I've just revised the britney mtvs that i used to watch..ya..literally over and over again. Ya...even though some really conservative christians will say or nag me for being "worldly" its still one of my favourite entertainment, especially on-line, just like ebay.
I grew up watching MTVs. I used to record in those video tapes that you need to wind and unwind type. I remembered one of my favourite was "November Rain" by Guns N Roses. Then there was Celine Dion, Mariah carey and many others that I used to love. Back street boys and the guy that sang "living on a prayer" what was his name??? BON JOVI...ya luv him.
I used to own laser discs, that's how vintage I was, of the 4 heavenly kings until the cds and vcds took over. I especially love to karaoke to the Canto pop but not so the Mandarin ones, cos up to this day, I still dun like Mandarin, its so UNCOOL!! Ha
Frankly, I wish the christian world will catch up. When can we see more MTVs of worship titles.
? Or karaoke version with all the musicians and lead voices. Nah..that tantamounts to "self-glorification" of the various artiste many would argue. Whatever.....i guess to us MTV buffs, the choices are quite limited.
Talk about britney's latest "Womanizer" video. Well she is hot again. Lying down she appear much slimmer and well toned. I used to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and said to myself." one day I will appear in a sexy MTV, and sing my own songs too.." I was so confident then, of the beautifully shaped well tone body in my early 20s. Appearing nude in art or as a model are thoughts that can be entertained only in the mind as both my family and church will CRUCIFY me should i even consider that.
With my 1.57m height the only way I can satisfy my teenage dream of being a model is to showcase sexy lingerie. G strings. Diamond studed T strings included
But for now, I can only model for maternity wear. Nursing bras? any one??
But thankfully I am NOT so badly DISFIGURED by pregnancy, I just look like britney at the awards where she was obviously plump and not in form. The good news is, if she can do it with 2 kids, I sure can...provided I have time away from the super needy rachel to RUN, to DANCE, and to SHOP for hours.
Until then, I can do what britney does, lie flat and appear immediately slimmer and sexier.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Strength in time of need
Went orchard to anti stress......window shop even though Rachel wanted much to stay home and watch dvds. Oh she is so like her daddy, they can exist within the 4 walls and not have the urge to get out of the main door type, whereas i turn mouldy and grouchy if home bound for too long. Already my tolerance of staying in doors had gone up from a single day t0 max 3 days.
I think it all started in my teens when the 3 room flat we were dwelling in was so cramped with 7 family members including wheel chair bound grandpa who took up one of the two bedrooms. Immediately after my afternoon lessons and tutorials I would speed shop, mostly window shop in the near by Parkway Parade or City Plaza before dashing home in a cab $2.50 only to help care for the super grouchy hot and short tempered grand pa while both parents are at work at the food stall. Its those mundane stuff like getting him water, towel, food and medication. Grandpa stays on the bed most of the time because I do not have the strength to help transfer his 300 pounds body sans a leg to his 3rd wheel chair. In fact, he had to do all his business on the bed which had a specially constructed with a "loo" or hole in the bed.
Once my mum who was TCM nursing trained was cleaning his severely diabetic feet when one of the toes just fell into the basin. I was shivering in fear when i heard the commotion, but my mum just wrap it with ice cubes and called for an ambulance. I am the squeamish type. Blood, shit, urine, vomit, bones, ashes even leftover food or garbage...YUCK i cannot tolerate but my mum was so full of courage and VIRTUE as she cared for both my late chronically sick grandpa and my cancer stricken grandma. She was one super brave woman.
Sigh... my grandma, she was a quite strict vegetarian that chants a great deal each day. She had a gallstone removed when I was in lower primary so when she complained of gastric pain our family thought it was another gall stone episode. The medical report came out to be terminal cancer of the stomach. Within a month she was GONE. The last few days were really trying for me. I had to tolerate her loud wails in pain. She was puking dried blood and passing out fresh ones. The SGH doctors were not doing any thing as she was in her early 80s. The cancer was eating her up and no amount of prayer intercession with fasting seemed to help. I was so worn out so afraid that she would die in my presence as I was the only one that was with her most of the time. My parents were working their butts off to sustain the family and pay the medical bills while my siblings were in army and school hostel. I did lose the desire to excel in school though I still turn out to be amongst the top few in class.
