5 years of grace

We just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. Its not a major celebration though, more like an opportunity to eat out at rachel's favourite Sakae Sushi at Parkway Parade which we hadn't been visiting for a long, long time.

Well I married my long time male buddy, 3 years younger than me at 30. The year 2003 was full of excitement, with a new home in mandarin gardens bought a few months before our marriage was solemnised on 15 Nov 2003. Both of us were working then. He was doing project management in Far East pte ltd and I was with the largest bank DBS doing what i do best at work : selling financial products - Nope I did not sell any Lehman Brothers products, I left the bank prematurely due to extreme work stress and pregnancy bleeding in Sep 2004, unfortunately without the maternity benefits that we needed much for the new born.

By then Yan had completed his two year bond at Far East for his architecture masters scholarship and with music being his main passion, he decided to be a full time piano tutor. The sudden fall in income and the gradual increase in baby expenses did make life tougher. We had debts, mortgage loan of which the interest was increasing at short notice all the time. Life was made harder when my mother was diagnosed with end stage colon cancer and had intensive chemotheraphy for almost 3 years after surgery to remove the affected colon, part of the bladder, the entire reproductive organs as a precautionary measure.

With my mum not well and his mum suffering Parkinson's. I had the honour and the torture of caring for my newborn since day one after being discharged from the hospital. When rachel was about 18 months we did send her to childcare for almost 10months only to withdraw since she was so sickly and had to be hospitalised not once, but thrice adding to all the financial burden. Perhaps 2005 was the most terrible year when the sole breadwinner Yan was not able to work for a month due to suspected dengue fever. Things got better after we sold the matrimonial home to repay the outstanding loans, debts and our family's share of 25% of my mum's hefty chemo bill, which is like $8000 every other month. or $24000 min per cycle of treatment.

This year 2008 was not a good one either. My mum passed on in March and soon the credit crisis saw our income and various investments suddenly halved. Being loyal tithers, we are certain that God will not let us down and will provide all that we need. We tried to lower even further our family lifestyles and be positive while juggling the bills.

Indeed, married life is full of challenges. One moment you are renovating your matrimonial home and the next you are renting some one else's apartment. One moment I was shopping for baby things like prams, cots, Bumbo chair, high chair, nursing equipment and accessories and the next I am shopping with Rachel, usually books, art and craft material and toys with money from ebaying and flea marketing those baby items.

So much had changed in just 5 years, In the place of a svelt and sexy figure , clear complexion is hormonal weight gain, thank God not a lot and pimples....OUCH. I never had pimples in my teens guess God is fair!!! I used to love dresses, ya..skimpy material or tight fitting ones that showcase the lingerie perfect hour glass but now, I am in mostly sporty attire-ready to run errands and after my sprinting toddler.

I miss those days when I could shop all day from orchard to suntec city and lug lots of prized hunting home. Or spend half a day or so rejuvenating at the spas or getting my hair done. Now I have learnt to be content to loiter around toy departments and hang around book shops, the children's section, that is!!! for a much needed moment of peace within.

Instead of $12 western brunches, I now cook meals that I never imagined I could. I miss holidays but I have learnt to enjoy the Singapore that is and will always be my home.

5 is a number of Grace and I thank God for the past 5 years of grace. I strongly believe the next 5 years will be even better because my Lord is a God of Grace. And as a good and loving heavenly Father, he has already provided what we need and want...........way in advance. Thank you Father God

When we are wealthy..........

Sometimes I can't help wondering if God brought us to our knees where finances are concerned so that he may bless us and help us become wealthy and prosperous and be a better steward of his financial resources.

Its not that we are that poor but perhaps my accounting background, thanks to NTU, had made me very conscious of our financial networth. Its in the BOLD RED for a long time, similar to the US debt, its is growing with the monthly deficits and its depressing.

Yet amid all these financial gloom, there is always this HOPE that things will change for good. The lord of our finances will turn the situation around. He can make us the head and not the tail, the lender and giver and not the borrower.

