In Feb 02, when i was depressed and frustrated about the "marriage partner issue". I went to pray first alone then with a friend at the Penang park opposite the Istana and Plaza Singapura. After much intercession in tongues I picked a pebble dettol-cleaned it at home (then Sengkang) wrote the date 24.Feb.02 with correction fluid and literally "dumped the issue at the feet of Jesus"
After waiting for so..so..so very long, almost 3.5 years had past since I first accepted and believed God concerning Wilson. Yes, I dare to mention him now. The story goes that after much frustration dating the "wrong" guys, I asked God to "show me who I should marry". This is done in line with the Derek Prince book that I was reading at that time. On that fateful day, after much intercession coupled with fasting, with fear and trembling I asked the Lord that. A part of me was fearful that he would show me a Shrek!!!! I just do not know how to accept any man that is fat or ugly. That night while I slept alone in Bishan, my friend's pre-renovated apartment as she and hubby were outstationed in US, I had a dream. (1999)
In my dream, i was waiting in what turn out to be the backstage of FCBC and the stairs, boy, they led all the way up to heaven. I was dumbfounded in awe of the glory and I took a step up, when i got to the second I turned around and lo, and behold a guy in army haircut and medium physique and he joined me holding my right hand. In the very bright stairs all i could see was his jawline and thick dark bushy eyebrow. He is about 1.65-1.7m, not tall.
Then i met Wilson in church. In the worship ministry and to cut a long story short, I was happy and I liked him a lot. Many girls some almost twice his age were crazy for him too. He actually turned out to be a friend of Teck a mutual VJC school friend who had a harelip (that i felt sorry for) and in the school band. Wilson played the flute well according to my then male buddy 2 (buddy 1 was Winston whose mum was a abortionist nurse- GASP). And Teck played the French horn that irritates me much when he practices.
Well, my church leaders confirmed too the "dream guy" and we served often side by side for almost 2 years. One night I dreamt he was to be enlisted and God told me to wait for him. The next day i told him about the enlisting part while we were on duty and he confirmed that he being in medical school had his NS deferred and even asked me to pray for him. "I old already..cannot run liao." Its a miracle I did not faint there and then.
Our friendship continued though it was nothing that special. Whatever fond memories I had were "confirmed" by the various exchanges that took place between me and my Lord. When I doubted much or felt weary waiting for him to take another step, God would always encourage me to go on, to believe him etc. I can never relate all the various incidents that happened that God caused to happen and help me believe still that i was on the right track. Afterall, it was much easier to give up then pray and wait for so long.
Once I was shopping with a friend and she suddenly decided to eat ice-cream at Holland V.I found myself missing him as he had been in army already and suddenly, while chatting with Cailing, I saw him walked past our table unmistakenly in officer uniform. Cailing thought i was mad and seeing things. To prove her wrong I dashed out of NYDC just to call him to my attention. He looked shocked too and the short chat left my heart racing and his army buddies wondering.
The next week while shopping with the same friend, he surprised us by contributing to our chatter from behind us. He was shopping??? with his army buddies at Ngee ann city. Many such incidents continued on for years.........but throughout it all, I just maintained normal relations with him not wanting to jeopardise anything or risk sounding mad.
The waiting sort of fine tunes me to be a wife and home-maker. I became a stronger believer and a more patient one. Wilson was in and soon out of the army. In between he went to Taiwan for training and shared that "Taiwan girls are so beautiful". A remark that brought out the feelings of inadeqacy in me. Afterall, my late mum had often make me understand that "I am not beautiful enough, or compared to my sister."
Well, nothing much happened. I still see him in church weekly and during practices but really I can't wait to move on or even move away. I felt trapped. Each time I felt like enough already, God would remind me to wait on. I do not know exactly what am i waiting for. It was frustrating.
Eventually what made me draw the line was his star search appearance. I told God I really cannot and do not want to be in the lime light. I can marry a prominent businessman or even a musician but actor, hell NO. Long hours weird hours filming aside there are gossips and rumours with female actresses and i know i need someone around to help me form a family and nurture kids. My father is largely busy working when we were young and i really want my children to grow up in their father's presence. A dad that fathers his children not just a father.
