted out of the office and into a cab home, crying. The next day, I had to endure Leo's sarcastic looks and comments as I still had to work under him and when I requested for a transfer with the management I was given a bad report by Leo. He said I was "incompetent in my work". I wanted much to tell the truth but really at 22 I had no courage then and feared much what others will think of me. How my parents will react to this episode of sexual harassment. Did they not beseech me not to wear so sexy? (mainly, tube tops and spaghetti tops). I deserved it. For giving Leo the wrong signals???? Anyway, I resolved to be more "conservatively" dressed from then on. That horrible episode made me make up my mind to leave the job prematurely by breaking the bond. I just want to run away from it all, i never want to see him ever!!! He could jolly well be hit by a car...i don't care.
So I sort of understood how Tess of the d'urbervilles would have felt when trusting her "kinsman" Alec, she was taken advantage of by her "cousin" Alec who raped her. How can one ever love the person who violates you even in the name of love!!!!! What a horrible thing to do!
To Rachel, I hope that like me she will wait for her true love before she becomes sexually involved in a relationship, ideally in a marriage. But Rachel may not be like me, if ever she had pre-marital sex or even becomes pregnant as a result, i know I will be there to comfort and support her. I do not believe in imposing rules, but I think it is important to let her know how much we love her and pray for her concerning the man of her life, her marriage partner. Our future son-in-law.
For to me, there is nothing so special and romantic like that act of marriage. As man and wife, there was no fumbling, no ball of nerves, only relaxed, enjoyable love making with the love of your life.-even for the first time.
As a young primary school kid I was horrified by the undignified "live" birth documentary i watched at the science centre. All the monstrous yelling, huffing, pushing and tears and all that blood and gross stuff. Such a bloody, dare i say, damn bloody baby being placed on the super hysterically worn out mum to smile at with tears. It still gets to me today when I watch films and the actresses screamed like "they were being dragged under by a train" (from Dr Zhivago, Boris pasternak). Both the Mists of Avalon and I am Dina confirmed my ex deepest fear, of undignified, painful birthing.
So thankfully I have a c scar which sort of resembled a smile, to remind Rachel that she was a special birth not from the vagina like all her cousins and mummy did not yell and scream like a mad woman in the movies. Also when i finally get to see Rachel the newborn, she was looking angelically beautiful and smell nice, not at all bloody and yucky. I love her at first sight and deeply appreciates that dignified birth. Guess, God knows I can handle the post operation process better.
Actually I first learnt about sex in primary school when a Malay girl about 8-9 that was in another class got fatter by the week. Being chatty, I spoke with her before and even joked that she must be eating a lot of fast food. I had no idea then. Until one day, she gave birth to a still born in the level one girl's toilet. I remembered peering in that big toilet, well cordoned off with bloody stains on the floor tiles, everywhere. Thank God that was ALL that I saw and remembered. Of course I knew about the function of penises and vaginas but at that age boys are "YUCK, GO AWAY YOU CREEP" species. It baffled me that the "Malay fat girl" I actually never know her name, would allow a penis in her...SUPER YUCK!!!!
In secondary school, kind of late, there was the pads verus tampons talk for girls. Its kind of very late as many of us were already wearing bras and menstruating. In fact, the first time it happened to me, I was in the toilet doing my business and I thought, "God, am I dying??" "what's with all these blood" (i have a bit of issue with too much blood, haemophobia due to witnessing too much accidents and falls as a young child) "should I tell my parents I am dying???" I was 11. Mum came to the rescue matter of factly with a sanitary pad and dad just laughed in the background. I felt unimportant and stupid even.
Then in victoria junior college, it was the "embarrassing" documentary on aborted foetuses, and diseased penises with warts and yellow discharges. How horrible!!!! To sit between my two best friends, male buddies, Winston and Teck throughout that video slideshow. Winston was saying it was nothing new and revealed that his mum was an abortionist in KK hospital and "really those aborted things looked like bloody crushed chicken wings" I was off chicken for a long time, after what he said. At that time in 1990, the words "condoms" were mentioned but there was no presentation of it and description on the usage or the fact that it was not able to offer 100% protection against HIV/ STI or pregnancy.