One night my grandma crawled on all fours and begged me to "finish her off with a knife". I was so horrified, I kept praying in tongues for Jesus to take her pain away. She wailed throughout the night. It made me re-think that euthanasia is necessary especially when the victim is suffering much pain and want to end their lives. I hope one day, Singapore will legalise it so that some may die with peace and dignity with the help of professional palliative care-givers. But of course, as a christian we are raised to value life since it came from the Creator God. Though I cannot understand why some individuals need to suffer so much.
Any way, soon it was my mum's turn. In the last few years intensive chemotheraphy and a very resilient aggressive cancer of the colon had taken a drastic toll on her originally plump body. As the cancer spread to the lungs she suffered much searing intermitten pain on her back. She said it was like knives stabbing non stop into her spine and back muscles. Within months she was so weak and frail that she became really small framed with a lollipop head and her legs became too weak to carry the residual weight even and would buckle when she stood up.
The battle against cancer was a very furious one. One minute she was "healing" the cancer markers were consistently down, i was praising God, the next she was fighting a fast losing battle. Once her taste buds were destroyed, so went her otherwise good natured co-operative patient self. Towards the end she had shed more than 20kg at least. Its heart wrenching to pray much and witness your love one becoming worse and dying. Looking back, I was able to draw strength from deep within me, despite being heavily pregnant and later being a new mum and care-giver to Rachel, and care for my mum the best way I can.
Soon I was cleaning her house, preparing the plain watery porridge, administering the various drugs and morphine patches and changing the dressings. She once terrified me with more than 1.5L of dark green smelly vomit despite not eating anything for the entire day . Then there was the horrendous hair loss episode, hair was everywhere. While I clean up all the mess, I have no doubt that I contribute to the heaps of hair on the floor too, for the undue stress I felt, juggling the ever active toddler and my dying mum and travelling via public transport to and from marine parade to seng kang when there was no direct bus services.
Lastly, her fall and the huge pool of blood on the floor that led me in much shock and trembling. I was holding her bleeding head with a towel in my hand and calling the ambulance in the other and shouting to my 7 year old niece to care for my 2.5 year old energizer bunny baby in the living room. I was totally spooked by the blood, the sheer volume of it and how in that instant my phone went dead and I can only recall yan's HP number plus the ambulance that took an eternity to arrive. I was at the same time worried about the two kids in the living room, playing unsupervised. Cheryl saw the bloody mess I prayed she will not be spooked by it like I was in my childhood witnessing one bloody accident after another. Rachel I was not sure if she saw any thing but her older cousin was able to distract her with toys temporaily, I think. And the kids were hungry awaiting dinner from my sister who had a big shock entering the house. She had not checked her phone nor had she answer the urgent calls that Yan had sent her. The following week was a huge blur of hospital vigils and funeral arrangements.
Frankly I never expect such things to happen in my life. I am a happy go lucky shopper, an ex fashionista, a musician and sophisticated investor wanna be. Life is suppose to be full of party and friends and music and money. All these incidences changed me much. I became even more melancholic and withdrawn and certainly have no desire to make new friends, facebook or not. Its also tough sharing with the existing friend or two. I very much prefer to be alone, with my God, my family and my violin. And not forgetting an occasional investment or shopping spree to spice up regular church life.
And please God PLEASE, bless the rest of my family with good health, happiness, peace and prosperity. Protect them from within and without and love them Lord dearly.
I think it all started in my teens when the 3 room flat we were dwelling in was so cramped with 7 family members including wheel chair bound grandpa who took up one of the two bedrooms. Immediately after my afternoon lessons and tutorials I would speed shop, mostly window shop in the near by Parkway Parade or City Plaza before dashing home in a cab $2.50 only to help care for the super grouchy hot and short tempered grand pa while both parents are at work at the food stall. Its those mundane stuff like getting him water, towel, food and medication. Grandpa stays on the bed most of the time because I do not have the strength to help transfer his 300 pounds body sans a leg to his 3rd wheel chair. In fact, he had to do all his business on the bed which had a specially constructed with a "loo" or hole in the bed.
Once my mum who was TCM nursing trained was cleaning his severely diabetic feet when one of the toes just fell into the basin. I was shivering in fear when i heard the commotion, but my mum just wrap it with ice cubes and called for an ambulance. I am the squeamish type. Blood, shit, urine, vomit, bones, ashes even leftover food or garbage...YUCK i cannot tolerate but my mum was so full of courage and VIRTUE as she cared for both my late chronically sick grandpa and my cancer stricken grandma. She was one super brave woman.
