Case closed finally!

In Feb 02, when i was depressed and frustrated about the "marriage partner issue". I went to pray first alone then with a friend at the Penang park opposite the Istana and Plaza Singapura. After much intercession in tongues I picked a pebble dettol-cleaned it at home (then Sengkang) wrote the date 24.Feb.02 with correction fluid and literally "dumped the issue at the feet of Jesus"

After waiting for so..so..so very long, almost 3.5 years had past since I first accepted and believed God concerning Wilson. Yes, I dare to mention him now. The story goes that after much frustration dating the "wrong" guys, I asked God to "show me who I should marry". This is done in line with the Derek Prince book that I was reading at that time. On that fateful day, after much intercession coupled with fasting, with fear and trembling I asked the Lord that. A part of me was fearful that he would show me a Shrek!!!! I just do not know how to accept any man that is fat or ugly. That night while I slept alone in Bishan, my friend's pre-renovated apartment as she and hubby were outstationed in US, I had a dream. (1999)

In my dream, i was waiting in what turn out to be the backstage of FCBC and the stairs, boy, they led all the way up to heaven. I was dumbfounded in awe of the glory and I took a step up, when i got to the second I turned around and lo, and behold a guy in army haircut and medium physique and he joined me holding my right hand. In the very bright stairs all i could see was his jawline and thick dark bushy eyebrow. He is about 1.65-1.7m, not tall.

Then i met Wilson in church. In the worship ministry and to cut a long story short, I was happy and I liked him a lot. Many girls some almost twice his age were crazy for him too. He actually turned out to be a friend of Teck a mutual VJC school friend who had a harelip (that i felt sorry for) and in the school band. Wilson played the flute well according to my then male buddy 2 (buddy 1 was Winston whose mum was a abortionist nurse- GASP). And Teck played the French horn that irritates me much when he practices.

Well, my church leaders confirmed too the "dream guy" and we served often side by side for almost 2 years. One night I dreamt he was to be enlisted and God told me to wait for him. The next day i told him about the enlisting part while we were on duty and he confirmed that he being in medical school had his NS deferred and even asked me to pray for him. "I old already..cannot run liao." Its a miracle I did not faint there and then.

Our friendship continued though it was nothing that special. Whatever fond memories I had were "confirmed" by the various exchanges that took place between me and my Lord. When I doubted much or felt weary waiting for him to take another step, God would always encourage me to go on, to believe him etc. I can never relate all the various incidents that happened that God caused to happen and help me believe still that i was on the right track. Afterall, it was much easier to give up then pray and wait for so long.

Once I was shopping with a friend and she suddenly decided to eat ice-cream at Holland V.I found myself missing him as he had been in army already and suddenly, while chatting with Cailing, I saw him walked past our table unmistakenly in officer uniform. Cailing thought i was mad and seeing things. To prove her wrong I dashed out of NYDC just to call him to my attention. He looked shocked too and the short chat left my heart racing and his army buddies wondering.

The next week while shopping with the same friend, he surprised us by contributing to our chatter from behind us. He was shopping??? with his army buddies at Ngee ann city. Many such incidents continued on for years.........but throughout it all, I just maintained normal relations with him not wanting to jeopardise anything or risk sounding mad.

The waiting sort of fine tunes me to be a wife and home-maker. I became a stronger believer and a more patient one. Wilson was in and soon out of the army. In between he went to Taiwan for training and shared that "Taiwan girls are so beautiful". A remark that brought out the feelings of inadeqacy in me. Afterall, my late mum had often make me understand that "I am not beautiful enough, or compared to my sister."

Well, nothing much happened. I still see him in church weekly and during practices but really I can't wait to move on or even move away. I felt trapped. Each time I felt like enough already, God would remind me to wait on. I do not know exactly what am i waiting for. It was frustrating.