For me, perhaps I am a romantic and perfectionist at heart, I never felt sexually attracted to my male friends whom I had quite a following in the form of male buddies, musicians, beer buddies, karaoke duet singers, not so with shopping etc. As a young woman, I was often pissed by male bad habits of smoking, excessive drinking, swearing, yes, even shaking legs or worse bad hygiene practices like nose picking. To me, I knew I wanted a "perfect man" as in first of all, he must be a man, not a boy!!!!! Someone who understands responsibility and has high levels of integrity. I needed someone I can connect with, heart, mind and soul. So I am often searching and writing off "potential suitors". I am just not somebody who can put myself in the arms of another boy/ man unless I know he's the one that I love and am sure of his love for me.
Sexual Harassment
So all these years from teenage to almost late twenties, I never allow myself to fall easily for someone or anyone. It also doesn't help that as a young girl i was molested on several occasions, the first was in the lift by a "mentally unsound" Malay neighbour in his late teens. I mean he horrified me, in primary school uniform when he suddenly grab me from behind and bear hug me. That stolen peck with all the stubble despite all my struggles, I was so defenceless and angry and cried all the way home. I only managed to wriggle myself free by elbowing him. My mother was not at all a comfort when she kept asking what else did he do??? Tell me did he touch you there????
Then there was those crowded school bus type where idiots press their bodies against you and you felt a warm sensation in the form of the male appendage (my school skirt was of very thick material) and then before you can scream molest that bad guy sensing "danger" alighted in a flash and you resolved to scream faster and louder the next time!!! Then I was flashed at by some indian construction worker at Aljunied MRT in broad daylight. That stupid idiot just lifted his sarong after shouting for my attention. I was on the way to university. It was so offensive!!!!
The worse happened in my auditor days, first job upon graduation. It was late, almost midnight and I was rushing work with my senior Leo *(not his real name). Leo was an Australian grad and he was not that good looking but he exuded quite a lot of charm on most female colleagues but not me. He's simply not to my taste. I hate the nature of auditing. It was boring and laborious and so technical with all the calculating. I must have "doze off" a bit when suddenly I felt his arm around my shoulders. "Lets take a break. lets have some fun" Leo remarked. I was still in daze , tired from over working and wanting to go home, get out of the uncomfortable work clothes, have a nice shower and sleep.
I did not reply, thinking he was just being "friendly". Then the unexpected happened. He tried to kiss me. I was shocked to the bone. I tried to push him away. He being bigger and stronger tried harder to "kiss" me. God I was angry and frightened at the same time, I struggled physically, panting and tearing at the same time. "Go away.." "No" "Let me go" I screamed but there was no one in the empty office and we were in the conference room with the huge table full of files and audit worksheets. He tried to grope me and said something like" you will like it, I can make you like it...." Even now as I recall the scene, I shudder to realise I could be raped if I had not elbowed him hard enough and almost slap him in the face. I remembered crying out to Jesus " Help" and then I sprinted out of the office and into a cab home, crying. The next day, I had to endure Leo's sarcastic looks and comments as I still had to work under him and when I requested for a transfer with the management I was given a bad report by Leo. He said I was "incompetent in my work". I wanted much to tell the truth but really at 22 I had no courage then and feared much what others will think of me. How my parents will react to this episode of sexual harassment. Did they not beseech me not to wear so sexy? (mainly, tube tops and spaghetti tops). I deserved it. For giving Leo the wrong signals???? Anyway, I resolved to be more "conservatively" dressed from then on. That horrible episode made me make up my mind to leave the job prematurely by breaking the bond. I just want to run away from it all, i never want to see him ever!!! He could jolly well be hit by a car...i don't care.
So I sort of understood how Tess of the d'urbervilles would have felt when trusting her "kinsman" Alec, she was taken advantage of by her "cousin" Alec who raped her. How can one ever love the person who violates you even in the name of love!!!!! What a horrible thing to do!
To Rachel, I hope that like me she will wait for her true love before she becomes sexually involved in a relationship, ideally in a marriage. But Rachel may not be like me, if ever she had pre-marital sex or even becomes pregnant as a result, i know I will be there to comfort and support her. I do not believe in imposing rules, but I think it is important to let her know how much we love her and pray for her concerning the man of her life, her marriage partner. Our future son-in-law.
For to me, there is nothing so special and romantic like that act of marriage. As man and wife, there was no fumbling, no ball of nerves, only relaxed, enjoyable love making with the love of your life.-even for the first time.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Dr Zhivago
Been reading Dr Zhivago by Boris Pasternak. Afterall I've been so overwhelmed by the miniseries staring Hans Matheson as the doctor/poet with a strong passion for life, and the women he loved. I thought I ought to check out the book and be inspired as well.
