Rachel loves to learn. At 3, she amazes me with her excellent memory especially when it comes to music. Before I made a conscious effort to memorise the Four Seasons by Vivaldi, she already recognises and "sings" in tune, the various sections of each season. She knows whether that music was from Spring (her favourite), summer, autumn and winter.
Apart from watching various cartoons and movies, she enjoys too classics like The Sound of Music, An American In Paris and Nigel Kennedy's Four Seasons. When daddy bought her a dvd featuring little Chinese children at a violin competition, she pointed out to me a few pieces from the Suzuki method book 2 and 4 which i casually listened to occasionally since my focus is to play the songs in book 1 well.
Come to think of it. I had a great memory too as a pre-schooler. I remembered myself repeatedly banging the door in my pink walker with multi-coloured beads. How old can I be??? I remembered too my two brothers playing in a giant cardboard box, they were not walking yet. I am only a year older than them. All these took place where i first lived, in a "bungalow" at Geylang Lor 25, my dad would come home in a special cart like tricycle full of pails of his business tools and ingredients etc to the noisy chorus of the chickens and ducks that my grand parents kept. These memories were from my toddler times as we moved soon to the HDB flats in the early 1975.
As a pre-schooler, I remembered my mum's frustration teaching me to write. Like Rachel now, I have my own way of holding the pencils. I was scolded much especially when I was not good at remembering my chinese characters. Mum made sure I knew how to write and read both Chinese and English before I started kindergarten. She had mistakenly enrolled me a year earlier so I did K1 then repeat K1 as I was too young for primary one and at that time, there were no pre-nursery, nursery, K1 and K2 system as yet. These days we start formal childhood education at 3 years and some kids are still struggling to get off diapers......like our princess Rachel.
Mum is quite Kiasu a parent. Being the eldest I was constantly "psychoed". I remembered she would start the "study time" reminding me that I must do well to attend university or the siblings will have an excuse not to. Its 6 years of primary school, then 4 years of secondary school then 2 years of college then 3 years of university. When I was in lower primary she supervised our school work. I did assignment books way ahead of my class. Inevitably I was one of the smartest, except there was a Richard who was even more advanced as he had an older sibling. So when I was in primary one, sometimes I was completing assignments meant for primary two. Well, my self esteem was very high being often the top girl in class. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were times that I felt a little bored too, learning "slowly" in class.
There was a really slow kid, the result of an incestuous relationship, according to my mum, who sat beside me and had difficulty spelling anything. i did not realise he was retarded and protested when the teacher gave him a STAR for just spelling W after a long time for the word WINDOW. Those days they did not separate the kids and the poor teacher had a tough time managing a class that had vast differences in IQ.
Things got better after my primary 3 streaming, I was in the best class and life became more exciting competing with the like minded. Armed with my mum's education approach of doing more, I did assessment books way ahead of each class to emerge No 2 in the whole of Primary 6.
Thereafter in secondary school, I began to lose my competitive edge. I had come from a neighbourhood school and now in the SAP system, Dunman High, I was really competing with TOP minds. I turned to private tuition for 5 subjects not because I was doing badly but to INVEST and nurture those B grades into A. Thankfully, i did well for my O Levels and was given a GOLD award for 10 distinctions. This award along with many others had long been dumped since they tarnished easily.
Moving on to Victoria Junior College, I kind of became very playful. I preferred to shop, to drink coffee, a little beer rather than study HARD. I now became very distracted or attracted to boys and went out with them often. I studied with them, the SMART way. I worked backwards from their answers and learnt more. I canoed much with some without sun block in between lessons and now I REGRET those impulsive funtimes i had in the sea as freckles and moles started surfacing in my 30s.!!!!!! Whatever happened to my baby smooth skin???? CO2 Laser therapy is so costly. I just spent almost $2k to remove the unsightly skin tags that resulted from pregnancy hormones. And my aesthetician quoted $260 per mole removal. GOSH!!!!! I had so many, of all places on the face, that it could potentially cost me a good violin to look better. WHY?????????
Sadly, I NEVER believe I am beautiful. Sigh. My mother never complimented on my looks. On the contrary she often told me that I am not good looking enough. My sister is more beautiful or so and so's girl is lovely. Although I had a great figure when i was younger 34-25-35 almost like a violin, HAHAHAHAH, my FACE, I felt, let me down. Why so moley, moley, moley? Why did God forget the double eyelids and gave me almond shaped eyes that strangers thought I was from mainland CHINA!!! No wonder I detested anything cheena cheena and operated only in English (sometimes Singlish) platform.
