God's preparation and timing

Yan is visiting his mum in Malaysia and our princess is now taking a nap. While I very much want to play and practise the violin, I do not want to risk waking her up prematurely.

As i write this, I am reflecting on the goodness of God. I remembered when I was young and was very exuberant and enthusiastic about the prospect of learning music, many including my ex church pastor Paul would discourage or "rein me in" citing the "lack of monetary prospects of being a musician".

My mum was against me learning music. I asked her 3x when i was in primary school and each time after some general reprimanding I was asked to study hard and graduate with a university degree and quickly help support the family finances.

It also did not help much that I was quite good in my academics. So this dream of wanting to learn music, something i felt very strongly I was made for, was shelved and visited occasionally during school holidays and in between job episodes.

With time, my temperament mellowed much. I was no longer boisterous and bubbly a teenager. I realised especially when sad things happened like the death of my diabetic grandfather, who was wheel chaired bound for a long time after a leg amputation and likewise the death of my grandma who had stomach ulcer turned cancer, I felt more and more melancholic.

Its not depression or just being sad but I feel more and more deeply within my soul so to speak. Its like i could listen to Mozart's Requiem for hours and carry within me the sorrow and sadness for days yet I was going about life normally, shopping and catching movies.

I became a more patient person and i do not rush the decision making process as much. I developed what personality temperament traits studies say "stability".

Anyway, with time, especially after the major disappointment with a potential guy, I became more withdrawn, reserved and melancholic. Its no longer adequate to express myself and my deep feelings with words, which i normally do along with some painting. I need music.

I had been in the worship ministry for almost my entire christian life though more significantly as a vocalist for about 5 years. Yes there were definitely moments where you willed yourself to sing and worship despite personal heartaches and troubles and time and time again God restores the soul and strengthens us to go through the difficult painful moments. I clearly remembered the moment when i lost all voice so to speak, my soul was so tormented I just could not sing or praise God though I can say it, I just cannot sing. If I open my mouth there was no voice and i needed to "sing" through an instrument and be connected to my dear Lord again.

I could not even cry, perhaps the tears had ran dry but right there sitting at my digital piano one eeriely late night, through the headphones, I "sang" my heart out, playing the piano as if I can play it that well, I just focused on the sound i made and the mixed up feelings just gave way to blissful peace. I was ministering to my soul like David did in the Bible and allowing God to restore the broken spirit and heart through music.

From that moment on, it did not matter whether others think I am cut out to be a musician or not, I know I need to express myself musically. Its like breathing and living, I want to make music from deep within my soul.

Compassion and Passion

One of my earliest act of compassion involves the school stray dog. I remembered buying chicken for the dog near the primary school canteen because it looked skinny. Then there was this boy in lower primary that had no $ for food. I do not remember how he looked like or what is his name but i remembered buying him $1.00 noodle for lunch for quite some time. After all, its so uncomfortable eating in the near presence of an obviously hungry kid around my age.

Soon, I started to give $ to an old man in a near by block on the way to school. Well, he begged even little children like me and i thought, i was in a much better position than him. However, once i caught him smoking and buying cigarettes with a lot of money, I decided to donate else where.

The NKF saga hit me really bad as I was one active donor, via GIRO since i started working and also became by default an active fund solicitor for them during my insurance sales days. Well we were given envelopes to raise funds for their many a Walkathons or new Dialysis centres etc and we were also given high targets from our bosses, (at least $200 per envelope ok!!!) so after each sale, I had to beg my new customers to PITY those in less well off position. Most customers will give $2-10 and my church congregation gave more $20-50, plus my own savings, I was one of those that consistently collected more donations. Imagine my heartache when it was discovered that only a small portion of the funds collected went to help those desperate and needy patients, I was quite furious. I had been made use of, so to speak.

After the NKF saga, I am now more careful with giving money and donations. Beyond the regular tithes and offerings, I would like to see that my family, my extended family needs are indeed well taken care of before I reach out to the "unknown" less fortunate both in this country and without.

In the past i had a problem with prosperity. I was taught that being rich is no good, that with more money will surely come more troubles and some how God prefers to bless his people non-financially rather than money wise. But now I fully understand and want God's prosperity for our family so we can help others too. My family had experienced lack before and going through the hard times made us stronger. We understand that money is only a resource and we now trust God for abundant provisions on a daily basis. He is a wonderful generous provider Father God.

So now, when its comes to our family's musical pursuits, I fully trust God will supply all the funds needed for the music lessons and materials and instruments. I no longer worry about Rachel's future education needs, I know our family is under God's grace and he will take care of it all including blessing us with an apartment cum music studio. Frankly, I can't wait to practise violin in the comfort of an air-conditioned sound proofed home studio and yan may practise his piano in yet another air-conditioned sound proofed room. It shall be done. Soon.

Thank you Lord.

Youtube and violin practices

Been watching a lot of you tube videos recently, thanks to Rachel. She just loves to sing along the disney songs so much that I created playlists after playlists for our convenient viewing. Other than Disney, she has Shrek category and her favourite POKEMON.

I enjoy viewing my David Garrett playlist, along with Nigel Kennedy and other classical music ones like Beethoven. I also fell in love with Beethoven's violin concerto in D and had been watching the DVD over and over again and again. I found my classical violin HERO in Itzhak Perlman. His violin sounds so heart-warming and despite his polio affliction, he mesmerises me each time he performs any piece.

Yan even goes to the extent of buying me the Beethoven Violin Concerto in D- score. "One day you will play this", he encourages me as I felt blown away by it all. Afterall, I am only starting out, living my "making music" dream for only 2 months although i know deep within me that this is my instrument.I love to sing as well but it exhausts me so much physically and emotionally. I prefer to work with an instrument.

AND..I must say this: I really enjoy playing the violin. I love to handle the equipment, rosin the bow strings, fix the shoulder rests and YES...even TUNING it. I am getting the hang of it, as i play, I improve the sound along the way having already memorised the pitch of some notes.

I recently prayed that I may be able to practice daily, something that both my young teacher Amy, 30 and myself wanted and guess what, also immediately the next day onwards, after I communicated my desires to Yan, well, the impossible happened. Each evening, Rachel spends some 15-30 minutes with Daddy in the estate premises, while i practice what i learnt, actually its only 3 songs to date with some variations in that classic beginner song Twinke Twinkle little star.

I long for the day when i can practice in our home studio, sound proofed and air conditioned. For the time being, its close all the windows and switch on the fan and ENJOY making music without disturbing the neighbours (unlike that whoever is learning the trumpet in my block). hee

I dare say it...I know I will play well for the glory of my heavenly father, GOD.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity. Indeed I am under your divine GRACE