Now, I've not been reading fiction for a long time. More than a decade even. I believed it was my first church that extol us to read more self help and self improvement books on top of the bible. Since then, I've sort of cast my literary side aside preferring ideas, paradigms and boring charts from Anthony Robbins, Tony Buzan, Robert Kiyosaki and so on even Alan Greenspan to understand thinking, logic and building wealth and the stock market of course. These are considered essentials for my career maintenance and advancement however dry and boring they are.
Finally, I've the time to rest and relax now that Rachel is so independent be it completing puzzles, playing games and even reading and completing activities on her own, I can afford to read what I like not what I need to know. I reminisced the time when I was into Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy and of course Shakespeare and realised that I love literature and theatre and drama and of course opera.
So here's a glimpse of Dr Zhivago when he was kidnapped by the "forest brotherhood" for his medical skills and caught between the fighting between the Whites and the Reds in the midst of the Russian Revolution. On page 367, after witnessing a weird woman trying to apply sorcery to heal a cow whose milk was not forthcoming due to udder infection, he suddenly thought about his Lara.
"How he loved her! How beautiful she was! In exactly the way he had always thought and dreamed and wanted! Yet what was it that made her so lovely? Was it something that could be named and analyzed? No, a thousand times no! She was lovely by virtue of the matchlessly simple and swift line that the Creator had, at a single stroke, drawn all around her, and in this divine form she had been handed over, like a child tightly wrapped in a sheet after its bath, into the keeping of his soul."
And once again, when he attempted to escape from the forest camp, from the war atrocities and miseries,
"The footpath brought the doctor to the foot of the rowan tree, whose name he had just spoken. It was half in snow, half in frozen leaves and berries, and it held out two white branches toward him. He remembered Lara's strong white arms and seized the branches and pulled them to him. As if in answer, the tree shook snow all over him. He muttered without realizing what he was saying, and completely beside himself: " I'll find you, my beauty, my love, my rowan tree, my own flesh and blood."
I don't know about you but such words touched my heart and such imagery stays in my mind for a long time.
Now, I've not been reading fiction for a long time. More than a decade even. I believed it was my first church that extol us to read more self help and self improvement books on top of the bible. Since then, I've sort of cast my literary side aside preferring ideas, paradigms and boring charts from Anthony Robbins, Tony Buzan, Robert Kiyosaki and so on even Alan Greenspan to understand thinking, logic and building wealth and the stock market of course. These are considered essentials for my career maintenance and advancement however dry and boring they are.
Finally, I've the time to rest and relax now that Rachel is so independent be it completing puzzles, playing games and even reading and completing activities on her own, I can afford to read what I like not what I need to know. I reminisced the time when I was into Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy and of course Shakespeare and realised that I love literature and theatre and drama and of course opera.
So here's a glimpse of Dr Zhivago when he was kidnapped by the "forest brotherhood" for his medical skills and caught between the fighting between the Whites and the Reds in the midst of the Russian Revolution. On page 367, after witnessing a weird woman trying to apply sorcery to heal a cow whose milk was not forthcoming due to udder infection, he suddenly thought about his Lara.
"How he loved her! How beautiful she was! In exactly the way he had always thought and dreamed and wanted! Yet what was it that made her so lovely? Was it something that could be named and analyzed? No, a thousand times no! She was lovely by virtue of the matchlessly simple and swift line that the Creator had, at a single stroke, drawn all around her, and in this divine form she had been handed over, like a child tightly wrapped in a sheet after its bath, into the keeping of his soul."
And once again, when he attempted to escape from the forest camp, from the war atrocities and miseries,
"The footpath brought the doctor to the foot of the rowan tree, whose name he had just spoken. It was half in snow, half in frozen leaves and berries, and it held out two white branches toward him. He remembered Lara's strong white arms and seized the branches and pulled them to him. As if in answer, the tree shook snow all over him. He muttered without realizing what he was saying, and completely beside himself: " I'll find you, my beauty, my love, my rowan tree, my own flesh and blood."
I don't know about you but such words touched my heart and such imagery stays in my mind for a long time.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Being Asian and......learning to accept it.
Met a good friend for lunch and coffee today. Well, its funny how Melina and I were discussing about man and the importance of them being at least above average looking. I had asked her, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would she rate her current potential and she shocked me with a 5. I mean, here's a girl that I have the privilege to be a good friend of for almost a decade and she is definitely someone with high standards. 5 is way too low for her.
The guy in question is well to do businessman with a heart for God and ministry to the poor and underpriviledged. Although he is not blest in the looks department, he is according to Melina blest with a good sense of fashion, namely Prada type. So without the good dress sense he probably is a "forgettable" face in the ocean of the local population.
