Nande ???????

Nande.

It's "Why???" in Japanese which I happen to be learning almost everyday.

I've been catching up with quite a bit of japanese anime, drama and movies. From Nodame Cantabile to tear jerkers like Tada kimi wo Ashiteru aka Heavenly Forest, and Koizora aka Sky of love. Nande, most japanese movies I watched were about first love, lost and found and nande someone had to die to make it all the more devastating!!!

I can't help but remembered my past. I came to a point where I had to be frank with myself and realised too that I did and I still carry with me some emotional baggages from the past. I came to understand why I had been so devastated concerning guy #3 and everything pointed to the fact that I had in fact be unfair and selfish towards guy #1- aka My first love.

He WAS my first love though I never admitted it to him. I like to think of us as being platonic good friends / buddies both starting out on our first career as auditors. He was the first guy that I really liked. Those nice cheek-bones, muscular arms and tall lean physique made to look taller on the wobbly inline skates. Most of all, I liked his relaxed, confident temperament. We spend months chatting on the phone about anything under the sun and I love his speaking voice, the kind that I would allow a man to yak on and on because his voice to me was soothing. LOL.

Nande the first church that I grew up in for 11 years was so strict and conservative. I had tried not to fall for him but I was drawn to him in the first place right??????? He was the first guy I would share my heart with. I had felt very comfortable with him, I even felt a certain soul connection and I could possibly marry him. He would make a great spouse and father I had thought.

Nande he was of a different faith. In fact, he was quite open to anything. Nande God you would want me to give him up??????? Was it coincidence that a sister had prayed and fasted against our relationship??? But in my heart I know it was all about TRUST. It was the first spiritual test in my life. Do I trust you for someone better. How can we mortals fight with God??? In the end, its clear. With much tears and heartache, I forced myself to stop our communications and friendship. How do you break up with someone who was not officially a boyfriend???? For all I know these feelings could be one-sided. Nobody wants to be vulnerable and look foolish.

In reality, though I could feel his disappointment and sadness occasionally when I had to end the calls which became shorter and less frequent, signs that he possibly had some feelings for me. Nothing prepared me for those tears in his eyes on his wedding night. That memory still haunts me. The handsome bridegroom calling out the name of another woman, not once not twice but thrice with his new wife beside him as they thanked the guests who had come to the wedding dinner. His eyes were all red and teary. Drunk???

I was so worried and fought my tears too!!! I don't want to be embarrassed or leave him with a bad memory of me, a mere guest in tears at his wedding dinner. I remembered I had cried a lot when I was informed by him concerning his coming wedding. Nande I had misread the phone number and confused it was my now sister in law's. Both had the same few numbers with 2 in different order. I had to attend his wedding dinner since I had always wanted to see him in a suit looking all handsome and suave.

"You look handsome." That's all I could say and having a friend with me helped. I wanted to uphold the image of having everything within my control. I remembered the white grand piano near the lift of the hotel. It was similar to the dream I had years ago of dancing with a guy in white tuxedo who was playing, but I now understand to be Chopin Ballade in a bright room. Yan is good with this piece. He has this anointing to play classical piano really really well.

Sometimes I think my life is so movie like. It's easier to fully forget him since he was married. Surely then it was God's job to provide me with someone better as he had promised. Yes, he did give me the best, a male buddy, Yan who can help me musically since my love for music is forever growing.

Nande I suddenly dreamt of him in August 2010. Nande I was sharing my heart with him concerning our past, my feelings then especially and soon I was praying for him. It happened once I dreamt I was sharing my faith with a fellow school mate I came to befriend on the bus to secondary school. We eventually became good friends and she was my landlord for 10 months in 1999. Shortly after the dream, the scene (deja vu) happened and she accepted Christ.

Could it be God is up to something again??? On the same day, I found him in facebook. The word DESTINY hangs over the issue. Suddenly i remembered I had asked God to take him away from me. Not 7 but 7x2 years. This year its exactly 14 years since we first met and became good friends. There was a surprise meeting at Isetan Scotts with his wife and I was with Yan when he told me he was going to relocate to Japan. I've not heard from him then since I've moved countless times, lived without a computer at times and also lost countless handphones.

Nande this is exciting yet scary to me. Could I be mistaken??? What if the facebook is someone else??? Round 1: Confirmed it is him and he even gave me his office email address. Round 2: Will he reply my email? He did and offered to reply in greater detail since he is unwell.

