On duty and responsibilities

Can't sleep last night. Was rather upset. It's a fact that a hands-on dad had become rather hands-off, totally unhelpful and lacking initiative when the kid spilled drinks, ribena for that matter. It's the second time now, it used to be that he was the first to dash for the rags etc. Now, I am expected to clean the messy child past midnight and the floors, at the same time?????

Anyway, Rachel is the glue that holds the marriage together and I know that she would choose me over the dad anytime. Actually most kids would prefer the mum. I remembered my parents having a big fight over in laws and my mother was crying much, trying to pack her stuff. I actually helped her fold the clothes, because as a young kid I was READY to stick with her no matter what even though she was the one that would scold, slap,hit, caned, ridicule me, etc.

I learnt DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY at a tender age. Rain or shine even when I was unwell, which hardly happened, it was my DUTY to fetch my younger sister home from Primary one several streets away. I was just 3 years older. I had to watch the clock every Mon-Fri and when it was time to fetch her, grab some money, an umbrella if neccessary, then wait outside her Boon Keng Primary School gate as a whole school of familiar looking kids dashed out to their mums or grandmas, now a days its the maids. Then I had to carry her heavy bag- much heavier than recommended for her tiny frame though I remembered she had a tummy. Now I am the one that sports a tummy especially so after child birth that destroyed not just figure but model-confidence as well. I would reward myself with some ice-packs. Afterall, it was a hazardous task, crossing the heavy traffic T junction each time.

It was also my duty to 'baby-sit" my siblings and I sometimes whack them, since its my mother's well demonstrated method to "control" them. I was like very authoritative kid, the leader of the pack. Yet nothing traumatised me more when accidents happened like my sister running and falling headon to a 17kg oil tin. There was blood everywhere from the gash above the eyebrow and even blood in the eyes. I was more scared that my parents would kill me, punish me, hate me forever if she died, or became seriously injured.

Apart from taking care of the siblings, totalling 3, I had to help with household chores, a bit of cooking, more the ingredients part. I remembered slicing part of my third finger with some potatoes and the skin was hanging, bleeding. I was scolded instead for not being careful. Ya..I was a day-dreamy type. In addition, there were countless incidents with knives and I definitely HATE being splattered with hot cooking oil. After primary school hours, I also did door to door sales with mum to help aunt sell her leftover stock of clothes. She wanted to be a fashion designer??? I also helped to cut thick layers of textile with some handy machinery, and others that sew the seams together. Making T-shirts was easy-peasy. Later when Aunt opened a provision shop in Jurong West, with my grandpa's inheritance meant for our education, I was roped in to weigh biscuits, man the cashier, pack groceries etc sometimes in school uniform. The shop eventually closed due to lack of liquidity and poor planning.

Many times, after school or during the school holidays, I had to help out as the stall assistant for my dad's fishball noodle stall. Once I accidentally spilled a little hot soup on a man and he grabbed my wrist ready to whack me despite all the apologies. Dad had to step in offer free food and barred me from helping him at his stall for my safety sake. I was about 10 or 11. It's the boys turn to serve their duties.

Then there was sick and naggy grandparents to help care for, from the fetching of things like water, newspapers, to dispensing medication etc.

Growing up, I wished my family was richer and I could have time for myself. To shop to learn music and its no wonder the number one place I want to visit after school was the malls. Shopping was my escape from a demanding childhood yet it also serves as my motivation to excel in school.

Personally, I want to spare Rachel the heartaches of being the eldest kid. Once you have a baby brother or sister, you have no choice but to grow up so fast and miss out on being a happy kid. It's no wonder I often wished I was an only child, the sole recipient of daddy and mummy's love and attention.

So, enough said, I am convinced that my maternal duty to Rachel is so strong that alone can be the reason to live for if I have nothing to live for.

If I were to die now, I actually have no regrets. I've lived my life well and I think Rachel had a very good mental image of the mother and many wonderful memories of being together, learning music, art and whatever and also shopping and coffee breaks. Similarly, Yan should think of me as a faithful supportive wife and good mum.

Having said that, it would be better to continue learning the violin until I could play most concertos that I loved and leave behind some sort of music legacy or heritage for Rachel. It will be great to be able to contribute in some ways to this small nation, in the area of classical music. Perhaps I could be a patron of the arts if God would prosper and bless me in this way.