Over the years, many a suitor had complimented on my so called oriental or exotic beauty.What sexy come to hither eyes. But frankly I was never swayed by their words or even the lyrics of their songs. (Aiyo...some songs need to be banned for terrible melodies) Deep within me, I wholeheartedly believed I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH! Whatever my husband think or even Christ thinks, HEY, I KNOW I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH. Its a undisputable FACT!!!!! but its OKAY!!!!. Life goes on and if skin care, diet, make up can enhance beauty, WHY NOT?
No wonder I only feel more beautiful and extra confident when i put on my mask (FULL MAKEUP). Hahaha. And when someone I had allowed myself to fall for declined my friendship in an email, I reckoned I was not beautiful enough for him, afterall I did consider him handsome.
Thankfully Rachel is born beautiful. I can admire her beauty for hours sometimes while she plays or watches cartoons or even naps. She is my consolation, my gift of beauty from my good LORD. And Yan too, is a good-looker who unlike me, is not so particular about the exterior.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Monday, 5 May 2008
Remembering Mum Part III
I had been trying to overcome my ex-fear of deep waters learning to swim in Mandarin Gardens which ultimately became my matrimonal home. Mum decided she wanted to learn to swim too and joined me soon afterwards. I still remembered she wore the pacific blue bikini that my ex cell group friend chock ching bought for me while she worked in Hawaii. It was too big, surely chock had grossly over estimated my boobs and bum but they were a perfect fit for my mum, who at that time seemed fit and into much adventure like Qi Gong exercises and social dance.
Soon, the opportunity came when UOB bank was to dispose of property holdings under UOL and while the property market was boring and super quiet due to the aftermath of SARS crisis, I viewed the Knight Frank showflat with mum dripping wet after our swim lesson and soon bought a seaview 829 sq ft unit. 3 months later i married yan, my long time male buddy turned boyfriend who was at that time working in Far East a huge property firm armed with a Masters in Architecture.
I had longed for an European wedding. May be it was due to my 1995 europe tour which included museums and cathedrals aplenty. I wanted to marry in CHIJMES, complete with a wedding quartet. Unfortunately, my ex church FCBC was against it, marrying in a "now commercial building with no active church services" (recently they loosen up the rules to include marrying couples in the Singapore Flyer). My parents, particularly my mum who was in charge of everything at home objected to a church wedding. She swore she would never set foot in a church so i thought that CHIJMES would do good since it was a commercial entity but the church was not for it. In the end, to please everyone and to have PEACE, Yan and I did the ROM on 15 Nov 2003 followed by a family dinner so we could use our CPF to finance the Mandarin Garden studio purchase. A customary wedding with tea reception and private family dinner was held on 13 Mar 2004, an auspicious date that clashed with a leader's meeting so both our Pre marital counsellors and pastors did not attend the wedding reception.
Now I can only dream of playing in the Quartet should Rachel marry in a church next time.
I conceived soon after the customary wedding and was almost 6 months pregnant when i suffered much bleeding due to the banking sales job that included much standing. Stress mounted and I felt pressured to leave to "save my precious unborn that i had been praying and talking to daily". As i left too early due to enormous stress, I was not eligible for the 3 months maternity benefits.
Shortly, I got a call from mum. She was very shaken and she told me her polyclinic doctor told her she had colorectal cancer. She was afraid. I was shocked too! Speechless! I remembered having casual thoughts that my mum had cancer a few weeks back and i brushed it all off as negative silly thoughts. God it was real. I assured her she will be alright and we will combine financial resources to get the best doctors to help her.
In nov 04, almost a year after i was married, my mum underwent major surgery at TTSH. She had a portion of her colon 6 inches removed. Since the cancer was in stage 3 and had affected her bladder, part of it was removed too. As a precautionary measure, they removed her womb and ovaries as well since she was done with child birth. I am angry even as i remembered this. Shortly after the operation while she was still in a daze, a young trainee doctor came and broke the news to her before discussing with us and in hokkien, her dialect, he said words that crushed our spirits and mum's. "Auntie, no good, all spread already, spoil already" If i am not a christian i would had punched him in the face and of all people he reminded me of that cold blooded houseman that i once fell for.
We recovered quickly from our shock and grief and my ever resourceful brother Ron then arranged for a second opinion with Dr Teo at Gleneagles. What a deep contrast. The private hospital doctor was warm and friendly and encouraged my mum through the many treatments in the next 3.5years.