Nande I worry over his health. It's been hazy these few days with the PSI moderating around 70-80. I remembered he was asthmatic and had to carry those ventolin inhalers with him. I remembered how those inhalers reminded me of him when rachel was a young toddler down with bronchities and was wheezing. Rachel too needed the steriod puffs before.Thank You Father for healing Rachel. Will you heal him too. I remembered when he shared about having hallucinations when he had a severe asthma attack and thought he was going to die. How could I EXIT his life so heartlessly as a friend???

Perhaps I know myself too well. I can't bring myself to be open with my feelings for him then or the church's stand on "unequally yoked relationships.". I did not know how to share with him those "things of God" and how I must trust God for a holy man. All I knew was I wanted to run away. To disappear. Forever.

Nande. It's all coming back!!! I am feeling so nostaglic and sentimental now.

Tamaki Hiroshi Craze

I've been feeding on japanese food, anime, TV dramas, music and am studying hiragana and katakana. Suddenly, the japanese elective that I was forced to take up while awaiting for my first choice of studying French in my university days started to appeal to me.

This time it is Manga and Anime and Japanese drama powered.

From Nodame Cantabile Anime to the super handsome Chiaki (Tamaki Hiroshi), my family is watching Japanese TV dramas every night!!!!! Rachel is picking up and learning japanese and my latest craze is the 30 year old Tamaki-san that not only acts very well but surprises me with his vocals and guitar playing too!!! His voice is velvety and well suited for ballades though he could do pop and rock as well. I particularly enjoyed the Times album though I prefer the photos in the Bridge album. Clean-shaven and not too skinny look better on ya, Tamaki-san.

As the perfectionist Prince Chiaki who excels in both the piano and violin and later on became a conductor, Tamaki-Hiroshi captures the hearts of many with his acting. He learnt to play certain piano pieces (possibly sections of it- for the filming) and conducting. In the movie I, there's a part where he took up the violin and as a violin student, I am impressed with the act of playing violin confidently. Somehow, when actors like Adrien Brody (he learnt to play the Chopin Nocturne for The Pianist), somehow, it FUELS and INSPIRES me to all the more put in more effort and produce better music. It's the effort, I am talking about.

I like the romantic comedy Nodame Cantabile. Ueno Juri as Nodame is so hilarious. Yes, she did outshine, her sempai (senior). I would love to act this role too!!!!! Though in real life, i am far from messy, dirty or that desperate for a man. I think I am more like Kiyora, who set high goals and get things done type. A sort of natural leader that exudes calm confidence.

Anyway, from Shinichi Chiaki, (I actually find the anime version more handsome!!!!) I went on to The Fantastic Deer Man. Shikaotoko Aoniyoshi a 10 episode suspense with plenty of japanese folklore and archaeological sites. Although Tamaki-san look really gaunt and almost starving in this role, his acting is by far the best. As Ogawa sensei, he's so nervy, timid with the 'loser' mentality that I wanna step into the drama and "shake him up". "hey!!!get a grip!!! Be positive. You can do it!!!!" etc Amazing acting, those jealous faces munching away deserves the Best Actor award indeed. When Hotta-san kissed him (the teacher that she initially hated much), both Rachel and I cried out in unison, "I want to kiss him too!!!" SO FUNNY, indeed!!!

Another thing, he is really good and natural in making us want to weep alongside him. The audience can feel the characters anguish and I credit that to being good in expressing emotions as most musicians and artistic personalities do. Some actors struggle much to achieve the same few effect while others like Hiroshi they just transmit the feelings on film naturally. Bravo!!!

Tada Kimi Wo Ashiteru, or Heavenly Forest is one art film that I would like to collect. The whole movie is beautifully made and directed and there's something so touching as first kiss/love. Personally if I am a man, i would be very put off by the female lead with her awful spectacles and terrible clothes and mannerisms. Likewise, i would shun Nodame and call her all sort of names. In both cases, the handsome lead falls for the unlikely and became even better guys. Perhaps, there is a part of us, women that craves being loved even when we think we are unlovely. This is one area I struggle the most, I still think I am not beautiful enough despite much assurances. Ha, perhaps the reason why I am drawn to handsome musical beings (including my best friend turned husband) since I was young. LOL

The Tamaki-Hiroshi fever rages on. Yesterday I chanced upon his cds in Singapore!!!! and suddenly, I am listening and watching him. How blessed I am should we meet one day sans the screaming fans. Ha. I have nothing but deep admiration and appreciation for this versatile artiste who excels both on and off screen.

Tamaki-san, domo Arigato.