We have many pressing needs and wants but when we became wealthy, here is a list of things that I expect will take place:

1) We have our own property!!! No more renting apartments and worrying about rental payments. I ask God for a place that Yan who possess a Masters in Architecture, can rebuild from scratch, complete with a lap pool, waterfall, roof garden and fruit and vegetable patch. I would still love to live in the east and near the beach.

2) a family car with a chauffeur. I am ashamed to have only driven once with my mum in the passenger seat after getting my licence in 1992? way before the "MERGE" traffic signs were up.

3) I want to buy a really good violin. How good? at least $25,000 though I would certainly love to invest in vintage violins like the JB Guadagnini, Guarneri del Gesu and Antonio Stradivari. I want to bid for them at auctions like sothebys but of course, will gladly receive them as gifts or loans

4) I am passionate about music education. I want to set up a music school and sell instruments too. Not the yamaha or cristofori type but one that "invests" in the students, one on one and help them succeed in the classical music world. I want to be a music and instrument sponsor.

5)A giver to the arts and music locally. I feel more for the arts than the kidney patients etc. I no longer Giro donate to such charities as I think the government should provide more grant and these charities and church organisations should not accumulate reserves but should help defray costs of dialysis etc

6) Travel again, especially to Europe, my favourite continent and buy violins attend operas and concerts, visit the museums and shop of course!!

7) We had been tithing more and more, 1% more each year and will tithe from the businesses. I now believe in tithes more than the stock market as a way of growing wealth. Afterall, this is God's Way we had better follow it!

8)I want to play well, perform and also impart the violin skills acquired. I can't wait to attend recitals especially that of Yan's and by faith, Rachel's and in the very future our students'. Hee

9) I want to buy a Steinway Concert Grand - for the love of my life. Yan

10) I am determined to be cash rich for business opportunites and also for giving and sponsorship of muscial education. I believe God will bless our family and make our family a blessing to others especially musically.

Dreading Christmas 2008

I feel very down already. I know this christmas will be yet another miserable one. Hopefully I do not have to buy gifts at ebay and then sell my presents to get the cash back!!!!!!

Christmas has always been a time of celebration for me! I love to give good gifts more than receiving things that i do not need or wonder why did someone think I would like this or that. Christmas is about parties and turkeys and balloons and joy and laughter. Even before I officially attended churches at age 13, I was already giving to the WWF NOT the World Wrestling Federation but the World Wildlife Fund. Later with my first church mission movement, I sponsored a Thai orphan for about $60 a month for a few years, based just on his photo so that this kid of about 8-9 will get a decent education. I've never met him or gotten any receipt from the church. Its all about TRUST and actually my dad was the one financing him through my JC pocket money of about $300 a month excluding fashion, bags, shoes, make-up, skin care, tuition and books.

Now that I am a mother who had recently lost her mother, I find myself in huge need of shoes, bags, clothes, skin care, makeup and tuition for rachel especially mandarin that I hated! Please do not jump to conclusion that I am vain and materialistic and high maintenance! I am NOT. When I say I have nothing to wear I mean I really have nothing to wear save for some old t-shirts and jean skirts. Since I left the working world prematurely while 5.5 months pregnant and worried about my cancer stricken mum, I had sold most of my working wardrobe, shoes, watches and yes including my wedding jewellery and rings, (I don't fancy the uncomfortable feeling of wearing even a wedding ring any way).

