Remembering Mum on Mother's Day

Today is mother's day in Singapore. Normally my entire extended family, grandchildren included would gather for a feast. My mum loved it each time everyone gathered for the special occasion. She liked to receive the many gifts and red packets as well.

Unfortunately, last year's Mother's day was her last. Mum died shortly after a fall and also to colon cancer which she had fought hard for almost 4 years. She was 60 and a month short of what was to be her 61st birthday.

Last Christmas, even though none of us had the mood to celebrate the new year and Rachel's 3rd birthday, I did organised her last family party to lift her spirits. Physically, she had lost weight. The cancer had damaged her taste buds, taken away her appetite and made rather irritable as well. Usually a very positive fighter, she became negative about life. Afterall she can see and feel her once overweight and robust body was getting weaker by day. What kept her going was probably her love for dad, her children and her 5 grandchildren. At the party she complained much of upper body ache. My mother had a high pain threshold, so when she said pain it must really hurt much. She ate little but was happy with the many noisy grandchildren around her.

Soon the ever busy and joyous Chinese New Year (CNY) season came. Usually mum would be super excited about spring cleaning the house and all the festive buys. This time, she had no mood. I remembered her last shopping trip with my sister at Parkway Parade. It pained us to see her pant much and walked with difficulty as she lamented over "nothing to buy". We had Jack's place for lunch and mum hardly ate save for some coffee.

This Year of the Rat was particularly stressful for the entire family. Mum was in and out of the hospital for the various treatments and apart from weight loss she also started to lose hair. It's very horrifying to see chunks of hair fall off when she comb or wash her hair. There was a lot of hair on her shirt, on the sofa, on the bed, on the pillow and on the floor. I would swept the floor several times a day. In addition, I accompanied her to some treatments (always with Rachel) and felt helpless when her body reacted adversely with high fever and much violent shaking.

Now this CNY was also my sister's 32nd birthday. Although mum hardly ate during the reunion dinner, we were glad she made it through both the CNY and my sister's birthday. We were really worried as her pain escalated much and was on morphine patches. Her body became very frail looking and she weighed much less at 49kg. Normally she was 60kg. Even her beloved doctor became anxious and insisted seeing her soon after the CNY. She would threw up much or develop a sudden fever and we were told that she was fighting a losing battle. Sigh.

During the CNY period several well meaning relatives visited her but that made her more exhausted and negative about life. A cousin tried to convert her but really, though i hope for the best and prayed much myself, knowing my mum, how stubbornly anti-christ she was, all these "last minute efforts" probably made her more depressed and "offended". Yet another relative pulled me aside and told me to prepare for the worse since she had lost almost all hair and was hardly eating. I was irked by their insensitivity but chose to focus on the positive and on GOD.

I think mum thought she would be going soon. Late last year she prepared Yan's favourite Pig Trotters and my favourite Ngoh Hiang when she could still cook. Then on my sister's birthday, she struggled to prepare the traditional birthday meal despite all the pain and being told not to. In the end, I prepared it, the Dark Sauced Pig Trotter's with my mum issuing very impatient instructions and at the same time she was groaning with much pain, sitting in the kitchen despite maximium morphine patches. This happened to be the one dish that I wanted her to teach me since Yan love to eat it. Mum also struggled to eat my sister's Swenson's Ice cream cake that I hurried Yan to buy. Miraculously she ate her portion though she had no appetite for any porridge or milo or pandan cake.

On 25th February 2008, I was supporting her as she leaned precariously from the carpark to the clinic. At the same time, I was holding on to my super active 3 year old. What a contrast!!!!
. Looking at my off colour mum resting on the arm chair in the clinic, I noticed her breathing was kind of irregular. As Rachel busied herself with the tv, I had this eerie feeling that she may not last long and prayed much for God's mercy. That turned out to be her last consultation. One month was how long the doctor thought she could last since the cancer had spread and burst her liver membrane giving he maximum pain.

Back at home, both dad and ron went to the temple to reserve the niche. They were preparing for the worse though both Ron and I cried much, dad was in a take charge mode and even asked mum about her insurance and investment matters. When I went to check on mum, she had just stepped out of shower, starked naked and trembling much at her knees. I helped her with the clothes and asked her why she did not asked me to help her when she wanted to take a bath. She did not want to burden anyone.The entire day, she did not eat anything but slept much.

