Exasperation multiplied

I lost rachel again!!! This time she bolted out of the ladies at basement 1 ngee ann city and i spent almost 45 minutes scanning the shopping centre for her. I even made an announcement so that the security can help to locate her.

She was wearing a green UPCHUCK tee that my sister gave her for her christmas along with Ben 10 shoes also my sister's gift for her birthday. When i managed to find her she was neither scared nor crying. She had been lost several times but so far she had never teared nor look afraid. As a kid she was that confident that the parents or the poor mum will eventually find her.

I slapped her when i saw her. I had to. For making me so frantically search the shopping complex for so long looking out for her after I already told her a zillion times not to run from me. She started to run from me and play hide and seek because the daddy taught her a couple of times while having fun.

But its no fun when i get so exasperated and worried sick about her. As the almost sole care-giver I ended up the one that had to clean the mess and undo the "wrong" teachings. For example she broke lose from me and ran towards the bus stop just to hide behind the advertisement, something that the father had played with her several times. I was worried about the cars and also had to deal with the plentiful "disapproving" looks of the elderly at the bus stop.

Another thing is i just cant run with a heavy bag, lousy unstable flip flops and knee pain. I feel i look like an idiot who deserved to lose her kid. Rachel wimpered a short while after she and I calmed down i asked her if she knew she was lost. What? came the innocent reply. "Mummy was searching everywhere for you, why you run away from me? I reprimanded her as sternly as i can since I am not the strict type. At that, she giggled, just as she did and was about to bolt from a super tired me once she saw me.

God help. I really need help. I am to the max with chores and home schooling and had not a moment for myself. Each waking moment is about her and each night ends with her. In fact we went to Orchard because she wanted to have Tori Q lunch, visit kino and Art Friend and that better toy store. i don't have a life any more, I never had one i think. Its always about caring for sick grand parents (deceased), helping mum with the chores and helping mum feel better in her last few years.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday but frankly i do not feel like celebrating. Its a fact, since rachel was born I had not had a good day. I had been juggling her and my mum's welfare to the point of emotional burnout. Financially, life was super tough. We sold our matrimonial home and pulled rachel out of childcare. I ran the household with hardly a budget for myself.

I can't remember when I last:

-had a facial. (free Haach in end 2007)
-had mani pedi cure (2007)
-had a holiday ( with yan 2002, all the malaysia visit mil excluded)
-ran or work out (prob july 2008 before I moved to gymless neptune court)
-had a date ( mid 2008 concert with yan)
-had cell meeting (before may 2006 NCC)
-bought clothes shoes for myself (Jan 2007 birthday)
-practiced my violin (last friday after bought new rosin)
-had a lot of money ( before Asian financial crisis 1998)

Hopefully all will change for the better as i believe God for financial abundance.