So.. when i wanted to "give up" this huge potential that I had grew to like much, God on the other hand wanted me to "crucify my desires" and WAIT ON. That was so frustrating. Still being raised in a traditional church and being in FCBC, I learnt early on that one must "OBEY GOD" and be submissive to his will, even if it meants torture like in my case. I hung on for as long as I could and continued to "trust God works all things for good". Sometimes I prayed that God will let go of me to let go of that person but still Wilson remains largely unaware of the struggle I had been in for years. I became more melancholic a person.
Finally in 2001 during a regular sunday service, I decided to face the reality. After much prayer and a hundred percent willingness to accept whatever it is, I gave Wilson a short note, one line stating that I had been waiting for him. I felt like shit afterwards though it was important to come to the point where I could move on or move away. Afterall, so much time and feelings had been invested in this single one person that in reality "he's not so much into you" I wanted to dig a hole and hide but God had to cross our paths twice again that day to prolong whatever "awkwardness and embarassment."
Then there was dead silence. 2 weeks past. It was almost a month or so, after i had "given up hope" that he replied in an email. I never experienced the pain on such a scale. Questions loomed. I could not stop crying at my work desk and in the ladies with much pain in my heart. Lucky the whole office of ang mos were out for meeting leaving me the super graduate temp and a old tea lady alone. I printed the email and read and read and cried and cried and became rather depressed. Wilson said he was too busy to reply!!! He sounded very cold and logical and even asked me not to avoid him. It wasn't that I was waiting for a favourable reply but more so the non-reply and the subsequent mode chosen that tore my dear heart into pieces. He was as I used to feel " cold and heartless at times especially when he talked about his houseman stuff, dealing with difficult patients and their relatives."
So many years had past. I thank GOD i never did ran into him except for the taka escalator incident that scalded me when he suddenly called me from the opposite direction escalator and I was holding a cup of freshly brewed coffee bean. Still in my heart, I told yan and melina, I wish he would apologise or something like that. I just felt there was unfinished business.
On the one hand I would like to see him, how do he look like now?? is he like me happily married??any kids? I was often provided clues by well meaning friends, church leaders where he is working and so on, what he is planning or even appearing on TV??? but really i had been so painfully scarred for life that I fear an undignified emotional meltdown in public. Still I sometimes wonder why i had brought this stupidity upon myself. Was I trying to be in God's will or was it just lust in the flesh and eyes too since I considered him good-looking and fit exactly the description in my dreams which can date since I was first baptised in 1990.
Thankfully God revealed through a close godly friend melina that it was "mission aborted". Whatever or whoever aborted it well, isn't it good that God had already prepared a better alternative for me, Yan who was stronger and better than Wilson in all aspects, education, music, affection and kindness and patience???? Plus a huge bonus, a beautiful rachel.
Exactly 7 years later since that pebble incident when i asked God to deliver me from this saga, I dreamt that while waiting for my sister, yan and rachel, Wilson suddenly showed up when i was dining along the river Esplanade outdoors. He passed me a USB? and recited a poem:
"With this gift and a hug
please accept a courtship that will never start
and a thousand apologies
from a sincere heart"
Boy I just melt. ok the weird hug at the same time worried about the whereabouts of rachel and her dad who need to pass me the kid before his flight is due. Wilson left to return to work in some drama company and I was dashing to the airport. I was so relieved and happy to locate my beloveds. Rachel playing near her dad who was chatting with his mum on the phone.
Upon waking I shared with yan the night mare. He thought it was a good dream not a night mare. Finally this final chapter of this story (1990, 1999-2002) has come to a good close. With this dream i felt totally healed, restored and free. I no longer worry about meeting him neither do i feel that he owe me anything. It does not bother me at all even if he should read about all these happenings that I had held close to my heart and not dare to share with him then.