So, I sold/pawn everything so that we can pay for the c section and the subsequent child immunisations. Its no joke having rachel, we need everything as there were no hand me downs. We need $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and we lost much $$$$$$$$$$$ my maternity benefit and at least 4 months of salary when I was forced to leave DBS early. I sincerely pray that the layoff list include that idiotic head of sales, east (provided its the same bad guy) who engineered much of our misery!!!! He singlehandedly pushed me to the edge for a simple calculation error and pressured me to quit, chiding me for being a "burden to the bank who need to pay your maternity benefit" He ordered the bank staff to deduct my pay to compensate the greedy old woman customer who tried to pull a fast one and demanded the bank honour the mistake I made an extra of $772 for her. Thankfully after I protested loud and clear to other colleagues, not a single $ was deducted from my last paycheck in Sep 2004

Any way, i used to love christmas, to shop for gifts for loved ones and also be heavily involved in church outreach events like caroling or worship band but now...............THINGS HAD CHANGED. Each Christmas, I am honoured to hold a family gathering. Its a Christmas cum New Year cum Rachel's birthday party. However, the budget for this event was slashed each year that this 2008, I feel all miserable and depressed already and pray much that God be merciful and bless us with what we need for the party and rachel's birthday gift.

Such is the quality of my life that had deteriorated much since I became a mother. What a contrast to my late teens and early 20s when I had everything. I was the envy of friends and church mates, being way ahead in fashion and gadgets and travelling much. Now I dread to go church every sunday as I have nothing to wear. Its the same t shirt (already have holes appearing) and tattered jeans skirt bought in 2006 after we sold the Mandarin Gardens Studio. I have not travelled for more than 10 years except by bus and mrt in Singapore. Yet as a doting mum, I will gladly let rachel have a bigger share of whatever food we are having and will not think twice to spend the last dollar on her!

Could we belong to those "living in poverty????" Frankly not! As long as one can afford to rent a private apartment, in this country, you will get less handouts and zero rebates and subsidies. Its a tiring struggle to believe God that we will emerge victorious soon, out of debt (mostly family mum's chemo bills related) have more than enough savings and investments and be prosperous. Yet this is the gist of the messages that our church wants us to believe God for. That life can be good. That our family can be and IS ALREADY???? Wealthy and Healthy by the Grace of God.

Guess this christmas I need Christ more than anything now!!!!!!!

$taying afloat

Suddenly 2008 is full of bad news. In the early part of the year, mum's condition took a strong wrong turn and after the max of 3 morphine patches, she was still in much pain and had to switch to morphine injection-pallative care. I really don't know why she was not healed and not saved even after many attempts by christian relatives. Sadly, we all had to see her go prematurely exactly a month short of her would be 61 birthday.

Then the China Shenzhen massive earthquake which killed many but the news not as shocking as my dad's elder sister who died suddenly while we were still mourning for our mum. Apparently his elderly sister had fell and died and was not discovered until she was missing at the dinner table by the huge extended family in china. By then her body had darkened much which was normal as the red blood cells being heavier will sink to the lower parts of the body postmortem.

I was so worried about the emotional blow my dad had to endure. He lamented that he had a bad life : divorce his first wife, two estranged kids now middle aged, lost his wife of 35 years and lost his favourite sister. This was the elder sister who gave him her food to eat when they had nothing to eat except potatoes during the post war years.

With some of my mum's insurance payout, I had invested in some shares more for dividends and with the long term objective of funding for rachel's future more than our retirement. Contra losses aside, I am now sitting on some $30000 paper losses for my entire portfolio including CPF investments. It does not help when Yan told me at church service yesterday, a video footage of pastor prince prophesying the financial crisis in a april 2005 sermon was broadcasted to boost his credibility. (He of course does not need that!) Well, he had warned many to exit the stock market during the bull run as he wants us to believe with him that the stock market is NOT God's way of growing wealth (Only tithing is, God's idea of sowing and reaping through tithes and offerings). Paper money is a move away from the Gold standard and the entire financial world is crumpling.

Well. I agree with the tithing message but personally as ex-financial consultant and ex insurance sales person, I cannot imagine a world without the stock market, insurances, currencies of various denominations and wealth planning and preservation. How can we go back to BARTER trade??? What about internet, fibreoptics, satellites and businesses? Is this too radical?