For me, Yan is definitely a 8 and only the dashing Hans Matheson can take the place of 10. Jesus is Lord but the Bible says he is ordinary looking. Hans is so perfect in looks, those soulful blue eyes and dark brows, dark hair and very fair skin. He's also very musically talented, the very two qualities that I am deeply attracted to in man. And thankfully he is straight and desired much to settle down and have his own brood of kids one day according to the interviews that I had read. Looks are indeed very important to me, I just cannot marry a Shrek.
Then it occured to me that I do not actually embrace my own looks. I am far from what I think I am. I looked very asian, chinese and almost mongolian according to Melina since I have single eye-lids almond-shaped eyes and my hair and eyes are so dark, its almost ebony black. My skin tans easily sans the sun block and I have been really fair only when I was in the temperate regions.
I particularly hated it when people assumed that I am from China and speaks to me in Mandarin. May be as a result of all this, I subconsciously am adverse to the chinese language and culture. But of course, as a good child, I had to obey my parents and please them with the routines in customary marriage and so on. But seriously, I had dreamed of being with the man I love, on a remote island, exchanging our own vows sans the church and parents and relatives and returning a changed mature woman, a wife. Such is the state of my wedding fantasies that cannot and should not be carried out for fear of hurting those I love and feel highly responsible to. I guess if Rachel will to do the same, I will recover very fast from the initial shock to join her in her new found joy.
So this is me. Absolutely, definitely a chinese Singaporean yet I feel like an European girl inside of me sometimes trying to learn everything chinese- related. It seems that I was born in the wrong part of the world even, loving more bread, potatoes, pasta as staples rather than rice. And being deeply fond of french language and even loving how german, italian and spanish sounds. I am so in love with the arts and music and even architecture of europe and most of all the seasons, though I have never experienced winter before. I really want to live in Europe one day but as long as my father is around, it will remain a dream. He will not approve of it.
Marrying Yan is as good as marrying an Englishman since he hardly speaks any Mandarin except to his mum in Malaysia. Yan is highly flexible when it comes to food and will enjoy the seafood udon that I've loving and professionally prepared for him tonight. To him, I am an exotic Chinese beauty. Perhaps, that is why God made me for him according to his taste and it was never a divine joke. Well, I love Yan's physique. He is exactly how Hans Matheson would be like in stature and he plays the piano and sings much better than Hans. God is amazing.
The guy in question is well to do businessman with a heart for God and ministry to the poor and underpriviledged. Although he is not blest in the looks department, he is according to Melina blest with a good sense of fashion, namely Prada type. So without the good dress sense he probably is a "forgettable" face in the ocean of the local population.
For me, Yan is definitely a 8 and only the dashing Hans Matheson can take the place of 10. Jesus is Lord but the Bible says he is ordinary looking. Hans is so perfect in looks, those soulful blue eyes and dark brows, dark hair and very fair skin. He's also very musically talented, the very two qualities that I am deeply attracted to in man. And thankfully he is straight and desired much to settle down and have his own brood of kids one day according to the interviews that I had read. Looks are indeed very important to me, I just cannot marry a Shrek.
Then it occured to me that I do not actually embrace my own looks. I am far from what I think I am. I looked very asian, chinese and almost mongolian according to Melina since I have single eye-lids almond-shaped eyes and my hair and eyes are so dark, its almost ebony black. My skin tans easily sans the sun block and I have been really fair only when I was in the temperate regions.
I particularly hated it when people assumed that I am from China and speaks to me in Mandarin. May be as a result of all this, I subconsciously am adverse to the chinese language and culture. But of course, as a good child, I had to obey my parents and please them with the routines in customary marriage and so on. But seriously, I had dreamed of being with the man I love, on a remote island, exchanging our own vows sans the church and parents and relatives and returning a changed mature woman, a wife. Such is the state of my wedding fantasies that cannot and should not be carried out for fear of hurting those I love and feel highly responsible to. I guess if Rachel will to do the same, I will recover very fast from the initial shock to join her in her new found joy.
So this is me. Absolutely, definitely a chinese Singaporean yet I feel like an European girl inside of me sometimes trying to learn everything chinese- related. It seems that I was born in the wrong part of the world even, loving more bread, potatoes, pasta as staples rather than rice. And being deeply fond of french language and even loving how german, italian and spanish sounds. I am so in love with the arts and music and even architecture of europe and most of all the seasons, though I have never experienced winter before. I really want to live in Europe one day but as long as my father is around, it will remain a dream. He will not approve of it.