Sigh... my grandma, she was a quite strict vegetarian that chants a great deal each day. She had a gallstone removed when I was in lower primary so when she complained of gastric pain our family thought it was another gall stone episode. The medical report came out to be terminal cancer of the stomach. Within a month she was GONE. The last few days were really trying for me. I had to tolerate her loud wails in pain. She was puking dried blood and passing out fresh ones. The SGH doctors were not doing any thing as she was in her early 80s. The cancer was eating her up and no amount of prayer intercession with fasting seemed to help. I was so worn out so afraid that she would die in my presence as I was the only one that was with her most of the time. My parents were working their butts off to sustain the family and pay the medical bills while my siblings were in army and school hostel. I did lose the desire to excel in school though I still turn out to be amongst the top few in class.
One night my grandma crawled on all fours and begged me to "finish her off with a knife". I was so horrified, I kept praying in tongues for Jesus to take her pain away. She wailed throughout the night. It made me re-think that euthanasia is necessary especially when the victim is suffering much pain and want to end their lives. I hope one day, Singapore will legalise it so that some may die with peace and dignity with the help of professional palliative care-givers. But of course, as a christian we are raised to value life since it came from the Creator God. Though I cannot understand why some individuals need to suffer so much.
Any way, soon it was my mum's turn. In the last few years intensive chemotheraphy and a very resilient aggressive cancer of the colon had taken a drastic toll on her originally plump body. As the cancer spread to the lungs she suffered much searing intermitten pain on her back. She said it was like knives stabbing non stop into her spine and back muscles. Within months she was so weak and frail that she became really small framed with a lollipop head and her legs became too weak to carry the residual weight even and would buckle when she stood up.
The battle against cancer was a very furious one. One minute she was "healing" the cancer markers were consistently down, i was praising God, the next she was fighting a fast losing battle. Once her taste buds were destroyed, so went her otherwise good natured co-operative patient self. Towards the end she had shed more than 20kg at least. Its heart wrenching to pray much and witness your love one becoming worse and dying. Looking back, I was able to draw strength from deep within me, despite being heavily pregnant and later being a new mum and care-giver to Rachel, and care for my mum the best way I can.
Soon I was cleaning her house, preparing the plain watery porridge, administering the various drugs and morphine patches and changing the dressings. She once terrified me with more than 1.5L of dark green smelly vomit despite not eating anything for the entire day . Then there was the horrendous hair loss episode, hair was everywhere. While I clean up all the mess, I have no doubt that I contribute to the heaps of hair on the floor too, for the undue stress I felt, juggling the ever active toddler and my dying mum and travelling via public transport to and from marine parade to seng kang when there was no direct bus services.
Lastly, her fall and the huge pool of blood on the floor that led me in much shock and trembling. I was holding her bleeding head with a towel in my hand and calling the ambulance in the other and shouting to my 7 year old niece to care for my 2.5 year old energizer bunny baby in the living room. I was totally spooked by the blood, the sheer volume of it and how in that instant my phone went dead and I can only recall yan's HP number plus the ambulance that took an eternity to arrive. I was at the same time worried about the two kids in the living room, playing unsupervised. Cheryl saw the bloody mess I prayed she will not be spooked by it like I was in my childhood witnessing one bloody accident after another. Rachel I was not sure if she saw any thing but her older cousin was able to distract her with toys temporaily, I think. And the kids were hungry awaiting dinner from my sister who had a big shock entering the house. She had not checked her phone nor had she answer the urgent calls that Yan had sent her. The following week was a huge blur of hospital vigils and funeral arrangements.
Frankly I never expect such things to happen in my life. I am a happy go lucky shopper, an ex fashionista, a musician and sophisticated investor wanna be. Life is suppose to be full of party and friends and music and money. All these incidences changed me much. I became even more melancholic and withdrawn and certainly have no desire to make new friends, facebook or not. Its also tough sharing with the existing friend or two. I very much prefer to be alone, with my God, my family and my violin. And not forgetting an occasional investment or shopping spree to spice up regular church life.
And please God PLEASE, bless the rest of my family with good health, happiness, peace and prosperity. Protect them from within and without and love them Lord dearly.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Some weird regrets
Yesterday I Spoke with Xiao AO who is in my opinion one of yan's brightest students at this moment. This well dressed young lady in her teens hail from China and she learnt to play the violin since she was about 6. A minor PE injury to her arm sort of led her to want to play the piano too. So here she is, alone in Singapore studying and learning music. I instantly liked her and found myself regreting my youth!