Eventually what made me draw the line was his star search appearance. I told God I really cannot and do not want to be in the lime light. I can marry a prominent businessman or even a musician but actor, hell NO. Long hours weird hours filming aside there are gossips and rumours with female actresses and i know i need someone around to help me form a family and nurture kids. My father is largely busy working when we were young and i really want my children to grow up in their father's presence. A dad that fathers his children not just a father.

So.. when i wanted to "give up" this huge potential that I had grew to like much, God on the other hand wanted me to "crucify my desires" and WAIT ON. That was so frustrating. Still being raised in a traditional church and being in FCBC, I learnt early on that one must "OBEY GOD" and be submissive to his will, even if it meants torture like in my case. I hung on for as long as I could and continued to "trust God works all things for good". Sometimes I prayed that God will let go of me to let go of that person but still Wilson remains largely unaware of the struggle I had been in for years. I became more melancholic a person.

Finally in 2001 during a regular sunday service, I decided to face the reality. After much prayer and a hundred percent willingness to accept whatever it is, I gave Wilson a short note, one line stating that I had been waiting for him. I felt like shit afterwards though it was important to come to the point where I could move on or move away. Afterall, so much time and feelings had been invested in this single one person that in reality "he's not so much into you" I wanted to dig a hole and hide but God had to cross our paths twice again that day to prolong whatever "awkwardness and embarassment."

Then there was dead silence. 2 weeks past. It was almost a month or so, after i had "given up hope" that he replied in an email. I never experienced the pain on such a scale. Questions loomed. I could not stop crying at my work desk and in the ladies with much pain in my heart. Lucky the whole office of ang mos were out for meeting leaving me the super graduate temp and a old tea lady alone. I printed the email and read and read and cried and cried and became rather depressed. Wilson said he was too busy to reply!!! He sounded very cold and logical and even asked me not to avoid him. It wasn't that I was waiting for a favourable reply but more so the non-reply and the subsequent mode chosen that tore my dear heart into pieces. He was as I used to feel " cold and heartless at times especially when he talked about his houseman stuff, dealing with difficult patients and their relatives."

So many years had past. I thank GOD i never did ran into him except for the taka escalator incident that scalded me when he suddenly called me from the opposite direction escalator and I was holding a cup of freshly brewed coffee bean. Still in my heart, I told yan and melina, I wish he would apologise or something like that. I just felt there was unfinished business.

On the one hand I would like to see him, how do he look like now?? is he like me happily married??any kids? I was often provided clues by well meaning friends, church leaders where he is working and so on, what he is planning or even appearing on TV??? but really i had been so painfully scarred for life that I fear an undignified emotional meltdown in public. Still I sometimes wonder why i had brought this stupidity upon myself. Was I trying to be in God's will or was it just lust in the flesh and eyes too since I considered him good-looking and fit exactly the description in my dreams which can date since I was first baptised in 1990.

Thankfully God revealed through a close godly friend melina that it was "mission aborted". Whatever or whoever aborted it well, isn't it good that God had already prepared a better alternative for me, Yan who was stronger and better than Wilson in all aspects, education, music, affection and kindness and patience???? Plus a huge bonus, a beautiful rachel.

Exactly 7 years later since that pebble incident when i asked God to deliver me from this saga, I dreamt that while waiting for my sister, yan and rachel, Wilson suddenly showed up when i was dining along the river Esplanade outdoors. He passed me a USB? and recited a poem:

"With this gift and a hug
please accept a courtship that will never start
and a thousand apologies
from a sincere heart"

Boy I just melt. ok the weird hug at the same time worried about the whereabouts of rachel and her dad who need to pass me the kid before his flight is due. Wilson left to return to work in some drama company and I was dashing to the airport. I was so relieved and happy to locate my beloveds. Rachel playing near her dad who was chatting with his mum on the phone.

Upon waking I shared with yan the night mare. He thought it was a good dream not a night mare. Finally this final chapter of this story (1990, 1999-2002) has come to a good close. With this dream i felt totally healed, restored and free. I no longer worry about meeting him neither do i feel that he owe me anything. It does not bother me at all even if he should read about all these happenings that I had held close to my heart and not dare to share with him then.