Friday, 27 February 2009
Rachel's grandmas
Been wanting to blog but really i have no time. It's a luxury these days since Yan went back to office work leaving me to manage the household and rachel full time. (plus I need to help my dad clean his household once a week on average.)
Still....some bright spots. Last Monday I managed to spend time with Eve my step sis in law as she kindly helped me manage Rachel as I helped out at Amy's violin masterclass. Only 9 students performed with one driving all the way from Kota Tinggi. Rachel was so impressed with 4 year old wei song that she asked me for lessons with Amy again. Before the concert started when this tiny cute boy saw the rehearsal of the eldest guy, he kind of panicked and applied brakes. (refused to enter the ballet hall rented for this purpose). Thankfully, he recovered and gave a good performance and the dad explained that it was the stern grandma wanting initially to be in the audience that gave the boy cold feet. What an influential grandma..........
Rachel's grandma, my mum died 03 March last year. This week I kind of relived the moments that dreadful bloody fall and the week long stay in 2 hospitals. She eventually died in Gleneagles where coincidently Fandi's wife is still warded after a fall. Before my mum died, she was still "watching" TV programmes as her organs shut down one by one. Programmes like "Lydia Sum memorial". I wanted to switch off the tv for some peace not that it was loud but she insisted on it being played. We had rehearsed the day before and also did played her favourite Teresa teng songs from a lap top till she breathed her last. Now i associate her songs with my mum's passing on though I never like teresa teng, she is so OLDIE and she sound exactly the same singing the same style even for most songs be it chinese, japanese or hokkien.
Rachel's other grandma..popo...SIGH, asked for funds again!!!! This time to fix a leaky roof and the questionable termities?? Very questionable as on my last visit she said she spent all of the $7-8000 CPF inheritance from her late hubby on exterminating termites from both her and my other sis in law's place. As usual when asked about receipts, she replied, "you don't believe me." sarcastically.Any way, if the roof is indeed leaking it need be fixed asap before the rainy season. If there are termites still despite spending so much almost RM$15000, it too had to be dealt with. BUT, this time I need to see documentary evidence for a part of me fears that she had been made used of by who knows who???
Other than constant nagging issues concerning this, i would say my marriage is happy and peaceful.
Still....some bright spots. Last Monday I managed to spend time with Eve my step sis in law as she kindly helped me manage Rachel as I helped out at Amy's violin masterclass. Only 9 students performed with one driving all the way from Kota Tinggi. Rachel was so impressed with 4 year old wei song that she asked me for lessons with Amy again. Before the concert started when this tiny cute boy saw the rehearsal of the eldest guy, he kind of panicked and applied brakes. (refused to enter the ballet hall rented for this purpose). Thankfully, he recovered and gave a good performance and the dad explained that it was the stern grandma wanting initially to be in the audience that gave the boy cold feet. What an influential grandma..........
Rachel's grandma, my mum died 03 March last year. This week I kind of relived the moments that dreadful bloody fall and the week long stay in 2 hospitals. She eventually died in Gleneagles where coincidently Fandi's wife is still warded after a fall. Before my mum died, she was still "watching" TV programmes as her organs shut down one by one. Programmes like "Lydia Sum memorial". I wanted to switch off the tv for some peace not that it was loud but she insisted on it being played. We had rehearsed the day before and also did played her favourite Teresa teng songs from a lap top till she breathed her last. Now i associate her songs with my mum's passing on though I never like teresa teng, she is so OLDIE and she sound exactly the same singing the same style even for most songs be it chinese, japanese or hokkien.
Rachel's other grandma..popo...SIGH, asked for funds again!!!! This time to fix a leaky roof and the questionable termities?? Very questionable as on my last visit she said she spent all of the $7-8000 CPF inheritance from her late hubby on exterminating termites from both her and my other sis in law's place. As usual when asked about receipts, she replied, "you don't believe me." sarcastically.Any way, if the roof is indeed leaking it need be fixed asap before the rainy season. If there are termites still despite spending so much almost RM$15000, it too had to be dealt with. BUT, this time I need to see documentary evidence for a part of me fears that she had been made used of by who knows who???