Marrying Yan is as good as marrying an Englishman since he hardly speaks any Mandarin except to his mum in Malaysia. Yan is highly flexible when it comes to food and will enjoy the seafood udon that I've loving and professionally prepared for him tonight. To him, I am an exotic Chinese beauty. Perhaps, that is why God made me for him according to his taste and it was never a divine joke. Well, I love Yan's physique. He is exactly how Hans Matheson would be like in stature and he plays the piano and sings much better than Hans. God is amazing.
Monday, 11 May 2009
Dream on -Hans Matheson
Just want to say how much of a fan I have become of Hans Matheson. In a short span of a few weeks, I've bought and watched, Les Miserables, Half Light (2006 production with Demi Moore), Canone Inverso: Making Love and my all time favourite BBC TV miniseries Dr Zhivago. Yes, I've also viewed the various youtube trailers, clips of The Virgin Queen 2005, Nero and Tess of d'urbervilles where he is Alec the baddie.
Hans Matheson is not only another handsome and pretty face. I am very attracted to his musical soul. Apart from playing guitar, writing songs, especially lyrics for his musican dad, he also plays the violin he picked up for the role of Jeno Vargo in Canone Inverso and continues to play to this day. He also sings and plays harmonica and the piano. His co star in Dr Zhivago the young and beautiful Kiera Knightly referred to him as a "true poetic soul" in the interviews and Hans did read Boris Pasternak's novel and poems as well. Indeed, he did an excellent portrayal of the inner struggles that Dr Zhivago had -torn between the loves for two women.
Hans is unbelievable! So perfect in form, in body and I simply love his speaking voice, so sentimental and soothing to the ear. Another thing about him, he's small built. About 1.72-1.75m at most and very fair- coming from the outer hebridgs in Scotland but having grown and lived in England, kent.Wow, a part of me wants to get to know this wonderful person but of course, I'm dreaming, almost lusting after him. hahaha
Living in Southeast asia, the hot and humid Singapore, I'm like miles and miles away in a different time zone from this terrific british actor who is the same age as Yan. (same size too!!) It takes a miracle to cross his path and that of my music idol David Garrett too. Well, the whole world is so globalised now, nothing is impossible if meant to be, I am content to watch his films and movies and prays that all his BBC miniseries will be available locally soon. I want to watch The Virgin Queen 2005. Dr Zhivago 2002 Nero 2004 Tess of the D'urbervilles 2008 and so on.
Here's wishing him greater success, health and love. He's not into mobile phones, Tv or internet and is indeed blest to have an understanding agent Lou Coulson. I hope Hans will meet his soul mate one day, someone who loves him for who he is, actor, poet, musican and all. He's afterall only 33 and will always have a special place in my heart - such a perfect dream guy. hee
Hans Matheson is not only another handsome and pretty face. I am very attracted to his musical soul. Apart from playing guitar, writing songs, especially lyrics for his musican dad, he also plays the violin he picked up for the role of Jeno Vargo in Canone Inverso and continues to play to this day. He also sings and plays harmonica and the piano. His co star in Dr Zhivago the young and beautiful Kiera Knightly referred to him as a "true poetic soul" in the interviews and Hans did read Boris Pasternak's novel and poems as well. Indeed, he did an excellent portrayal of the inner struggles that Dr Zhivago had -torn between the loves for two women.
Hans is unbelievable! So perfect in form, in body and I simply love his speaking voice, so sentimental and soothing to the ear. Another thing about him, he's small built. About 1.72-1.75m at most and very fair- coming from the outer hebridgs in Scotland but having grown and lived in England, kent.Wow, a part of me wants to get to know this wonderful person but of course, I'm dreaming, almost lusting after him. hahaha
Living in Southeast asia, the hot and humid Singapore, I'm like miles and miles away in a different time zone from this terrific british actor who is the same age as Yan. (same size too!!) It takes a miracle to cross his path and that of my music idol David Garrett too. Well, the whole world is so globalised now, nothing is impossible if meant to be, I am content to watch his films and movies and prays that all his BBC miniseries will be available locally soon. I want to watch The Virgin Queen 2005. Dr Zhivago 2002 Nero 2004 Tess of the D'urbervilles 2008 and so on.