Anyway, whether one invests in the stock market or not, it nevertheless impacts the lives of ordinary citizens and residents. My dad'd food stall business is kinda of related to the economy. When times are not as good, cash is lacking and credit remains tight, many prefer to eat in, to eat instant noodles than to fork our $3 for a bowl of hot and delicious fish ball mee pok. That's life. With many Singaporeans already asset rich and cash poor before the start of the credit crisis, it is no surprise that many now are asset not so rich and cash poorer.

Tithing is the way out of this vicious cycle for christians who MUST believe that God is our provider and when we honour him with our finances that he had first bless us with, He will definitely provide more than enough. By tithing we also set apart all the finances for our use and that of the church. But to those that are not in the church, like my dad, other than cutting costs, what can be done??? Well for him, nothing beats the Singapore pools and may God bless him, and singapore pools cash takings as well since it is a BIG GIVER to the arts and music in this country.

Long term Parenting

What a rare moment! Rachel is taking a nap which i pray is not too short, otherwise I may not get my thoughts sorted out in this blog. Sigh...........

This morning her violin lesson was a disaster. Actually the disaster started after we moved to the neighbouring estate. Well, an accurate analysis revealed that its not violin or music or teacher amy that she dislikes, its the fact that we often had to drag her out of the house when she is in tune with her favourite OKTO cartoons. After the handsome BEN 10, her favourite is Harry and the Bucketful of Dinosaurs. Er????????? Well I remembered the time when Teletubbies were considered Satanic and I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and my sister adored the Powerpuff Girls.

So Amy suggest we change strategy again. This time, I will start my lessons of 45mins followed by Rachel. The problem is this breastfed baby is so BABY!!!!!! She is so CLINGY and needs Mummy all the time even when daddy is there eager to help with toys, schooling and meals etc.

I feel sad when people criticised us parents for "spoiling" the kid. "You need to give her a younger sibling or she will forever be a baby!","You need to send her to school!", "You need to be more firm with her, use authority or she will dominate over the parents etc etc etc" Its like suddenly every one around you including those that never yet had a kid became "parenting experts"

Guess what? I decided to "tune out" of these unneccessary "parenting pressure". Looking back, I had been brought up with lots of scolding and caning and discipline more than any of my siblings mainly because I am the eldest and I am a follower of Christ even though my parents are non-believers who prayed to gods and ghosts and also for 4d lottery numbers etc.

I love my parents because somehow after knowing Jesus, you became more forgiving and loving towards your loved ones and friends. We love Rachel. In fact we love her so much that we do not want to tarnish her childhood with unneccessary pain, physical and emotional. We want her to be feel loved, cherished and important. She is a child of God like us and we want to show her the love of God through our parenting.

Rachel will not be a child forever. She is getting out of diapers permanently and already has a mind of her own. One day she may leave us to futher her studies, career or even for musical pursuits.

I reckon that the impact of the mother on her child's life is very strong and almost permanent. Physically, emotionally abusive mums and highly critical, negative mums produce kids that suffer lower self esteem and persismistic outlook for life. In my short few years to mother rachel, I want to leave a positive impact in her life. I want to be a good mum who leads her like a shepherd, one that plays with her like a good friend. One that models to her what being a mother is like so that one day she may choose to be one.

Frankly, I am blest with a good mother who did her best helping dad at the foodstall and completing the chores. In fact, because of Christ I am a better mum than my mother, as I am many times more patient and affectionate. However, with 4x the number of children to handle and without any maid, I think my mum did her best in her short life to positively impact the 4 kids. We learnt to respect her authority and benefitted much from her guidance and discipline. We fulfilled her dream that all of us will be degree holders for she did not have much opportunity to further her studies beyond the pre-u level due to illnesses and financial lack, being an orphan.

Long after I am gone, I pray Rachel will think well of me (of course daddy too) and remember the times we spent painting, reading, playing and also shopping and learning music together. I feel blest and honoured already to be a full time "life giver" -a mother to my child, probably my one and only beloved RACHEL

I believe she will turn out Better than expected. To God be the glory