The youth of today is so mobile. So wired up. I never did visit any country until I was due to graduate. I think my first trip was to Hong Kong for a week long shopping. Its shopping bring the purchases back to Sheraton Hotel in the afternoon then dinner and shopping again. I LOVE IT!!!
I was ahead in fashion in esparadrilles and tube tops that my first church pastor SCOLDED me for wearing to service. As if I care!!! Ha, I meant to say that though my image was trendy though without earrings, and any accessories, I am a minimalist, I felt totally comfy in what i wear then mini skirts that boasted of fit and slim legs, not endless ones like yan's though. He is model material and should even pose nude for Gay magazines...hahaha
Many assumed that I had several relationships but quite contrary I had many good male friends that made me quite fussy about the man I would eventually date and marry and have kids with. Investment- wise I admit I do have an above average risk appetite and a time frame several generations long but when it comes to relationships, NAH...I am TOTALLY risk adverse, prefering to WAIT and be SURE. A few crushes here and there but NO i would not allow my heart to be broken so to speak.
The only time I allowed myself to really feel for someone I believe was a good bet and from God, was the only time I hurt the most. Afterall, I spent my adult life turning down potential guys that are EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW to me, only to have a taste of my own medicine in 2002. While the country was in a recession I was in a depression. So much pain was in my heart that I was totally unable to taste the food i eat. I applied for many jobs half heartedly and when I did get short-listed for interviews, I called to refuse the interviews. God was my refuge but sometimes I think he does not "understand" the many WHYS...WHATS...WHEN...HOW CAN???? ETC ETC. Many times it was hard to believe that he cared.
I started SPENDING to express my pain. I had debts for the first time in my life and i did not care. The credit spending snow-balled into something more serious, letters from banks demanding payment and I eventually had a BAILOUT by my dad sans the scolding.
Citibank headhunted me but I told the investment manager I am not in the mood to work for the time being and hung off the phone call. Rude har???
I wanted to get out of the sad feelings but I became at the same time became more in tune with mozart's requiem, which was the saddest music I ever heard. Mozart's death is still the saddest and i feel a loss that is even greater than my mum's recent passing on. I realised that I always wanted to make music and express my deepest feelings which no amount of art (water-colour and sketching) and words, (diary writing or yes even penning poems) can help. I am confirmed a right brained individual. Hee
YES LORD!!! I WANT.. I NEED TO PLAY MUSIC.
With new debt I bought my first real piano. A digital piano a Yamaha P80, $2500 and started to "worship" God with whatever meaningful tunes I can muster with the chords that I taught myself and slowly but surely God healed my achy breaky heart. I became an even more melancholic person with a stronger desire to be who I always wanted to be since I was a kid...a musician. It could be God compensation that I end up with a musician husband.
Anyway, indeed it was church music, hymms that played on the BBC that made me want to go church as a kid. Through the years, though I sang much Karaoke and served passionately in the various church music ministries, its the desire to make music that keeps me, my spirits ALIVE.
Looking back, I had spent far too much time on my studies determined to be a top student, to get into university and get out fast to help my family financially. My childhood was wrought with the Pan Electric Crisis, October Stock market crash 1987 Iraq war and the huge medical costs of ailing grandparents. My grand pa had a leg amputated for diabetes and was wheelchaired bound for a long time. My grandma had stomach carinoma and rejected Christ on her dying days. More recently my mum succumbed to metatastic colon cancer and like wise decline the many "offers" of salvation by well meaning christian relatives, pastor's wife included.
Indeed my youth was spent studying and praying for my family and "doing deeds" in churches to "save" them. I should have explore more, muscially included, relationships included and learnt early whether or not to trust my instincts.
At least, David Garrett had the same experience and feelings I once had. He had in the summer of 2005 fell head over heels with a girl. Like he said, " Unfortunately life can be cruel and she turned out not to feel the same way about me. I chose to deal with my torn emotions by using music as a vessel. being able to put all my love into music gave me the hope and strength to go on. Although it was written in a sad mood (the song serenade), ironically, sometimes it is precisely these emotions that make life worth living."
Perhaps it was my sensitive soul I was sub consciously trying to protect. Any way, I believe this saddest episode in my life sealed in me the desire to express myself musically for the rest of my life. To this end, I just want to play the violin well for the rest of my life. To God be the glory.