Now I had been travelling to Sengkang daily to help her with the chores and to care for her. It was very tough especially when Rachel was with me too. On this particular day I had stress induced diarrhea and period cramps. In the afternoon, despite not eating or drinking much, mum super vomit 3x green coloured puke totalling more than 1.5l. Where did that came from? I was so worried. She continued to sleep all the time.

I was cooking porridge when I had this fleeting thought. "this is the last time I am cooking porridge for mother". I brushed off the negative thought as I was also feeling rather sick and tired myself.

Together with the cousins, Cheryl,7 and Rachel, 3 we watered the plants and fed fishes before settling for a game of Snake and Ladder as we waited for dinner. I've checked on my mum often and even left her alone to fetch Cheryl from the school bus with rachel. Each time mum would say she do not want to eat or drink anything and went back to sleep.

Around 820pm, shortly after a call from my dad about his frustration with my Pyscho Auntie, while we continued the game, suddenly I heard a loud thud and the living room reverberated. Shit!!! Ah ma!!! I dashed into the room only to be shocked by a pool of blood from my mum's head. She had fell. I was panicking since I am a bit haemophobic and screaming to Cheryl for my phone and home phone to call the ambulance. There was so much blood. The sight of it horrified me and I kept speaking to mum, part praying in tongues so she did not lose consciousness. I sat her up and covered her wound with a towel that was very quickly drenched with blood and my hand GOD!!!! was so bloodly, I even tissued wiped away the blood pool on the floor with the other hand. The sight was so haunting. Mum was not feeling any pain since she was on morphine and even told me off, saying its a small matter no need to call ambulance.

At that crucial moment, my handphone failed. I tried hard but cannot remember any of my siblings contact numbers and called yan to inform my sister Jac who was on the way back with our dinner. All the while I was shaking in fear and stress-praying and crying and worried sick about the 2 young kids in the house and of course my dear mother. I asked cheryl to watched over rachel in the living room, not wanting the sight to traumatise them while I waited an eternity for the ambulance.

My sister arrived with the food and was shocked by the sight of my mum with the blood drenched towel against her head. She had not yet know what had happened as she was too busy to answer the phone. Shortly Yan arrived to help care the kids. Then about 15 minutes later SCDF ambulance arrived and sent mum with Jac to Changi Hospital. We waited for Ron to fetch us, kids and dinner to the A&E. The entire incident left me so badly traumatised that I was hyper ventilating and crying non stop for a long time in Ron's MPV.

It was another eternity at the A&E Changi hospital waiting to see if mum was alright. Though we brought the Tori Q dinner along, none of us, including the kids had any appetite. Cheryl's dad, Leslie was in reservist and her mum was still working. I was calling, smsing and tearing all the time. My spirits were so low, my body so tired and my emotions so haywired I saw a ghostly reflection on the water in the fish filled lobby near 7 eleven. It was very late at night and the hospital was closed to visitors. The image of a plump middle aged Indonesian Chinese woman with small beady eyes and high forehead was looking very sad, like someone had died. It was so vivid I could sketch it out. Yan thought my eyes were playing tricks since it was probably interplay of water and lighting. Except the "interplay" also brought about sudden chills and goosebumps.

Come to think of it, earlier on when I was waiting at the playground, I saw an old lady in her 70s with a packet of porridge looking up my mum's flat and walking towards the block. i find her strangely familiar and remembered only at the hospital, she was a long deceased old Aunt.

All these "seeing" "hearing" even "sensing" in the spirit since I was a child no longer bother me much since I understood that most christians especially those involved in worship can be more spiritually sensitive. For example getting tension headaches before I even notice a temple a few blocks away, even if i am travelling in a bus.

Thankfully the fall was not serious. Though more detailed scans could be done. It got her into hospital and we subsequently transfered her to Gleneagles for better care and follow up. After a few days stay, her condition deteriorated much and she died exactly a week from the fall in Gleneagles Hospital.

That turbulent one week both at Changi and Gleneagles was very disturbing. My family did gather often in the wee hours of the night whenever she showed ''signs" that she may be going. One such "sign" was when she told Ron "someone was reading behind her hospital bed". Another was irregular blood pressure. When I first met Ron and Jac at Changi in the wee hours of the night, the ward was cold and we had goosebumps. Mum was sleeping much and I was quite fearful and checking her much. At Gleneagles she was given quality care, 3 huge bags of "soya bean milk looking nutrients "and various drips plus oxygen.

