Nande ???????

Nande.

It's "Why???" in Japanese which I happen to be learning almost everyday.

I've been catching up with quite a bit of japanese anime, drama and movies. From Nodame Cantabile to tear jerkers like Tada kimi wo Ashiteru aka Heavenly Forest, and Koizora aka Sky of love. Nande, most japanese movies I watched were about first love, lost and found and nande someone had to die to make it all the more devastating!!!

I can't help but remembered my past. I came to a point where I had to be frank with myself and realised too that I did and I still carry with me some emotional baggages from the past. I came to understand why I had been so devastated concerning guy #3 and everything pointed to the fact that I had in fact be unfair and selfish towards guy #1- aka My first love.

He WAS my first love though I never admitted it to him. I like to think of us as being platonic good friends / buddies both starting out on our first career as auditors. He was the first guy that I really liked. Those nice cheek-bones, muscular arms and tall lean physique made to look taller on the wobbly inline skates. Most of all, I liked his relaxed, confident temperament. We spend months chatting on the phone about anything under the sun and I love his speaking voice, the kind that I would allow a man to yak on and on because his voice to me was soothing. LOL.

Nande the first church that I grew up in for 11 years was so strict and conservative. I had tried not to fall for him but I was drawn to him in the first place right??????? He was the first guy I would share my heart with. I had felt very comfortable with him, I even felt a certain soul connection and I could possibly marry him. He would make a great spouse and father I had thought.

Nande he was of a different faith. In fact, he was quite open to anything. Nande God you would want me to give him up??????? Was it coincidence that a sister had prayed and fasted against our relationship??? But in my heart I know it was all about TRUST. It was the first spiritual test in my life. Do I trust you for someone better. How can we mortals fight with God??? In the end, its clear. With much tears and heartache, I forced myself to stop our communications and friendship. How do you break up with someone who was not officially a boyfriend???? For all I know these feelings could be one-sided. Nobody wants to be vulnerable and look foolish.

In reality, though I could feel his disappointment and sadness occasionally when I had to end the calls which became shorter and less frequent, signs that he possibly had some feelings for me. Nothing prepared me for those tears in his eyes on his wedding night. That memory still haunts me. The handsome bridegroom calling out the name of another woman, not once not twice but thrice with his new wife beside him as they thanked the guests who had come to the wedding dinner. His eyes were all red and teary. Drunk???

I was so worried and fought my tears too!!! I don't want to be embarrassed or leave him with a bad memory of me, a mere guest in tears at his wedding dinner. I remembered I had cried a lot when I was informed by him concerning his coming wedding. Nande I had misread the phone number and confused it was my now sister in law's. Both had the same few numbers with 2 in different order. I had to attend his wedding dinner since I had always wanted to see him in a suit looking all handsome and suave.

"You look handsome." That's all I could say and having a friend with me helped. I wanted to uphold the image of having everything within my control. I remembered the white grand piano near the lift of the hotel. It was similar to the dream I had years ago of dancing with a guy in white tuxedo who was playing, but I now understand to be Chopin Ballade in a bright room. Yan is good with this piece. He has this anointing to play classical piano really really well.

Sometimes I think my life is so movie like. It's easier to fully forget him since he was married. Surely then it was God's job to provide me with someone better as he had promised. Yes, he did give me the best, a male buddy, Yan who can help me musically since my love for music is forever growing.

Nande I suddenly dreamt of him in August 2010. Nande I was sharing my heart with him concerning our past, my feelings then especially and soon I was praying for him. It happened once I dreamt I was sharing my faith with a fellow school mate I came to befriend on the bus to secondary school. We eventually became good friends and she was my landlord for 10 months in 1999. Shortly after the dream, the scene (deja vu) happened and she accepted Christ.

Could it be God is up to something again??? On the same day, I found him in facebook. The word DESTINY hangs over the issue. Suddenly i remembered I had asked God to take him away from me. Not 7 but 7x2 years. This year its exactly 14 years since we first met and became good friends. There was a surprise meeting at Isetan Scotts with his wife and I was with Yan when he told me he was going to relocate to Japan. I've not heard from him then since I've moved countless times, lived without a computer at times and also lost countless handphones.

Nande this is exciting yet scary to me. Could I be mistaken??? What if the facebook is someone else??? Round 1: Confirmed it is him and he even gave me his office email address. Round 2: Will he reply my email? He did and offered to reply in greater detail since he is unwell.

Nande I worry over his health. It's been hazy these few days with the PSI moderating around 70-80. I remembered he was asthmatic and had to carry those ventolin inhalers with him. I remembered how those inhalers reminded me of him when rachel was a young toddler down with bronchities and was wheezing. Rachel too needed the steriod puffs before.Thank You Father for healing Rachel. Will you heal him too. I remembered when he shared about having hallucinations when he had a severe asthma attack and thought he was going to die. How could I EXIT his life so heartlessly as a friend???

Perhaps I know myself too well. I can't bring myself to be open with my feelings for him then or the church's stand on "unequally yoked relationships.". I did not know how to share with him those "things of God" and how I must trust God for a holy man. All I knew was I wanted to run away. To disappear. Forever.

Nande. It's all coming back!!! I am feeling so nostaglic and sentimental now.