Other than constant nagging issues concerning this, i would say my marriage is happy and peaceful.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Anger Management
I've never been a "angry" person. Vulgarities and angry words are out for me since secondary school. I think i can be described as a outwardly calm person though not as relaxed and laid back as Yan who is phelgmatic.
When i became pregnant with Rachel i became a slightly "different" person. I became a bit more impatient and irritated with others especially those that cut my queue or smoke in my face.
Rachel is B+ very different from my O+ blood. Since young she seem more angry than me I think when i was a kid. When she had tantrums as a young toddler it was often emotional outburst! though not as loud as some others I've been horrified to witness!
Today after my music lesson (had my violin on shoulder) with a pack of food in my right hand and her scooter in other, I was walking back in the hot sun and she was just a few steps behind me. We had just finished the zebra crossing and were turning into the car park when a car honked angrily at her and she panicked and moved closer to the car path. I was naturally upset. The old couple in car started accusing me of "wanting your kid to die is it??" of not holding on to her as if I had another pair of hands. I was angry that they could be more patient and not honk at her causing her to fear and moved in the wrong direction. After all, its a car park, zebra crossing area and they should drive carefully and be more patient!!!
The old bitch was barking at me and soon we all joined in the "shut up" match. Rachel was good at this!! It was a case of me protecting her and she wanting to do her part to protect me from the "evil" old man and woman in old-should- be- scrapped long ago car. (pity i did not note the car plate no)
Years ago I would never shout at anyone especially elderly. But here in this estate of many old retirees, I must say many of these old people get on my nerves. They feed stray cats. They turned down the proposal to build the essential swimming pool or upgrade the children's playground. Most activities are catered to them like off-key karaoke oldies.
God!!!I do not like this estate at all. Neptune court is so full of elderly some walking some cant and every few months somebody jumped off the building. Then there was a huge fire that was reported in the papers followed by a false alarm when someone's cooking was badly burnt and several fire engines turned up.
Lord, I miss Mandarin Gardens where there is a healthy mix of residents, both local and foreign (maids included). Here it is like a retirement town and I think something is very wrong when these old "teachers" paid only $30K for a apartment that is now worth about $1 mil yet it is so run down and lacking in basic rain shelters. I think this place should be demolished to make way for better more beautiful apartments that cater to the local and foreign young families and others who prefer to pay the premium for living near the sea.
I am praying that there will be a dramatic reduction in the no of elderly and stray cats. Please bring in the young families Lord.
When i became pregnant with Rachel i became a slightly "different" person. I became a bit more impatient and irritated with others especially those that cut my queue or smoke in my face.
Rachel is B+ very different from my O+ blood. Since young she seem more angry than me I think when i was a kid. When she had tantrums as a young toddler it was often emotional outburst! though not as loud as some others I've been horrified to witness!
Today after my music lesson (had my violin on shoulder) with a pack of food in my right hand and her scooter in other, I was walking back in the hot sun and she was just a few steps behind me. We had just finished the zebra crossing and were turning into the car park when a car honked angrily at her and she panicked and moved closer to the car path. I was naturally upset. The old couple in car started accusing me of "wanting your kid to die is it??" of not holding on to her as if I had another pair of hands. I was angry that they could be more patient and not honk at her causing her to fear and moved in the wrong direction. After all, its a car park, zebra crossing area and they should drive carefully and be more patient!!!
The old bitch was barking at me and soon we all joined in the "shut up" match. Rachel was good at this!! It was a case of me protecting her and she wanting to do her part to protect me from the "evil" old man and woman in old-should- be- scrapped long ago car. (pity i did not note the car plate no)
Years ago I would never shout at anyone especially elderly. But here in this estate of many old retirees, I must say many of these old people get on my nerves. They feed stray cats. They turned down the proposal to build the essential swimming pool or upgrade the children's playground. Most activities are catered to them like off-key karaoke oldies.