Though she was conscious, her body posture was changing as water was gathering in and outside her lungs. Her breathing became more laboured and she was on maximum oxygen with mask eventually she was gasping for air.

Her doctor had gone on scheduled holiday and his colleague recommended a simple procedure to drain off the excess fluids so she would breathe better. But the procedure was cancelled last minute when her heart beat became very irregular. Mum asked about time often and told Ron "there were 2 persons standing beside her behind her hospital bed". We all knew the time was near and started accompanying her throughout the day and night.

It seems when a person is dying they would "connect" with the other world. My grandpa, the night before he died told of two children, a boy and a girl playing under the table. He kept scolding us for keeping the kids so long that it was late and we should bring them home, except there was NOTHING under my usual study desk. My grandma was trembling with much fear as she told me Monkey God was firing arrows at her and somersaulting all over the same bedroom that my grandpa died several years earlier. She died the next day.

So each time my mum seemed not making it, we gathered at her bedside, grandchildren and all and cried much holding on to her. She had not slept for 3 days. She just kept asking for time and absent family members. There were a couple of visits by really close relatives mainly the other set of grandparents. I cannot describe the stress we feel each time the DISTRESS button was activated and we all dashed to the hospital hoping to make it in time.

One night my sister and I were on the night shift in her room while dad was at the lounge area sleeping. I was trying hard to stay awake listening to Anne Sophie Mutter's Mozart concertos while my sister was sleeping when suddenly a very cold presence moved into the room.

Almost immediately mum breathed with much difficulty and I quickly intercede in tongues, beside her .I woke my sister and gathered my dad to the room. We were all shivering. The room was exceedingly cold it was around 3-4am and mum pulled through the night. As it was really late we did not activate the rest of the family till the next morning.

The next night, mum suddenly asked me and sister if we had "prepared the photo". She gave instructions on the "purple dress" and talked about the insurance money. Both my sister and I cried much but she did not yet go. It was not time yet.

After several "rehearsals" including playing her favourite Teresa Teng songs on the computer, she was still gasping for air with the oxygen mask. Everyone was getting very emotionally and physically tired. She could not bear to leave us. Despite much praying, she was not getting better, a gentle voice that I knew to be the Holy Spirit's said "she will die." much to my disappointment. I was completely stressed out caring for rachel, doing chores and the "night shifts" of accompanying my mum.

Finally on Sunday night, shortly after I went home to care for rachel and recharge before my "night shift duty", I received the final DISTRESS sms. Moments before that sms, when I was half conscious nursing rachel on the sofa, I heard an EXTERNAL male voice saying "Cheryl". It was not the voice of her dad. I blurted out "Who's that" to the surprise of Yan who was working on the computer. (That voice that woke me up turned out to be that of the Taoist priest who when conducting the rites revealed that he had a girl named Cheryl) WHY SO SPOOKY?

Our entire family dashed down in the cab once again and I felt that this time its for real and I advised that yan and rachel camp out in the main lobby instead.

Mum was breathing very weakly. Her heartbeat was very irregular ranging to 60s to 120s. Occasionally it was low 50s while her favourite Teresa Teng music was playing through the laptop. Certain songs that she liked, her heartbeat would stabilise. We tried hard not to cry any more and even asked her not to worry, to go in peace, everything and everyone will be well taken care off. Earlier that day, after a massive dry run, when all the grandchild had gathered in the ward, her neighbouring patient was discharged so we now had the room to ourselves. That poor lady heard much as the family gathered often at mum's bed. The TV was on throughout with trailers for the Lydia Sum memorial showing up often. Lydia was one of my mum's favourite comedian. She died a month or so earlier due to pancreatic cancer.

Mum's last moments were peaceful. The family had ran out of tears and both her heartbeat and breathing were slowing down. Her eyes had been closed for a long time as she was briefly in a coma? Her jaw was dropping and saliva which we had been wiping off often was gathering in the mask. Soon the nurses could not pump any more morphine into her vein and her facial features looked different. Her skinny limps started swelling and she looked better as water retention happened. Then the heart beat monitor failed to register and her organs started failing. We watched her breathe her last holding her hands and feet. At 0029am 03 March 2008, she was certified DEAD.