Here's wishing him greater success, health and love. He's not into mobile phones, Tv or internet and is indeed blest to have an understanding agent Lou Coulson. I hope Hans will meet his soul mate one day, someone who loves him for who he is, actor, poet, musican and all. He's afterall only 33 and will always have a special place in my heart - such a perfect dream guy. hee
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Review: Half Light
Was out with rachel today and included in our video shopping spree was a chinese version of "Half Light" starring Hans Matheson with Demi Moore 2006. Of course I had to buy it! Though I would very much prefer a non chinese version.
The movie was really spooky. Thank God Yan watched with me, holding my hand tightly even,(giggles) beside a sleeping rachel on the sofa. In it, Demi's character lost her only child, a young boy due to accidental drowning and its ghost came to warn the mum of coming dangers. One of the danger was the seduction of Angus (Hans Matheson) looking forever so handsome and sentimental, a lone lighthouse keeper on a beautiful island. The scenery was so breathtaking with the waters breaking against the rocks near the historic lighthouse. Once again the music composed was so romantically appropriate. How could any woman not fall for him, such a handsome and caring and friendly character. The twist was he was actually Patrick (Hans Matheson) hired to destroy her by her best friend in cahoots with her ex-husband for her $4 million insurance cover.
Angus was no ghost afterall. Being fully human, he unfortunately fell for Rachel Carlson (demi moore) while pretending to fall for her. He decided he had to help her instead! In the end, Patrick was possessed by the ghost of another Angus who had actually died several years back after he caught his wife and her lover together and murdered them in cold brutal fashion. So while possessed and while Rachel still thought of him as a ghost, Patrick killed both Sharon, the best friend and her ex-husband Brian in exactly the same sphine chilling manner. He managed to hand over the symbolic mother of pearl shell as a "token of love" to the terrified Rachel before he plunged to his death from the top of the lighthouse in exactly the way that the original Angus had died. The final moments on screen were particularly endearing without dialogue yet beautifully communicated by Hans with his sincere soulful eyes. Ouch!
Sigh...wish I am Demi Moore. haha She get to act "to flirt" and enjoy wonderful moments with him. Of course they were just acting and its a job. I thought the horse riding scene was particularly romantic. Imagine yourself holding on to the man you love with the horse galloping ahead and the wind blowing in the hair. Ironically, it was tough for the manly actor who had to ride sans the saddle and while looking happy he was actually in pain. Pain that a woman cannot understand. I rode horses before a few times and even with the saddle, the riding boots and so on, its not exactly a comfortable ride. Shortly after riding one experiences such lower backache and both the thigh and calf muscles hurt. It was as if one had been squating but not seating over the toilet bowl for a long time. Any way, seeing Hans on horses in most of his roles, gave me to urge to want to horse ride again, though it is pretty dangerous to have my rachel ride with me on the same muscular and beautiful creature that i love, more than dogs actually.
The movie was really spooky. Thank God Yan watched with me, holding my hand tightly even,(giggles) beside a sleeping rachel on the sofa. In it, Demi's character lost her only child, a young boy due to accidental drowning and its ghost came to warn the mum of coming dangers. One of the danger was the seduction of Angus (Hans Matheson) looking forever so handsome and sentimental, a lone lighthouse keeper on a beautiful island. The scenery was so breathtaking with the waters breaking against the rocks near the historic lighthouse. Once again the music composed was so romantically appropriate. How could any woman not fall for him, such a handsome and caring and friendly character. The twist was he was actually Patrick (Hans Matheson) hired to destroy her by her best friend in cahoots with her ex-husband for her $4 million insurance cover.
Angus was no ghost afterall. Being fully human, he unfortunately fell for Rachel Carlson (demi moore) while pretending to fall for her. He decided he had to help her instead! In the end, Patrick was possessed by the ghost of another Angus who had actually died several years back after he caught his wife and her lover together and murdered them in cold brutal fashion. So while possessed and while Rachel still thought of him as a ghost, Patrick killed both Sharon, the best friend and her ex-husband Brian in exactly the same sphine chilling manner. He managed to hand over the symbolic mother of pearl shell as a "token of love" to the terrified Rachel before he plunged to his death from the top of the lighthouse in exactly the way that the original Angus had died. The final moments on screen were particularly endearing without dialogue yet beautifully communicated by Hans with his sincere soulful eyes. Ouch!