The youth of today is so mobile. So wired up. I never did visit any country until I was due to graduate. I think my first trip was to Hong Kong for a week long shopping. Its shopping bring the purchases back to Sheraton Hotel in the afternoon then dinner and shopping again. I LOVE IT!!!
I was ahead in fashion in esparadrilles and tube tops that my first church pastor SCOLDED me for wearing to service. As if I care!!! Ha, I meant to say that though my image was trendy though without earrings, and any accessories, I am a minimalist, I felt totally comfy in what i wear then mini skirts that boasted of fit and slim legs, not endless ones like yan's though. He is model material and should even pose nude for Gay magazines...hahaha
Many assumed that I had several relationships but quite contrary I had many good male friends that made me quite fussy about the man I would eventually date and marry and have kids with. Investment- wise I admit I do have an above average risk appetite and a time frame several generations long but when it comes to relationships, NAH...I am TOTALLY risk adverse, prefering to WAIT and be SURE. A few crushes here and there but NO i would not allow my heart to be broken so to speak.
The only time I allowed myself to really feel for someone I believe was a good bet and from God, was the only time I hurt the most. Afterall, I spent my adult life turning down potential guys that are EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW to me, only to have a taste of my own medicine in 2002. While the country was in a recession I was in a depression. So much pain was in my heart that I was totally unable to taste the food i eat. I applied for many jobs half heartedly and when I did get short-listed for interviews, I called to refuse the interviews. God was my refuge but sometimes I think he does not "understand" the many WHYS...WHATS...WHEN...HOW CAN???? ETC ETC. Many times it was hard to believe that he cared.
I started SPENDING to express my pain. I had debts for the first time in my life and i did not care. The credit spending snow-balled into something more serious, letters from banks demanding payment and I eventually had a BAILOUT by my dad sans the scolding.
Citibank headhunted me but I told the investment manager I am not in the mood to work for the time being and hung off the phone call. Rude har???
I wanted to get out of the sad feelings but I became at the same time became more in tune with mozart's requiem, which was the saddest music I ever heard. Mozart's death is still the saddest and i feel a loss that is even greater than my mum's recent passing on. I realised that I always wanted to make music and express my deepest feelings which no amount of art (water-colour and sketching) and words, (diary writing or yes even penning poems) can help. I am confirmed a right brained individual. Hee
YES LORD!!! I WANT.. I NEED TO PLAY MUSIC.
With new debt I bought my first real piano. A digital piano a Yamaha P80, $2500 and started to "worship" God with whatever meaningful tunes I can muster with the chords that I taught myself and slowly but surely God healed my achy breaky heart. I became an even more melancholic person with a stronger desire to be who I always wanted to be since I was a kid...a musician. It could be God compensation that I end up with a musician husband.
Anyway, indeed it was church music, hymms that played on the BBC that made me want to go church as a kid. Through the years, though I sang much Karaoke and served passionately in the various church music ministries, its the desire to make music that keeps me, my spirits ALIVE.
Looking back, I had spent far too much time on my studies determined to be a top student, to get into university and get out fast to help my family financially. My childhood was wrought with the Pan Electric Crisis, October Stock market crash 1987 Iraq war and the huge medical costs of ailing grandparents. My grand pa had a leg amputated for diabetes and was wheelchaired bound for a long time. My grandma had stomach carinoma and rejected Christ on her dying days. More recently my mum succumbed to metatastic colon cancer and like wise decline the many "offers" of salvation by well meaning christian relatives, pastor's wife included.
Indeed my youth was spent studying and praying for my family and "doing deeds" in churches to "save" them. I should have explore more, muscially included, relationships included and learnt early whether or not to trust my instincts.
At least, David Garrett had the same experience and feelings I once had. He had in the summer of 2005 fell head over heels with a girl. Like he said, " Unfortunately life can be cruel and she turned out not to feel the same way about me. I chose to deal with my torn emotions by using music as a vessel. being able to put all my love into music gave me the hope and strength to go on. Although it was written in a sad mood (the song serenade), ironically, sometimes it is precisely these emotions that make life worth living."
Perhaps it was my sensitive soul I was sub consciously trying to protect. Any way, I believe this saddest episode in my life sealed in me the desire to express myself musically for the rest of my life. To this end, I just want to play the violin well for the rest of my life. To God be the glory.
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