On Discipline

I found myself staring at a Barbie doll yesterday at Metro, City Square Mall. He is a Twilight, Robbie Pattison version and looks far better than the good old Ken. Certainly, they both came too late for me!!!

I remembered having a certain Barbie doll with her signature long neck which gracefully supported her 360 deg head of blonde hair and those covetous long limbs, endless legs!!! I played with it for a while then before long, her clothes and shoes were misplaced and she was lying naked everywhere in the small HDB flat.

One day, I decided to give her a hair cut!!! Instead of being intrigued my mother became rather enraged and slapped me instead with a earful of "waste money" nagging. I became angry and resented the way she would often hit me, slapped me or scold me "good for nothing, useless, etc" In my anger and resentment, I twisted off Barbie's head and dumped her for good.

Being the eldest, I was the most "abused" kid. It's traditional for Teochews to discipline their children from top down even when it was not their mistake per se. I was scolded for not "teaching" my younger siblings the right things. My mother was a strict disciplinarian and I was caned often and slapped often that after a while the pain threshold increased in tandem with the resentment and rebellion brewed deep within. Yes, i often questioned if she loved me at all??? since my younger siblings were often spared the rod. Although she seemed fair in her way of getting things for all her 4 children, eg buying exactly the same toy duck train for us, my brother Ron was clearly her favourite, followed by the other twin Leslie, my sister then me.

I did not have a good mental image of my mother since I was a kid. It seemed that she had me to be a HELPER and I existed to help care for the household and the siblings who are just a year or two younger than me. Growing up I FEARED my mother much and as a rather sensitive kid, I felt bouts of pain and sadness each time I was scolded or beatened up.

It did strengthened my character but it also made me very defiant of authority- church leadership included and if I had not known the love of Christ and the loving church community at Geylang I would likely stray and become a street kid, though having said that, I am also largely responsible and having high standards and expectations for myself, I would not waste my life away, smoking, hanging out at arcades or being with boys etc. My natural instinct was to prove my mother wrong that indeed I was the "best" kid and therefore "worthy" of her attention and love.

As years past, I learnt about the fact that my mother was an orphan given away at birth. I began to empathise with her instead. Actually I forgive easily because I prefer not to hang on to negative feelings. One outlet was music. Trying to make music or just singing Karaoke can make me feel happy and blest. At least my birth parents wanted me though sometimes my mother would screamed at me and said I was a mistake. That she suffered the most physical pain 20 hours labour having me (20 happened to be my favourite number since I was born 20th Jan). She very much wanted a boy but was disappointed. God in his grace blessed her with a pair of twin boys- premature but healthy who become her pride and joy and later another accidental blessing my sister who is prettier than me, she often remarked. Thankfully I am blest with a beautiful baby via a 20 min emergency c-section birth.

Except for wishing I had Barbie good looks and figure and wishing my family was richer so I could learn music as a youth, i do not suffer from low esteem since what I lacked in height, the essential double eyelids, God made it up for me in terms of IQ and EQ. I am not stupid being amongst the top girl in school and having won a Gold medal for academic excellence though there were times when I wilfully did not want to study so as to test if my parents will love and accept me as much if I was just average Joe in grades. Their love came in the form of more tuition and assessment books!!!! And EQ is more due to my melancholic character that i could put myself in another's shoes and empathise with others or their situations.

So...psychologically, deep within me, since I was an older child, I wanted to be a mother to my own children. I know I will definitely marry and have kids one day. I even said it aloud in my Accountancy class at university when the professors asked what we like to do when we graduate. I made the whole class laughed when I said "I want to marry and be mother, a home-maker!!!" Usual answers expected were "accountant", "businessmen", "banker", "auditor", "lecturer" and someone said "finance minister".

Fast forward to present day, I am very physically involved in Rachel's life since birth. She learns from a young age that I am her main care giver and I loved her in words, in actions with toys and plenty of time together- learning. Likewise, she reciprocates her love with touch, with words and now actions and wanting to spend time with me and daddy playing and exploring and learning. Another plus factor, learning music together!!!

Discipline is not a negative word. Although I was physically disciplined much as a kid, I was very much treated with love and respect in my "other church family". I saw first hand how the "modern mothers" raised their kids with more patience, loving kindness, forgiveness and love though some did not spare the rod when the kid misbehaved. I forgave and understood my mother better and tried to love her in ways she understood or preferred : an allowance, some shopping, being at home to help out with the chores and cooking. And eventually marry off so I do not become a burden to my parents.

Personally, I am very patient compared to my stressed out mother, who had 4 kids within 4 years and had to helped my dad from preparing the ingredients to washing up the food stall past midnight sans helper. The only time I would smack Rachel on her bum was when she wailed non stop at the top of her high pitched voice that set my left year ringing and it felt like "wind distortions". After being hit she would cry at a lower volume for fear of being hit again and it worked and I prevented ear damage!!!!

Now that she is 5, we reasoned with her, made decisions together and had become rather independent toileting included. I like it that she would get her own snack from the fridge and asked me to teach her according to the time table schedule. I believe Rachel unlike me has a very loving image of her mother who cares much about her and loves her very much.

Enough said, I am so looking forward to 18 March Thursday when Rachel will attend a summer party that teaches her about child modelling and I can't wait for the Runway show at the end of it. It will be her first!!!

And cheers to a day off- shopping and all!!!!