God!!!I do not like this estate at all. Neptune court is so full of elderly some walking some cant and every few months somebody jumped off the building. Then there was a huge fire that was reported in the papers followed by a false alarm when someone's cooking was badly burnt and several fire engines turned up.
Lord, I miss Mandarin Gardens where there is a healthy mix of residents, both local and foreign (maids included). Here it is like a retirement town and I think something is very wrong when these old "teachers" paid only $30K for a apartment that is now worth about $1 mil yet it is so run down and lacking in basic rain shelters. I think this place should be demolished to make way for better more beautiful apartments that cater to the local and foreign young families and others who prefer to pay the premium for living near the sea.
I am praying that there will be a dramatic reduction in the no of elderly and stray cats. Please bring in the young families Lord.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
God shall supply!
It's amazing how God first placed that desire to make music in me as a little kid. I remembered the fun I had making my own "musical instruments" like drums and mostly string instruments made with cardboards and vibrating strings. I would pluck the strings (pizzicato) and pretend I was making great music. Perhaps it was an early influence from my then still robust and healthy grand father who played the erhu (chinese "violin") often during the lazy afternoons in my pre-school days.
Eventually grandpa became very ill with diabetes and after an amputation just below the knee cap he was confined to his bed (cum toilet) for more than a decade and eventually passed on due to renal failure. Now I wondered what could have happened if someone or anyone would place in his hands the erhu that he used to play. Would it helped him feel better, making music, expressing his sorrow and pain and agony and hope rather than being mostly angry, frustrated and depressed. I was too young to comprehend then the power of music in healing the body mind and soul.
Now that i am acquainted with my violin and had started to seriously coach rachel in this wonderful instrument, I am depending on God to help me excel in both. I have also started to plan and document our lessons be it academics, art and music. I believe this 2009, the dextos year of the Lord, the year of abundant, profuse blessings and salvations, we will venture very far and advance much academically, musically and in fine arts. Spiritually, we will grow in leaps and bounds experiencing and enjoying God's abundant grace and favour.
In fact, last night when i could not sleep a wink (had afternoon coffee), after some prayer, i ended up listening to all the songs from Suzuki vol 1 to 5 (72 in total). Coupled with the many child prodigies videos that i had watched in you tube earlier in the same day, I could not help but wished I am more talented.
"God i am lacking in talent" i resigned within me as i drifted into sleep at around 2am.
This morning my devotional was "where there is a lack, there is superabundant supply in God's kingdom to overcome that lack. God's supply is so much more than what we can ask for."
Philippians 4:19
"And my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
yes..musical talent included. amen.
Eventually grandpa became very ill with diabetes and after an amputation just below the knee cap he was confined to his bed (cum toilet) for more than a decade and eventually passed on due to renal failure. Now I wondered what could have happened if someone or anyone would place in his hands the erhu that he used to play. Would it helped him feel better, making music, expressing his sorrow and pain and agony and hope rather than being mostly angry, frustrated and depressed. I was too young to comprehend then the power of music in healing the body mind and soul.
Now that i am acquainted with my violin and had started to seriously coach rachel in this wonderful instrument, I am depending on God to help me excel in both. I have also started to plan and document our lessons be it academics, art and music. I believe this 2009, the dextos year of the Lord, the year of abundant, profuse blessings and salvations, we will venture very far and advance much academically, musically and in fine arts. Spiritually, we will grow in leaps and bounds experiencing and enjoying God's abundant grace and favour.
In fact, last night when i could not sleep a wink (had afternoon coffee), after some prayer, i ended up listening to all the songs from Suzuki vol 1 to 5 (72 in total). Coupled with the many child prodigies videos that i had watched in you tube earlier in the same day, I could not help but wished I am more talented.
"God i am lacking in talent" i resigned within me as i drifted into sleep at around 2am.
This morning my devotional was "where there is a lack, there is superabundant supply in God's kingdom to overcome that lack. God's supply is so much more than what we can ask for."
Philippians 4:19
"And my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
yes..musical talent included. amen.
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