Throughout her many treatments, chemotherapy, radio therapy, either orally or intraveously, mum kept a positive outlook and fought well. She did not shy away from her social dance classes or Qi Gong exercises and travelled much to Malaysia, Indonesia, Japan and Taiwan. She did not let others know that she was sick and instructed us to let others know she was busy with the many grand children. She lived life to the fullest as long as she could and prepared good meals for us, especially Cheryl, her firstborn grandchild, whom she helped to care for almost daily.
Unfortunately, despite much prayer and fasting and countless costly treatments, my mum died on 03 March 2008. She was one month short of her 61st birthday. She died shortly after an accidental fall. Towards the end of her life her body was all frail and skinny, much of her hair was gone so was the energy, the strength for daily activities. Looking at her on her death bed, its difficult to accept she was the one plump active mum that swam alongside me just a few years ago. Life is so unpredictable and unfair.
Soon, the opportunity came when UOB bank was to dispose of property holdings under UOL and while the property market was boring and super quiet due to the aftermath of SARS crisis, I viewed the Knight Frank showflat with mum dripping wet after our swim lesson and soon bought a seaview 829 sq ft unit. 3 months later i married yan, my long time male buddy turned boyfriend who was at that time working in Far East a huge property firm armed with a Masters in Architecture.
I had longed for an European wedding. May be it was due to my 1995 europe tour which included museums and cathedrals aplenty. I wanted to marry in CHIJMES, complete with a wedding quartet. Unfortunately, my ex church FCBC was against it, marrying in a "now commercial building with no active church services" (recently they loosen up the rules to include marrying couples in the Singapore Flyer). My parents, particularly my mum who was in charge of everything at home objected to a church wedding. She swore she would never set foot in a church so i thought that CHIJMES would do good since it was a commercial entity but the church was not for it. In the end, to please everyone and to have PEACE, Yan and I did the ROM on 15 Nov 2003 followed by a family dinner so we could use our CPF to finance the Mandarin Garden studio purchase. A customary wedding with tea reception and private family dinner was held on 13 Mar 2004, an auspicious date that clashed with a leader's meeting so both our Pre marital counsellors and pastors did not attend the wedding reception.
Now I can only dream of playing in the Quartet should Rachel marry in a church next time.
I conceived soon after the customary wedding and was almost 6 months pregnant when i suffered much bleeding due to the banking sales job that included much standing. Stress mounted and I felt pressured to leave to "save my precious unborn that i had been praying and talking to daily". As i left too early due to enormous stress, I was not eligible for the 3 months maternity benefits.
Shortly, I got a call from mum. She was very shaken and she told me her polyclinic doctor told her she had colorectal cancer. She was afraid. I was shocked too! Speechless! I remembered having casual thoughts that my mum had cancer a few weeks back and i brushed it all off as negative silly thoughts. God it was real. I assured her she will be alright and we will combine financial resources to get the best doctors to help her.
In nov 04, almost a year after i was married, my mum underwent major surgery at TTSH. She had a portion of her colon 6 inches removed. Since the cancer was in stage 3 and had affected her bladder, part of it was removed too. As a precautionary measure, they removed her womb and ovaries as well since she was done with child birth. I am angry even as i remembered this. Shortly after the operation while she was still in a daze, a young trainee doctor came and broke the news to her before discussing with us and in hokkien, her dialect, he said words that crushed our spirits and mum's. "Auntie, no good, all spread already, spoil already" If i am not a christian i would had punched him in the face and of all people he reminded me of that cold blooded houseman that i once fell for.
We recovered quickly from our shock and grief and my ever resourceful brother Ron then arranged for a second opinion with Dr Teo at Gleneagles. What a deep contrast. The private hospital doctor was warm and friendly and encouraged my mum through the many treatments in the next 3.5years.
Throughout her many treatments, chemotherapy, radio therapy, either orally or intraveously, mum kept a positive outlook and fought well. She did not shy away from her social dance classes or Qi Gong exercises and travelled much to Malaysia, Indonesia, Japan and Taiwan. She did not let others know that she was sick and instructed us to let others know she was busy with the many grand children. She lived life to the fullest as long as she could and prepared good meals for us, especially Cheryl, her firstborn grandchild, whom she helped to care for almost daily.
Unfortunately, despite much prayer and fasting and countless costly treatments, my mum died on 03 March 2008. She was one month short of her 61st birthday. She died shortly after an accidental fall. Towards the end of her life her body was all frail and skinny, much of her hair was gone so was the energy, the strength for daily activities. Looking at her on her death bed, its difficult to accept she was the one plump active mum that swam alongside me just a few years ago. Life is so unpredictable and unfair.
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