Sigh...wish I am Demi Moore. haha She get to act "to flirt" and enjoy wonderful moments with him. Of course they were just acting and its a job. I thought the horse riding scene was particularly romantic. Imagine yourself holding on to the man you love with the horse galloping ahead and the wind blowing in the hair. Ironically, it was tough for the manly actor who had to ride sans the saddle and while looking happy he was actually in pain. Pain that a woman cannot understand. I rode horses before a few times and even with the saddle, the riding boots and so on, its not exactly a comfortable ride. Shortly after riding one experiences such lower backache and both the thigh and calf muscles hurt. It was as if one had been squating but not seating over the toilet bowl for a long time. Any way, seeing Hans on horses in most of his roles, gave me to urge to want to horse ride again, though it is pretty dangerous to have my rachel ride with me on the same muscular and beautiful creature that i love, more than dogs actually.
Monday, 4 May 2009
Hans Fever.
Sigh...I think i am having Hans matheson fever. Ever since he captured my heart as Marius Pontmercy in the film version of Les Miserables (1998), I've been watching and reading up on him in youtube and google etc.
Lately I watched Canone Inverso: Making Love (2000) and was wowed again by his acting. This is an Italian production about the inverse canone, a piece of music which can be played forward and backwards, a strangely shaped violin scroll head and best friends in the conservatory turned half brothers. Of course throw in a couple of love scenes and the romantic period war film with its beautiful deeply moving score made me fall in love again. Hans Matheson is so perfect for the role of Jeno. What I admire about him is he actually learnt to play the violin well for the role and continues to play it till this day. Coming from a musician family his dad is a Musician and he often performs with him. Hans played guitar (also for the role in Still Crazy) and harmonica as well.
I absolutely love his sensitive soulful eyes and his protrayal of Dr Zhivago was immaculate. I love his voice too. In Dr Zhivago he had to display a huge range of emotions and his character ages through marriage and war. I feel very sad for the impossible love that he had with Lara played by a beautiful Keira knightly. Its like they were destined to be lovers, soul mates but had to part again and again. Both were married with kids. I think Lara married Pasha to escape from the evil Komarosky (Sam Neil with his superb acting, you will hate him here), while Yuri (Hans) married Tonya, his cousin whose family adopted him, perhaps out of gratitude and the expectation of his aunt who was dying. Anyway, in this mini series totalling 4 hours in 2 episodes, the audience cannot help but feel the pain and dilemma that Yuri struggles with torn between the loves for these 2 women.
Watching Dr Zhivago left me totally melancholic though i did not shed a tear. Its the sort that tugs and pulls at your heart and soul. It got me to feel that I never felt so much passion from a man who loves me, partly I am not as beautiful as Lara or more so that Asian guys are more reserved generally. The part where Yuri said "I wish I could lead two lives. Mine and that to see you happy and healthy..." with tears welling up in his eyes at the Nurse Antiplova (Lara) is so moving. If I am Lara, I will fall for him too. Afterall, they were in the middle of the war and their spouses dead or alive? there were no news at all. Having spent so much time together working as doctor and nurse, and the fact that doctor zhivago is handsome, sentimental and truly poetic and is deeply in love with Lara. I admit I have a weakness for handsome guys. Perhaps the reason why i fell for Dr wilson in the past. Thank God yan is a good looker, a musical being with a gentle soul, probably why I fell for him as he touches me with his sincerity and friendship. Unlike my friend Melina, I am not drawn to powerful and successful men but the ones that can express themselves in thoughts and feelings- the musically and artistically inclined ones.
I felt for Tonya's lost as well. She lost her husband, her best friend and "brother". The times in the Ural mountains where they lived simply to escape the communist were her happiest, she thought before she knew about his double life. Ironically it was Lara the ad hoc mid wife who helped deliver her second child, a girl that Yuri never see in the movie. It gave me shudders thinking what would happen if something like this were to happen to me. What should I do? What will I do? Such things never cross my mind before. Sigh. Its likely that like Tonya I want my husband to be happy even if it means to let go and let God console me. Tonya said in the movie she'll have him back only if he is no longer in love with Lara. How wise! I thought, And compassionate and forgiving too.
I encouraged Yan to watch Dr Zhivago with me but alas, he was too tired and slept much throughout the movie. He thinks I am obsessed with Hans Matheson and to him he is just a ordinary actor and the movies are meant for smitten fans. Is he jealous? perhaps. The movie does remind me not to take things and people you love for granted. And especially so in light of the recent H1N1 flu epidemic that the world is currently facing.
Whatever it is, the Hans matheson fever is doing me more good than bad I believe. I am reviving my literary side. In fact I was over the moon when I found the novel in Borders parkway parade. I reminisced the time when I was younger and voraciously reading literature "Shakespeare, charles dickens, jane austen and leo tolstroy etc. In college, I had to give up literature for the sake of my ailing accounting subjects being in the commerce stream of Victoria Junior College.
Hans Matheson touches my heart with his great acting and protrayal of characters. He also inspires me where music and literature is concerned. I certainly hope to meet him one day.Ha If meant to be we can be friends. only friends that's it. Afterall, i am no Lara. Hahaha...I do sound like I am obsessed with him already. hahaha
Lately I watched Canone Inverso: Making Love (2000) and was wowed again by his acting. This is an Italian production about the inverse canone, a piece of music which can be played forward and backwards, a strangely shaped violin scroll head and best friends in the conservatory turned half brothers. Of course throw in a couple of love scenes and the romantic period war film with its beautiful deeply moving score made me fall in love again. Hans Matheson is so perfect for the role of Jeno. What I admire about him is he actually learnt to play the violin well for the role and continues to play it till this day. Coming from a musician family his dad is a Musician and he often performs with him. Hans played guitar (also for the role in Still Crazy) and harmonica as well.
I absolutely love his sensitive soulful eyes and his protrayal of Dr Zhivago was immaculate. I love his voice too. In Dr Zhivago he had to display a huge range of emotions and his character ages through marriage and war. I feel very sad for the impossible love that he had with Lara played by a beautiful Keira knightly. Its like they were destined to be lovers, soul mates but had to part again and again. Both were married with kids. I think Lara married Pasha to escape from the evil Komarosky (Sam Neil with his superb acting, you will hate him here), while Yuri (Hans) married Tonya, his cousin whose family adopted him, perhaps out of gratitude and the expectation of his aunt who was dying. Anyway, in this mini series totalling 4 hours in 2 episodes, the audience cannot help but feel the pain and dilemma that Yuri struggles with torn between the loves for these 2 women.
Watching Dr Zhivago left me totally melancholic though i did not shed a tear. Its the sort that tugs and pulls at your heart and soul. It got me to feel that I never felt so much passion from a man who loves me, partly I am not as beautiful as Lara or more so that Asian guys are more reserved generally. The part where Yuri said "I wish I could lead two lives. Mine and that to see you happy and healthy..." with tears welling up in his eyes at the Nurse Antiplova (Lara) is so moving. If I am Lara, I will fall for him too. Afterall, they were in the middle of the war and their spouses dead or alive? there were no news at all. Having spent so much time together working as doctor and nurse, and the fact that doctor zhivago is handsome, sentimental and truly poetic and is deeply in love with Lara. I admit I have a weakness for handsome guys. Perhaps the reason why i fell for Dr wilson in the past. Thank God yan is a good looker, a musical being with a gentle soul, probably why I fell for him as he touches me with his sincerity and friendship. Unlike my friend Melina, I am not drawn to powerful and successful men but the ones that can express themselves in thoughts and feelings- the musically and artistically inclined ones.
I felt for Tonya's lost as well. She lost her husband, her best friend and "brother". The times in the Ural mountains where they lived simply to escape the communist were her happiest, she thought before she knew about his double life. Ironically it was Lara the ad hoc mid wife who helped deliver her second child, a girl that Yuri never see in the movie. It gave me shudders thinking what would happen if something like this were to happen to me. What should I do? What will I do? Such things never cross my mind before. Sigh. Its likely that like Tonya I want my husband to be happy even if it means to let go and let God console me. Tonya said in the movie she'll have him back only if he is no longer in love with Lara. How wise! I thought, And compassionate and forgiving too.
I encouraged Yan to watch Dr Zhivago with me but alas, he was too tired and slept much throughout the movie. He thinks I am obsessed with Hans Matheson and to him he is just a ordinary actor and the movies are meant for smitten fans. Is he jealous? perhaps. The movie does remind me not to take things and people you love for granted. And especially so in light of the recent H1N1 flu epidemic that the world is currently facing.
Whatever it is, the Hans matheson fever is doing me more good than bad I believe. I am reviving my literary side. In fact I was over the moon when I found the novel in Borders parkway parade. I reminisced the time when I was younger and voraciously reading literature "Shakespeare, charles dickens, jane austen and leo tolstroy etc. In college, I had to give up literature for the sake of my ailing accounting subjects being in the commerce stream of Victoria Junior College.
Hans Matheson touches my heart with his great acting and protrayal of characters. He also inspires me where music and literature is concerned. I certainly hope to meet him one day.Ha If meant to be we can be friends. only friends that's it. Afterall, i am no Lara. Hahaha...I do sound like I am obsessed with him already. hahaha
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